thoughts on mommy ....

just a side note -  i went on vacation without filling the anxiety medication because i thought i was strong enough to manage without it... that i would be ok.... well as you can see and read.. THAT WAS A GIGANTIC MISTAKE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS -- sigh


being with mommy = hello darkness, my old friend. we meet again. i have missed you. i am lonely without you. it is as if i have lost a part of myself that i am more than willing to welcome back. That mean streak. That rebellious streak. That judgemental screecher that sits on my back, whispers in my ear, keeping me distracted, and out of focus. Judging me and everyone around me. picking and looking and watching everything. waiting and on alert for something, anything to happen. the thoughts, the questions of why, of what i deserve. of if i was loved enough. did i get the amount i deserved. did i get exactly what i deserved and i am paying the price of my badness level. i have to make up for being bad. i have to atone for my sins. i have to pay back for not being good, for being broken. for not being perfect. i see her look at me with disgust, with an emptiness. like i am not there. like she wises for anyone but me. i am not enough. who does she want? the good girl? puppet? the bad girl? cinder? silence? so many ? and fighting for her acceptance for her love and watching her with Noa and knowing that there is not enough for everyone. That i had my chance I guess. Now I am to old. I am an adult. I am not a child right ? I should have to compete for my mothers love. I watch though. I se the hugs and care and love she gives the children and the hurt and anger try to surface. I see the gifts and extra that she gives while I yearn and receive nothing but criticism. While I lie and say that it is fine as I am told to do better, to be better, to be more. I agree i can be more. But what else can I do? I can feel the cracks forming as 'more' tries to become a reality. what creating this time. another sad child craving attention and care? an angry child demanding to be seen and acknowledged? how much battering can one body take? how many words must be said before it all just stops and there is a break from all of it . How do I come back from vacation feeling as if I have failed at life? I wished on that second day to just turn around and come home. i was frustrated and upset and wishing I had filled the medication. I was overwhelmed and feeling like I couldnt deal. i did not want to see her. I did not want to be bothered with her. i was afraid already and already I was feeling attacked. just talking to her on the phone. I was reacting to her, putting myself on the defense. i didnt want to be there but i had already driven most of the 12 hours and could not turn back. I see her and the jokes and name calling at my expense starts. i laugh because that is what i do. Life goes on I guess. The days go by and the wedding happens. I thought I looked nice but doubt creeped in heavily after seeing mommy of course because she came up and looked at me with her arms crossed and said nothing..just looked at me. have you ever had someone do that? it is as if i am being criticized and dismissed all at the same time. i tried so hard to find something approving..something nice. something pretty..and it was shot down without a word. just a look of utter disgust.. i hate being watched but she watches me, she asks what i eat. what im doing. where im going. the child is me responds with anger but the need to obey is still there. it still takes over. and i am left stuck and broken and yearning for things that i can not have...how easily she can pass me over...how easily she can seek my approval and ignore my seeking of her approval..my seeking her love...can she not see that there is not any feeling behind my words...that there is no desire to be near her .. that i am usually defensive or upset around her...how can she not see ?? how can she not see me ?