so very tired

im feeling very down and tearful right now...i look through facebook and everything is about how happy and loved mothers are ..and i just want to cry...it hurts because it is not that way with mommy ..and i keep trying to make it that way and i keep failing and it just hurts me.. i feel no joy with mothers day..i feel a lot of sadness and hurt and shame and fear .. but not joy or happiness... oh yes i sent her a card and i will call and talk to her tomorrow and pretend so hard that i am ok and all of that.. but my heart breaks as i remember what she has done to me..things she has said to me..and it doesnt make sense .. i dont want to ruin any one elses day though and so im keeping quiet ...

thankfully our plans with sarah have been changed to sunday so that will keep me a bit busy at least for part of the day..

i just want so much to hide away from the day and stuff down the feelings that are coming up... :(

there has been a lot of stress this week..and i guess im just really tired right now from all of it..like being up and moving and doing stuff is tiring anyway..but add in class and stress to the point of being sick about the test...which i passed by the way...and the finding out that sarah, my behavioral health person is leaving in a couple weeks ..and i just kinda shut down and shut her out ..  some financial stuff and worried about money and things ...but sarah (my sarah) keeps reassuring me that we will manage and make it through..i have been allowing myself to get more comfort from her in the midst of all of this going on..

but i have been sleeping a lot again ... im just worried ... very worried about things and my moods and emotions are all over the place ...  like i said..im just tired ..