nobody....

I HATE THIS STUPID BLOG


I HOPE IT DIES

nobody....

i have to stay awake till 12:01 to call henry to say happy birthday....hes getting my car till i finish getting my license...its fair i guess..im not using it anway

my wrist hurts but i put meds on them at least...maybe i wont pick at the bandaid even..i dont know..i dont think yvonne is going home this weekend...i wanted to be alone...but this is me and being alone would drive me a bit crazy..well right now anyway...this year cant suck anymore than it already does...what else is left to happen that hasnt already??? of one more thing happens for some reason i dont know about ill go jump off a bridge...ok i wont i guess, the water under the bridge is kinda gross anyway...im running out of reasons to keep myself in one piece...i have to keep reminding myself im going to see riley and harris and they wont know if my legs are sore and sit all over me....i have to remind myself that i have to stick around to make it home to see them....but im forgetting...i keep losing it

bad bad bad bad bad

today has turned into a bad day...


everyone leaves ... ill be forgotten... aaron will forget about me..im not starting all over..


i threw away all the food in the fridge...i wasnt eating it anyway and it was just taking up space...i think im just gonna go to bed...

sick maybe

i think im catching a cold or something...i dont know im just not feeling good right now..and its putting me in a bad mood really fast...being cranky puts me in a bad mood..being tired doesnt help and being stuck with ming today didnt help me any...its so annoying i cant finish registering...and im comtemplating if i want to do the extra paper...rigiht now im just really glad they only have to be a couple pages...my 8 am class is cancelled tomorrow so maybe i can sleep in a little bit...i dont know..i dont like doc days...i get way to nervous to the point of being sick and then it turns out to be not as bad as i always make it out to be...i think its been only once in the three years ive gone that i went without being sick! i still dont know how i managed that one....dont know if that will ever happen again either..oh well for me...oh my random thing for the day..i got a call from catrina will i was at work and it scared the heck out of me..i dont even know why i had my phone on and on me for that matter...i was expecting a call from yvonne and i thought it was her but it wasnt and i was a dork and answered the phone but it was my fault..i should have emailed her back and told her i was ok...but i was being mean and didnt do it....and so she called and managed to catch me at a time when i actually picked up the phone..weird...yvonnes going home this weekend too...we are going to paint a picture for the wall..she paints in oils and i do arylics and we are gonna do chinese symbols and it will be pretty cool i think...ill have to take a pic of it when we are done...hmmm maybe ill paint this weekend...maybe ill go get a small canvas from ube..or maybe not..i keep forgetting i have dumb bills to pay...so no extra money till i go home again..and then i need stuff for dusti and stuff for the house and maybe even food...ill figure something out...if i worry about it enough ill figure it out....oooh now i remember what has been getting on my nerves...ming chewed up my headphones..now i need new ones...i cant find a piece to my headphones and i need them for tomorrow..i need music to distract myself while im on the bus..i hardly ever go to an appt without them..and now i cant use them :( im not liking dogs much right now...im really not

just something

"to be nobody - but - myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting"-ee cummings


today is just a day..i went to sleep at like 9 last night and woke up at 6 this morning..and still im tired...no idea why..i shouoldnt be tired i got a lot of sleep..but its been a while since ive had that much in one night...i wanted to write last night but the blog thing wasnt working on my computer and so i jist went to bed and kinda fell asleep..i watched requiem for a dream yesterday and the movie just shocked the heck out of me...ive never been more afraid to do drugs than right this minute..diet pills included...i had never seen the movie and i hadnt ever been really interested in watching it but i wanted to see something i hadnt seen before yesterday and yvonne had a copy of it so i watched it...and at first it was really confusing and i had no idea what was going on but i figured it out and it was..hmmm left me speechless...it wasnt gross like blood and gore gross it was just creepy and weird and scary like what happens when ppl get completely addicted to something like drugs...the end was really sad too...so i will never never ever take anything like that...knowing that i do have diet pills somewhere in my room..the movie was a huge huge trigger but i dont know exactly why...maybe its as simple as the fa ct that i just wasnt expecting it...but that movie has been added to my list of movies i never want to see again! i watched it and maybe half way through it i figured out exactly what was going on but i finished watching it anyway and it wend from feeling horrible about what was happening to them to feeling nothing at all...the step past feeling is a weird one..but anyhoo im just umm kinda thinking a lot today...not about much of anything though...just a little bit of everything..but i didnt skip econ today!! kinda sad i can be proud of not skipping econ..and i didnt cut last night even though i seriously wanted too...and umm i started working on my paper..didnt get to far but i started it...i dont really feel like going to work today but i have too...dorky pay checks...but anyhoo...just kinda lost in my head today...

gggrrr

STUPID COMP

ERased what i wrote :(

nothing to say

im at work not working...i swear i need to stop doing that but geez work is so boring...im gonna work on homework today though...i have to get two papers done by thursday and my journals i can work on over the weekend although im not to interested in chapter 8....i just dont want to think about behaviors i have to work and changing and then write about it...not that it matters much becasue since she knows about the cutting i have at least one behavior i can work on! but i dont know about two more...and i go see arran on wed..yvonne is going home this weekend too so ill have the house to myself...maybe ill go rent movies or something...i dont know..so yeea i ate this morning..after i got out of class that is..i never really eat breakfast on mondays and weds because i leave way to early to bother with eating but i was hungry this morning about half way through class i started thinking about what i could eat lol...oh she actually called on me in class today..surprised the heck out of me but its not like i could just not answer...so she got my opinion on what ever it was we were talking about...im jumping topics again...hmm ok food again...we went out to dinner last night and i as usual got something i didnt like and didnt eat much of it and brought it home to let it sit in the fridge for a couple days till i throw it away....the pasta really was gross though and it came with chicken and it didnt say that in the menu and i was annoyed so i took the chicken off and yea..so dinner for me was chips and dip and like half or dessert..split a brownie thingy with yvonne and it really was so very good lol...so im guessing thats why i got hungry this morning and so i ate...and ill fix dinner tonight when i get home..i swear i will...i think lol...but anyway yvonnes mom asked if i was losing weight last night and i said no but the jeans i was wearing are kinda big on me...maybe thats why there my fav jeans..they have now been labeled my chastity jeans (very long story on that one) buts its mainly due to the fact that i have the snappy things on the inside of my knees on my jeans and yvonne asked if they could be snapped closed...which that cant but it comes up every time i wear them! ..so anyhoo it was fun last night ... things are always kinda fun with yvonne and her mom...minus always asking what im eating ... we go out to dinner a lot and its not often i get something i actually eat...even less so now that i stopped eating meat...and im pretty sure that wasnt the smartest thing ive ever done but im sticking to it at least..so i guess thats something...still kinda sucks my eating is always the topic of disscusion...makes me not like eating out at all...and it doesnt just happen with them two either...everyone i know has said something about what i eat or most likely what im not eating....well not counting my mom..since with her everything is what i shouldnt be eating...but anyway ive decided im going to start doing yoga...mind alinement or something...i did it once and it was kinda boring but oh well..i should do more quiet stuff anyway....

i was looking through some of my poems and things yesterday and a lot of them i had completely forgotten about...some a good, most just suck..but there still mine and its not like im gonna do something completely stupid and throw them away...i have a lot of quotes on different things saved too...collect those from lots of different places on line and various groups ive been in at different times. i love my quotes though, they just sum everything up at once...maybe ill start doing that adding a quote to everything i write...it would be interesting to say the least...and i better get back to work. will write more later or tomorrow.

