weight

things have been all over the place lately to put it nicely... and well in the midst of everything i have been losing a little bit of weight ... i went swimming last weekend and i wore my bathing suit ,,hence the picture .... it has been a long time since i have acutally worn it and it fit quite nicely in my opinion ..like it surprised my at how it fit..

like its been five weeks into the program now and i believe ive lost about 12 pds so far..eating better...making better choices... i still struggle with binge days .. and not good choices..or days like today where i eat so early that now im hungry and want to munch now that im laying down and ready for bed..but my body is changing and that is a scary scary thing. 

but im going back to the pool tomorrow to swim again with sarah and that is exciting. 

very very hurt
that is all

thinking irrational thinks

i have been trying to write this for a while now..my attention wavers in so many different directions ..searching for so many unknown things..i know my thinking has become more and more irrational as the day as gone on ..bordering on downright harmful in some aspects..but i am to tired and in to much physical pain to fight against them .. like the current physical pain is enough that some thoughts are centering on punishment, on forgetting the rules, on becoming to soft, to easy on myself..before this stomach pain was nothing, i went to work and lived with it daily..now one day has knocked me on my ass and im ready to call the doctor in tears because it hurts so much. yet i am reminded that it is indeed my fault. because I didnt pay attention. because i didnt take the medicine correctly. so the pain is mine to deal with. so deal with it i must it seems. that is just the tip of the iceberg of thinking as i have lain in bed this afternoon trying and failing not to be sick. if i know i am irrational then how can i not listen to myself? i mean there is truth in there? i mean in all the current chaos i did mess up the medicine and now i am paying for it right ? mommy is ignoring me so i guess she must be mad at me or like someone better ? and sarah has so much extra help what does she need me for ? and just all sorts of thinking thinks...

well ...

things are maybe sorta beginning to calm down in some ways ?   the boys were here this weekend and i actually took them to the pool...like i actually got in the pool with them..in a bathing suit..i did have a tshirt on but i couldnt cover up the scars on my legs ... and i tried not to over stress about it..and i had a good time with them...gosh i have missed swimming ...i managed a couple hours and even managed to swim some laps too...it was so relaxing in the pool even if i was playing with the boys and swimming..it wasnt crowded and it wasnt a crazy hot day...i got out after a couple of hours but let the boys play for another hour or so before we left the pool... so we stayed for around 3 hours before calling it quits ... but boy am i tired..im not sore though...  i asked sarah if she would go back with me so i could go swimming again..and she said she would .. maybe if i had help we could get her into the 2 ft section and she could just relax in the water you know .. 

it just sucks at how much fear gets in the way of things ... so years i have just kind of vetoed going to the pool and stuff because of being so afraid of  the scars and what ppeople think and being ashamed ... and ive missed out on doing so many things that i actually like doing and its just like life has become so 'small and safe' i guess..like i only do what i know is ok ..what i know ill be ok at..i dont take any chances..i dont step to far out of my comfort zone at all...and it does make me sad ..when i do end up stepping out of my comfort zone and i have fun..and then its like why was so worried..why did i stress my self out to the point of panic and anxiety and overwhelming fear ??? why did i talk myself out of it because of being affraid when it could of been so much fun ?? how do i let go of the fear ?  how do i become more comfortable ?

hopefully this week things will begin to calm down further ... we may have figured out things with sarah and it could be one of her medications..she hasnt taken it for a couple days and she is more herself and that is really really good..she has an appt with a new psych doc so hopefully they will go over all of her medications and find ones that work well together for her..but i hope this will continue to be a upwards move and things will contnue to improve and the crisis team stuff will decrease ...

