thoughts on the election

i really wish i could turn off the news..i wish i could ignore all the newsfeeds..the calls to action..the protests..the hate..the injustice...the knowledge that so so many people didnt vote...but most of all i wish i could turn off the fact that trump is the president...

i try not to post political things or things that cause a huge divide because i hate the division. i hate knowing that as a nation we have voted in a man who has no love for anyone other than himself )in my opinion). I am speaking for myself.  I am speaking on my own thoughts. 

I have loosely followed the election, I grew tired of them attacking each other.  I grew tired of the threats, the shame, the guilt, the name calling.  They acted like children throughout the whole election.  It was disheartening and so i stopped watching, but that did not get rid of the election.  I still heard what was going on, I still listened, and I still saw.

When i woke up on wednesday morning and saw who won i didnt know what to do.  I was upset, scared, worried..i am still those things..but again i am bombarded with being told i need to protest..that i dont care if i didnt vote one way..or that voting 3rd party was stupid..there is protesting and it breaks my heart.  There are children bullying other children..telling them to go home..taunting them with yells of "build the wall"..people are being attacked..and my world slowly narrows with each passing day..

i dont feel safe...i am worried when i leave the house..my paranoia has increased ... because i am a women, because i am black, because i am a lesbian, because i am not normal...the odds are swiftly stacking against me..and with everything going on its like i have to ask myself what extra minority class do i fall into...all things that i had no choice in..but all things that will condemn me..

but i have to keep living..i have to keep making it...i cant cave in and give up..and i cant predict the future..i dont know what is going to happen..i truly dont..but i have enough worries going on that adding in the state of the entire usa is a bit much...like i have to keep reminding myself to focus on what is going on right now...what do i need to manage right now..i cant worry about what things might be like a year from now..crap i cant even worry about a month from now..i stop functioning if i skip to far ahead and try to come up with a plan that has no basis..no foundation... i need something concrete to happen..something concrete to fight against...words alone mean nothing..again this is my opinion ..

all of the protests change nothing...the rioting just ends up with more people being hurt...the bullying and harming of others because they are different hurts..and all of it together makes me feel so alone..but i have to keep going ... i wont hate ...  i wont hurt anyone else ... i wont hate ..

saying goodbye

the hardest ..saddest part of leaving my job...was saying goodbye to the clients and knowing i would not be seeing them again... they tell me have a good weekend and see you on monday and i cant respond :(  i wish i could make them understand..but maybe its better that i cant..maybe in there world there is no such thing as goodbye..and they will just think that they will see me again..that i will show up one day..that i will return and pick up where i left off with them...and it hurts..i can put on a brave face..but it hurts.. :(  maybe its better i wasnt able to tell them goodbye...

randomness of life right now

well...to continue with the randomness of today...i made the reservations to go to my sisters for christmas...well sarah and i of course...we have to stay at a hotel because i do not even want to begin to argue with mommy over the bedroom..so we will go to a hotel and just cut out the drama.. with me getting rid of my other job i know it will be a bit tighter financially but we will need to start figuring out who will be getting what for christmas...

ill be staying here for thanksgiving..no plans of going anywhere at all..just relaxing ...cooking....hanging out...im not going to make a gigantic dinner but we will have a nice little set up...turkey, loaded mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, gf stuffing, broccoli and carrots and gf rolls of some sort...the entire meal will be gf ... im so proud of myself for making the efforts to make changes ...im slowly moving back into not eating gluten..i didnt go off of it cold turkey..but im giving myself the option you know..ive almost managed to get it down to only one meal with gluten during the day..vs all meals having gluten!  im working on it seriously..let me get this down and then ill work on my sudden growing soda habit..essh .. i am having pizza for dinner today though..but ive planned on that...

i went to aldi yesterday and found gf stuffing!  gf chicken soup, a better gf bread and gf wraps...im pretty excited..and they did not cost me my first born child..so that was super good...

