Well it is Friday..back to work and back to life...it been a pretty calm almost 48 hours..I've been at Sarah's since therapy on Wed pretty much..And I am able to feel calmer and not so much on edge here..I hate that I can't get a handle on controlling my mood better..yesterday was up and down mood wise..I'm having some repeat issues/fears coming back up in regards to umm sex and stuff..which is making me sad and has me back on guard sort of...it is frustrating..but that aside last night was very interesting and I think I slept like i was practically dead..I even stayed in one place and didn't get fidgety ..I actually slept until 6am..I rarely do that these days...
Hmm seeing Anita was ok..I was calmer when I left at least..things where incredibly triggered on Wed..And I was overwhelmed by it all and wanted to shut down...but managed to talk to her about somethings..worked on a budget a little bit..And just trying to manage..I have to keep reminding myself that I do have money coming in at least..And so I can eventually catch up..it's just going to take some time..And I'll figure out of to manage..I hate feeling like I'm complaining..because I'm not..I can live on sandwiches and noodles..it isn't the first time..I need to make sure I have food and stuff for taji and bounce and gas..the check today is already divided into nothingness..I won't be able to avoid talking to mommy today..And I just couldn't deal with taking extra shifts at work this week..I'm tired..mentally I have been worn out and upset and working more would not have helped..next week I'll see...but of course the schedule isn't out..it's Friday..ugh..but I just have to remind myself that somehow it will work out..
Anita did tell me that after next week I won't see her for a couple weeks..an I know it is the holiday..but it makes me sad..I know I am struggling a bit ..Ok I'm just struggling right now with different things and the depression isn't really lifting..it's not as bad as it has been in the past around this time...I miss noa..I'm ashamed of myself because I can't go home..I don't want to be around mommy but I miss noa and now and the boys and well yeah..but because so much is going on and I struggling to make things work..I won't be going anywhere..most likely will be working..I will get to spend time with Sarah though..when I'm off..And maybe on Christmas morning..if they would get the dang schedule out...
But I guess that is a fair update.. I have to work today and tomorrow but I will be ok..I have some running around to do today with getting the rent paid and sending mommy money and so on..trying not to stress ... I'm trying not to..
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