tomorrow is my last day in the pharmacy and my last day of class in july 13th !  it is closing in soon!  i have a lot of math to work on though..and well a lot of work in general to work on actually lol..im a little bit behind with that ... i may work on the resume tonight though... im doing well in the food farmacy class though and since starting it, i have lost almost 10 pounds.. almost ... i have another cooking class this week..and hopefully this week ill feel more like cooking ... this past week ive been so much more stressed and tired and havent been wanting to cook at all ... my blood pressure on friday was 122/82... i honestly cant remember the last time the top number was that low!  maybe the program is a good idea you know...some days i feel like im trying and some days i feel like im just kinda floating out in left field with direction at all and have no idea what im doing ... and it is rough because i feel like everyone else is doing so much better than me and im just struggling so much much you know... i feel so inexperienced in the whole vegetable realm .. and i dont know how to manage them correctly and stuff...maybe i can ask someone to help me next time ..with like cutting them down and how to prepare them for the freezer and things.. maybe i can email sarah ann and ask her about it.

i kinda took myself out today to build a bear and to bath and body works.  it was fun.  it was nice having a bit of time to myself after having the boys this weekend ... just some total peace and quiet for a little while .. i wasnt able to stay out for to long because anxiety still wins out and i get anxious being out for to long by myself ..but i was ok for the most part for a couple hours ...

so for now im just writing and listening to music until sarahs crisis person is finished..and then ill prolly do dinner and then work on organizing and cleaning up my room and the litter boxes ... im tired ..like really tired but i cant seem to go to sleep ...  im almost cautiously thinking i have a tad bit more energy you know ...  its so weird ...  my body feels different...lighter in some ways ... i do have times when i have to fight myself not to self sabotage in big ways...i get so scared when i start to lose weight... i really do... but why???  why do i get scared..i mean i do have some unhealthy views of weight and body image and all of that ... but losing weight triggers something... but im not 100% sure of what it is ...

Nicole and I

i now have my very own picture of the two of us.  i plan to get it framed.  it means so very much to me that mommy gave me one.   no one can take it from me at all.

rough

things are just rough
im tired
im overwhelmed
im frustrated
im sad
im feeling like my space is being invaded in a big big big big way and there is nothing i can do about it ... i feel helpless and at a loss on how to help sarah .. she has been in the hospital this week and they sent her home without finding her a bed ..even though something is wrong ... a mental health crisis .. the hospital was all sorts of shady with getting her discharged..her psychiatrist is out of town and so things are a bit heated right now and it just feels like blame is being thrown around and tempers are up.. and it all just leaves me feeling so helpless because  i am at a loss for how to help at this point .. because it has been a steady downhill type thing and and it is so hard watching and being unable to do anything to make it better... and so now one of her mental health ppl seems to think she is in charge and that kinda pisses me off .. but ok ill step back and let that go i guess .. i mean im not stupid ... i do know how to handle crisis situations... i dont like being treated like im a child ..  no one seems to be taking into account that i live here too... and i guess in the grand scheme of things ... it is just that i am here to help sarah and i guess it would be good if i just remember that too..and do what im asked to do ..or be where im supposed to be or do what everyone expects me to do right ?  drop everything and stay here?  because again..its not about me .. so how may i help you

as i have said before ... i don't have time for any type of any crisis..so im trying to maintain some control over myself..right now im just tired you know...my body is tired..but i have to keep moving ..i have to keep doing stuff because that is what is expected right ? get up and get out..smile..but i dont feel much like talking ... i really dont ... there is to much going on in my head..my thoughts are pretty sad and negative right now...tired and negative and so i am hiding in the silence..so that no one has to be bothered with what i am thinking about..

today will be another busy day ... ill dig up some energy from somewhere...

lets see how i measure up on the failure meter today .

anxiety is rising ...

 it seems that no matter what i do my anxiety is steadily going up these past couple days ... and i am quietly freaking out and attacking myself in small ways... not letting myself eat.. picking on myself..bullying myself...wondering why i cant be better..wondering why im not pretty or why i dont have like three jobs or 3.5 kids or a big house .. why i cant be emotionally stable or eat healthy 100% of the time or why i cant go exercise or like myself on a continuous basis ... or why i have to be me ..and i hate being me.im no good at it ...i hate it... no one even likes me ... and i know im being irrational right now..because i have made friends and i know i have people who like me and care about me and my well being and enjoy my company..but right now my focus is stuck on Saturday and my inability to make myself perfect between now and then isnt able to happen and it depresses me...im disappointment in myself..i feel like i havent tried hard enough.. i feel like im going to be judged by mommy and everyone there ... and i truly just want to go and have fun..but im so terrified that ill go and just be a disappointment .. and it makes me feel like a child and that i cant escape and that ill fail .. and it makes me want to cry ..

