tonight i am doing everything in my power to remain in control but it is hard..it is tiring..i feel like i am trying and trying and still the thoughts win in the end..it makes me question what is going on and why i bother trying .. i am feeling so so angry, tearful, sad, just off..really really off and im trying to be quiet and deal and not upset anyone ..but i feel like i am beginning to go backwards and i dont know how to stop it..i just feel so frustrated and angry all of the time again..i am having thoughts of wanting to hurt..not punish but just hurt..to get a break from my head .. from the constant stress of trying to maintain control ... the anxiety has been bad .. and i am struggling and im still trying to struggle alone and quietly ..i want to be better..i dont want anyone to think that im not trying..but i feel like i am sinking in this ship that i am on...im losing interest again .. i dont want to do anything.. im tired all the time..i just want to sleep and have silence ... i need silence as things are getting louder in my head again ... im thinking and thinking and thinking and worrying and stressing..and worrying some more...frustrated with the need to be perfect and always failing and its makes me feel like i do need to go away..like i have failed just so very much and there is no hope..there is nothing at all and it makes me tired ...it takes so much energy to interact and maintain some semblance of anything..and its like how in the world will i manage to do anything when i dont want to be bothered..when i want to just be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone..i am afraid that i will just yell and scream and break down from something..i feel crazy..i feel mean..heartless..broken..and it comes from very deep within..
it is almost as if i feel safe and stable and so my control is slipping .. the anger wants out but how ? why? does the anger hide the sadness or is it the other way around ? maybe knowing i will be seeing mommy soon as set this all off again..maybe i am just crazy and need to stop pretending that i will ever be able to lead any sort of normal life.. i cant yell at people to not talk to me because it bothers me.. i feel like im drowning .. i fail at life ..i fail at maintaining..i fail at everything ..
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