~Quote~
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

way to early

i think ill end up taking a nap today...i got up at like 5 to do laundry and it always takes me forever to do laundry but i got it finished and im in the process of puttting it away but i stopped to make sure my comp was working....stupid computer, it kept freezing this morning and was major slow last night...im hoping it will at leastt stay in like half a piece till over the summer and then maybe i can get a new one...i dont know...but anyway i cleaned my room last night and soemthing is wrong with the vaccum and its really annoying...and i just have to finish cleaning up today and i dont know watch tv or something...maybe try to get started on one of my papers for history..or at least finish reading the book for the papers...ill start dinner at around 12 so it will be out of the way...but nothing to interesting today...

quiet day

today is a quiet day...slept in till about 10 and yvonne went home with her friend but she will be back tomorrow and she took ming with her...i like ming and all but the quietness when she isnt here is great..nothing is on right now..i was listening to music but i turned it off, the tv is off and im not even getting any msgs from messeenger so the annoying beeping sound is gone too..even dusti is being calm and sleeping in my closet....i cant remember the last time it was this quiet here...it makes me want to take a nap..i can hear myself think lol...i just finished doing my hair and it was in need of getting done..but i got that finished and done with...annoyed at myself for eating so much this past week...im going out to dinner monday with yvonne since my mom gave us money for easter dinner..and im not wasting money for a cab when we can take the bus on monday and monday is my least busy day anyway... so dinner on monday and ill have to find something to eat :S tomorrow is easter and i do feel a little guilty for not going home and for not going to church but it would a waste to go to church if im not gonna get anything out of it...but ill clean up the house anyway and make a nice dinner and chill out..i even got to watch some late saturday morning cartoons today..havent done that in a while...ive been missing my cartoons..im such a dork i keep playing in my hair...im gonna comb out a chunk of my hair if i keep it up lol...im going home to the festival in a couple weeks though..i promised harris i would come back for the festival and the circus...i always do the festival with them two but the circus started last year..ive learned im pretty good at putting stuff together because they have a home depot shop thing for kids down there and i always end up helping them put the toys together...we have done spaceships and planes and boats...maybe i should become a handy person, ill fix ppls stuff...nah to boring...but riley and harris think i can do just about anything...even when we color and i am being extremly articulate and my picture is looking so neat riley and harris always end up telling me how good it is...it doesnt bother me so much when they tell me..they arent comparing what im doing to someone else...but i always tell them they are good at stuff because they are kids and should like doing new things and they should grow up with good self esteem...so anyhoo ill be with them and thats always entertaining but it will be a heck of a long day! still im looking forward to it...

slacker!!!

hmmm i havvent been to keen on writing much of anything lately...my last big post still has me a little bit paranoid and everything...im still working on not deleting it...im having back trouble..well my upper back around my shoulders has really been hurting alot and it bothers me and i really want a massage but ive learned that i would be able to get one because if it doesnt tickle it just really hurts when i ask someone to give me a massage..so i dont know...im stressing about everything...papers and school and work and money and classes for next year and money for next year and me and nia and dusti and just everything....i have to clean my room tomorrow its starting to annoy me...i have to do laundry and homework...i have to clean up the kitchen and bathrooms...i really want to burn a new cd but i dont have kazaa anymore...i would have to delete everything on my comp to make room for it...but gosh i need a new one! to much going on and i know not dealing with it now will make it worse in the end but i cant deal with it now...i dont have time to..im to busy not dealing with past stuff...

hmmm i rarely write anything good in here ...i shouldnt be so down all the time..................yvonne got into musical theatre !! that was cool, im happy for her, she will be a good actor..

stupid

i suck and it hurts and im to tired to care

blah blah blah

not feeling good today...feeling way to much stress right now..stupid paper i waited till the last minute to do..again..i really should stop doing that. so went to bed early but dusti had lost her mind and wouldnt stop jumping on me...i wasnt the happiest person with her last night...ming is banned from my room again...im really glad i dont have a dog yet..i like dusti just fine...hmmm im not liking today much..hasnt even started yet and i would rather it be over and done with...

crazy (pt 1) god this turned out really long

its days like today that i have to wonder just how not there i am..figured that was nicer than just flat out calling myself crazy..even if i am...ok but anyway..i was a bad person and completely drifted in class today..i mean serious drifting...not my usual half listening drift...its weird to be completely gone but still sitting there and i wasnt not listening and im guessing i picked up on what was talked about in class but i dont know... my head is being dominated with thoughts...i took my blades out of my bag...i knew there was a reason i was cutting so much while i was on campus...i kept forgetting to mention i leave razors in my bookbag on different occasions and if i have them to use, ill use them..i dont have them...i want them...so annoyed i took them out last night...so im writing..and freaking out but writing all the same...i dont know what i want to write about..i could say i suck horribly at not multitasking...ive tried to do just one thing at a time and it leaves me feeling like im not doing anything...so i can point out i havent really managed to get my therapy homework done...ive thought about it, ive attempted it and i never last for long before i have to start on something else so ill think im doing something...doing one thing at a time is hard..i dont even do that in class..i was gonna say cant do that but i could i guess, if i really thought about it and didnt let my thoughts run away from me...

ok something to remember to tell arran **i dont control the s/i as much as i control the purging**

ok its taken me forever to write this..because im doing a bunch of things at once as usual...hmmm most of the time when i write i can focus on writing unless its something i dont want to write about...i can focus completely on painting too...i want to email my teacher but i have nothing to say to her...ok i really did have a purpose to this rant...uuummmmm heck i have to get back to work soon....

ok ugh oh i had a convo last night...one of the many i would rather not to have started with but end up talking through anyway...**cough i know your reading this so enjoy cas it wont happen offten!** talked about a couple different things last night...