im feeling a bit stressed out now with class because things are moving more into math and i am not good with math and im already feeling like a failure and im not understanding it very well..i dont want to mess up but i feel like a failure already ..and it sucks because ive tried so hard...im not going to stop trying ... im not going to fail..i dont want to fail but fighting the thoughts are draining me ...

im finally seeing britney tomorrow after 2 long weeks ... i have a lot crowding in my head so seeing her will be a good thing...i dont ill be able to see her the week after though because of money but hopefully the week after that ill be able to go back to every week..i hope..it is hard paying out of pocket ... this week has been harder money wise .. blah .. this week i just hate money i guess .. i still need to get a couple meds that i forgot about and still travel and it is just causing more stress as i try to make it all work and make it all fit together without coming back with absolutely no money...

i cant really look for a second job now due to all of the summer obligations i already have ..but come fall i truly will have to get a second job..and im hoping one will open up in a pharmacy for me ...i truly am..  plus i am trying to save up for a couple vacations ... well possibly three vacations lol definites are florida in january ... and texas in july ... alaska may get pushed back a bit ... but the water park in texas does sound pretty cool. and florida is to go to harry potter world at universal studios and pandora world at animal kingdom in disney world ...  im not sure what the holidays are going to look like for this year...i kind of hope im working in all honesty .. but we will see how it all works out.. and with mommy moving ..who knows what the plan will be ...

but going home on friday for her retirement party on saturday and then she will be moving towards the end of june ... who knew it would actually happen.. i dont think i ever believed mommy would actually retire ... but she is ...i think the heart attack scared her a lot ...

but im getting a headache .. so im going to lay down..this took a while to write since i took so many breaks and had so many distractions going on ...

i have been making changes ...

well it has been interesting the past week or so .. i have been making changes..like really actually trying with eating and things and trying new vegtables and watching what im eating and noting when im over eating and stuff and beginning to cut back... like in the past week ive tried collards, zuchiinni and squash...three things i have NEVER eaten and probably swore i would never eat in my life..and here i am trying them... and i maybe even liked the zuchinni and squash..im eating yogurt and granola again.. im still snacking a lot but im aware of it..im back on ALL of my meds as of well yesterday ... and i go in tomorrow for my a1c check... im nervous about it but well it is what it is..im just hoping it has gone down..please let it have gone down...

it has been really stressful though the past few weeks and no therapy and lost a support person and class stuff and starting interning and just a lot going on...going home next weekend and picking up jaylen and seeing a bunch of people at the retirement party and so i am still heavy in judgement mode ... like i have a week to magically become someone else...someone better ...someone different .. someone just not me ...  and it makes me so very sad that all i am is me .. it makes me sad that i feel so very unimportant .. that even now i wish so much to be beautiful and better and just more ...and still i am just me ... and there is absolutely nothing special about me ... my head is feeling heavy with negative thoughts today... but i gotta get ready for class ...

my computer has been acting up and that is really annoying me so very much ...

do i truly not matter as a person?

i am sad...very very sad..i am feeling incredibly unimportant..like me doing anything outside of sarah is frowned upon..i dont know.  its not the first time ive been asked to stop something im doing to come home ..and it wont be the last..it just hurts knowing that everyone expects me TO drop everything ..

just frustrated to the extreme

im frustrated and angry right now... mommy called this morning fishing for information i guess...her and man had been talking about me and my plans and i despise being talked about.. it is a major trigger because it causes paranoia..it makes me think i am being picked on or made fun of...and it is frustrating and confusing.  i didnt lie. but i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything because it will get back to her ... no matter what... i will just keep my silence because every fucking thing gets back to her..thats why i dont post truly on facebook because it gets back to her..nothing is safe from her..and i hate that..is it any surprise i am so paranoid???  any surprise that i dont talk a lot.. or share anything .. i dont feel safe .. maybe that is at the bottom of all of this...i just dont feel safe.. im glad she is moving..i really really am..

