thoughts on mommy ....

just a side note -  i went on vacation without filling the anxiety medication because i thought i was strong enough to manage without it... that i would be ok.... well as you can see and read.. THAT WAS A GIGANTIC MISTAKE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS -- sigh


being with mommy = hello darkness, my old friend. we meet again. i have missed you. i am lonely without you. it is as if i have lost a part of myself that i am more than willing to welcome back. That mean streak. That rebellious streak. That judgemental screecher that sits on my back, whispers in my ear, keeping me distracted, and out of focus. Judging me and everyone around me. picking and looking and watching everything. waiting and on alert for something, anything to happen. the thoughts, the questions of why, of what i deserve. of if i was loved enough. did i get the amount i deserved. did i get exactly what i deserved and i am paying the price of my badness level. i have to make up for being bad. i have to atone for my sins. i have to pay back for not being good, for being broken. for not being perfect. i see her look at me with disgust, with an emptiness. like i am not there. like she wises for anyone but me. i am not enough. who does she want? the good girl? puppet? the bad girl? cinder? silence? so many ? and fighting for her acceptance for her love and watching her with Noa and knowing that there is not enough for everyone. That i had my chance I guess. Now I am to old. I am an adult. I am not a child right ? I should have to compete for my mothers love. I watch though. I se the hugs and care and love she gives the children and the hurt and anger try to surface. I see the gifts and extra that she gives while I yearn and receive nothing but criticism. While I lie and say that it is fine as I am told to do better, to be better, to be more. I agree i can be more. But what else can I do? I can feel the cracks forming as 'more' tries to become a reality. what creating this time. another sad child craving attention and care? an angry child demanding to be seen and acknowledged? how much battering can one body take? how many words must be said before it all just stops and there is a break from all of it . How do I come back from vacation feeling as if I have failed at life? I wished on that second day to just turn around and come home. i was frustrated and upset and wishing I had filled the medication. I was overwhelmed and feeling like I couldnt deal. i did not want to see her. I did not want to be bothered with her. i was afraid already and already I was feeling attacked. just talking to her on the phone. I was reacting to her, putting myself on the defense. i didnt want to be there but i had already driven most of the 12 hours and could not turn back. I see her and the jokes and name calling at my expense starts. i laugh because that is what i do. Life goes on I guess. The days go by and the wedding happens. I thought I looked nice but doubt creeped in heavily after seeing mommy of course because she came up and looked at me with her arms crossed and said nothing..just looked at me. have you ever had someone do that? it is as if i am being criticized and dismissed all at the same time. i tried so hard to find something approving..something nice. something pretty..and it was shot down without a word. just a look of utter disgust.. i hate being watched but she watches me, she asks what i eat. what im doing. where im going. the child is me responds with anger but the need to obey is still there. it still takes over. and i am left stuck and broken and yearning for things that i can not have...how easily she can pass me over...how easily she can seek my approval and ignore my seeking of her approval..my seeking her love...can she not see that there is not any feeling behind my words...that there is no desire to be near her .. that i am usually defensive or upset around her...how can she not see ?? how can she not see me ?

medicine changes

since i am up i might as well write :)  and boy is there a lot to write !!