i dont have a life story and even this is extremllly edited just general info...im a bit clueless as to life before i was in like 5th grade...i know odds and ends of things..like i know i moved in the 3rd grade..i know i set my hair on fire once, i know i got my hand stuck in the elevator once..that really hurt..i know from my mom that i could climb out of my crib and get out of the house...i know i had a twin sister, i know how she died and i know why and i cant say it takes away the guilt any...no one talks about her much..i have forgotten her...its random occurences that she does get brought up and even then its never for long...i dont know why if ppl dont know my name the first name that comes it is hers...ppl who have no idea i had a sister randomly call me her name...i know from my mom that i took care of my sister, cant say i did a great job hence shes dead now..i remember always wanting to groww up and have a baby...twins actually two little girls, one to name after my sister....but that isnt going to happen now...i cant/wont have kids...what kid would want to be stuck depending on me!....i know i took the train to school and i know my mom took in foster kids..i dont remember names or anything i just kinda know they were there...i remember being taken to childrens center..they had an indoor playroom thing..i remember being blamed for pushing my brother down the steps and i still swear i didnt do it....i know i went to a private school..i mean gross i had to wear a tie to school! how would torture a kid and make them wear a tie to school...i dont remember major things though...i dont remember the important stuff like birthday parties or school or things that happened at home..i dont remember how i got along with my brothers and sisters but im guessing it was ok..since we get along now...most of all of those things i remember from before the move....after the move to nc i cant say i remember to much of being younger...i know i took dance for forever as in i wasnt allowed to stop until i graduated from high school and never really liked it...every year i tried to get out of taking it the more my mom made me go...i went to three different elmentary schools in 2 and a half years...i went to middle school and high school of course...i did pageants for a while again mom provoked for that one...i was just glad i never won...school was a joke literally...in fifth grade i was 2nd in the school for reading the most books and having the second highest AR score...i hated going to school but then it was the only way to not be home...grades were alright...changed schools again in the tenth grade...graduated from laney and ended up in college...completely screwed myself over with grades but its getting better now...i wont graduate on time but ill graduate eventually...ive travled a lot of different places...love to hate those family vacations...not even summer school can save me from those...

i cant say i wasnt taken care of as a child...god i have more clothes than i know what to do with...i got all the material junk every child begs to have...we had toys enough for everyone...but i dont remember being hugged and stuff like that...so i like to remind myself i dont need it...but then everything happens at once and just want to go to mommy...now the problem with that is i dont have a mommy...well i do but its not like a real one..i cant explain it but my mommy is just the person who pays the bills...not like a love relationship kinda thing...and so me wanting a hug means things have gotten completely out of hand..and since i loathe being touched anyway..its rarely that things like that happen....of course there are a few exceptions...riley and harris, and the three j's dont count with the no touching rule...nia is majorly a touch person and i just deal with that...henry is kinda random but hes a contact person too....mommy became a touch person when she found out i was cutting...she makes me do the i love you bit...on a reg basis but i can say it know without hating it...i dont believe it but i can say it...keeps me out of trouble...i fear ill never be able to do the relationship thing...maybe its not a fear, its a fact...trust is to huge a deal to work with the whole i love you, do you love me thing...and with relationships comes a whole bunch of stuff i have no intention of ever doing again...

ok back on track but i think ive forgotten where im at... oh convo still from last night

am i slowly killing myself?? prolly...but i hold my secrets very close...there like gguarded at all times...i never wanted any of this junk to be found out...when it started im not really sure but once i left home halfway..things werent the same anymore...i ended up in therapy...i cant believe i got taken there...but anyway cant change it now and i did really like my first doc too..cant say i made her job any easier but i liked her all the same...my doc now is well uh persistant lol..good grief shes learned me well...a lot has changed in the oh almost 3 years ive seen her... its been an interesting relationship and i do like her and not being able to see her would be really creepy but i cant think about that now because i cant do anything to change it so im just hoping it wont happen...weird having someone so intent on seeing that i get better..what ever better may be...but im still resisting parts of it...ive learned enough about cutting to know that i wouldnt do it over just anything and im not letting her or anyone else find out the real reasons...if i did that then no i wouldnt have control anymore...small fear that if i started talking i wouldnt be able to stop and everything would come out...i know i dont like that idea..i dont do vunerable well...i have to keep my fantasy world in place...i wont have anything to protect me if i start letting it fall down...i would really be stuck then....its bad enough it feels like there are huge holes developing in my walls and they have been for some time heck about 5 years in fact...i dont know how to stop them from getting bigger without never talking again in my life but i know that with the job i picked i cant keep my whats in my head there..at least not in the way i have it now...i cant just let everything come out at once...but i cant stop what im doing now if idont...so where does that leave me? its just a feeling... i have to protect what i know until it kills me and there have been times when its been awfully close to doing just that...following invisible rules, i cant talk, ill die if i talk, ill be hated, i dont know...it just feels like its something i have to do, something im supposed to do...i can talk but its like running into a brick wall on certain subjects...i got way to good at getting what i thought and felt to myself and now im supposed to talk about it and ive had easier times getting a shot from a doctor...

everything i do, everything ive ever done has been controlled either directly on indirectly by my mom...it didnt matter if i wanted to do it or not...everything is either right or wrong and im the judge but the rules arent mine..they never were and i dont know when they will be...i dont know how to make them mine..to scared of changing...way to scared of having a say in it...but i have to change dont i? i dont know how to be an adult ... not a real adult anyway...theres still to much stuff i dont understand..it keeps me from growing up....or finishing growing up...

right now my goal is to just stay alive...and im not looking to far into the future because i cant do that...ok maybe ill just work on staying non shuut down..that was way to creepy to let happen again..true this has been a sucky start off to this year..and saying nothing else bad could happen would be extremlly stupid...and there are a few things im doing that i need to stop before it gets out of hand..but im not getting into that today...after writing all of this the urge to cut has quieted down..not completely gone but not pressing either...im just tired right now...but i have things to do..i cant afford to be tired persay... but im ok...for now at least

and ill be waiting for the soapbox when ever i sign back on today!

