It is new years eve...only a few hours until 2015 and I'm at work frustrated and depressed..Ok maybe I just have a cheap load of stuff on my mind..I don't know..I'm just thinking and wanting so much and feeling trapped..this year has been a major major struggle...I've spent most of the year worried and stressed...homeless..jobless and at the end carless..borrowing money just to live..two bad living situations and I'm still in one...And I keep thinking that I have five months left in the lease..And I want to scream..I wish things could have been different..so very different...I've been suicidal..plotting death..And destruction..I've made so many mistakes..so many bad and poor choices...I've been hurt and I have hurt...there has been death of people close to me..death of family members..I'm been used and thrown away...judged and accused..struggling to get by..struggling to survive...And through it all ..I have survived..in the midst of all of it..I have survived.. have Sarah now who has stuck by me when I've had absolutely nothing..I currently have a job and a car...I'm trying to get by..I have taji and bounce.i have friends who have stood by me.And helped me.I have noa..I am alive..I should be happy..And I guess that bothers me..that I'm not happy..that I can't seem to be happy or stay happy..I try ..every year I try and still I spend so much time struggling and worrying and stressing..what am I doing wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Why am I still searching for something I can seem to grasp and keep hold of...what do I want out of life ..that is what I keep asking myself..And I don't have an answer...Yes I know that I am going to have to live with the consequences of my actions...like with the abuse charge and I ashamed..completely but it has happened and I have to live with it..but the fear of having it makes me scared and unsure of myself..And I can't talk about it..because there is nothing to say or do...My future is so uncertain..And that scares me..but I was looking at one of my old blogs and I was really surprised to see how much I have grown up and changed...life has a way of continuing to happen..whether I want it to or not..And I have had to keep going..keep living...I know I have much farther to go...And maybe that is another part to my journey...to my story..things can't stay the same...it is not possible..so yes ..a very hard year is closing tonight..a new year starts at 12am...And it is what I make it..whatever that means...I just want things to work out..I want the fear to stop..I want to be able to be myself..I want to be accepted as I am..
Sidenote...My knee is killing me..ugh
But anyway..guess I'm running out of steam for writing..Just a lot on my mind..still..not fun
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