I guess ill start with the big thing first .... i am feeling more alive than i have felt in forever...and by alive i mean more 'awake' i guess...its hard to explain...like generally i go through the motions of life..i maintain..i manage...im tired and sleepy through the day..and it is like i am in a almost perpetual fog kinda ... like im here but im never fully here ..i wonder if that makes since..hmm ... like its hard for me to fully be aware of my surruondings because im always so stuck in my head..or so focused on the millions of other things im thinking about ...or just not fully with it you know...my mind is just sometimes..ok a lot of times just on autopilot and im just going along for the ride..or im sleep and just not dealing with anything or overwhelmed ...and sometimes i can break through the fog a bit ... i mean i do have happy times..i do have fun with sarah and laugh and play and do stuff you know...im not always stuck in the fog..but the fog has been a constant companion for almost my entire life... like i cant look back over my life without feeling the depression has overshadowed it...without feeling the fear and sadness and feeling like an outsider in my own life ... i have been trying to escape my life so long that right now i am actually terrified of what is going on..because it is new and different and just altogether scary in a totally different way... but i have to explain it also !  ok  so earlier this year i went of all the psych meds... BAD idea.. just very very bad idea...to say i kinda fell off the deep end is putting it nicely...yeah i was probably that step away from actually being put in the hospital had i not been put back on something when i was .. im just glad courtney listened to me in my moment of utter madness and put me on effexor..i picked effexor not her.. i had been on it before and remembered enough to know that i felt it had worked back then ..but back then i couldnt afford it .. but now there is a generic thank heavens that is affordable this time around ..so on the effexor i go..couple months in (maybe more ..my ability to remember time frames just sucks)...i see her and we talk about how im feeling and decide to increase it, instead of adding in an new medication at the time ...which i was fine with ... over the summer a bunch of triggering and overwhelming stuff happened and so i was up and down... i did cut once ... and havent done it again but i do have razors .. luckily the desire to use them has not come back again very much .. so i guess im managing ok .. but i ended up having to stop seeing courtney because she has been moved down to the medical clinic side of things and a new lady has been hired upstairs for the mental health side of things at the clinic..which i am not thrilled about... i ended up having to meet the new lady last week because i realized that i needed refills on my medicine and that with going out of town ..i really couldnt put it off ... it took a lot of convincing and some pushing from sarah to get out of the door but i went to the appointment and ended up talking about what has been going on and how ive been feeling and stuff and we decided to add on the abilify ...a low dose ... it was a conversation that i had already had with courtney ..when we talked about my options with either increasing the effexor or adding something else on the kinda boost the effexor ... so it was a step i was comfortable taking..since i had talked about it already... and i was also super lucky in that she had a sample that was a freaking months supply !  now comes the scary part though...ive been taking the medicine for about a week now... umm i started it last thursday... and i am feeling more awake ... i am feeling almost excited about things..about starting my day you know... like i wake up and kinda want to get out of bed and do things...and its like what is this?  what is happening ?? i dont know these feelings ?  i mean i am a pro at staying in bed !  i can do it for days and not care !  and all of a sudden i want to get up?  i want to do things?   this hasnt really happened before and i cant seem to wrap my head around it?   i mean no it doesnt last all day... no im not becoming super woman over here ... but it is happening enough the past couple days that i am noticing ... like i was excited to go to the beach over the weekend and had a good time.. i was excited yesterday to get my hair done ... normally the beach would have terrified me to the point of panic and anxiety... i was nervous .. but i made a new friend and we stuck together and the anxiety was held at bay ... i didnt take any extra medicine ... and i had a great time .. i still had to take some quiet time to myself during the day..but that was ok to .. yesterday i didnt get frustrated when i had to wait to get my hair done... i spent most of my time over there talking to curvon and jr .. we watched movies and ate strawberries and had a good time .. like my mood is still not totally level but it is more up than down the past couple days and it is slightly mind boggling ... like this i dont know ... i know depressed.i know suicidal..i know anxious..angry..sad... but ok..excited..calm... maybe even almost slightly happy...this this i dont know !!!  this i dont know what to do with..what am i supposed to do with it ?  am i supposed to do anything with it ??

i also realized during my talk with the new medicine doctor that i am not needing to take the anxiety medication as much these days ... something that i had not really noticed .. of course i asked for the prescription ... and was given a prescription for a small amount to take with me out of town..and i am still going back and forth about even getting it filled... i know the medicine makes me sleepy and as much as i may want them ..and as anxious as i may be...taking them around mommy may not be the best idea ... but thinking about being around mommy still leaves me feeling anxious and even writing this i have to stop and calm myself down...i do want to be able to stop taking so much medication... i was looking at what i take the other day and it is a lot...and i guess i have just come to depend on all of the medicine and it is hard to let any of them go completely ... except the metformin !  the metformin i will gladly throw out the window at an given time !  just let the doc give the word and out it goes ! but i get so nervous without the psych meds ..like can i manage without them..will i fall apart..will i be ok without them? but now i am questioning if i can manage without the klonopin and that is so scary

but getting a little tired ..maybe ill sneak in a nap and then get up for good at 7 or so ...waking up at 4am is a little on the early side

well...i got a car ...

since its 1am and i cant seem to sleep..i guess ill write about my car adventure ....


