its days like today that i have to wonder just how not there i am..figured that was nicer than just flat out calling myself crazy..even if i am...ok but anyway..i was a bad person and completely drifted in class today..i mean serious drifting...not my usual half listening drift...its weird to be completely gone but still sitting there and i wasnt not listening and im guessing i picked up on what was talked about in class but i dont know... my head is being dominated with thoughts...i took my blades out of my bag...i knew there was a reason i was cutting so much while i was on campus...i kept forgetting to mention i leave razors in my bookbag on different occasions and if i have them to use, ill use them..i dont have them...i want them...so annoyed i took them out last night...so im writing..and freaking out but writing all the same...i dont know what i want to write about..i could say i suck horribly at not multitasking...ive tried to do just one thing at a time and it leaves me feeling like im not doing anything...so i can point out i havent really managed to get my therapy homework done...ive thought about it, ive attempted it and i never last for long before i have to start on something else so ill think im doing something...doing one thing at a time is hard..i dont even do that in class..i was gonna say cant do that but i could i guess, if i really thought about it and didnt let my thoughts run away from me...
ok something to remember to tell arran **i dont control the s/i as much as i control the purging**
ok its taken me forever to write this..because im doing a bunch of things at once as usual...hmmm most of the time when i write i can focus on writing unless its something i dont want to write about...i can focus completely on painting too...i want to email my teacher but i have nothing to say to her...ok i really did have a purpose to this rant...uuummmmm heck i have to get back to work soon....
ok ugh oh i had a convo last night...one of the many i would rather not to have started with but end up talking through anyway...**cough i know your reading this so enjoy cas it wont happen offten!** talked about a couple different things last night...
i dont have a life story and even this is extremllly edited just general info...im a bit clueless as to life before i was in like 5th grade...i know odds and ends of things..like i know i moved in the 3rd grade..i know i set my hair on fire once, i know i got my hand stuck in the elevator once..that really hurt..i know from my mom that i could climb out of my crib and get out of the house...i know i had a twin sister, i know how she died and i know why and i cant say it takes away the guilt any...no one talks about her much..i have forgotten her...its random occurences that she does get brought up and even then its never for long...i dont know why if ppl dont know my name the first name that comes it is hers...ppl who have no idea i had a sister randomly call me her name...i know from my mom that i took care of my sister, cant say i did a great job hence shes dead now..i remember always wanting to groww up and have a baby...twins actually two little girls, one to name after my sister....but that isnt going to happen now...i cant/wont have kids...what kid would want to be stuck depending on me!....i know i took the train to school and i know my mom took in foster kids..i dont remember names or anything i just kinda know they were there...i remember being taken to childrens center..they had an indoor playroom thing..i remember being blamed for pushing my brother down the steps and i still swear i didnt do it....i know i went to a private school..i mean gross i had to wear a tie to school! how would torture a kid and make them wear a tie to school...i dont remember major things though...i dont remember the important stuff like birthday parties or school or things that happened at home..i dont remember how i got along with my brothers and sisters but im guessing it was ok..since we get along now...most of all of those things i remember from before the move....after the move to nc i cant say i remember to much of being younger...i know i took dance for forever as in i wasnt allowed to stop until i graduated from high school and never really liked it...every year i tried to get out of taking it the more my mom made me go...i went to three different elmentary schools in 2 and a half years...i went to middle school and high school of course...i did pageants for a while again mom provoked for that one...i was just glad i never won...school was a joke literally...in fifth grade i was 2nd in the school for reading the most books and having the second highest AR score...i hated going to school but then it was the only way to not be home...grades were alright...changed schools again in the tenth grade...graduated from laney and ended up in college...completely screwed myself over with grades but its getting better now...i wont graduate on time but ill graduate eventually...ive travled a lot of different places...love to hate those family vacations...not even summer school can save me from those...