mood is kinda down..ok a lot down..ive been reading a lot and watching movies...trying to escape..sarah isnt feeling well and im worried about her...its sad being here without bounce..it really is...but each day managed is a good one i think..

mommy

all day my thoughts have gone back and forth..im scared and worried and still crying off and on ... the day started off like any other monday..but i got to work and all hell broke lose with family stuff... i missed some calls from nia but wayne managed to get me ... mommy had a heart attack... to put it nicely i totally and utterly lose it at work..they wouldnt let me leave until i calmed down...as i tried to explain why i needed to go home and couldnt be understood because i was crying so hard..eventually i got out what the phone call was and calmed down and came home...well mostly calmed down..i talked to nia, henry and wayne...henry had come home from work too...this is major..this is all encompassing .. this is just to much.its like the world has been pulled out from underneath me and im left with no idea of what to do...im forced to wait..i could try calling her again but i want her to actually rest..but i am still freaked out..

the story as pieced together as it will get..is that mommy got sick last night and called uncle clyde who came over and stayed with her...she still wasnt feeling better this morning and went to the hospital... mommy never willinginly goes to the hospital..ever..so for her to agree to go means this was a major deal...she goes the the hospital and they transfer her to the cardiac hospital after figuring out she had a heart attack...i managed to talk to her for a few minutes while she was being transported from one hospital to the other...but she got to the second hospital where they ran tests and found that she had a 100% blockage and immediately took her to surgery...and she got through the surgery fine and is in icu now..she wont be released for a few days and the doc most likely wont be clearing her to fly home ..so she will have to stay in ohio for a bit..

and that is where things are at for now...we are all passing messages and phone calls back and forth to let everyone know what is going on...and the eye opening part is that mommy said she had been feeling sick for a few days..lightheaded, nausous, etc and didnt go to the hospital..explained it away as something else..and now she is in the hospital..hours away for a heart attack..she was supposed to be on vacation...she was supposed to be coming home today and for this to happen...i am scared...very very scared ...

i just cant ...

once again i am left wondering how it is i keep failing at work stuff...ive tried explaining it to mommy and her response is that i need this job..i need to keep this job..and it makes me feel like i have no other options..that i have to stay at a job that is not a good fit for me..because i have no choice..because i screwed up...i tried to explain that my hours are being decreased..her response was well now i have time for a THIRD job...yes she actually said this ..that i should go back to working part time at a job ive had before..and at that point i just stopped trying...right now i work 8 - 5 or 6 ...which overlaps my other job which is technically 3:30 to ll:30..monday through friday... my docs tell me there is always time for doing things for myself and i really wonder what extra time they are talking about! i mean my second job is not taxing and i do have time to chill and what not...but where exactly do i fit in a third job? where do i make time for me to do anything that all other than work in some form or fashion? my hours for sat & sun go from 8am - 11am...given i am technically working and laying in bed since i live here too lol..but ugh...ive been thinking about all of this since yesterday when i talked to mommy and no matter how i try to work it .. i cant see myself having three jobs and i told mommy that i wouldnt get a third job...i cant...mentally i can not handle a third job...crap im struggling with 2..and if im not working im sleep..i keep looking at my schedule and trying to find extra time..i keep thinking that i have to find some time..i need to find another job..i cant not work..i have to keep doing things or i fail...the whole conversation yesterday made me feel like an utter failure...again

