goodbye 2014

It is new years eve...only a few hours until 2015 and I'm at work frustrated and depressed..Ok maybe I just have a cheap load of stuff on my mind..I don't know..I'm just thinking and wanting so much and feeling trapped..this year has been a major major struggle...I've spent most of the year worried and stressed...homeless..jobless and at the end carless..borrowing money just to live..two bad living situations and I'm still in one...And I keep thinking that I have five months left in the lease..And I want to scream..I wish things could have been different..so very different...I've been suicidal..plotting death..And destruction..I've made so many mistakes..so many bad and poor choices...I've been hurt and I have hurt...there has been death of people close to me..death of family members..I'm been used and thrown away...judged and accused..struggling to get by..struggling to survive...And through it all ..I have survived..in the midst of all of it..I have survived..  have Sarah now who has stuck by me when I've had absolutely nothing..I currently have a job and a car...I'm trying to get by..I have taji and bounce.i have friends who have stood by me.And helped me.I have noa..I am alive..I should be happy..And I guess that bothers me..that I'm not happy..that I can't seem to be happy or stay happy..I try ..every year I try and still I spend so much time struggling and worrying and stressing..what am I doing wrong? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Why am I still searching for something I can  seem to grasp and keep hold of...what do I want out of life ..that is what I keep asking myself..And I don't have an answer...Yes I know that I am going to have to live with the consequences of my actions...like with the abuse charge and I  ashamed..completely but it has happened and I have to live with it..but the fear of having it makes me scared and unsure of myself..And I can't talk about it..because there is nothing to say or do...My future is so uncertain..And that scares me..but I was looking at one of my old blogs and I was really surprised to see how much I have grown up and changed...life has a way of continuing to happen..whether I want it to or not..And I have had to keep going..keep living...I know I have much farther to go...And maybe that is another part to my journey...to my story..things can't stay the same...it is not possible..so yes ..a very hard year is closing tonight..a new year starts at 12am...And it is what I make it..whatever that means...I just want things to work out..I want the fear to stop..I want to be able to be myself..I want to be accepted as I am..

Sidenote...My knee is killing me..ugh

But anyway..guess I'm running out of steam for writing..Just a lot on my mind..still..not fun

guessing game

Let's guess which side I am on more often..blah

just not a great day

I'm just struggling today it seems..I can't get it together and the lack of therapy has me feeling incredibly triggered and anxious...I need to just be near her a little bit in order to feel settled and safe..too many worries..to much thinking...I'm tired..so tired..

Very emotional and tearful...My head hurts..

"I used to think that the goal of healing was to eliminate the pain. Pain was an indication that something was wrong, but pain wasn’t the real problem. The real damage from my abuse came from the lies I believed about myself: “I’m disgusting,” “I’m not worthy of love,” “I deserve to be treated like trash.” Believing those lies is what caused the pain. Pain was only the symptom, so treating it never solved anything. When I recognized that pain was an indication of a wound, I started using it to help me locate the lies. Once I confronted the lies, accepted the truth and expressed my pain, I didn’t need the pain anymore and it left." The Rescued Soul by Christina Enevoldsen

reactive sort of day

So came to work in a bit of an off mood..but the resident that I am forever butting heads with got back earlier today..And my sudden lack of caring with her is very apparent ..to me anyway..I mean her behaviors the other night pissed me off so much..I was hurt ..And honestly I don't think she cares or is even trying...she has coping skills..journals, music, movies, coloring, paint, etc..two staff at her disposal..And she still made the choice to cut..And bandage her wound before calling her therapist...Maybe I am judging her actions..I don't want to but I think I am..I have to try and she doesn't and that's not fair..again she cuts and the concern isn't there but the attention is..And she still acts like a complete ass..ugh..but I came in today and she is up to her usual manipulation tricks and I refuse to cater to her..it makes me to upset..I am feeling angry and I'm afraid of losing control and so silence is my friend..I need to keep quiet before   I say or do something stupid...I need to get myself under control..And I'm annoyed that I can't...I wrote somewhere the other day that I can't take on her behaviors..they may be similar but they are still not mine to deal with... I have enough to deal with on my own..taking on hers is not helping me at all..And I am becoming more reactive..more upset..because I do know what it is like..I know how easy it is to cave an  How hard it is to fight...but her actions upset me so much..am I expecting that no one should cut if I can't?? If I am forced to behave myself then why is no one else held to the same standard?? Why am I the one that has to get better ..why do I have to stay in control and make the correct choices..why can I say no and she can't? That upsets me..a lot more than I care to admit...I can't see past the upset kid feelings..I really can't..I don't mean to get so confused with this..it just keeps happening..I keep trying to process and deal with it and I just end up more sad and upset..I give up..