food issues

the dinner turned out alright...not a lot of ppl showed up but it was ok.. im feeling way to much stuff right now...i dont know why i want to cry but i do and that just sucks ... with classes tomorrow i cant waste time crying over nothing...i feel sick again...i cant figure out the eating thing yet...right now eating does make me feel like im gonna be sick...so i dont know...i was explaining what i like to eat last night and it was weird...trying to list what i do like turns into what i dont like and i dont like a lot of stuff..but i dont like being c alled a picky eater..i dont like a lot of stuff and i know that so i just try to stay awake from the stuff i dont like...but then i was a dork and decided to go vegetarian again...and im not a real vegetarian because i still eat eggs and cheese and drink milk, not that im a huge milk drinker anyway...but if i stop eating milk and eggs and cheese..that takes out a heck of a lot of food i eat on a half way reg basis...i can give reasons for not eating them anymore but i would have to find something to eat at least when i was at home...im not like gonna push animal rights on everyone i talk to because im still working out why ive stopped eating meat in the first place..well except henry cas its funny telling him why he shouldnt eat stuff.. but not with anyone else..i have an ultimate goal in my head that im not sure ill get to ever....its like one of those die trying goals and im not good at those...i might actually die....my list of things to eat is just steadly getting shorter...weird though if i was trying to..nevermind..ok so ill figure out the eating thing eventually...next week though..this week is gonna be a sucky week for eating anyway....i think ill end up finding those pills again..pills are bad i know and i know i shouldnt take them because they have weird effects but god why did they really have to take ephedra off the market! it worked so well! so ill be really really careful and not take more than what to bottle says...and on a sidenote...never ever ever take like 3000mg of tylenol geez i felt so sick the next morning....i was starting to worry i wouldnt wake up but then i did and i felt horrible...so yea no doing that again...my hand is so sore from where dusti scratched me...its deeper than one of her normal scratches ... it reminds me of how my hand feels when im dumb enough to cut my palm...and i havent done that in a long time...im tired and c ranky and wanting to cut but im not sure of the reason...

bathtime for dusti and a few odd things

so today i gave dusti a bath..well tonight i gave dusti a bath ... and good grief ive never seen her more scared of me than when i wouldnt let her out of the tub...kinda made me think of trapped and i did hate having to keep a hold on her but it either hold her and wash her as wuick as i could or get completely scratched up...she still give me a bad scratch on my hand and a few on my neck from where she was trying to get in my shirt...but all in all it was quick and theres no lasting damages lol...but i wont be doing this again anytime soon...i think dusti is still a bit mad at me so ill let her dry out completely before i go and pick her up again...or see her in the morning at least....so thats over... hmmm on to my day

well ive dont pretty much nothing today..played video games, watched movies, painted, cleaned the hallway...ate cookies...still trying not to be sick...dont know why my stomach is in such a bad mood today.....just not feeling good right now...maybe im tired...i was up really late last nigiht and then harris called and woke me up this morning...so ill be going to bed soon i think...i will wake up early and get my room in order...and then do the bathrooms and living rooms..maybe cram in some laundry..and then start cooking...hmmm will most likely wake up around 7 i think....ill have to dust and everything tomorrow...busy day...i hate parties...trying not to get to stressed out about it..

yvonne is bringing back a friend to stay for the week...i dont mind or anything but i dont know...after a few days i was sick of henry being here...not that im gonna be rude or anything but i think ill end up just hanging out on campus as long as possilbe..god what am i gonna wear tomorrow :S essh jeans and a shirt, jeans and a blouse, jeans and a sweater...god i dont know....i hate having to pick out clothes to wear for like special occasions.. oh wait dusti just had a cute moment :) so where was i...i forget..its not important...tomorrow is just gonna be a heck of a day...

too many thoughts

i really need to stop setting my clock like 20 mins ahead...it screws me up when i really want to know what time it is and i forget im not going on the right one...so yea its really early in the morning and im still awake...feeling slightly sick..ok a lot sick sucks im gonna throw away over half a pizza but oh well..ill get over it...i dont mean to waste so much food but i cant help if i dont like it anymore...the thought of pizza makes me want to barf and i cant so ill just throw it away...just spent a few hours watching movies and i really like the incredibles and im glad i bought it...then i watched excerpts from some of my other favorite movies...given they are mostly the sad parts in the movies but i still like them best...it didnt really ruin my mood because i do this every so often when im bored and by myself...watch the weird parts of movies that only i can like..but it was entertaining...so anyway i did that and now im here because it was getting to late and i really should go to bed...but i dont want to go to bed...keep thinking ill start having bad dreams again...heck my dreams freak me out at least the ones i remember really do scare me...and i dont want to deal with that again...those few days led me to drinking coffee to stay awake all night..not that it worked and not that i could ever finish a whole coffee ick...i should write about my sister but i dont know what to say...im worried she will die, im scared she will die...i dont want another sister to die, i dont want it to be my fault...so much is already my fault...what will happen if the doctors cant help..they didnt last time...she isnt supposed to die and she will and then what will happen? i will forget her just like i did with nicole, i wont remember anything...im a bad sister...im not suicidal though...its crossing my mind but i dont want to die, not right now, not today...i want to cry but i know i cant...i can push the tears away but they keep coming back...maybe that was my motivation for watching movies tonight...i needed a nonpersonal reason to cry..not that i got any farther than teary eyes...god my back really hurts right now...i really want a massage...hmmm a fully clothed massage of course...if anything happens to mommy...nia, henry, even wayne would become my responsiblitly...what am i gonna do with them? i cant take care of my self on a regular basis much less have to take care of my brothers and sisters...i dont want that responsibility but i know it will fall on me...even know when we talk about who will have to take care of mommy when shes old and its always me...i might not like my mom, but i just dont think i would be able to agree with a nursing home...those are not good places to be...so it will be me...why did i have to be the responsible one...im not responisble im not good or perfect....i barely put up with myself on a regular basis but ill be trusted with taking care of everything...i cant even figure out what im gonna do when i graduate...im not sure im gonna graduate...i cant even see past this year, what will happen if i do manage to make it through this year....given so much has happened i cant i cant think straight half the time...my thoughts go all over the place...and then i end up cutting or burning...i havent been drunk in quite a while and im really starting to want that feeling too....i havent purged because i would give that up in a heartbeat if i could but its hard not to do it when its so easy....i cant do it because then of course i will remember how easy it is and get stuck doing it all the time or as much as i eat anyway...i do eat....ok im eating again...more on a regular basis and real food too...im not going home for easter...i told mommy that today..she was mad at me about it and i know ill have to hear about it from now to then because i told her i was doing something with catrina and i should have remembered that it was easter and so she expects im going to church and if im going to church ill need a new outfit and if i need a new outfit then she has to pick it out....most likely something i dont want to wear and wont wear until she remembers i have it stuck im closet somewhere and demand i take it out and wear it for some stupid reason...it is a disappointment that ive gone back to cutting so much...why does it have to be so hard to give up something i really dont like.... i hate that mommy has taken away my favorite place to cut....its not the same doing it on my legs but im to afraid of being caught to go back to anyplace other than my wrist or the inside of my elbow works but only for as long as its cold...and then its back to short sleeves and if im caught again mommy will put me in the hospital...not that it matters that i can check my self out or that they caant keep me if i not dangering myself and if im not dead then im not dangering myself...as many times as ive cut my wrist i prolly should be dead...i would rather stick to my wrist and not get caught but thats not really true either because mommy say my wrist once but the cuts had healed enough that they werent noticable so much but she said it was arash from my watch and i agreed ... id rather not push my luck and if she thinks my watch is giving me a rash, she will tell me not to wear and then where in the heck would i be....i can get away with the bands at school but at home i wouldnt be able to wear them to hide what ive done to my wrist...and then lastresort goes back to my legs and ankles again...but still arms are the best and the worst....i know exactly what ive done..i have to look at them everyday...its not like they are going anywhere any time soon...what ive done isnt the part that bothers me the most...its the hiding that bothers me... god i feel so horrible not being able to tell yvonne... but i cant trust her reaction ... i cant tell her and im not sure i ever will... i would rather no one knew but still sometimes it manages to get out and im a dork and just shut up when someone has to ask about the scars..blaming it on that car accident that never happened works but its still lying... im so going to hell ... i dont know .. maybe im crazy im a very rational crazy person but i guess crazy all the same...but when i write about it on the boards its like neve agree when someone calls themselves crazy because its demeaning in a huge way...and the point of the boards is not to make anyone feel bad about it... then that just makes me a hypocrite to among other things...so many things im still afraid to deal with ot admit...its like im sitting there just waiting to be struck my lighting because im being a traitor and telling secrets...but i havent really told anything if no one knows the whole story...not even janet can get everything but i still feel majorly guilty for talking..talking scares me....but i can write for hours about what is in my head....i can rationalize just about anything good or bad...but rationilizing doesnt make it right...i dont want to cut but it feels like i have too...and i have to make sure it stays hidden but what will happen when i cant hide it anymore... and mommy isnt there to make up excuses for me anymore...sure i was doing fine without her help but im not smart enough to think up my own excuses anymore so she does it for me... harris has sseen my scars and dee has never once asked how i got them on my arm....she just makes me more paranoid than i already am about the whole thing...i mean i wear my jacket as much as i can get away with...with all the stuff that is happening to nia i cant be like this...i have to be ok, i have to make myself believe im ok because if i dont then i dont know what will happen..i havent forgotten how to do it, watch myself put boundaries back in place...to many ppl are picking away at my head..kinda sucks when i start talking....but they cant go back up if i want to stop...they cant go back up if im expecting to be helped...but i cant them fall either... i wouldnt be in control anymore if that happened...i wouldnt be able to hide behind them anymore...and im a little to good at hiding...maybe thats why ive forgotten how to identify emotions...forgotten how or just dont know them i dont know...maybe i cant be helped...maybe i should die ...but you go to hell for killing yourself.. but then who knows maybe hell would be a nice place to go..it will give me a break from dealing with stuff..heaven might make me barf...i can only handle so much niceness in one day... like i said so much is going on and i cant make it stop...well i can but its not good... :( and that just leaves me where i am now...