i dont have the words ....

ive been trying to write for days but my mind keeps drifting and i have been sleeping a lot and just kind of all over the place ... things are kinda not ok ..like the not ok where i handed over the klonopin to sarah because i was afraid i would take them all when i came home on wed after my appointment with the BH people ..  i was frustrated..upset..and crying and just having a hard time and angry that im having so much trouble explaining myself and being mean and rude and making it seem like i dont care ... im not doing it on purpose but i have fallen back into protection mode and i shut down and work on pushing everyone away.  i know im doing it.  i know i am struggling and i cant seem to explain just how badly i am struggling with her leaving and so i keep saying the same stuff and keep asking her to stay instead of letting her know that i am feeling incredibly abandoned and upset..ok the upset part she knows but not the abandoned part..it is hard having my small support system change and trying to maintain being ok and managing when it feels like im being left behind  and i dont know what to do...im hurt and all i know to do is to go back to not saying anything and refusing everything and just messing things up...as much as i want this to end on good terms i feel like my inability to say what is really going on will cause things to just kinda end which is not good in any way ... i keep thinking about it and trying to figure out what to say and i just get to my appointment and it all goes out the window and i end up mostly sitting in silence and just kinda being a brat ... i am trying hard to keep myself safe but at the same time i dont want to be safe...i want them to know how badly i am hurting and how much this is causing me to struggle...i want them to see that i am not okay...it is not so much for attention..but more that i cant get the words out..it is easier to just show that i am not ok..and well if i am cutting then things have reached a very high not ok point ... i want to be strong and show that i can manage but all i really want to do is cry and hide and well cut.. i am using food as an escape but it isnt really helping...it is making me feel slightly sick though..  just things are hard..very hard and i dont know where to turn right now...im talking to britney but again i think i am leaving things out...i dont fully trust her yet ..so i tell her bits and pieces ..and then completely fall apart later on over something and i feel like im just stuck ..  nothing helps currently except sleep ... and i am so very very tired ..

happy mothers day

it is not happy
i am not happy
im actually very on edge
my thoughts run away with me
i am trying to stay busy
occupied, distracted
but every empty moment
brings on more thoughts and sadness
more tears and heartache
i did what was expected of me
and now i am done with the day
but i cant escape it
everything reads happy mothers day
and i feel like i am alone
and stuck in my grief

so very tired

im feeling very down and tearful right now...i look through facebook and everything is about how happy and loved mothers are ..and i just want to cry...it hurts because it is not that way with mommy ..and i keep trying to make it that way and i keep failing and it just hurts me.. i feel no joy with mothers day..i feel a lot of sadness and hurt and shame and fear .. but not joy or happiness... oh yes i sent her a card and i will call and talk to her tomorrow and pretend so hard that i am ok and all of that.. but my heart breaks as i remember what she has done to me..things she has said to me..and it doesnt make sense .. i dont want to ruin any one elses day though and so im keeping quiet ...

thankfully our plans with sarah have been changed to sunday so that will keep me a bit busy at least for part of the day..

i just want so much to hide away from the day and stuff down the feelings that are coming up... :(

there has been a lot of stress this week..and i guess im just really tired right now from all of it..like being up and moving and doing stuff is tiring anyway..but add in class and stress to the point of being sick about the test...which i passed by the way...and the finding out that sarah, my behavioral health person is leaving in a couple weeks ..and i just kinda shut down and shut her out ..  some financial stuff and worried about money and things ...but sarah (my sarah) keeps reassuring me that we will manage and make it through..i have been allowing myself to get more comfort from her in the midst of all of this going on..

but i have been sleeping a lot again ... im just worried ... very worried about things and my moods and emotions are all over the place ...  like i said..im just tired ..