sigh

I have to remember that her behavior is her behavior and not mine...I can't take over her stuff and mine...No...I am disappointed but it is her choice and her outcome...

frustration

I guess asking for a stress free few days was to much...there is escape from any of it..I'm tired of stressing out..I'm so tired of struggling..I'm upset I can't see Anita and just am feeling super overwhelmed..I'll go check myself into the hospital now...but it isn't that easy...I'm so tired..

Merry Christmas

Enjoying the day :)

I can smile today without fear....that is all I ask for 

Oh and I got hugs and clothes and a gift card

A little more relaxing and then it is time for work...

Nope..I'm not complaining

wishing on a star

Star light
Star bright
First star I see tonight
Wish I may
Wish I might
Have the wish 
I wish tonight
....


I'm fighting sleep hard tonight..I always have trouble sleeping on Christmas eve..I don't know why...right now there are too many demands..I'm so many things and nothing at all..I'm hot and hungry and tired..My eyes burn..im anxious and nervous and on edge...I'm worn out and can't figure out what to do with myself..it bothers me that it's raining...I half expect that I am waiting up for Santa..waiting to get a glimpse that the magic is real..that I can keep believing..My body is tired...very tired..

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas eve and I am at work which is ok...And.  really don't mind working..I'm actually pretty bored right now..I'm trying to deal with things where they are you know..I'm not going to solve all of my stressors tonight or tomorrow or even Friday..And so I need  to just take things as they are...I get paid on Friday and maybe I'll be able to pick up a couple things ..I want ..Nothing expensive..or maybe I'll just go and get my eyebrows done...I'm really sad that I can't afford to do anything for anyone for Christmas..I know I will be able to later on..but it makes me sad all the same..I hate it..I hate that I can't do anything for Sarah or for me..And that I'm seriously just in survival mode..I can't seem to get out of survival mode..this year is almost over and I'm so so glad..it's been a really hard year..And I know that it's nothing changing but just the fact that it is a new year makes me feel better...or makes me feel a bit more hopeful about things getting better..I don't know..Maybe it is all just in my head..I'm sleepy..but working..I'm going over to Sarah's after I get off and get to be with her for some of tomorrow..I'm looking forward to that..things at the apartment are making me really anxious...I don't know what t  do about it..part of me really just wants to say screw it and move back to a room...without the different bills..or someone that truly has zero respect for me...but rooming to a room is just something that I won't do again with the cats...Maybe that makes me a bad  person but I can't do that to them again..crap I would go back to a hotel..ugh...No I'm not going to think about that again..not tonight..or even tomorrow..I wish I was feeling more positive...I'm just not..worry and stress take it all away..there is no room for anything else...ugh..

floating in outer space

I'm trying to be okay..it's not working so well..Just a lot of sad..feelings that aren't completely mine..I  don't know..I can't write about this here...Umm anxiety is massive right now and I'm trying to keep myself together..super nervous about meeting Amber today..I don't know what is going to happen..but her turning into a dragon and eating me seems to be the reoccurring thought..I feel inadequate I guess...unsure of myself..My attention isn't on writing right now though..

upset and embarrassed

I'm feeling mad at myself..I accidentally ended up triggering myself with a conversation and its just left me feeling anxious and upset .. I can't figure out what to do...I want to hide myself away and not admit ever again just how messed up I am...I'm trying not to cry..