why cant this be any easier?

trying to be nice

trying really hard to be nice to myself...so tonight is going to be pizza and movie night! i got the incredibles today and im guessing im ordering in since its just me here for the weekend..dont know what ill do to keep myself busy but homework and cleaning up come to mind...yvonnes having a dinner party sunday and im making italian potatos and deviled eggs for it..so ill be a bit busy sunday afternoon...im guessing i needed the alone time but the timing is a bit off :S .... me and being alone hasnt been working out great lately but ill be ok...i talked with janet this morning and im doing alright for right now....trying not to stress out again..maybe ill paint tomorrow since ill have the time and space.. ill figure it out tomorrow. so off to order pizza before i change my mind

sleep and pain

yvonne wants me to come watch a movie with her....im not doing anything else so i will but i wanted to write here first so i would have time to get a grip before i go back downstairs...im calm enough for the time being...what it took to get there just hurts like hell..but i can focus again..i know ill fall asleep on the couch..i already to meds to help with that one..but i always fall asleep on the couch so its nothing special about tonight...i might ha ve taken to many so ill be really careful but im pretty sure ill be waking up fine in the morning..i prolly needed the extra sleep anyway..nothing much to write about tonight...just tired and sore...sucks for me the urge isnt gone but i really will work to make sure i dont cut again...thats gonna have to be an hour by hour thing cas looking to far into the future doesnt leave much hope for now.....

empty

this year has gotten off to a really bad start...im running out of things that could possibly happen...just lots of thinking...to many worries...doing one thing at a time drives me crazy faster than normal...i knew there was a reason i always have five things going at once..to much time left to think if i only do one thing. i have a headache...i hate headaches because then looking at the computer screen agrivates me...small problem i cant feel the cuts..couldnt feel them when i was doing them..the problem being the ability to gauge when to stop isnt there...constant battle to not start cutting again because my head is going in to many different directions to be able to focus enough to make myself stop. all the normal feelings arent there..usual feelings so i know what i did hurt...it doesnt hurt..knowing they are there doesnt make them hurt...not even trying to focus on them makes them hurt...its past my usual ability to ignore them...its like there not there anymore..i never made them..just an excuse to do it again. but they are there i checked...i saw them...glaring judgement as to how screwed i am...i prefer the dead disconnected feeling to this...i really do

thoughts and moods and turned into a spill on cutting

hmmm im tired still..just woke up and im ready to go back to bed...i figiured out my theory paper is due the wed after spring break so i do have some work to do since its like a 8 page paper that i havent even considered doing yet but i need the deadline to be afwully close for me to even get serious about doing it...im really bad with procrastinating....i hate being rushed but i have to be rushed to get it done....so i will set 2 hours a day for now to do research and start writing it so i wont have to rush so much when next week comes...after wed i have another paper to work on anyway and then i have 2 more to work on :S essh...

