it seems that no matter what i do my anxiety is steadily going up these past couple days ... and i am quietly freaking out and attacking myself in small ways... not letting myself eat.. picking on myself..bullying myself...wondering why i cant be better..wondering why im not pretty or why i dont have like three jobs or 3.5 kids or a big house .. why i cant be emotionally stable or eat healthy 100% of the time or why i cant go exercise or like myself on a continuous basis ... or why i have to be me ..and i hate being me.im no good at it ...i hate it... no one even likes me ... and i know im being irrational right now..because i have made friends and i know i have people who like me and care about me and my well being and enjoy my company..but right now my focus is stuck on Saturday and my inability to make myself perfect between now and then isnt able to happen and it depresses me...im disappointment in myself..i feel like i havent tried hard enough.. i feel like im going to be judged by mommy and everyone there ... and i truly just want to go and have fun..but im so terrified that ill go and just be a disappointment .. and it makes me feel like a child and that i cant escape and that ill fail .. and it makes me want to cry ..
im feeling a bit stressed out now with class because things are moving more into math and i am not good with math and im already feeling like a failure and im not understanding it very well..i dont want to mess up but i feel like a failure already ..and it sucks because ive tried so hard...im not going to stop trying ... im not going to fail..i dont want to fail but fighting the thoughts are draining me ...
im finally seeing britney tomorrow after 2 long weeks ... i have a lot crowding in my head so seeing her will be a good thing...i dont ill be able to see her the week after though because of money but hopefully the week after that ill be able to go back to every week..i hope..it is hard paying out of pocket ... this week has been harder money wise .. blah .. this week i just hate money i guess .. i still need to get a couple meds that i forgot about and still travel and it is just causing more stress as i try to make it all work and make it all fit together without coming back with absolutely no money...
i cant really look for a second job now due to all of the summer obligations i already have ..but come fall i truly will have to get a second job..and im hoping one will open up in a pharmacy for me ...i truly am.. plus i am trying to save up for a couple vacations ... well possibly three vacations lol definites are florida in january ... and texas in july ... alaska may get pushed back a bit ... but the water park in texas does sound pretty cool. and florida is to go to harry potter world at universal studios and pandora world at animal kingdom in disney world ... im not sure what the holidays are going to look like for this year...i kind of hope im working in all honesty .. but we will see how it all works out.. and with mommy moving ..who knows what the plan will be ...
but going home on friday for her retirement party on saturday and then she will be moving towards the end of june ... who knew it would actually happen.. i dont think i ever believed mommy would actually retire ... but she is ...i think the heart attack scared her a lot ...
but im getting a headache .. so im going to lay down..this took a while to write since i took so many breaks and had so many distractions going on ...
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