i cant say i wasnt taken care of as a child...god i have more clothes than i know what to do with...i got all the material junk every child begs to have...we had toys enough for everyone...but i dont remember being hugged and stuff like that...so i like to remind myself i dont need it...but then everything happens at once and just want to go to mommy...now the problem with that is i dont have a mommy...well i do but its not like a real one..i cant explain it but my mommy is just the person who pays the bills...not like a love relationship kinda thing...and so me wanting a hug means things have gotten completely out of hand..and since i loathe being touched anyway..its rarely that things like that happen....of course there are a few exceptions...riley and harris, and the three j's dont count with the no touching rule...nia is majorly a touch person and i just deal with that...henry is kinda random but hes a contact person too....mommy became a touch person when she found out i was cutting...she makes me do the i love you bit...on a reg basis but i can say it know without hating it...i dont believe it but i can say it...keeps me out of trouble...i fear ill never be able to do the relationship thing...maybe its not a fear, its a fact...trust is to huge a deal to work with the whole i love you, do you love me thing...and with relationships comes a whole bunch of stuff i have no intention of ever doing again...
ok back on track but i think ive forgotten where im at... oh convo still from last night
am i slowly killing myself?? prolly...but i hold my secrets very close...there like gguarded at all times...i never wanted any of this junk to be found out...when it started im not really sure but once i left home halfway..things werent the same anymore...i ended up in therapy...i cant believe i got taken there...but anyway cant change it now and i did really like my first doc too..cant say i made her job any easier but i liked her all the same...my doc now is well uh persistant lol..good grief shes learned me well...a lot has changed in the oh almost 3 years ive seen her... its been an interesting relationship and i do like her and not being able to see her would be really creepy but i cant think about that now because i cant do anything to change it so im just hoping it wont happen...weird having someone so intent on seeing that i get better..what ever better may be...but im still resisting parts of it...ive learned enough about cutting to know that i wouldnt do it over just anything and im not letting her or anyone else find out the real reasons...if i did that then no i wouldnt have control anymore...small fear that if i started talking i wouldnt be able to stop and everything would come out...i know i dont like that idea..i dont do vunerable well...i have to keep my fantasy world in place...i wont have anything to protect me if i start letting it fall down...i would really be stuck then....its bad enough it feels like there are huge holes developing in my walls and they have been for some time heck about 5 years in fact...i dont know how to stop them from getting bigger without never talking again in my life but i know that with the job i picked i cant keep my whats in my head there..at least not in the way i have it now...i cant just let everything come out at once...but i cant stop what im doing now if idont...so where does that leave me? its just a feeling... i have to protect what i know until it kills me and there have been times when its been awfully close to doing just that...following invisible rules, i cant talk, ill die if i talk, ill be hated, i dont know...it just feels like its something i have to do, something im supposed to do...i can talk but its like running into a brick wall on certain subjects...i got way to good at getting what i thought and felt to myself and now im supposed to talk about it and ive had easier times getting a shot from a doctor...
everything i do, everything ive ever done has been controlled either directly on indirectly by my mom...it didnt matter if i wanted to do it or not...everything is either right or wrong and im the judge but the rules arent mine..they never were and i dont know when they will be...i dont know how to make them mine..to scared of changing...way to scared of having a say in it...but i have to change dont i? i dont know how to be an adult ... not a real adult anyway...theres still to much stuff i dont understand..it keeps me from growing up....or finishing growing up...
right now my goal is to just stay alive...and im not looking to far into the future because i cant do that...ok maybe ill just work on staying non shuut down..that was way to creepy to let happen again..true this has been a sucky start off to this year..and saying nothing else bad could happen would be extremlly stupid...and there are a few things im doing that i need to stop before it gets out of hand..but im not getting into that today...after writing all of this the urge to cut has quieted down..not completely gone but not pressing either...im just tired right now...but i have things to do..i cant afford to be tired persay... but im ok...for now at least
and ill be waiting for the soapbox when ever i sign back on today!
1 comment:
BRAVO!!! What a wonderful risk you took by sharing.. I do hope you realize how "uncrazy" you really are.. I can not seem to get emails to anyone, so i hope you see this.. I dont know if you beleives in spirits or angels.. but it occures to me, that maybe everyone seems to call you her name, might be for that just reason.. It would be her way, of letting the world know about her, since your family refuses to talk about her.. she is forever in your soul and heart.. regardless how long you were togeather.. and that bond stays with you, long after life..
Please stay strong.. you are a wonderful, strong person.. i know the world maybe seem to be slipping around you, but you DO have more control over the situation, than you feel..I hope you will be able to see arron soon, she is a strong support for you.. maybe sending her an email would be a good thing..remember she is there for you, you just need to let her know that she is needed.. no matter how good at reading you she is.. she is not a mind reader, and has no idea what you are going through unless you give her a small clue.. stay strong, be well..
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