so on thursday ... i had set up a meeting to go to a dealership and talk to someone about a car...on a recommendation from a friend of mine... now in my mind i was only going to talk you know.. i mean the last time i had been to a dealer ship was like right after i graduated from college so like 2006..before the big mess with all the dealerships closing down and stuff..and so you know it generally took a couple days of shopping around and filling out paperwork and stuff for a car to kinda come through ... so i was basing things on that and thinking i was truly just going to talk and maybe fill out some paperwork and hopefully hear something back in a couple days... well wed. night i finally got around to printing out all of the infor the dude needed.. work and bank stuff .. the whole nine yards...i got it all ready and organized.. i was prepared... actually i was totally prepared to be told no i dont qualify.. i mean my credit isnt great .. i have a steady income but im not rolling in extra money each month you know.. how can i get a car...i was plagued with doubt...thursday morning comes along and im yelling through the apartment to sarah that i am not going and that its a bad idea...i was sick with anxiety and afraid to go..i was utterly convinced that this was such a bad idea and i was just going to be rejected...sarah somehow got me up and moving enough to get me out of the house...and on the drive there i really had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself that i was a grown up and that i could go to the dealership and talk to them without mommy ... i had to remind myself that i was prepared...i had the information they needed..i knew what i could afford.. i was just going to talk.. i was so panicked i was practically in tears but i kept telling it to myself until i got there...and i did get there... the guy i met with was nice..really young lol..but nice ... he worked with my to fill out the application..he answered my questions .. and before i even realized what was truly happening my application had been approved and i was showed my credit score...which by the way was a lot higher than  i thought i was... my information was given to the finance person and sent out to the banks ... i was being asked all sorts of questions about my budget and down payments and monthly payments..and still in my mind..i am thinking that i am still going to be told to come back you know...when 2 hours in ... all of a sudden i realize that they are looking for a car for me...like i suddenly like just clicked that they are looking for a car for me when he asked me if i wanted to trade in my old car...and i was completely floored ... like on what planet was this happening on floored... i asked him to explain the process because my old car was already paid off... and he did ... and i of course and sitting in there wondering how in the hell im going to make a down payment on a car with no money... but luck was truly on my side that day because not only was i financed for a car but my old cars trade in value was accepted for the down payment.  i went in at 10am...and by 4pm that afternoon i drove away in a new car with the registration and plates all in my name... and as i drove away the stress of the upcoming trip just completely fell away... no more worrying about renting a car...no more worrying about money for the trip...everything has almost completely fallen into place... no of course i cant just go and blow money because there are still bills to pay and medicine to pick ..but a load of stress has lifted.... it is nice to be able to go to my car and not worry if it is going to start...to not worry if something is going to be wrong with it..yes i will have to go back to have a car payment ..but i will manage... yes ill have to go back to actually looking for another job ... but i will manage ... its just a part of life...one more trip and then i guess summer is officially over....

Another Year

After seeing Britney this week, I have been thinking very hard about how I feel about divine intervention and the afterlife.  How I feel about guardian angels and if Nicole is truly watching over me.  Do I believe she is in a better place.  What do I believe.  I am not a religious person but I do believe in faith.  I believe in heaven and hell.  I believe in the there being an afterlife, I believe in the ability to come back and fix things, i believe in second chances, I believe in guardian angels, and if I wanted to be truly honest with myself I do believe that Nicole has watched over me for my entire life.  There have been a lot of times that i have cried and wished for her to close her eyes and to not see the things i have done, but I believe she is always with me watching and looking out for me.  I mean I have done some very stupid and very dangerous things and I am still alive.  I have been hell bent on killing myself and I am still alive. Some how I am still alive after so many passive attempts to kill myself.  Britney talked to me about survivors guilt, we talked about a lot of things but the survivors guilt is sticking with me, how much i have blamed myself for her dying, how much i have blamed myself for not being able to save her.  She was in the process of rejecting the transplanted liver when she died.  I was 2 and they could not take my liver.  I am trying to remind myself of this, because I keep wanting to go back to the old thoughts of 'why didnt they use mine, because i had to have been a match' i just had to have been.  or i was the healthier one so that means i stole all of the nutrients from her and made her sick..so it is really is my fault that she was so sick..when i know full well that fraternal twins do no share an egg sac thing.  i know this stuff.. but i still try to carry the blame.  i believe everyone blames me.   i was brave this year and posted on facebook and i am surprised at the responses i have gotten.. i have not thought maybe about how others maybe feel or what they remember at all.. i dont remember but i have discounted that family remembers older than me maybe do remember. and by me posting my picture they will remember and tell me. maybe not.  maybe they still grieve too.  i dont know.  i didnt really post it for others though...i posted it really for me. so that i can grieve.  because i have been trying to grieve for so many years in secret .. but this year maybe i can grieve openly a little bit ... still quietly but not in secret ...  i cried while i was britney and was able to acknowledge that i truly do miss my sister ..very very much .. i almost made it the whole day without breaking down even ... but as the day ends and my mind begins to quiet...my thoughts begin to drift and i realize that my head is sad...a little broken...a little lost ... and so i am trying to cope..i have music on..i am writing .. im trying to organize my thoughts so that i can get them out..and not keep them trapped in my head... i am fighting the tears though ..i still fight the tears

..

hhhmmmmm

steroid cream is so sexy .... omg im so itchy on my sides lol .. at least the doc listened and gave my something to try out ..cas im about to lather up and take a nap as i think about all the shit im supposed to be working on today ... - sigh -   oh well ...  