work woes ... :(

i am feeling very angry..and upset and well ive stopped crying but yes i was ready to put in my two week notice at work today..well on wed when i go back...i honestly told t that i spazzed out at the hotel yesterday and wouldnt leave..i told my job i was still out of town this morning..and that was the end of it i thought...when we got home today..i had a message from work saying that my time off request for tomorrow was not approved and that i would be on the schedule...i told her again that i had doctors appointments tomorrow and couldnt come in..and so i wouldnt be there..ok skip ahead and im told i need to call the director and talk to her about it because i technically didnt turn in my time off request. on friday before i left to go out of town..all of them had already left the office and i just forgot to write it and give it to them..so i left it on the stove in the kitchen..i forgot to call on monday and ask the supervisor to turn it in for me..so im told today that my request will be accepted...i call and talk to the director after being asked who i turned in my time off request to..obviously they got it..but whatever..i call the director and tell her that i cant come in tomorrow and apoligize for having to have today off...im told that i show no respect to them..im told i didnt call out two hours in advance this morning when i have the calls on my phone...i called at 5:45am...2 hours in advance of my 7:45 shift..they say i called in only an hour in advance...the conversation ends with her telling me that she will talk to me on wed when i come in... why am i getting a talking to? im not a child? the entire thing upset me to the point of tears...i was ready to put in my two weeks notice and be done with it...but of course i had t today and so she injected some rational thoughts into the mix..like they are following procedure and what not...so by the time i left i agreed to go on wed and see what happens...t told me that if i need her later in the week to call her..but im feeling so confused..every time i think about what has happened..i get angry...i dont want to be there...at the same time it is a job and i am expected to suck it up and deal with it like an adult...t mentioned that sometimes the kids react to adult situations and then im left to clean up the mess that may be the fall out...which then made me tell her that i wasnt talking to her anymore..with lots of pouting and whining and almost an all out tantrum (which did not help my case either) dang she read me like a book today and i hate when she does that..i hate when she gets logical too..and the pouting and upset feelings are returning...blah..i dont understand why i am reacting so strongly to this ... am i overreacting ?? am i wrong ? im not sure i want to know if im wrong...the annoyed pouty one doesnt want to be told she is wrong..she wants to walk in and quit...the adult me cas see the procedures and stuff in place and its like ok..maybe i was wrong and didnt follow protical and so i have to be written up..but again i dont like feeling like im in trouble..or on pens and needles at my job...t knows that but like my sister and mom dont ..and i cant explain it to them..well i cant with my mom..im frustrated and feeling incredibly impulsive...my body shakes with the need to do something ..anything..so im sitting here writing ..knowing that is not what is wanted..i have to keep it together...i think..i have to see what wed will bring but again..this is one of the things that you cant tell me about and then leave me alone with my thoughts..your going to talk to me ok..but in my head ive been fired three different ways, and killed, and all sorts of stuff....ugh...i dont know what to do...

RIP Bounce

I found out today that Bounce died at some point this weekend :(   i knew she had been acting a bit different..but i thought she was still adjusting to the new kitten..i was going to take her to the vet when i got back..but its to late now :(  i feel sad and upset and sad... i didnt get to say goodbye..ill never see her again ..

i got bounce in 2010 ...she made it to 7... she has moved with me numerous times...she has lived and been so very loved..she was my friend..shes been with me through so very much..she has dealt with a lot ... i will miss her... i wont forget her. ill never forget her.

Bounce 

2010 - 2016

recap....this week

well..i did it...i asked to be taken off of the schedule for the rest of this week. i actually asked yesterday but i came in today to go to the pumpkin patch (eeewwww)..but im off tomorrow and friday..to catch up on my notes and stuff... tuesday was a really awful day at work and i was just stressed out and worried about work stuff and home stuff and i was ready to cry at work because i was getting so overwhelmed...and they kept threatening to take me off the schedule anyway..so i just asked to be taken off and said i wanted to keep my job..so i have two days to get ALL my notes in...but the break from work seriously relieved A Lot of stress that i was holding on to...and i am able to think more calmly and clearly and stuff ...i have to prepare to go out of town..have tons of errands and things to get done..and so the break is much needed anyway..but yeah..we are so short at work and tempers are high and im getting/feeling more and more like giving up...again..im trying to hang on to the job a bit longer ..but its not a long term thing at all ..not at this point. 

