Another Year

After seeing Britney this week, I have been thinking very hard about how I feel about divine intervention and the afterlife.  How I feel about guardian angels and if Nicole is truly watching over me.  Do I believe she is in a better place.  What do I believe.  I am not a religious person but I do believe in faith.  I believe in heaven and hell.  I believe in the there being an afterlife, I believe in the ability to come back and fix things, i believe in second chances, I believe in guardian angels, and if I wanted to be truly honest with myself I do believe that Nicole has watched over me for my entire life.  There have been a lot of times that i have cried and wished for her to close her eyes and to not see the things i have done, but I believe she is always with me watching and looking out for me.  I mean I have done some very stupid and very dangerous things and I am still alive.  I have been hell bent on killing myself and I am still alive. Some how I am still alive after so many passive attempts to kill myself.  Britney talked to me about survivors guilt, we talked about a lot of things but the survivors guilt is sticking with me, how much i have blamed myself for her dying, how much i have blamed myself for not being able to save her.  She was in the process of rejecting the transplanted liver when she died.  I was 2 and they could not take my liver.  I am trying to remind myself of this, because I keep wanting to go back to the old thoughts of 'why didnt they use mine, because i had to have been a match' i just had to have been.  or i was the healthier one so that means i stole all of the nutrients from her and made her sick..so it is really is my fault that she was so sick..when i know full well that fraternal twins do no share an egg sac thing.  i know this stuff.. but i still try to carry the blame.  i believe everyone blames me.   i was brave this year and posted on facebook and i am surprised at the responses i have gotten.. i have not thought maybe about how others maybe feel or what they remember at all.. i dont remember but i have discounted that family remembers older than me maybe do remember. and by me posting my picture they will remember and tell me. maybe not.  maybe they still grieve too.  i dont know.  i didnt really post it for others though...i posted it really for me. so that i can grieve.  because i have been trying to grieve for so many years in secret .. but this year maybe i can grieve openly a little bit ... still quietly but not in secret ...  i cried while i was britney and was able to acknowledge that i truly do miss my sister ..very very much .. i almost made it the whole day without breaking down even ... but as the day ends and my mind begins to quiet...my thoughts begin to drift and i realize that my head is sad...a little broken...a little lost ... and so i am trying to cope..i have music on..i am writing .. im trying to organize my thoughts so that i can get them out..and not keep them trapped in my head... i am fighting the tears though ..i still fight the tears

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