crapola the itching is suddenly like a million times worse cas im thinking about it...

like hey you wanna torture info out of me...just make me itch for a couple days and not let me scratch and ill tell you my life story !   yep... ill tell it all lol ... good heavens ..

good heavens ..

but my doc appt went fine this morning.. i was even on time ..

the metformin is in the end going to end up being increased to 2 pills twice a day .. but for now im going to keep doing 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening for a couple more weeks to make sure my stomach is ok... i have to ..have to make sure i am taking it before i eat ..so prevent the stomach upsets from happening ..which is fine... its so much easier in the morning because i know i have to eat in the morning ...things are a little harder in the evenings but that is just something i have to work on more consistently ..  and of course i need to stay on top of checking my sugar at home ..

my weight is holding steady right now which is fine ... im stuck on eating sandwiches and fruit cups..and cereal ... not very inventive i know ..but it works .. i may ask gail if she wouldnt mind making my some egg rolls tomorrow... i kinda want some more of those ..

i see britney tomorrow ... and the bh lady... and on thursday my nerves are all over the place about going to possibly see if i can get a car...be approved for a car....scary...scary...but im hoping i can be..ill figure out the money part later ...right now i just want the bank to say yes ..gosh...

fear and anxiety about later in the week ..so i dont want to really touch on that ..

maybe laying down for a little while is a good idea ... i dont know...

famous people and mental illness

i truly get that any and everyone can have a mental illness ... i understand that any and everyone can commit suicide ...

what i disagree with is that when a famous person commits suicide..the world hurts for them..the world cares for them...the world is sad for them, for their family..the world is concerned suddenly for every single depressed person all of a sudden.. suddenly there is a major need for more access to mental services...suddenly if you need help there is a million posts on social media for help lines, tips for reaching out, guidelines for getting help, a million and one 'you are not alone' messages.  In my small corner of the world depression, mental illness, struggling, suicidal thoughts and all of this did not just suddenly materialize because one famous person committed suicide. Yes, I listened to Linkin Park. Yes, I loved their music, and I am truly sorry he was hurting so much, that he turned to suicide.  I hurt for him the same way I hurt for the people who day by suicide every single day and they are not splashed all across the news and social media.  They are not the faces of mainstream depression or why everyone needs to speak up and get the help that is out there right now.  It is not fair in all honesty.  Help is not free, Help is not easy to get, Help is damn expensive, Help can hurt you and leave you more broken than when you started.  Help is not that lovely, warm, catch you when you fall dream that some people seem to think it is. For now though, everyone is saying how important it is to ask for help and get help,  who is offering to pay for all of this offered help ?  who is going to pay for the medication?  or take me to appointments ?  when the 'help' high wears off who is still going to be in my helping corner?  depression doesn't stop when the media attention goes away you know.  it doesn't begin again when another famous person dies. I don't exist to be your personal charity case when the hot topic is depression and saving someone, that is not how this works.

so yes i am sorry he died.  i am sorry every day for anyone who has reached that point and commits suicide. i am sorry the news and social media has a fucking field day with it and turns it into a circus for the people who live with mental illness every fucking day and continues to deal with life because it is what we do.

disordered eating and forgetting her (nicole)

i have been avoiding writing in a big big way...i dont really know why though ... maybe i am afraid of where my thoughts are drifiting and i dont want to acknowledge them..i dont want to get them out and have to look at them...if i can hide from them then maybe i can keep pretending that they are not really there ..that they are not really getting bad again ...and that i am okay ..you know ...

ive noticed the past few days that i am judging myself rather harshly .. that i am comparing ... that i am condemning myself based on rules and guidelines that i am not even sure i am aware of ..but i do know that i am failing to live up to the expectations ... i fear that my disordered eating is wanting to get kicked into high gear but because of the medication and the fact that i HAVE to eat that it cant ... the fact that not eating for just like less than 12 hours turns me into a horrible mean and grouchy persons means that i cant go days without eating anymore.. the medication and medical issues have put a stop to that little plan... my eating has certainly changed though...i am eating less... i cant handle super crazy big meals anymore .. i get full easily ..  and im not snacking as much . i still have random days of like wanting to eat everything in sight .. but my days of binging dont happen like they used to.. its so hard to explain you know..i do eat..i mean im not starving and im not barfing ... i dont really eat three meals a day though...most days its like 2 meals ... some days i have to force that second meal in because my stomach hurts a lot in the evenings or im not hungry... its weird.. i eat a lot of fruit cups .. but i am noticing that my thinking around food is getting a bit ..ok its getting a lot disordered again...im losing weight and i think that is a direct correlation to the current influx of off thinking ...like i need to get more effective...i need to lose faster...i have to do better...etc .. but at the same time the need to sabotage is strong ... and its like trying to lose and not lose at the same time .. it truly is a daily battle with myself ... is it a good day or a not good day you know...constantly bickering with myself to just eat and not go overboard..but these are secret thoughts..not to be voiced to anyone else ..  yet it is never ending chatter ... food food food ...  -sigh-

