fears and things

i really wish i could think cleary and make sense but right now my thinking is all over the place...mostly negative ...sometimes im not even sure what im even thinking about ..its like nothing is there ..im just kinda laying down and nothing is in my head ... but my thinking when i am aware of it does have that sorta suicidal tone to it again ..like the thoughts are there but my body and mind are to out of it and to tired to put the effort into doing any thing ..like oh there is a thought..let me watch it float on by because im certainly not acting on it right this minute type thing ... but they are there ...

my mind is currently stuck on this medication issue and it has me afraid ... and i finally am realizing that i am afraid to make the medication change because i am deathly afraid of coming off of the effexor ... i came off before and almost ended up in the hospital... i came off cold turkey ..i seem to have issues with tapering off of meds ..its like ok you want me to stop so ill stop..i see no reason to drag it out ..but effexor is crazy dangerous to do that with ..i know that ..and i am currently fighting myself hard to not just go ahead and stop the medicine already because i know it will drive up my symptoms of well craziness .. and as with all things i cant afford to go to the hospital..i dont have time to be in the hospital ... but i dont have money to buy a bunch of medicine either ..and i had been getting the wellbutrion from crossover which means waiting for it to come in...  and with it being the holiday the clinic is closed tomorrow and tuesday..so i cant even get her until wed...maybe i could call britney...i dont know..i dont want to talk...but i just keep thinking and my head keeps filling up with stuff ..and overwhelming me and i keep trying to escape into sleep..maybe that is what i will just keep doing ..sleeping the days away for now just to stop the thinking ... im tired of thinking ..

in the mean time ..i have become and unfeeling , irritable, leave me alone, dont touch me.. i need silence ALWAYS not so nice person ... sigh ...i truly just want to be left alone ..like talking to noa tonight took a heck of a lot of effort and that made me feel so sad ... talking to sarah takes so much effort these days ... i dont want her to touch me and we dont play anymore .. and i love her company and being around her and things ..but i cant get past my need for utter solitude .. for silence ... i know it is causing a strain ...  im just kinda tired ... this time of year also is not a good time of year for me right anyway...so yeah ... a lot of little things ... a lot of big things ... just a lot of stuff going on ...