i had to go to a med class today and it was about insulin....now i am diabetic..on pills but not on insulin..i refuse to agree to insulin and it is not a major option for me right now..but in the future it could be and that scares me..but the class today scared me too..ugh..and im sitting in there like crap what in the world am i doing to myself you know? i could do so much better with my health and i dont and i just dont fully understand why either..i mean i can go a couple months at a time but then some brings back the old habits and its a vicious cycle..i dont know...like i know all the stuff to do but i just dont do it..or dont stick with it...ugh frustration...

thats been the past couple days though..a lot going on..and major loads of stress but hopefully that will begin to lessen and ill be off work all next week so time away will be good to..
my brilliant light bulb moment from the past couple weeks ?!?! i do not under any circumstances handle stress well ... i guess ive always known that ..but it was kinda brought back to light when t mentioned making a referral for me to get help with stress management..cas i would swear up and down that im fine and im managing ..but yeah...im soooo not managing...but anyhoo...

oh and the whole no personal time kinda came up again...blah

angry

today i am tired and not feeling good at all..im tired of work already and i just got here. im tired of people not showing up and im tired of being yelled at about stupid stuff...im sick of notes and this building and just all of it...i dont want to be here...why am i staying ? i really wish i could figure out why i am staying here? maybe i think that im supposed to have a job..two jobs to prove that i am capable and able to manage and make it...i dont know...im just worn out ..and frustrated right now...there is no time to catch up and im already really behind ...i cant keep the notes on my computer but they put them on my computer..except for the one i pulled from an email yesterday...but i did them..and i refuse to write them over ...i really do..im already majorly behind and i actually turn in the stupid notes for yesterday and all i get is that i was supposed to hand write one set of notes and i want to scream ... i don't have time to redo a set of notes that i typed just because its been decided that i needed to write them...shouldnt you be happier that i actually did them?  whatever.  my mood is not good today ..im actually feeling angry and i didnt take my meds this morning and im feeling sick and have a headache forming...so im just going to be quiet today and get through the day..and go home

stupid allergies

i feel like death..i sound like death and i cant breathe....fml  i just want to sleep but im dragging myself to work today...ugh

maybe im just lying to myself

maybe im not cut out for work...maybe i just cant manage a work setting or not take things personally...as i watch another coworker prepare to quit..i am feeling depressed...at a lost for what i want to do....how can i just suck at so many jobs ??  yesterday has left me feeling quiet and down and sad and overwhelmed and frustrated...i dont want to go to work..i dont do well in enviroments where i feel like i dont know what is going on..and that is what happened yesterday in an extreme way...i was overloaded...anxious..upset..confused..and felt like i was expected to know what was going on but no one told me anything..all of us ..even the floor supervisior got written up yesterday..and then they have the nerve to ask why we arent more motivated?? i saw the floor supervisor crying again yesterday and i wonder how much longer she will stick around with the way she is treated...i dont like that..not to mention i am sick a lot lately....stomach issues...im at a loss for all of that too..im not eating as badly as i have been..but yeah there is still room for improvement of course...but the nausea is a daily thing again..and i hate it...i dont want to even eat anymore...

im ready for vacation...i need to get away..regroup...just think without worrying about work.

less than two weeks away !

im ready to go now ...

missed therapy this week...to stay late and work on notes..but i talked to anita about why i couldnt come in...im not missing next week.

my brain is fried and its only wed.... i want to hide in bed and not do anything at all.

what am i doing ??

im pasively sabatoging my job..im not doing the notes..i can rightfully be fired for not doing the notes..i could cause alot of trouble for the company for not doing the notes..and what have i still not completely done???my notes...im frustrated and annoyed with myself at this point...and im annoyed ill be written up today...my fault completely ..but still...i dont like it..i gotta get my motivation back..something..ugh

ugh.

my stomach has been awful today..and prolly yesterday to if i think about it..but a lot of cramping and trips to the bathroom..im trying my hardest not to call out of work and just go to the bathroom if i need to..but its so embarrassing going back and forth to the bathroom...ugh..i just want my stomach to get its act together...i hate feeling nauseous more than anything else in the world !