my mind is so focused on the date ... i watch the calendar and the clock...i watch and wait ... i think about it and the guilt builds up and the shame builds up and i  dont know what to do with it.. i just watch the calendar ...and wait as another year comes to an end and i am here and she is not and i wait..another year of silence ...but this year i have my own picture of us together ...this year i wont forget her ... this year i will try hard to remember ... i keep trying to hard to remember her and nothing is there .. and i have forgotten ...  her memory is lost to me.. what kind of sister am i to have forgotten her?  to have let her memory fade away.. ?  no one tells me about her ..and i wonder if anyone at all remembers her anymore ?  has anyone kept her memory alive ?  am i alone in trying hard to remember her ?   i keep watching the calendar ..because the day draws near... i fear it coming every year ...  i fear that i do not remember .. i am ashamed that i have forgotten

im fine

There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am so tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired. I dont know what to do or say and i would prefer to stay in bed and not have to deal with anything. I don't think I am really believed when i tell the doctors that I do not have time to have a proper breakdown, as there is no time. After a night of tossing and turning, I woke up this morning to complete the mid-term exam for the pharmacy class that needs to be turned in today. Yesterday after some not so good choices, I still showed up for my doctors appointment in the afternoon because it was to late to cancel it. It did not matter that I found out yesterday morning that I will be losing the pdoc who i have worked with for what 4 or more years ? She will no longer be working in the mental health portion of the clinic, they need her down in the medical part of the clinic. Which means she may as well be gone to us. So immediate shut down, and as she so nicely told me yesterday she is not a therapist and so she didnt have to sit and wait for me to talk to her again, and that i was to old to act like this. She said she would rather i yelled at her or said anything so i said nothing. She knows, i swear she knows how hard it is for me to deal with people leaving and she tells me this ..and what does she expect me to do? so downhill spiral was instant and immediate. why is it so easy to automatically go after myself ? hurt myself , get back at myself in someway, punish myself..stop thinking and just hurt over and over ..in as many ways possibly because that is all that matters..that is all that counts..i knew i had another doctors appointment later that afternoon and i planned to go and sit through it quietly.. not that it actually worked out like that..and i was a wimp and cried ....but before that i got new razors .. but to make it a happy occasion i also got sarahs birthday stuff.. paranoia is way up and just buying razors at the store freaks me out ... in the grand scheme of things that should be the least of my worries .. long story short ..i told my doc i fell and denied needing help for anything at all.. i told her my plan was to stop everything .. meds, appts, no more docs, no more therapy, because everyone leaves in the end.. and i feel so abandoned ..and hopeless and feel so alone right now and lost and empty..and hurt...really really hurt ..and lets just throw in sick for my troubles ..stupid medicine .. so doc had a convo with me about not giving up and i may have mumbled something along the lines of ok...but i do what to give up...i really really do want to give up ...but again i cant..there is no time..sarahs birthday is wed..i have to feed the cats..i have to go to class..im supposed to be going home this weekend..see my schedule is to full...i cant pencil in giving up anywhere just yet..my stomach is to sick to handle food..but hey i lost 3 pounds in 2 days...everyone should be happy right ..yay me... im not really though... im drowning in sadness .. actually maybe im just drowning .. i have a couple hours to pull myself together before i have to go face the world again .. put on my im fine face and hold back the tears ... because all anyone needs to know is that im fine ... thats all that matters .. so it doesnt really matter what i am doing to myself as long as everyone believes im fine..then im fine ..tons of happy smiles and rainbows and unicorns
(depressing isnt it :( ) but yeah... im fine

"I hate the killing. I hate the violence. But I cannot stand aside and let others die for me. I will fight, too. I can't kill. Don't ask me to kill. 
-sarafina 

fears and things

i really wish i could think cleary and make sense but right now my thinking is all over the place...mostly negative ...sometimes im not even sure what im even thinking about ..its like nothing is there ..im just kinda laying down and nothing is in my head ... but my thinking when i am aware of it does have that sorta suicidal tone to it again ..like the thoughts are there but my body and mind are to out of it and to tired to put the effort into doing any thing ..like oh there is a thought..let me watch it float on by because im certainly not acting on it right this minute type thing ... but they are there ...

