suicide

I have been avoiding in hopes that all of this would make sense..I'm so sad and hurt and confused..I know I talk about suicide a lot..And I know that I have made plans and I go to therapy and get help for the most part..but it is scary that someone I know commits suicide and I am more jealous..I feel awful about it and I can't help the feelings..I have wanted to die for so long and I haven't and even years ago with Sarah and her attempt..the feelings haven't changed..My reaction hasn't changed..I am more aware of how hard it is for the people left behind and that makes me feel even more awful..My nephew has a baby..what is the baby going to grow up knowing? What will they say when the questions come..How will they explain..?? There is nothing to say to make it better or make it understandable..it affects so many people and even writing this has me afraid that I won't be able to handle the thoughts..that I will still kill myself in the end..trying to escape a pain that I just can't explain..I want to hide..isolate ..think and try to make sense of something that may never have the answer I am looking for...I try to deal and I just feel so alone and unsure of things..I don't know how to work through what I am thinking..I keep trying to shut down..I keep trying to hide..I want to be brave and strong and manage but this is a big reminder that I am just broken..very very broken...