well ...

things are maybe sorta beginning to calm down in some ways ?   the boys were here this weekend and i actually took them to the pool...like i actually got in the pool with them..in a bathing suit..i did have a tshirt on but i couldnt cover up the scars on my legs ... and i tried not to over stress about it..and i had a good time with them...gosh i have missed swimming ...i managed a couple hours and even managed to swim some laps too...it was so relaxing in the pool even if i was playing with the boys and swimming..it wasnt crowded and it wasnt a crazy hot day...i got out after a couple of hours but let the boys play for another hour or so before we left the pool... so we stayed for around 3 hours before calling it quits ... but boy am i tired..im not sore though...  i asked sarah if she would go back with me so i could go swimming again..and she said she would .. maybe if i had help we could get her into the 2 ft section and she could just relax in the water you know .. 

it just sucks at how much fear gets in the way of things ... so years i have just kind of vetoed going to the pool and stuff because of being so afraid of  the scars and what ppeople think and being ashamed ... and ive missed out on doing so many things that i actually like doing and its just like life has become so 'small and safe' i guess..like i only do what i know is ok ..what i know ill be ok at..i dont take any chances..i dont step to far out of my comfort zone at all...and it does make me sad ..when i do end up stepping out of my comfort zone and i have fun..and then its like why was so worried..why did i stress my self out to the point of panic and anxiety and overwhelming fear ??? why did i talk myself out of it because of being affraid when it could of been so much fun ?? how do i let go of the fear ?  how do i become more comfortable ?

hopefully this week things will begin to calm down further ... we may have figured out things with sarah and it could be one of her medications..she hasnt taken it for a couple days and she is more herself and that is really really good..she has an appt with a new psych doc so hopefully they will go over all of her medications and find ones that work well together for her..but i hope this will continue to be a upwards move and things will contnue to improve and the crisis team stuff will decrease ...

tomorrow is my last day in the pharmacy and my last day of class in july 13th !  it is closing in soon!  i have a lot of math to work on though..and well a lot of work in general to work on actually lol..im a little bit behind with that ... i may work on the resume tonight though... im doing well in the food farmacy class though and since starting it, i have lost almost 10 pounds.. almost ... i have another cooking class this week..and hopefully this week ill feel more like cooking ... this past week ive been so much more stressed and tired and havent been wanting to cook at all ... my blood pressure on friday was 122/82... i honestly cant remember the last time the top number was that low!  maybe the program is a good idea you know...some days i feel like im trying and some days i feel like im just kinda floating out in left field with direction at all and have no idea what im doing ... and it is rough because i feel like everyone else is doing so much better than me and im just struggling so much much you know... i feel so inexperienced in the whole vegetable realm .. and i dont know how to manage them correctly and stuff...maybe i can ask someone to help me next time ..with like cutting them down and how to prepare them for the freezer and things.. maybe i can email sarah ann and ask her about it.

i kinda took myself out today to build a bear and to bath and body works.  it was fun.  it was nice having a bit of time to myself after having the boys this weekend ... just some total peace and quiet for a little while .. i wasnt able to stay out for to long because anxiety still wins out and i get anxious being out for to long by myself ..but i was ok for the most part for a couple hours ...

so for now im just writing and listening to music until sarahs crisis person is finished..and then ill prolly do dinner and then work on organizing and cleaning up my room and the litter boxes ... im tired ..like really tired but i cant seem to go to sleep ...  im almost cautiously thinking i have a tad bit more energy you know ...  its so weird ...  my body feels different...lighter in some ways ... i do have times when i have to fight myself not to self sabotage in big ways...i get so scared when i start to lose weight... i really do... but why???  why do i get scared..i mean i do have some unhealthy views of weight and body image and all of that ... but losing weight triggers something... but im not 100% sure of what it is ...