suicide

I have been avoiding in hopes that all of this would make sense..I'm so sad and hurt and confused..I know I talk about suicide a lot..And I know that I have made plans and I go to therapy and get help for the most part..but it is scary that someone I know commits suicide and I am more jealous..I feel awful about it and I can't help the feelings..I have wanted to die for so long and I haven't and even years ago with Sarah and her attempt..the feelings haven't changed..My reaction hasn't changed..I am more aware of how hard it is for the people left behind and that makes me feel even more awful..My nephew has a baby..what is the baby going to grow up knowing? What will they say when the questions come..How will they explain..?? There is nothing to say to make it better or make it understandable..it affects so many people and even writing this has me afraid that I won't be able to handle the thoughts..that I will still kill myself in the end..trying to escape a pain that I just can't explain..I want to hide..isolate ..think and try to make sense of something that may never have the answer I am looking for...I try to deal and I just feel so alone and unsure of things..I don't know how to work through what I am thinking..I keep trying to shut down..I keep trying to hide..I want to be brave and strong and manage but this is a big reminder that I am just broken..very very broken...

I'm trying really hard to hold it together but this is a really big trigger and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to make it through this without doing anything....and can't think enough to actually process what I am feeling and I am ashamed of what I am able to identify which isn't good because then I feel guilty and useless and all out of sorts trying to figure out what it is that's going on..for as much as I talk about suicide and I actually had just talked to and you know about this and whether or not I would be able to keep myself safe with fan over the next couple weeks..and I did have some small amount of control and then all of this happened with my nephew and now I am really really triggering and my thinking has gotten so bad very quickly likethinking that I deserve to die because I am jealous that my nephew committed suicide and I should be feeling sad and upset and I am but more than that there is is jealousy part of it and I can't handle that...I thought I had managed to deal with my whole feeling of inadequacy when it comes to suicide and whether or not I can actually go through with it I don't want to die I really don't but having someone else do something that I have thought about in plan and wanted also known for so many years its just really hard...and its just making me feel so crazy because I know that my thinking is irrational and should make sense and that there's just so much going on and I can't figure any of it out because I keep getting stuck with what I'm thinking about..I just don't know what to do I am at work and have been crying off and on all day and being a pest to Sarah and actually going over to her house when I get off of work tonight because I'm not sure about being alone..actually really afraid of being alone right this minute I am afraid of what my thinking is going to do or what place is going to get to because I haven't and I'm not sure if it can actually get any worse than what it is currently..I keep telling myself that I don't want to diebut now I'm stuck thinking about why it is that I'm still alive when things are just so hard and I get tired and just want to give up...I don't know what to do with myself right now I go back and forth between being scared and anxious and paranoid...and it's really hard because I can't sit there and just talk about the fact that this is triggered so much of my own stuff because I'm not supposed to have anything going on and I'm supposed to be fine and able to handle you know all of this type of stuff and instead I feel like I am completely breaking apart...I'm just really tired..I'm really sadand I'm really guilty...

Trying hard not to give up..really am...

depression takes over

I'm so sad...it's more than sad though..it's always more than just sad..but I don't seem to be able to hang on to any form of happiness..it keeps getting chased away..

I paid my part of the electric bill..so I hope

its friday

Well it is Friday..back to work and back to life...it  been a pretty calm almost 48 hours..I've been at Sarah's since therapy on Wed pretty much..And I am able to feel calmer and not so much on edge here..I hate that I can't get a handle on controlling my mood better..yesterday was up and down mood wise..I'm having some repeat issues/fears coming back up in regards to umm sex and stuff..which is making me sad and has me back on guard sort of...it is frustrating..but that aside last night was very interesting and I think I slept like i was practically dead..I even stayed in one place and didn't get fidgety ..I actually slept until 6am..I rarely do that these days...

Hmm seeing Anita was ok..I was calmer when I left at least..things where incredibly triggered on Wed..And I was overwhelmed by it all and wanted to shut down...but managed to talk to her about somethings..worked on a budget a little bit..And just trying to manage..I have to keep reminding myself that I do have money coming in at least..And so I can eventually catch up..it's just going to take some time..And I'll figure out of to manage..I hate feeling like I'm complaining..because I'm not..I can live on sandwiches and noodles..it isn't the first time..I need to make sure I have food and stuff for taji and bounce and gas..the check today is already divided into nothingness..I won't be able to avoid talking to mommy today..And I just couldn't deal with taking extra shifts at work this week..I'm tired..mentally I have been worn out and  upset and working more would not have helped..next week I'll see...but of course the schedule isn't out..it's Friday..ugh..but I just have to remind myself that somehow it will work out..