rambling

I need to clear the head a bit and well writing is as good an option as any. I keep thinking about my coworker, who tells me she loves me and gives me loads of hugs, and lets me talk and listens and all of this. she has told me things about her life and things that have happened and why she cares for me and my wellbeing and why she is worried about me. I keep trying to tell her that I am fine and that im okay and managing. Still she tells me that she worries and she figured out the cutting herself, the first day she met me at work. She has a family member that did it and so she knew. I couldnt figure out what she was hinting at when she talked to me at the beginning of the week..but by friday i needed her to spell it out for me. i needed her to say what it was and to hear how she figured it out. i also told the dumbest lie ever about being clumsy and falling alot ..and she listened and then told me to stop lying to her. i worry when she says that she is worried about me harming myself..i worry that if i take what she is offering that i will overwhelm her..that i will run her away..that she will come to hate me..that i will be to much to deal with. a lot of fears popping up..and all of this happens after i mention needing help..i keep thinking that also..i have talked to her mom who told me to hang in there...ive talked to her daughter who has dealt with suicidal feelings and things and she told me to be strong. . people i have never met..who seem to care about me and im the dork questioning why..maybe im just afraid to accept it..to allow myself to really just take it for what it is..to be loved and cared for..the most innocent of conversations has created an avalanche of care and it is a little overwhelming maybe. i want it. gosh i want it but i am afraid. what if she wants something from me? what if she is not trustworthy or hurts me or hates me? so many what -ifs..and i hate what-ifs. i drive myself crazy with what ifs ..she invited me and sarah to the fair..all week i avoided giving her an answer..she husband worked on my car for me today.. and so i asked sarah and we ended up going...and it was fun..i was a bit jealous because i wanted my friend to myself and had to share her with her friends and sarah and her step daughter...but she did take time out to check in with me and give me hugs .. i want to be around her and of course only her ..and i cant help but think about some things t has said to me about my behaviors when it comes to me getting attached and how i want all or nothing..there is no inbetween and something about making them pay for caring for me...hmm i think im getting the wording wrong on that one..but its like i take what they offer and then demand more..or become manipulative in ways to get more attention and stuff..and its like im a leech and im just sucking the person dry..because i dont accept what they are giving for what it is..does that make sense? hmmm .. i dont want to be a leech but i can tell the attachment is trying to form..and i can tell that i want all of her attention..but i dont want her to feel sorry for me..i want more than i can give..and im not entirely sure that is fair..i dont know how to have that equal give and take in a friend relationship..and of course i push these types of relationships into parent mode..or i try to ..and then i become overwhelming and needy..well im already those things but now it is being directed at someone outside of me..and things become a bit murky..blah...but ok.. umm yeah went to the fair...and ate french fries and funnel cake (not all of it) and ate steak on a stick ! lol that amuses me so very much it seems..played a couple games and won a questionable mammal? i thought it was a parrot...it is not a parrot ! but it has no arms and its bring yellow and just umm a little weird . and i got some chicken tenders that went from one side of the paro to the other with me and then walked all the way to the car with me and then drove to the candy store with me and then drove home and switched cars and arrived at home in a bucket so i can eat them :D the chicken tenders have truly experienced life today hehe. but i am worn out..majorly..we have been out ALL day! im gonna lay here and keep thinking about my chicken tenders it seems. i like chicken tenders and things on sticks it seems

its been a long week

sadly it is not over with yet... im just worn out this week..tired and very worn out..i dont know why im so tired this week..but i am..i mean its been gray and rainy all week...storms yesterday that had me on edge...more storms supposed to be coming ... im not feeling great but it could be worse..im super aware of what im eating..and when i am feeling sick...it is so up and down that it is frustrating...i feel like im not doing enough but i dont think my body could do anything else...did i mention im just tired?? ive been like 5 - 10 minutes late every day this week! ugh..