my mind is currently stuck on this medication issue and it has me afraid ... and i finally am realizing that i am afraid to make the medication change because i am deathly afraid of coming off of the effexor ... i came off before and almost ended up in the hospital... i came off cold turkey ..i seem to have issues with tapering off of meds ..its like ok you want me to stop so ill stop..i see no reason to drag it out ..but effexor is crazy dangerous to do that with ..i know that ..and i am currently fighting myself hard to not just go ahead and stop the medicine already because i know it will drive up my symptoms of well craziness .. and as with all things i cant afford to go to the hospital..i dont have time to be in the hospital ... but i dont have money to buy a bunch of medicine either ..and i had been getting the wellbutrion from crossover which means waiting for it to come in...  and with it being the holiday the clinic is closed tomorrow and tuesday..so i cant even get her until wed...maybe i could call britney...i dont know..i dont want to talk...but i just keep thinking and my head keeps filling up with stuff ..and overwhelming me and i keep trying to escape into sleep..maybe that is what i will just keep doing ..sleeping the days away for now just to stop the thinking ... im tired of thinking ..

in the mean time ..i have become and unfeeling , irritable, leave me alone, dont touch me.. i need silence ALWAYS not so nice person ... sigh ...i truly just want to be left alone ..like talking to noa tonight took a heck of a lot of effort and that made me feel so sad ... talking to sarah takes so much effort these days ... i dont want her to touch me and we dont play anymore .. and i love her company and being around her and things ..but i cant get past my need for utter solitude .. for silence ... i know it is causing a strain ...  im just kinda tired ... this time of year also is not a good time of year for me right anyway...so yeah ... a lot of little things ... a lot of big things ... just a lot of stuff going on ...

weight

things have been all over the place lately to put it nicely... and well in the midst of everything i have been losing a little bit of weight ... i went swimming last weekend and i wore my bathing suit ,,hence the picture .... it has been a long time since i have acutally worn it and it fit quite nicely in my opinion ..like it surprised my at how it fit..

like its been five weeks into the program now and i believe ive lost about 12 pds so far..eating better...making better choices... i still struggle with binge days .. and not good choices..or days like today where i eat so early that now im hungry and want to munch now that im laying down and ready for bed..but my body is changing and that is a scary scary thing. 

but im going back to the pool tomorrow to swim again with sarah and that is exciting. 

very very hurt
that is all

thinking irrational thinks

i have been trying to write this for a while now..my attention wavers in so many different directions ..searching for so many unknown things..i know my thinking has become more and more irrational as the day as gone on ..bordering on downright harmful in some aspects..but i am to tired and in to much physical pain to fight against them .. like the current physical pain is enough that some thoughts are centering on punishment, on forgetting the rules, on becoming to soft, to easy on myself..before this stomach pain was nothing, i went to work and lived with it daily..now one day has knocked me on my ass and im ready to call the doctor in tears because it hurts so much. yet i am reminded that it is indeed my fault. because I didnt pay attention. because i didnt take the medicine correctly. so the pain is mine to deal with. so deal with it i must it seems. that is just the tip of the iceberg of thinking as i have lain in bed this afternoon trying and failing not to be sick. if i know i am irrational then how can i not listen to myself? i mean there is truth in there? i mean in all the current chaos i did mess up the medicine and now i am paying for it right ? mommy is ignoring me so i guess she must be mad at me or like someone better ? and sarah has so much extra help what does she need me for ? and just all sorts of thinking thinks...

well ...

things are maybe sorta beginning to calm down in some ways ?   the boys were here this weekend and i actually took them to the pool...like i actually got in the pool with them..in a bathing suit..i did have a tshirt on but i couldnt cover up the scars on my legs ... and i tried not to over stress about it..and i had a good time with them...gosh i have missed swimming ...i managed a couple hours and even managed to swim some laps too...it was so relaxing in the pool even if i was playing with the boys and swimming..it wasnt crowded and it wasnt a crazy hot day...i got out after a couple of hours but let the boys play for another hour or so before we left the pool... so we stayed for around 3 hours before calling it quits ... but boy am i tired..im not sore though...  i asked sarah if she would go back with me so i could go swimming again..and she said she would .. maybe if i had help we could get her into the 2 ft section and she could just relax in the water you know .. 

it just sucks at how much fear gets in the way of things ... so years i have just kind of vetoed going to the pool and stuff because of being so afraid of  the scars and what ppeople think and being ashamed ... and ive missed out on doing so many things that i actually like doing and its just like life has become so 'small and safe' i guess..like i only do what i know is ok ..what i know ill be ok at..i dont take any chances..i dont step to far out of my comfort zone at all...and it does make me sad ..when i do end up stepping out of my comfort zone and i have fun..and then its like why was so worried..why did i stress my self out to the point of panic and anxiety and overwhelming fear ??? why did i talk myself out of it because of being affraid when it could of been so much fun ?? how do i let go of the fear ?  how do i become more comfortable ?

