i dont have the words ....

ive been trying to write for days but my mind keeps drifting and i have been sleeping a lot and just kind of all over the place ... things are kinda not ok ..like the not ok where i handed over the klonopin to sarah because i was afraid i would take them all when i came home on wed after my appointment with the BH people ..  i was frustrated..upset..and crying and just having a hard time and angry that im having so much trouble explaining myself and being mean and rude and making it seem like i dont care ... im not doing it on purpose but i have fallen back into protection mode and i shut down and work on pushing everyone away.  i know im doing it.  i know i am struggling and i cant seem to explain just how badly i am struggling with her leaving and so i keep saying the same stuff and keep asking her to stay instead of letting her know that i am feeling incredibly abandoned and upset..ok the upset part she knows but not the abandoned part..it is hard having my small support system change and trying to maintain being ok and managing when it feels like im being left behind  and i dont know what to do...im hurt and all i know to do is to go back to not saying anything and refusing everything and just messing things up...as much as i want this to end on good terms i feel like my inability to say what is really going on will cause things to just kinda end which is not good in any way ... i keep thinking about it and trying to figure out what to say and i just get to my appointment and it all goes out the window and i end up mostly sitting in silence and just kinda being a brat ... i am trying hard to keep myself safe but at the same time i dont want to be safe...i want them to know how badly i am hurting and how much this is causing me to struggle...i want them to see that i am not okay...it is not so much for attention..but more that i cant get the words out..it is easier to just show that i am not ok..and well if i am cutting then things have reached a very high not ok point ... i want to be strong and show that i can manage but all i really want to do is cry and hide and well cut.. i am using food as an escape but it isnt really helping...it is making me feel slightly sick though..  just things are hard..very hard and i dont know where to turn right now...im talking to britney but again i think i am leaving things out...i dont fully trust her yet ..so i tell her bits and pieces ..and then completely fall apart later on over something and i feel like im just stuck ..  nothing helps currently except sleep ... and i am so very very tired ..