my mood is really down..like im working to be ok at work but even that is hard..im quieter...im no as involved..i want to hide...my anxiety has been up all week..probably not getting paid tomorrow may have something to do with that..but if i dont get paid tomorrow then ill definitely get paid on monday...its just frustrating..and my mood is crazy and i really do just want to hide most of the time..

is it my medicine? is it my stress?  is it my anything ?

i want to keep talking to my co worker and each day a little bit comes out..but im still hiding..and well talking about big things are tiring too...

i have a lot on my mind but i am stuck right now...and just tired...

work..and talking and stuff

you know when i went to work this morning i did not have a plan to talk to my coworker about what has been going on..well more about sarah and our relationship...i could have denied it when she asked...but i didnt ..and she put it together..and it was like oh crap what have i done..and then it was like i trust her...i hope my trust is not misplaced..we spent the day talking off and on about things ..about how mommy doesnt want me to share with anyone and how she acts and stuff with sarah..the day was tiring but talking about hard stuff always makes me feel tired..she didnt push..she talked to me about her daughter and how she accepted her...she asked me if i was depressed and i said yes without really going into detail .. she told me not to be depressed.. that is such a loaded question for me...i wanted to talk to her but gee we were at work surrounded by clients lol..not the time for a heart to heart..i have to be careful not to share to much though...i have to just be careful

depressed

i cant seem to get the depressed feelings to let go of me..im just sad right now and im struggling a lot ...i ffeel like i want to just cry for a good long while but i cant...there are a million things i want to do..well a million things i need to do..there isnt much that i actually want to do these days. im trying..i really am..and until anita mentioned it i wouldnt have said in a million years that i was stressed..but i am..im worrying and thinking on a constant basis. i cant get my thoughts to stop..ive been out of klonopin for a few days and i can feel the tension in my back building..my back hurts..my shoulders hurt...i cant relax because i might forget something..

so much anxiety..so anxious im staying depressed..my thoughts make me sad..and then i just look for ways to hurt myself..i cant keep cutting..and just as quickly that is the only option that occupies my mind...

maybe there isnt any help for me ...maybe i just have to manage and deal and not make a fuss...which means keeping things to myself...which means hiding...which means doing things i shouldnt do..

my thinking is tainted..i feel quiet...very very quiet..but im screaming so loudly in my head..but for what i dont know..

happy birthday

ok so i took an awful picture of the cake .. but im sure everyone knows it says happy birthday! 

i went out and got a cake this morning..and had mcdonalds for lunch and dinner..and had cake and fruit punch... its been a quiet day..playing games, reading, watching movies.. my mood has been up and down big time...ive managed to hurt myself a lot today.. i cant get the thoughts to stop..its so hard to stop once i get going..but now i am laying here..just thinking a bit about things..wondering about things..i told my sister about a day that didnt happen..and that made me sad..i know it will happen at some point..but it didnt happen today.. and thats ok.. but still im drowning in sadness...my day itsself wasnt bad...but i hate feeling so very alone when sarah is just in the other room..but it is like we are worlds apart..both struggling with different things at the same time...

but i have gotten coloring books, and a build a bear, and shopkins, and things for my birthday..oh and alcohol..cant forget the alcohol! havent even opened any of it because my stomach hurts so often..blah ... but i have it ..i dont think i need any more coloring books though!  ive been stocked up on them majorly. :)  but i love all of my books..they are all so different and cool..

i dont know what to really write about..my thoughts are a bit drifty tonight..maybe im just sleepy..and am thinking a little TO much right now..who knows..but maybe sleep soon is a good idea.