hopefully this week things will begin to calm down further ... we may have figured out things with sarah and it could be one of her medications..she hasnt taken it for a couple days and she is more herself and that is really really good..she has an appt with a new psych doc so hopefully they will go over all of her medications and find ones that work well together for her..but i hope this will continue to be a upwards move and things will contnue to improve and the crisis team stuff will decrease ...

tomorrow is my last day in the pharmacy and my last day of class in july 13th !  it is closing in soon!  i have a lot of math to work on though..and well a lot of work in general to work on actually lol..im a little bit behind with that ... i may work on the resume tonight though... im doing well in the food farmacy class though and since starting it, i have lost almost 10 pounds.. almost ... i have another cooking class this week..and hopefully this week ill feel more like cooking ... this past week ive been so much more stressed and tired and havent been wanting to cook at all ... my blood pressure on friday was 122/82... i honestly cant remember the last time the top number was that low!  maybe the program is a good idea you know...some days i feel like im trying and some days i feel like im just kinda floating out in left field with direction at all and have no idea what im doing ... and it is rough because i feel like everyone else is doing so much better than me and im just struggling so much much you know... i feel so inexperienced in the whole vegetable realm .. and i dont know how to manage them correctly and stuff...maybe i can ask someone to help me next time ..with like cutting them down and how to prepare them for the freezer and things.. maybe i can email sarah ann and ask her about it.

i kinda took myself out today to build a bear and to bath and body works.  it was fun.  it was nice having a bit of time to myself after having the boys this weekend ... just some total peace and quiet for a little while .. i wasnt able to stay out for to long because anxiety still wins out and i get anxious being out for to long by myself ..but i was ok for the most part for a couple hours ...

so for now im just writing and listening to music until sarahs crisis person is finished..and then ill prolly do dinner and then work on organizing and cleaning up my room and the litter boxes ... im tired ..like really tired but i cant seem to go to sleep ...  im almost cautiously thinking i have a tad bit more energy you know ...  its so weird ...  my body feels different...lighter in some ways ... i do have times when i have to fight myself not to self sabotage in big ways...i get so scared when i start to lose weight... i really do... but why???  why do i get scared..i mean i do have some unhealthy views of weight and body image and all of that ... but losing weight triggers something... but im not 100% sure of what it is ...

Nicole and I

i now have my very own picture of the two of us.  i plan to get it framed.  it means so very much to me that mommy gave me one.   no one can take it from me at all.

rough

things are just rough
im tired
im overwhelmed
im frustrated
im sad
im feeling like my space is being invaded in a big big big big way and there is nothing i can do about it ... i feel helpless and at a loss on how to help sarah .. she has been in the hospital this week and they sent her home without finding her a bed ..even though something is wrong ... a mental health crisis .. the hospital was all sorts of shady with getting her discharged..her psychiatrist is out of town and so things are a bit heated right now and it just feels like blame is being thrown around and tempers are up.. and it all just leaves me feeling so helpless because  i am at a loss for how to help at this point .. because it has been a steady downhill type thing and and it is so hard watching and being unable to do anything to make it better... and so now one of her mental health ppl seems to think she is in charge and that kinda pisses me off .. but ok ill step back and let that go i guess .. i mean im not stupid ... i do know how to handle crisis situations... i dont like being treated like im a child ..  no one seems to be taking into account that i live here too... and i guess in the grand scheme of things ... it is just that i am here to help sarah and i guess it would be good if i just remember that too..and do what im asked to do ..or be where im supposed to be or do what everyone expects me to do right ?  drop everything and stay here?  because again..its not about me .. so how may i help you

as i have said before ... i don't have time for any type of any crisis..so im trying to maintain some control over myself..right now im just tired you know...my body is tired..but i have to keep moving ..i have to keep doing stuff because that is what is expected right ? get up and get out..smile..but i dont feel much like talking ... i really dont ... there is to much going on in my head..my thoughts are pretty sad and negative right now...tired and negative and so i am hiding in the silence..so that no one has to be bothered with what i am thinking about..

today will be another busy day ... ill dig up some energy from somewhere...

lets see how i measure up on the failure meter today .

anxiety is rising ...

