im fine

There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am so tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired. I dont know what to do or say and i would prefer to stay in bed and not have to deal with anything. I don't think I am really believed when i tell the doctors that I do not have time to have a proper breakdown, as there is no time. After a night of tossing and turning, I woke up this morning to complete the mid-term exam for the pharmacy class that needs to be turned in today. Yesterday after some not so good choices, I still showed up for my doctors appointment in the afternoon because it was to late to cancel it. It did not matter that I found out yesterday morning that I will be losing the pdoc who i have worked with for what 4 or more years ? She will no longer be working in the mental health portion of the clinic, they need her down in the medical part of the clinic. Which means she may as well be gone to us. So immediate shut down, and as she so nicely told me yesterday she is not a therapist and so she didnt have to sit and wait for me to talk to her again, and that i was to old to act like this. She said she would rather i yelled at her or said anything so i said nothing. She knows, i swear she knows how hard it is for me to deal with people leaving and she tells me this ..and what does she expect me to do? so downhill spiral was instant and immediate. why is it so easy to automatically go after myself ? hurt myself , get back at myself in someway, punish myself..stop thinking and just hurt over and over ..in as many ways possibly because that is all that matters..that is all that counts..i knew i had another doctors appointment later that afternoon and i planned to go and sit through it quietly.. not that it actually worked out like that..and i was a wimp and cried ....but before that i got new razors .. but to make it a happy occasion i also got sarahs birthday stuff.. paranoia is way up and just buying razors at the store freaks me out ... in the grand scheme of things that should be the least of my worries .. long story short ..i told my doc i fell and denied needing help for anything at all.. i told her my plan was to stop everything .. meds, appts, no more docs, no more therapy, because everyone leaves in the end.. and i feel so abandoned ..and hopeless and feel so alone right now and lost and empty..and hurt...really really hurt ..and lets just throw in sick for my troubles ..stupid medicine .. so doc had a convo with me about not giving up and i may have mumbled something along the lines of ok...but i do what to give up...i really really do want to give up ...but again i cant..there is no time..sarahs birthday is wed..i have to feed the cats..i have to go to class..im supposed to be going home this weekend..see my schedule is to full...i cant pencil in giving up anywhere just yet..my stomach is to sick to handle food..but hey i lost 3 pounds in 2 days...everyone should be happy right ..yay me... im not really though... im drowning in sadness .. actually maybe im just drowning .. i have a couple hours to pull myself together before i have to go face the world again .. put on my im fine face and hold back the tears ... because all anyone needs to know is that im fine ... thats all that matters .. so it doesnt really matter what i am doing to myself as long as everyone believes im fine..then im fine ..tons of happy smiles and rainbows and unicorns
(depressing isnt it :( ) but yeah... im fine