Anita did tell me that after next week I won't see her for a couple weeks..an  I know it is the holiday..but it makes me sad..I know I am struggling a bit ..Ok I'm just struggling right now with different things and the depression isn't really lifting..it's not as bad as it has been in the past around this time...I miss noa..I'm ashamed of myself because I can't go home..I don't want to be around mommy but I miss noa and now and the boys and well yeah..but because so much is going on and I  struggling to make things work..I won't be going anywhere..most likely will be working..I will get to spend time with Sarah though..when I'm off..And maybe on Christmas morning..if they would get the dang schedule out...

But I guess that is a fair update..    I have to work today and tomorrow but I will be ok..I have some running around to do today with getting the rent paid and sending mommy money and so on..trying not to stress ... I'm trying not to..

figuring things out...

I'm really not sure how I fell about what I've figured out..I've been trying since last night to wrap my head around it and I just can't seem to get past the upset feelings...I have been trying to figure out what the connection is for why I am getting so upset about my resident and other residents I've worked with in the past..And its that they are being handed the most support and care and they are throwing it away..And that makes me so upset..I struggle every single day and can't seem to manage so much stuff and I don't have 24 hour support..I have to do it all myself..with support from Courtney and Anita and Sarah..but my support circle is not much bigger..but I'm expected to deal and I  I can't then it is just my fault...that I have failed in someway..but  this resident and the kids at the residential place are being given the chance to work on and deal with there stuff in a safe place and they treat everyone there like dirt..they fight and get all kinds of stuff started..And they don't care..they have nothing left to lose and they just don't care...it's not fair..And even writing this has me feeling incredibly off ..And upset and not ok...if I stop caring there is the expectation that I will either be safe or not..I don't have 24 hour care and if any thing happens I would have to go to the hospital or die...I won't have someone coming to bail me out of trouble or get me out of the hospital..No I'm supposed to be an adult and deal with all of this and be ok and no one really wants to know if I'm struggling..outside of my small support circle..but I'm  alone with my thoughts more often than not..And if i can't handle something there is not five ppl willing to help me deal or keep me safe or whatever...No it's not fair at all..

I just cant

My thinking last night and the conversation has left me feeling exposed and on edge..I'm trying to think and keep getting so upset and frustrated with it all...today ..well last night the darkness has caught up with me and it won't let go...

increasing anger...

I'm currently at work ..And I'm listening to the resident get her stomach wound cleaned and packed and I feel so judgemental that I have no sympathy for her..none at all...I wish I could feel something besides anger and just pissed off feelings about her..I'm trying hard to understand why ..I really am...like I can understand the behavior ..I understand the feelings ..but I'm struggling to understand the very obvious attention seeking behaviors...that I can't handle and  it makes me so upset..the fight to find out if she has done something to herself..the fight to see it and get her help..the numerous trips to the hospital with her picking and choosing which hospital to go to..her saying that she wants the pain medicine and the stupid doctors who  keep giving them to her...where the he'll are these stupid people when I want meds that my doctors refuse to prescribe me..but she can manage to get them like they are candy..And then she has  everyone falling over backwards to make sure she is ok ..And she is using it to her advantage an  I can't even fault her for that..because that is what she has learned..to use her behaviors to get what she wants...but then she gets infections and refuses the antibiotics and puts everyone at risk in the house and doesn't care...And tells everyone what's she thinks but if anyone says anything  to he  then she goes and tells the ppl in charge..And they listen to her..