im not bipolar and ill never have insurance

if i wasnt so absolutely sure i wasnt bipolar then the major mood swings would just really piss me off...right now im going back and forth and so im currently pissed off but i dont know why..im angry and i dont know for what..a half hour ago i was depressed and frustrated ..and i swear my eyes are going screwy and i swear i keep seeing things.. like just little flashes of light..or i think i see something moving right outside of my line of vision..i cant figure out if its getting worse or not but it certainly makes me feel crazy..

i guess i am feeling hopeless right now...every since the repeal on obamacare ..i have been feeling so hopeless and frustrated and at a loss of what to do..no i dont currently have insurance becuase it was to expensive..but now the choice is being taken away from me in that i cant get coverage without paying even more or not qualifying at all because of pre exisiting conditions... and to be honest ALL of my conditions are listed on the list..every last one of them..  and its not just the physical ones..its the mental ones that have been added now and it feels like it is all just stacking up against me..like there is no hope at all ... how am i supposed to stay healthy and care when im being told that the government could care less about me and my conditions..if i thought it was expensive before then i may as well just never go get care anywhere because i cant afford it...it truly feels like my death warrant has been signed, sealed and delivered and now they are just waiting for me to kick the bucket because that is all that is left..right now i am worried for myself and im sorry if that makes me selfish...i have to pay for things out of pocket as it is...and any insurance hope i may have been holding out for has just been completely pulled from under me and i feel stuck...i feel vulnerable..i feel so so very helpless ..  and i am left asking what is the point ...why try when i can turn on the news and end up with the impression that i dont matter at all ... that not only does my physical stuff limit me..but now my mental stuff does as well ... what am i supposed to think?  i am not living off the government, i work, i pay my taxes , i do everything im damn well told i am supposed to do..but my healthcare doesnt matter at all to any of the rich assholes making all of these decisions .. it makes me sad..i am sad..
and i dont know what else to say..so im just going to go and lay down

everything is triggering

right now i feel like everything is becoming a trigger and i am just stuck and frustrated with myself because i cant seem to make things stop..i feel stupid that i cant seem to keep my mood under control..i cant even finish writing this.   i give up

restless and anxious

sometimes the restlessness, the anxiety just feels like being a bird stuck in a room and you are just going back and forth repeatedly..looking for something? a way out? an escape? but you keep getting distracted..you keep going back and forth..and nothing sticks..nothing is concrete..you look but cant hold on to anything..random directions are thrown at you but you dont understand..you dont hear..and it doesnt stop..not until you crash

today was a struggle to maintain any type of focus...today stands out because i had class this morning..i struggled to get out of the door on time..and then struggled to remain present in class..but i kept getting distracted..i keep apologizing for taking so long to write notes because my attention wavered so much..i wanted to talk and ask question and that made me think and stop and restart all over again.. its like an energy drink that was never drunk..my thoughts run in circles ..they run into each other and crash and burn only to create new thoughts and ideas that have even crazier patterns of no direction..

i came home and took something to help with calming the anxiety, and slowing my thoughts down.. before i self combusted and im feeling much calmer now..but it is just ugh..so hard to explain

grasping at straws

tonight i am doing everything in my power to remain in control but it is hard..it is tiring..i feel like i am trying and trying and still the thoughts win in the end..it makes me question what is going on and why i bother trying .. i am feeling so so angry, tearful, sad, just off..really really off and im trying to be quiet and deal and not upset anyone ..but i feel like i am beginning to go backwards and i dont know how to stop it..i just feel so frustrated and angry all of the time again..i am having thoughts of wanting to hurt..not punish but just hurt..to get a break from my head .. from the constant stress of trying to maintain control ... the anxiety has been bad .. and i am struggling and im still trying to struggle alone and quietly ..i want to be better..i dont want anyone to think that im not trying..but i feel like i am sinking in this ship that i am on...im losing interest again .. i dont want to do anything.. im tired all the time..i just want to sleep and have silence ... i need silence as things are getting louder in my head again ... im thinking and thinking and thinking and worrying and stressing..and worrying some more...frustrated with the need to be perfect and always failing and its makes me feel like i do need to go away..like i have failed just so very much and there is no hope..there is nothing at all and it makes me tired ...it takes so much energy to interact and maintain some semblance of anything..and its like how in the world will i manage to do anything when i dont want to be bothered..when i want to just be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone..i am afraid that i will just yell and scream and break down from something..i feel crazy..i feel mean..heartless..broken..and it comes from very deep within..