but anyway thats that why i got to be in such a bad mood, true its not helping it any but its not the main reason...yesterday i did nothing literally and i was in an ok mood no major upsets, i forgot to do the fin aid stuff but thats done now im just waiting for the number to come back so i can sign it...but i watched 7th heaven last night and it was one id seen before but it was the one on cutting..it wasnt new information but its always creepy listening to someone else explain it with a textbook definition..its like a group of doctors somewhere sat down and made up some definiton that everyone has to live by..no going off course trying to explain why someone does it..if it doesnt fit the definition then they cant be helped...what would my definition be anyway...its when a person needs something they can deal with on a physical level to get things out of there head. its something to focus on to stop random thoughts and pictures from going on and on and on. it takes everyone, not mattering really what it is and just lets you get it out for a little while without saying having to say anything. stupid definition but thats all i got..but then that would bring up why i do it...why do i do it, good question, for a few reasons...because i found a way to get back at myself for being such a screwup that hurts a hell of a lot more than anything mommy can ever say or do to me...it used to be mine before she found out about it .. now its not really mine anymore...because its a way for me to lie to myself quite easily...when things are seriously stressful and im way back into thinking up 101 ways to die, its like the first cut i make when i cut is just this huge rush of relief and calmness and i think everything will ok...given if i had to resort to cutting how ok can things really be? but the logical part of it doesnt matter...it works and it helps, lie or not...it doenst last long but sometimes any calmness is better than nothing....what other reasons....because i deserve it too..well the hurting part of it i deserve...im a bad person(some ppl would disagree and i do acknowledge that sometimes because i cant get around it) but any way yep im a bad person...why im a bad person i dont really know...what happened when i was a kid really was my fault and i dont know how i managed to get into some of them..but i did and didnt find a way out of them either....small insight on one of them..i was the older one between the two of us...i should have stopped what was going on but i didnt know what was going on...i mean geez i was like halfway through highschool before i really knew what sex was ...which makes the whole thing pretty interesting because for almost 3 years...mommy swore up and down i was pregnant, i was in middle school...i never went out, i hardly talked to anyone but it turns out she was positive i was a slut...given i wasnt having a baby then, im not planning on having a baby now...besides the major ouch factor in that one...i dont want to be a sucky mom....jumping topics again...i didnt even remember it happened until a couple years ago and even then it just came out of nowhere..random night and all of a sudden it was like what happened the day i was at my cousins house? i can take it to a certain point and then it just goes blank...i dont remember and i should remember and i cant, how far did she get before i had to leave i dont know....i do know i hate playing house, it gets way to indepth at times...ok off track why else ... ok to much .. head is going into over drive...jumping subjects way to fast...

dusti is being a pain right now
i should go eat
i want to go back to bed
i want to burn not cut...henry saw one of my burns
mmm i could drink
that would be fun and its a great way to forget everything
no drinking though, it would suck to become an alkie and mm i dont need anything else to work on..so no to that one
cant burn
cant cut
cant do anything
cant throw up either, said i stopped that...thats one thing i plan on sticking to..maybe i wont eat yet...ill go play a game..or chat..im supposed to talk when i feel like cutting, i cant believe i said i would do that...sometimes talking makes it worse but it makes me tired enough not to do it...writing is the same as talking except no one can interrupt...one sided chats are great...no it takes a heck of a lot of skill to lose and argument against yourself... one of my many skills and then i argue about stupid stuff...but if i cut or not is always a good arguement...given if im taking the time to argue over it i usually end up doing it...ok ill go see if anyones awake in the room before i write myself into a coma

nothing day

its 1 in the afternoon and i havent done anything today exccept play video games and hang out online...i feel like i should be doing something..anything but i dont really feel like it..i want to take a nap and i think i will in a little while..i think ill paint later today...its been a while since ive done that...i miss it.my last picture which i actually showed my doc and janet surprised me...i didnt want to show it to them at all but i think i needed to...me and deep pictures seem to be stuck together..but then i suck at painting so i dont really show them to anyone..just for my personal keeps i guess...maybe when janet comes to visit i will show her some of them...i should show more to my doc but she likes to make me explain them...but i really do miss art therapy..that was a lot of fun..hmmm i wonder if ill ever get to do that again....i do want to learn to draw ppl though..but i cant right now...wonder if i can take a class someday...guess ill be going home this weeked to work because i want to order some more paint and brushes..and i want some canvas's...ive never painted on those before but i think it would be cool to give it a try...just a small one though..i havent mastered drawing or painting on big areas...the only thing i ever learned from my soci class...and it still intruges me...im glad that when i see riley draw he takes up the whole page...his world doesnt control him..he controls his world...but with me..i have to really think about it to take up a whole piece of paper drawing...give me a corner and ill cram everything in...my world controls me more than i control it..

wow..maybe not

the past couple days have been insteresting i guess...my mom actually met yvonnes mom and we all went out to dinner...it was fun i guess...because nia and henry and eric were there too...but i dont think ill be doing it again anytime soon...everyone talked about me picking at my food but i cant help if i didnt like it any...the cheese was gross and they were right im not gonna eat it...but still it was my food...

yvonnes mom and grandmom made us both easter baskets :) and she hid them from us and we had to go find them and it was a lot of fun..i got candy and another care bear and a tshirt and some other stuff..i mean it has been for ever since ive gotten an easter basket much less had one hidden from me...i got something for v day from them too and then other odd and ends when her mom is here..its so different from the ways things are done with my mom..i dont know..funny though yvonnes grandmother thinks im the quietest and nicest person..but yvonne and her mom know different lol...but now im babysitting and supposed to be cleaning up but im taking a break..its dull cleaning up someone elses house...but as long as i make it look like ive been doing something its ok and riley just went outside so i have a little free time anyway and i need to take a shower and such real fast...but now i learn that dee is trying to plan a trip to disney world around my schedule so that i will be able to go! i mean yes i would love to go and it would be a lot of fun going there with riley and harris because they have never been and im getting a free trip and ill be geetting paid to hang out in the parks with them all day...like i would say no to that! true i would have to save up a bit so i would have spending money but im so hoping dee manages to get it planned out...she said it would be in like sept/oct and i was trying to think of a time when i had free days and im thinking fall break for me and the way my classes are looking for next year ill be able to leave on like thursday night to come home! but i think it would be fun and i wouldnt be stuck with my mom going and telling me what to do...

its odd...when i meet yvonnes friends and they all tell me she talks about me all the time and how great and wonderful i am and how im such a good roommate...its one thing if she tells me but its something else if her friends are telling me about it...i just dont get how ppl can like me so much when im so horrible :S i dont know

