unstable

serious mood drop tonight....i dont know why...today hasnt been a great day but it hasnt been a bad one either...yes my grades are sucking in a couple classes but i can work on those..theres still time...but im thinking about how much of a screw up i am...i cant do anything right...god i want to burn...but theres no such thing as a small burn...going home...damnit i havent lost enough weight yet..i should have exercised more...im gonna get in trouble again....geez im not good enough yet..not that i will ever be good idea but i can keep working at it...i want to cry..but i wont...i dont cry...babies cry...im to old to cry and i have nothing to cry over...i want something just dont know what...i dont know anything tonight..feeling to much...need to do something..need to keep moving before i completely go off on some thought....end up somewhere i dont want to be again...random thoughts and wants and dead ends and brick walls...like a mouse in one of those stupid little mazes just theres no way out...i keep thinking my mom will get me home and wont let me leave again...i dont want to stay there for my break...i would rather not...its too much and then i end up at dees house everyday and i dont want that either...theres only so much i can handle of riley and harris and a weekend is plenty...and if im stuck there ...then theres nothing i can do about it..101 ways to die...and i dont want dusti stuck hiding in my room for a full week..thats not fair to her either...i want susan back...damn her for what she did ..i miss her...i should have figured out this was coming the other day when i started seriously going off..but i didnt catch on and now now everything is just going increasingly fast...so many scars .. i should hate what ive done..i really should and right now im more ashamed than hateful..more guilty...but im making it so no one will ever touch me in a way...there are a few exceptions to that one thouhg....the kids i watch dont count...harris has seen a lot of my scars....when im with taly and jeff and them the rules arent the same and god when ive been drinking i dont give a hell..but i know enough to makme sure taly knows where im at all the time..drunk so i dont go home with someone i dont know..maybe i should go home with someone .. questions questions and more questions...dreams and reality and fake and real and nothing..empty space..breathe..i want the lie..i want what i know will come if i cut..but i dont want it, i cant want it..its wrong and im bad and stupid for wanting it so bad and im playing with dying..im going get in trouble...im so in so much trouble.