it is almost as if i feel safe and stable and so my control is slipping ..  the anger wants out but how ?  why?  does the anger hide the sadness or is it the other way around ?   maybe knowing i will be seeing mommy soon as set this all off again..maybe i am just crazy and need to stop pretending that i will ever be able to lead any sort of normal life.. i cant yell at people to not talk to me because it bothers me..  i feel like im drowning .. i fail at life ..i fail at maintaining..i fail at everything ..

beginning to feel overwhelmed..

my head is full of fuzz today.  it is hard to think..and it hurts...im just laying here really thinking about a lot of stuff..worrying about a lot of stuff..wishing i could just lay down and go back to sleep until wed when i see britney again .. i feel so out of it and frustrated and irritated ... and sad...  the sad is creeping back in .. i am taking my medicine ..i dont think im forgetting it..but im beginning to just kind of drift off and it is a struggle to get myself pulled together...i dont know.. little things bother me, noise is bothering me..i feel like im being invaded and there is no way to fix it... i am tired and i want to hide

why are people so cruel ?

my heart hurts for my youngest brother.  i feel helpless in this situation because there is so little i can do to help...i feel awful that life continues on and he is having to deal with a hell of a lot of shit from an ex girlfriend.  i wish i could do more.  i am worried and scared for him.  i am trying to have faith in the justice system but i am not confident in it..i want to believe that the truth will prevail and he will be found innocent of the charges...but he is a tall, muscular black man and i feel like the odds are already stacked against him :(  i hate feeling like this.  but i know my brother.  i believe my brother.  i will be there for him no matter what.  that is what i keep reminding myself. 

DIabetes chat

i saw the head honcho yesterday at the clinic..the endocrinologist who is the head of that department over at one of the hospitals comes to the clinic on tuesdays ..and i saw him to talk about what is going on with the whole diabetes life stuff.. my doc was able to have a nurse stay in the room with me while i was with him and for that i will be forever grateful...but it was ok talking to him about stuff..he is increasing the metformin again im im taking 3 pills now instead of two..and he touched my feet which was so weird ..checked my eyes too.. i learned that the dark rash looking thing around my neck is related to being diabetic and that my body isnt absorbing or making insulin rihgt..mommy forever tells me i need to scrub my neck and stuff when she sees it..i told her yesterday that it wasnt me not washing or anything and it still led to a conversation on using skin lightening creams to clear it up... i dont know how much more straightforward i could have been when i said it is a result of being diabetic..but oh well .. i learned something new.. but it went ok for an appointment... my daily numbers have come down to the upper 100s...that is a big big improvement ..i am truly horrified that i was getting numbers in the 300 and 400 earlier this month..which means my numbers must have been crazy high the past few months..but i am determined to get them to come down...and so the past few days its been in the upper hundreds..i am a little proud of myself for that..like the work has been worth it you know..i am concerned because he talked to me about there being protein in my urine..which he explained as meaning it could be that the diabetes is messing with my kidneys ...i had to pee in a cup yesterday and all of that for it to be checked again..but i am well aware of the complications of diabetes..and i refuse to let any of that happen..diabetes will not kill me...so i go back to see him in a couple months.. hopefully i will be able to handle the increase in the metformin. my stomach has been a little off yesterday and today..but im hoping it will ease up...

i also should be starting the food pharmacy program soon.. i filled out the questionnaire thing with ro yesterday and so i should be getting a call about it...the cooking class will be every other thursday in the evenings..and ill be meeting with a nutritionist/nurse weekly for 12 weeks..and well free groceries are involved ..that i am super happy for..groceries are freaking expensive lol.. so that will be happening too...  im suddenly very very busy lol..