thinking irrational thinks

i have been trying to write this for a while now..my attention wavers in so many different directions ..searching for so many unknown things..i know my thinking has become more and more irrational as the day as gone on ..bordering on downright harmful in some aspects..but i am to tired and in to much physical pain to fight against them .. like the current physical pain is enough that some thoughts are centering on punishment, on forgetting the rules, on becoming to soft, to easy on myself..before this stomach pain was nothing, i went to work and lived with it daily..now one day has knocked me on my ass and im ready to call the doctor in tears because it hurts so much. yet i am reminded that it is indeed my fault. because I didnt pay attention. because i didnt take the medicine correctly. so the pain is mine to deal with. so deal with it i must it seems. that is just the tip of the iceberg of thinking as i have lain in bed this afternoon trying and failing not to be sick. if i know i am irrational then how can i not listen to myself? i mean there is truth in there? i mean in all the current chaos i did mess up the medicine and now i am paying for it right ? mommy is ignoring me so i guess she must be mad at me or like someone better ? and sarah has so much extra help what does she need me for ? and just all sorts of thinking thinks...