 it seems that no matter what i do my anxiety is steadily going up these past couple days ... and i am quietly freaking out and attacking myself in small ways... not letting myself eat.. picking on myself..bullying myself...wondering why i cant be better..wondering why im not pretty or why i dont have like three jobs or 3.5 kids or a big house .. why i cant be emotionally stable or eat healthy 100% of the time or why i cant go exercise or like myself on a continuous basis ... or why i have to be me ..and i hate being me.im no good at it ...i hate it... no one even likes me ... and i know im being irrational right now..because i have made friends and i know i have people who like me and care about me and my well being and enjoy my company..but right now my focus is stuck on Saturday and my inability to make myself perfect between now and then isnt able to happen and it depresses me...im disappointment in myself..i feel like i havent tried hard enough.. i feel like im going to be judged by mommy and everyone there ... and i truly just want to go and have fun..but im so terrified that ill go and just be a disappointment .. and it makes me feel like a child and that i cant escape and that ill fail .. and it makes me want to cry ..

im feeling a bit stressed out now with class because things are moving more into math and i am not good with math and im already feeling like a failure and im not understanding it very well..i dont want to mess up but i feel like a failure already ..and it sucks because ive tried so hard...im not going to stop trying ... im not going to fail..i dont want to fail but fighting the thoughts are draining me ...

im finally seeing britney tomorrow after 2 long weeks ... i have a lot crowding in my head so seeing her will be a good thing...i dont ill be able to see her the week after though because of money but hopefully the week after that ill be able to go back to every week..i hope..it is hard paying out of pocket ... this week has been harder money wise .. blah .. this week i just hate money i guess .. i still need to get a couple meds that i forgot about and still travel and it is just causing more stress as i try to make it all work and make it all fit together without coming back with absolutely no money...

i cant really look for a second job now due to all of the summer obligations i already have ..but come fall i truly will have to get a second job..and im hoping one will open up in a pharmacy for me ...i truly am..  plus i am trying to save up for a couple vacations ... well possibly three vacations lol definites are florida in january ... and texas in july ... alaska may get pushed back a bit ... but the water park in texas does sound pretty cool. and florida is to go to harry potter world at universal studios and pandora world at animal kingdom in disney world ...  im not sure what the holidays are going to look like for this year...i kind of hope im working in all honesty .. but we will see how it all works out.. and with mommy moving ..who knows what the plan will be ...

but going home on friday for her retirement party on saturday and then she will be moving towards the end of june ... who knew it would actually happen.. i dont think i ever believed mommy would actually retire ... but she is ...i think the heart attack scared her a lot ...

but im getting a headache .. so im going to lay down..this took a while to write since i took so many breaks and had so many distractions going on ...

i have been making changes ...

well it has been interesting the past week or so .. i have been making changes..like really actually trying with eating and things and trying new vegtables and watching what im eating and noting when im over eating and stuff and beginning to cut back... like in the past week ive tried collards, zuchiinni and squash...three things i have NEVER eaten and probably swore i would never eat in my life..and here i am trying them... and i maybe even liked the zuchinni and squash..im eating yogurt and granola again.. im still snacking a lot but im aware of it..im back on ALL of my meds as of well yesterday ... and i go in tomorrow for my a1c check... im nervous about it but well it is what it is..im just hoping it has gone down..please let it have gone down...

it has been really stressful though the past few weeks and no therapy and lost a support person and class stuff and starting interning and just a lot going on...going home next weekend and picking up jaylen and seeing a bunch of people at the retirement party and so i am still heavy in judgement mode ... like i have a week to magically become someone else...someone better ...someone different .. someone just not me ...  and it makes me so very sad that all i am is me .. it makes me sad that i feel so very unimportant .. that even now i wish so much to be beautiful and better and just more ...and still i am just me ... and there is absolutely nothing special about me ... my head is feeling heavy with negative thoughts today... but i gotta get ready for class ...

my computer has been acting up and that is really annoying me so very much ...

do i truly not matter as a person?

i am sad...very very sad..i am feeling incredibly unimportant..like me doing anything outside of sarah is frowned upon..i dont know.  its not the first time ive been asked to stop something im doing to come home ..and it wont be the last..it just hurts knowing that everyone expects me TO drop everything ..

just frustrated to the extreme

im frustrated and angry right now... mommy called this morning fishing for information i guess...her and man had been talking about me and my plans and i despise being talked about.. it is a major trigger because it causes paranoia..it makes me think i am being picked on or made fun of...and it is frustrating and confusing.  i didnt lie. but i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything because it will get back to her ... no matter what... i will just keep my silence because every fucking thing gets back to her..thats why i dont post truly on facebook because it gets back to her..nothing is safe from her..and i hate that..is it any surprise i am so paranoid???  any surprise that i dont talk a lot.. or share anything .. i dont feel safe .. maybe that is at the bottom of all of this...i just dont feel safe.. im glad she is moving..i really really am..