i really need to stop setting my clock like 20 mins ahead...it screws me up when i really want to know what time it is and i forget im not going on the right one...so yea its really early in the morning and im still awake...feeling slightly sick..ok a lot sick sucks im gonna throw away over half a pizza but oh well..ill get over it...i dont mean to waste so much food but i cant help if i dont like it anymore...the thought of pizza makes me want to barf and i cant so ill just throw it away...just spent a few hours watching movies and i really like the incredibles and im glad i bought it...then i watched excerpts from some of my other favorite movies...given they are mostly the sad parts in the movies but i still like them best...it didnt really ruin my mood because i do this every so often when im bored and by myself...watch the weird parts of movies that only i can like..but it was entertaining...so anyway i did that and now im here because it was getting to late and i really should go to bed...but i dont want to go to bed...keep thinking ill start having bad dreams again...heck my dreams freak me out at least the ones i remember really do scare me...and i dont want to deal with that again...those few days led me to drinking coffee to stay awake all night..not that it worked and not that i could ever finish a whole coffee ick...i should write about my sister but i dont know what to say...im worried she will die, im scared she will die...i dont want another sister to die, i dont want it to be my fault...so much is already my fault...what will happen if the doctors cant help..they didnt last time...she isnt supposed to die and she will and then what will happen? i will forget her just like i did with nicole, i wont remember anything...im a bad sister...im not suicidal though...its crossing my mind but i dont want to die, not right now, not today...i want to cry but i know i cant...i can push the tears away but they keep coming back...maybe that was my motivation for watching movies tonight...i needed a nonpersonal reason to cry..not that i got any farther than teary eyes...god my back really hurts right now...i really want a massage...hmmm a fully clothed massage of course...if anything happens to mommy...nia, henry, even wayne would become my responsiblitly...what am i gonna do with them? i cant take care of my self on a regular basis much less have to take care of my brothers and sisters...i dont want that responsibility but i know it will fall on me...even know when we talk about who will have to take care of mommy when shes old and its always me...i might not like my mom, but i just dont think i would be able to agree with a nursing home...those are not good places to be...so it will be me...why did i have to be the responsible one...im not responisble im not good or perfect....i barely put up with myself on a regular basis but ill be trusted with taking care of everything...i cant even figure out what im gonna do when i graduate...im not sure im gonna graduate...i cant even see past this year, what will happen if i do manage to make it through this year....given so much has happened i cant i cant think straight half the time...my thoughts go all over the place...and then i end up cutting or burning...i havent been drunk in quite a while and im really starting to want that feeling too....i havent purged because i would give that up in a heartbeat if i could but its hard not to do it when its so easy....i cant do it because then of course i will remember how easy it is and get stuck doing it all the time or as much as i eat anyway...i do eat....ok im eating again...more on a regular basis and real food too...im not going home for easter...i told mommy that today..she was mad at me about it and i know ill have to hear about it from now to then because i told her i was doing something with catrina and i should have remembered that it was easter and so she expects im going to church and if im going to church ill need a new outfit and if i need a new outfit then she has to pick it out....most likely something i dont want to wear and wont wear until she remembers i have it stuck im closet somewhere and demand i take it out and wear it for some stupid reason...it is a disappointment that ive gone back to cutting so much...why does it have to be so hard to give up something i really dont like.... i hate that mommy has taken away my favorite place to cut....its not the same doing it on my legs but im to afraid of being caught to go back to anyplace other than my wrist or the inside of my elbow works but only for as long as its cold...and then its back to short sleeves and if im caught again mommy will put me in the hospital...not that it matters that i can check my self out or that they caant keep me if i not dangering myself and if im not dead then im not dangering myself...as many times as ive cut my wrist i prolly should be dead...i would rather stick to my wrist and not get caught but thats not really true either because mommy say my wrist once but the cuts had healed enough that they werent noticable so much but she said it was arash from my watch and i agreed ... id rather not push my luck and if she thinks my watch is giving me a rash, she will tell me not to wear and then where in the heck would i be....i can get away with the bands at school but at home i wouldnt be able to wear them to hide what ive done to my wrist...and then lastresort goes back to my legs and ankles again...but still arms are the best and the worst....i know exactly what ive done..i have to look at them everyday...its not like they are going anywhere any time soon...what ive done isnt the part that bothers me the most...its the hiding that bothers me... god i feel so horrible not being able to tell yvonne... but i cant trust her reaction ... i cant tell her and im not sure i ever will... i would rather no one knew but still sometimes it manages to get out and im a dork and just shut up when someone has to ask about the scars..blaming it on that car accident that never happened works but its still lying... im so going to hell ... i dont know .. maybe im crazy im a very rational crazy person but i guess crazy all the same...but when i write about it on the boards its like neve agree when someone calls themselves crazy because its demeaning in a huge way...and the point of the boards is not to make anyone feel bad about it... then that just makes me a hypocrite to among other things...so many things im still afraid to deal with ot admit...its like im sitting there just waiting to be struck my lighting because im being a traitor and telling secrets...but i havent really told anything if no one knows the whole story...not even janet can get everything but i still feel majorly guilty for talking..talking scares me....but i can write for hours about what is in my head....i can rationalize just about anything good or bad...but rationilizing doesnt make it right...i dont want to cut but it feels like i have too...and i have to make sure it stays hidden but what will happen when i cant hide it anymore... and mommy isnt there to make up excuses for me anymore...sure i was doing fine without her help but im not smart enough to think up my own excuses anymore so she does it for me... harris has sseen my scars and dee has never once asked how i got them on my arm....she just makes me more paranoid than i already am about the whole thing...i mean i wear my jacket as much as i can get away with...with all the stuff that is happening to nia i cant be like this...i have to be ok, i have to make myself believe im ok because if i dont then i dont know what will happen..i havent forgotten how to do it, watch myself put boundaries back in place...to many ppl are picking away at my head..kinda sucks when i start talking....but they cant go back up if i want to stop...they cant go back up if im expecting to be helped...but i cant them fall either... i wouldnt be in control anymore if that happened...i wouldnt be able to hide behind them anymore...and im a little to good at hiding...maybe thats why ive forgotten how to identify emotions...forgotten how or just dont know them i dont know...maybe i cant be helped...maybe i should die ...but you go to hell for killing yourself.. but then who knows maybe hell would be a nice place to go..it will give me a break from dealing with stuff..heaven might make me barf...i can only handle so much niceness in one day... like i said so much is going on and i cant make it stop...well i can but its not good... :( and that just leaves me where i am now...
why cant this be any easier?
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