unstable

serious mood drop tonight....i dont know why...today hasnt been a great day but it hasnt been a bad one either...yes my grades are sucking in a couple classes but i can work on those..theres still time...but im thinking about how much of a screw up i am...i cant do anything right...god i want to burn...but theres no such thing as a small burn...going home...damnit i havent lost enough weight yet..i should have exercised more...im gonna get in trouble again....geez im not good enough yet..not that i will ever be good idea but i can keep working at it...i want to cry..but i wont...i dont cry...babies cry...im to old to cry and i have nothing to cry over...i want something just dont know what...i dont know anything tonight..feeling to much...need to do something..need to keep moving before i completely go off on some thought....end up somewhere i dont want to be again...random thoughts and wants and dead ends and brick walls...like a mouse in one of those stupid little mazes just theres no way out...i keep thinking my mom will get me home and wont let me leave again...i dont want to stay there for my break...i would rather not...its too much and then i end up at dees house everyday and i dont want that either...theres only so much i can handle of riley and harris and a weekend is plenty...and if im stuck there ...then theres nothing i can do about it..101 ways to die...and i dont want dusti stuck hiding in my room for a full week..thats not fair to her either...i want susan back...damn her for what she did ..i miss her...i should have figured out this was coming the other day when i started seriously going off..but i didnt catch on and now now everything is just going increasingly fast...so many scars .. i should hate what ive done..i really should and right now im more ashamed than hateful..more guilty...but im making it so no one will ever touch me in a way...there are a few exceptions to that one thouhg....the kids i watch dont count...harris has seen a lot of my scars....when im with taly and jeff and them the rules arent the same and god when ive been drinking i dont give a hell..but i know enough to makme sure taly knows where im at all the time..drunk so i dont go home with someone i dont know..maybe i should go home with someone .. questions questions and more questions...dreams and reality and fake and real and nothing..empty space..breathe..i want the lie..i want what i know will come if i cut..but i dont want it, i cant want it..its wrong and im bad and stupid for wanting it so bad and im playing with dying..im going get in trouble...im so in so much trouble.

odd

im feeling a bit dead right now...maybe more like dulled out.. im tired but i slept last night decently...maybe im just stressing out more than usual again...im glad my meeting for tonight got cancelled im not sure i would have lasted that long..i have to go home and clean up..i cant find the floor to my room anymore...darn ming for using my bed as a tree...my blanket has just been sitting on my floor for the past week...and now i have pulled everything out of my closet because nothing looks right and i cant decide on what to wear even though i could care less as to how i looked...some days i care most days i dont...its not like anyone is wasting there time looking at me..and yet i swear everyone looks at me...judging..gotta be a pain being me sometimes..

but i was reading the school newspaper today you know before i went and failed my test?! maybe that is part of the bad mood right now...but anyway back to what i was saying...reading newspaper and saw that there is a group on my campus called NAMI (national alliance for the mentally ill, ecu chapter of course) but i never knew it was here...but it got my attention to say the least...i emailed the president to see if they could tell me more about it...i dont know if ill join or anything but i may go sit in on a meeting at least..and since there only once a month it wouldnt be a huge commitment...and i could say i was doing it for my career if anyone was dumb enough to ask why i was in it...given that could be part of the truth but cant say its anyones business about the whole truth if they arent a select few :p...so anyway ill see what they say when they email me back...who knows maybe it will be a good thing joining or at least going a few times and see how its run and everything...

been spending a heck of a lot of time on neopets lately..not doing anything but playing games and wasting time...obsessing over finding avis..but im up to 103 now!! very cool deal..took forever to get that many but im still way behind..right now im just saving up money on my main acct..considering i have 4 of them lol...but none of the others are really active...just mainly holding cool pets i found at different times in the pound...wishing they were on my main acct of course lol but oh well...

yesterday sucked food wise and i ate way to much of those stupid lil cinnamon stick things that was at the dinner...darnit i love those ... ate some this morning too but now there all gone and no more...hmmm that wasnt good though...to much sweet stuff...i should go eat a apple or something..i want some ice...and then ill go home friday and listen to why i need to lose weight and blah blah blah as if becoming veggie wasnt enough...back to my usual junk on monday though..as soon as i figure out what that is!

class and such

class today was interesting...i started zoning out after we watched the video and just kinda went from there...but then the teacher closed the blinds so i couldnt look out the window..convo was about something but what caught my attention was when she said that patients sometimes dont tell the truth because it would mean that if they tell the truth to the doctor they have to tell the truth to themselves...main reason it caught my attention was because i do that..well not lie persay but i leave a heck of a lot of stuff out and my wonderful explaintions are just horrible most of the time...it makes me think im trying to tell a story without knowing the whole darn thing...duh thats what we were talking about..client/doctor confidentialty...thats the other reason i zoned out...i hate the rules for breaking confidence...that and it really sucks you can be arrested for trying to kill yourself...but anyway back to what i was rambling about .... ok i dont lie when i half talk but i guess it counts as that since im not telling everything... why dont i talk? hmmm .. im asking the wrong question...why do want to be seen as a good person? thats just backwards because i work to hard at trying to prove im a bad person...not that its believable just yet .. but thats the wrong question too...hmmm so what has happened that has screwed me over so bad? thats just a stupid question but then i know the answer to that one...and since its an answer i really dont like, i just talk around it...why i do what i do? that ones just confusing...is it really about control cas i dont know? gggrrrrr...im forgetting what im trying to talk about...will think on it some more *sigh*

nothing interesting

last night turned out to be pretty fun...i just had a little bit of wine and some rice that i picked at because rice isnt a fav of mine..and cake..mmm everyone loved the cake i made...i thought it was ok...but everyone ate it and said it was great and i thought they needed to have their heads checked lol...but i had missed hanging out with them so it was nice..and henry had a decent time and the couch broke while we where sitting on it but it wasnt our fault because it was already broke but still ok to sit on (confusing i know)..so anyway it turned out cool and jeff was surprised :).

you know i had planned on eating this morning but was feeling to sick so i didnt and then i said i would get lunch but im working and not really hungry anyway...im guessing ill get a drink or maybe a smoothie...hmm most likely just a soda..diet of course..and make something when i go home...i dont know what ill be bable to eat at the dinner tonight..prolly just rice again...maybe a cheese enchillda thingy maybe...but yea all of its just to many cals...funny i havent really planned on counting cals again...well i had but i hadnt started again...and its easier i guess now because i cant eat much well i can but i odnt want to and i dont know why...except for the vegetarian thing i should be eating fine but theres just not to much i want to eat..and most of what i do eat is junk food...i had forgotten french fries were my fav food when i stopped eating meat..there so convient! but there not healthy and i have to eat healthy or at least pretend to eat healthy..and i have to be careful because purging is coming back to mind and i just cant start that again...given its only prolly been maybe a month since i last did it...but i told my doc i was recovered and she said she would write it in my chart and im guessing if she can make changes to it that fast, me mentioning i started again wouldnt be a good idea...so im working really really hard not to binge to big...but even with eating regualr stuff first thing in my head is 'ok you know if you eat that you can so just go throw up'...damn purging for being so easy...but i hate that one more than the stupid cutting...out of the three purging is the worst and burning comes after that one and then cutting...i really would give up both of them to keep the cutting but i cant do that either...wouldnt be cool....sucks when im really making no effort not to eat i can go for a good while without eating...cant help but hate what im doing but for now its not doing any damage or anything...the only downside being when i 'forget' to eat i dont drink...i can drink off of a 20oz all day and not care....but it doesnt take me long either to get dehydrated...essh i remember what happened the last time i had to ggo have bloodwork done and they couldnt do it...it took 2 days about 2 hours each time and still not enough blood for the lil tube things...barely enough came out with two docs working on both arms...my fault though but i had no idea i was that dehydrated...they made me drink more and even then by the afternoon i was tired of drinking...i dont knnow why i dont drink more...given some days i can drink all day but most days i dont...and the dehydrated drinking is a pain in the butt because i drink until im full and im still dying of thrist...it doesnt go away and i have to keep drinking until it does..and by then i really hate drinking lol...so mmm yea will ahve to go get a drink..before i finish not working..maybe ill make eggs or something when i go home. i dont know...cant decide...will finish later on i guess

confusion

if everything happens for a reason..i cant help but wonder what in the hell im doing....

