I'm trying really hard to hold it together but this is a really big trigger and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to make it through this without doing anything....and can't think enough to actually process what I am feeling and I am ashamed of what I am able to identify which isn't good because then I feel guilty and useless and all out of sorts trying to figure out what it is that's going on..for as much as I talk about suicide and I actually had just talked to and you know about this and whether or not I would be able to keep myself safe with fan over the next couple weeks..and I did have some small amount of control and then all of this happened with my nephew and now I am really really triggering and my thinking has gotten so bad very quickly likethinking that I deserve to die because I am jealous that my nephew committed suicide and I should be feeling sad and upset and I am but more than that there is is jealousy part of it and I can't handle that...I thought I had managed to deal with my whole feeling of inadequacy when it comes to suicide and whether or not I can actually go through with it I don't want to die I really don't but having someone else do something that I have thought about in plan and wanted also known for so many years its just really hard...and its just making me feel so crazy because I know that my thinking is irrational and should make sense and that there's just so much going on and I can't figure any of it out because I keep getting stuck with what I'm thinking about..I just don't know what to do I am at work and have been crying off and on all day and being a pest to Sarah and actually going over to her house when I get off of work tonight because I'm not sure about being alone..actually really afraid of being alone right this minute I am afraid of what my thinking is going to do or what place is going to get to because I haven't and I'm not sure if it can actually get any worse than what it is currently..I keep telling myself that I don't want to diebut now I'm stuck thinking about why it is that I'm still alive when things are just so hard and I get tired and just want to give up...I don't know what to do with myself right now I go back and forth between being scared and anxious and paranoid...and it's really hard because I can't sit there and just talk about the fact that this is triggered so much of my own stuff because I'm not supposed to have anything going on and I'm supposed to be fine and able to handle you know all of this type of stuff and instead I feel like I am completely breaking apart...I'm just really tired..I'm really sadand I'm really guilty...