medicine changes

since i am up i might as well write :)  and boy is there a lot to write !!

I guess ill start with the big thing first .... i am feeling more alive than i have felt in forever...and by alive i mean more 'awake' i guess...its hard to explain...like generally i go through the motions of life..i maintain..i manage...im tired and sleepy through the day..and it is like i am in a almost perpetual fog kinda ... like im here but im never fully here ..i wonder if that makes since..hmm ... like its hard for me to fully be aware of my surruondings because im always so stuck in my head..or so focused on the millions of other things im thinking about ...or just not fully with it you know...my mind is just sometimes..ok a lot of times just on autopilot and im just going along for the ride..or im sleep and just not dealing with anything or overwhelmed ...and sometimes i can break through the fog a bit ... i mean i do have happy times..i do have fun with sarah and laugh and play and do stuff you know...im not always stuck in the fog..but the fog has been a constant companion for almost my entire life... like i cant look back over my life without feeling the depression has overshadowed it...without feeling the fear and sadness and feeling like an outsider in my own life ... i have been trying to escape my life so long that right now i am actually terrified of what is going on..because it is new and different and just altogether scary in a totally different way... but i have to explain it also !  ok  so earlier this year i went of all the psych meds... BAD idea.. just very very bad idea...to say i kinda fell off the deep end is putting it nicely...yeah i was probably that step away from actually being put in the hospital had i not been put back on something when i was .. im just glad courtney listened to me in my moment of utter madness and put me on effexor..i picked effexor not her.. i had been on it before and remembered enough to know that i felt it had worked back then ..but back then i couldnt afford it .. but now there is a generic thank heavens that is affordable this time around ..so on the effexor i go..couple months in (maybe more ..my ability to remember time frames just sucks)...i see her and we talk about how im feeling and decide to increase it, instead of adding in an new medication at the time ...which i was fine with ... over the summer a bunch of triggering and overwhelming stuff happened and so i was up and down... i did cut once ... and havent done it again but i do have razors .. luckily the desire to use them has not come back again very much .. so i guess im managing ok .. but i ended up having to stop seeing courtney because she has been moved down to the medical clinic side of things and a new lady has been hired upstairs for the mental health side of things at the clinic..which i am not thrilled about... i ended up having to meet the new lady last week because i realized that i needed refills on my medicine and that with going out of town ..i really couldnt put it off ... it took a lot of convincing and some pushing from sarah to get out of the door but i went to the appointment and ended up talking about what has been going on and how ive been feeling and stuff and we decided to add on the abilify ...a low dose ... it was a conversation that i had already had with courtney ..when we talked about my options with either increasing the effexor or adding something else on the kinda boost the effexor ... so it was a step i was comfortable taking..since i had talked about it already... and i was also super lucky in that she had a sample that was a freaking months supply !  now comes the scary part though...ive been taking the medicine for about a week now... umm i started it last thursday... and i am feeling more awake ... i am feeling almost excited about things..about starting my day you know... like i wake up and kinda want to get out of bed and do things...and its like what is this?  what is happening ?? i dont know these feelings ?  i mean i am a pro at staying in bed !  i can do it for days and not care !  and all of a sudden i want to get up?  i want to do things?   this hasnt really happened before and i cant seem to wrap my head around it?   i mean no it doesnt last all day... no im not becoming super woman over here ... but it is happening enough the past couple days that i am noticing ... like i was excited to go to the beach over the weekend and had a good time.. i was excited yesterday to get my hair done ... normally the beach would have terrified me to the point of panic and anxiety... i was nervous .. but i made a new friend and we stuck together and the anxiety was held at bay ... i didnt take any extra medicine ... and i had a great time .. i still had to take some quiet time to myself during the day..but that was ok to .. yesterday i didnt get frustrated when i had to wait to get my hair done... i spent most of my time over there talking to curvon and jr .. we watched movies and ate strawberries and had a good time .. like my mood is still not totally level but it is more up than down the past couple days and it is slightly mind boggling ... like this i dont know ... i know depressed.i know suicidal..i know anxious..angry..sad... but ok..excited..calm... maybe even almost slightly happy...this this i dont know !!!  this i dont know what to do with..what am i supposed to do with it ?  am i supposed to do anything with it ??

i also realized during my talk with the new medicine doctor that i am not needing to take the anxiety medication as much these days ... something that i had not really noticed .. of course i asked for the prescription ... and was given a prescription for a small amount to take with me out of town..and i am still going back and forth about even getting it filled... i know the medicine makes me sleepy and as much as i may want them ..and as anxious as i may be...taking them around mommy may not be the best idea ... but thinking about being around mommy still leaves me feeling anxious and even writing this i have to stop and calm myself down...i do want to be able to stop taking so much medication... i was looking at what i take the other day and it is a lot...and i guess i have just come to depend on all of the medicine and it is hard to let any of them go completely ... except the metformin !  the metformin i will gladly throw out the window at an given time !  just let the doc give the word and out it goes ! but i get so nervous without the psych meds ..like can i manage without them..will i fall apart..will i be ok without them? but now i am questioning if i can manage without the klonopin and that is so scary

but getting a little tired ..maybe ill sneak in a nap and then get up for good at 7 or so ...waking up at 4am is a little on the early side