so im sick for a couple reasons that just annoy the hell out of me..and this week has gotten so busy i dont know what im doing...and i skipped class again because i didnt want to go and i have a test in there on thursday...if i fail it again ill have to be really good on the last two tests to even pull a c in the class..and if i want to stay on the deans list i have to pull in a 3.5 somehow...and econ is gonna screw me over big time...but ill figure something out..i always do i guess...i cant fail again..

i was looking on my schools message boards this morning and ran into an old thread...it was about si and smoking...given i dont smoke and really cant stand smoke because its gross and ive tried it too so its not like im just saying it to say it but i dont see why si and smoking need to be compared to each other....there is no point to it and this isnt the first time ive run into the convo and i had a small convo about it with my doc....god college kids can be really stupid sometimes... but geez i dont see how they compare at all...it just annoyed me...

you would think i was trying to get caught...i almost jumped out of my skin when yvonne knocked on my door this morning and i was doing something i shouldnt have started..but anyhoo...i figured out how to get out of talking about the cutting...and it was funny watching aarons reactions when i kept putting it off..eventually she stopped me before i wasted all the time...but i will see how long she lets me get away with it next time...i dont want to tell her about it because she will be ever so disappointed in me..i want to stop i really do but im not sure i can get around the point that there is nothing to get teh same feeling from...i would rather have my arm taken off than to have to stop the feeling...

am i ready to die? no
do i want to die? yes
will i die? no prolly not cas i suck

ick i need to eat but i think if i do ill throw up...i want to go home and take a nap...i think ill call in sick for work today...email in sick i mean...im just not up to it today :S i have to go bake a cake sometime this afternoon and clean up and study and not be sick .... damnit only i get sick when i dont need to be...i have to go to the store too...gggrrrr everything happens at once! ill make up the extra time for work on thursday and tomorrow some....i dont want to think about it!

weekend and coffee

im at work not working so i have to be quiet turned in all my homework for today though and that was good..i think my teacher will be a little disappointed i didnt add more to my genogram thing but i told her i didnt like doing family junk when i had to write about what i got from it...but i did the other journal as i usually do and i completely made myself sould like a horrible person because i dont know how to fix myself and im so screwed up and i had a presentation this morning and i was so nervous about it and i did cut before i left home this morning and i really am so disapointed for doing it...thinking about it makes me what to cry, i was so happy my wrist was starting to look normal instead of looking like a war zone..and now back to the same thing and im going home this weekend and as usual freaking out about it because i refuse to stay past sunday and i have to think up something to say for getting back on monday...ill tell her im gonna work or something...i dont know just confused about everything as usual..my teacher asked how i was and i said i was ok, not that i was gonna say any different and i think she knew that too...

ok i dont like coffee at all but i could smell it all day long and not care lol..and on campus coffee is the big thing but i saw no point in it...i mean once a year maybe you would catch me drinking a coffee and then its not even real straight coffee...i always got a Caramel Macchiato..i know fifty bagillion cals in one stupid drink..but a few weeks ago yvonne got a caramel javalanche and i tasted it and loved it!! i think i like it better because its a cold drink and its not coffee coffee and theres a tons of caramel in it and i do love caramel on some days lol...but i had two last week i had two with whipped cream and they run about 700cals but i dont know the real size of the cup so im guessing between 700 and 800 stupid coffee ... hmm i need to find out how big those cups are...its not like theres a small, medium, large with this drink...since its a mixed drink you just get one size and im guessing its a large..but im not sure

you suck

eleven days down the drain

ick day

today has been just kinda blah....wasnt feeling good and ended up spending most of the sleeping on the couch. played harvest moon for a bit and ate some real food..just rice, corn and salad...still working on the no meat thing...starting off is so hard...and umm head is really hurting and ill have to go get some meds tomorrow but i dont know exactly what is wrong...im thinking its a head cold and i think ill get some theraflu just to be on the safe side since it has been a couple days and it hasnt let up...it comes and goes but i think ill still suffer and go to work tomorrow, since i cant miss class anyway. it has been fun hanging out with henry and yvonne but we are back and forth between homework and henry is just playing games lol. but still its been a good weekend, i just wish i hadnt slept most of it away..i try to stay awake but i go lay down on the couch and by 9 im dead to the world...i know i havent been missing sleep that much!

so not on my good list

this has so not been a good weekend for me and ming....and dusti is being surprisingly affectionate...makes me wonder if they were abducted by aliens when we werent home or something...so now im up at 3 in the morning for no real reason except ive been back and forth to sleep fifty bagillion times since at 9. yvonne and henry went to a movie and i didnt go because im not feeling good so i was just gonna catch up on sleep and instead i end up being awake because ming is having some issues tonight and just making messes and pulling junk out and tearing up the carpet and barking at god knows what for an hour..now i know why i dont have a dog! i still want one but im not sure ill be getting a puppy by any means...just in a bad mood atm. blah blah blah blah !

hi

hey...

this is me i guess...i have quite a few online names but mostly i try to stick with lilwisp, starsinjade, mistyjade (for a select few), Brokken and Butterfly. You know you shouldnt use your name online anyway...even though I break that rule a lot. anyhoo...info about me...im 21 and in college and eventually gonna be a social worker i think...i like care bears, movies, music, coloring, shopping, painting, writting poetry when the feeling hits me (mostly in class lol), umm my kitten Dusti who is a holy terror at times but I still love her to pieces, my roommate, cartoons, flavored water, wolves and tigers, traveling!! I would say I really am pretty easy to get along with as long as no one does something stupid like lie to me...I'm not big on second chances and trust is an issue soooo you would be dumb to break it..cas I can not be talking to you and you wouldnt really know it....im weird like that lol. so hmm guess thats all!