empty

this year has gotten off to a really bad start...im running out of things that could possibly happen...just lots of thinking...to many worries...doing one thing at a time drives me crazy faster than normal...i knew there was a reason i always have five things going at once..to much time left to think if i only do one thing. i have a headache...i hate headaches because then looking at the computer screen agrivates me...small problem i cant feel the cuts..couldnt feel them when i was doing them..the problem being the ability to gauge when to stop isnt there...constant battle to not start cutting again because my head is going in to many different directions to be able to focus enough to make myself stop. all the normal feelings arent there..usual feelings so i know what i did hurt...it doesnt hurt..knowing they are there doesnt make them hurt...not even trying to focus on them makes them hurt...its past my usual ability to ignore them...its like there not there anymore..i never made them..just an excuse to do it again. but they are there i checked...i saw them...glaring judgement as to how screwed i am...i prefer the dead disconnected feeling to this...i really do