And i dont feel safe or protected..Maybe that is it..at the residential place the kids were protected before anyone else..there behaviors are sending counselors to the hospital left and right but there  are no consequences for them..And the same thing is happening now...given it  is not physical issue s now..but the outcome is the same..they believe the girl who is making trouble focusing  everyone before they believe the ones who  are with her everyday..We are wrong first..We weren't doing our job.or not watching or whatever the case may be and that puts me on edge..with this particular resident my fears are based around her having  to go to the hospital on my shift..And then I end up being questioned..And asked why I'm not doing my job..And that scares me..And that aggravates my own issues with feeling trapped and on edge and not believed...And I once again didn't know this was a part of it..ugh

I am such a loser..I  feeling like a loser..I'm depressed about the holidays and lots of things..I'm having trouble focusing and paying attention..I'm struggling to control my mood..I'm just not sure if today is a good day..I'm really not..

take me to church

tired and over thinking

I'm at work alone and I'm so worn out..it's different being the only staff on shift and trying to get everything done..I'm worn out today..And just ready to go home..I'm a bit annoyed at things with work but I need to let it go...I'm just annoyed so easily these days...it is a pain..

I guess I have been avoiding mommy..I'm sick of being reminded about bills and money and paying everyone back..I know I don't have money for anything..I do know that...And I don't want to be reminded about it..My mood is to volatile right now..I can't keep snapping and getting frustrated with her..it's going to get me in trouble..so I guess I'll call her tonight and see what she wants..

I need to go to get cat food or taji and bounce are going to kill me..I can't forget..

My sinuses are heading for trouble..I keep getting nose bleeds again..I hate up feeling awful..And breathing is becoming hard at times and that is worrisome..big time..it makes me panic an  I don't want to go to the ER..blah..Just gotta figure out what type of medicine I need..And get some..

I've decided I'm not going home for Christmas..I can't afford it and I Don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or whatever..but I know that mood wise or emotionally I'm going to keep going downhill..I don't know how to get through the holidays without freaking out...I'll manage of course..but it just something that is worrying and stressing me out...

I did end up getting to see Sarah today..kind of unplanned..but nice all the same..there are very good perks to getting to be with Sarah..it was hard leaving and having to come to work...because I was ready to fall asleep without having to worry for a little  while... her morning person wasn't able to come..so I ended up going to help out..And was going to fall asleep but got there and couldn't get to  sleep..go figure..

yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day at all..I really think I lost it for a while yesterday evening...My mind was racing..And I really wasn't safe...I was so angry and just couldn't let it go..I used every coping skill I could..I wrote pages in one of my journals..I made collages..listened to music..read..watched cartoons..stared at the ceiling..I really tried everything I could think of..And even when outside stuff grated on me because of how loud my head was..I just made things silent..And I  took hours to get back to a safe space..it really did..but eventually I got there.hmm

I'm better today..calmer ... still being eaten alive by the depression..but I'm alive..I came to work..I'm ok enough..

Last night tramaine and I had a talk..I told her I was upset that she threatened my cats..that she had used information I had told her against me..that I didn't appreciate her acting like a parent..she again told me that I have  been mean to her..she told me again that it's my fault she is failing her classes..that  I didn't need to rent a car because she would have taken me to work..I looked at he  like she had grown another head..she threatens me and my cats..tells me she is not going to take me to work or do anything for me..And then have the nerve to say that she would have taken me..Yeah..No.. I let her know that I wasn't comfortable or ok with taking anything from her..she seems to enjoy telling me that I need to do better or whatever..but you know..I'm done with all of it..getting mad at stuff dealing with her.. it's not worth it..I'm tired of it..I really am...she doesn't seem to be able to be pleased with anything I do ..so I'm done with it...I have enough other stuff to worry about without needing the extra stuff that does nothing for me..she tells me I'm so mean to her all the time and her example is that i let taji in the bathroom..so yeah..it is a waste of time ... And I'm going to work on letting it go..

Had  to go to court today..about the rent..I have paid on it but she hasn't..so it was pretty much a way to gain some time..We have 10 days pretty much..to get it paid...And we won't be evicted...so that is one less massive worry...sort of...

But that has been yesterday and bits of today..there is something I need to write about but I think I'm avoiding it..blah.

This week has gone by really fast..I can't believe..that tomorrow is Friday..good grief...so much has happened this week...

I think I need to see Courtney before I give Anita a heart attack worrying about me

just struggling today..therapy did not help..I'm just upset and angry and tired