disordered eating and forgetting her (nicole)

i have been avoiding writing in a big big way...i dont really know why though ... maybe i am afraid of where my thoughts are drifiting and i dont want to acknowledge them..i dont want to get them out and have to look at them...if i can hide from them then maybe i can keep pretending that they are not really there ..that they are not really getting bad again ...and that i am okay ..you know ...

ive noticed the past few days that i am judging myself rather harshly .. that i am comparing ... that i am condemning myself based on rules and guidelines that i am not even sure i am aware of ..but i do know that i am failing to live up to the expectations ... i fear that my disordered eating is wanting to get kicked into high gear but because of the medication and the fact that i HAVE to eat that it cant ... the fact that not eating for just like less than 12 hours turns me into a horrible mean and grouchy persons means that i cant go days without eating anymore.. the medication and medical issues have put a stop to that little plan... my eating has certainly changed though...i am eating less... i cant handle super crazy big meals anymore .. i get full easily ..  and im not snacking as much . i still have random days of like wanting to eat everything in sight .. but my days of binging dont happen like they used to.. its so hard to explain you know..i do eat..i mean im not starving and im not barfing ... i dont really eat three meals a day though...most days its like 2 meals ... some days i have to force that second meal in because my stomach hurts a lot in the evenings or im not hungry... its weird.. i eat a lot of fruit cups .. but i am noticing that my thinking around food is getting a bit ..ok its getting a lot disordered again...im losing weight and i think that is a direct correlation to the current influx of off thinking ...like i need to get more effective...i need to lose faster...i have to do better...etc .. but at the same time the need to sabotage is strong ... and its like trying to lose and not lose at the same time .. it truly is a daily battle with myself ... is it a good day or a not good day you know...constantly bickering with myself to just eat and not go overboard..but these are secret thoughts..not to be voiced to anyone else ..  yet it is never ending chatter ... food food food ...  -sigh-

my mind is so focused on the date ... i watch the calendar and the clock...i watch and wait ... i think about it and the guilt builds up and the shame builds up and i  dont know what to do with it.. i just watch the calendar ...and wait as another year comes to an end and i am here and she is not and i wait..another year of silence ...but this year i have my own picture of us together ...this year i wont forget her ... this year i will try hard to remember ... i keep trying to hard to remember her and nothing is there .. and i have forgotten ...  her memory is lost to me.. what kind of sister am i to have forgotten her?  to have let her memory fade away.. ?  no one tells me about her ..and i wonder if anyone at all remembers her anymore ?  has anyone kept her memory alive ?  am i alone in trying hard to remember her ?   i keep watching the calendar ..because the day draws near... i fear it coming every year ...  i fear that i do not remember .. i am ashamed that i have forgotten