rough day

today has been an all around rough day... im so tired of everything...im frustrated and feeling tearful still..ive been crying off and on all day..i cried almost the entire time i was with courtney...i didnt like the doc i had to see this morning ..she wasnt my regular doc and she didnt listen..and i couldnt explain to her what was really going on because i didnt know her...and so it was a waste of an appointment and just frustrated me...seeing courtney when i was already upset and tearful just made it worse..and i started crying..i didnt have an all out bawl fest but i was pretty close..she asked if i needed to go to the hospital...of course i said no...i wouldnt even agree to promise or agree to not cutting...i cant ..not right now..i did say i have no intention of killing myself and that is completely true..i dont ... but i am incredibly depressed..upset..so many things and i dont know what to do with the feelings and so im writing tonight to maybe prevent any other behaviors..ive already binged today..to the point of feeling incredibly sick..maybe i wont take anything else out on myself today...maybe...im not feeling to strongly on that thought right now..it prolly doesnt help that i am feeling so negative and alone .  sarah is back from the hospital which is nice..but it makes me sad feeling so forgotten..and im trying hard not to make it about me and im trying hard to remember that it is something else going on...but i am feeling alone and that just makes me feel worse..and im being quiet and just waiting for something..i dont know...i dont have the energy to go and make conversation when i feel like it is still like talking to someone who isnt there..and my heart breaks just a bit each time there is no recognition...waiting is all there is to do with this i guess..and reporting changes and what not back to the doctor.. so like i said..i will schedule my breakdowns for some week in the far off future i guess..i guess i can break as long as no one knows...

i wonder if i can just sleep through tomorrow?? ill probably pass the day quietly ..not sure what to do with myself ..  maybe i can go to the movies or something..maybe i can just lay here and ignore the day..but i know mommy and nia will call and so i have to find some sort of level ground to be able to talk to them without being asked a million times whats wrong...i cant talk about whats wrong..im not even 100% sure i know whats wrong..but something is wrong...something is very wrong and the only way i know how to deal is to take it out on myself of course..sadly.  im not upset that i cut yesterday..but im sad that i will have new scars .. i sad i feel the need to keep cutting.to manage in silence..to scream as loud as i can and not be heard by anyone...i feel like im fading into the background..

i give up on writing...just talked to the aide and she isnt coming tomorrow which is fine i guess...its not like the day mattered or anything..i just have the day off from work..i guess i will be staying in tomorrow.  happy birthday to me ..yaaaay .. i wish i could explain the emotions that are funneling through me right now...but i cant..i just dont know how to say it..i dont even want to feel it...another birthday that will slip by..yeah  writing is not helping at all..

tonight

tonight i am hurting.  i dont want anyone to listen to me because i dont want to talk.  so im writing instead. it cant take back the cutting but maybe it will calm down some of the thoughts that make me want to continue...i want to search for and find a place of emptiness, a place of quietness..my thoughts have run far away from me today and i am just feeling broken...

i guess i am stressed out...

sarah is in the hospital.they admitted her..they think she has an infection that is causing her to be forgetful..like she was wondering the hospital and didnt know where she was..and they took her to the ER ..and called me and kept calling until i came..i was trying to avoid going honestly..im afraid of hospitals..and her forgetfulness scares me...i dont want to be forgotten..i have a huge fear of being forgotten and so seeing her forget me is really really hard and causes me to react without thinking..i want to yell and scream and cry but i cant ..so instead i cut..i have to make myself strong enough to manage without breaking..i have to fend off my own breakdown to make sure i am available for saarah..and im trying..im trying really really hard...i stayed at the hospital till they took her to her room...i talked to the doctors and just sat with her as she forgot me..

my birthday will be cancelled..if sarah is in the hospital then that is where my attention needs to be ..there is no time for anything else.. so it will be abother day.that i am trying to deal with safely..but again my thoughts have gone to the darkside..and i am struggling to find purpose..or anything to hold on to.

my stomach is bothering me...repeated trips to the bathroom..i missed work again today...im going to be fired if i keep missing work..there are so many more expectations laid on my head..paying wayne back now and not later..bills..saving..all financial stuff coming up and that always causes me to struggle..

im behind in work..my room is a mess..i dont feel good..im tired...im sick..im cranky..

im alone..ad right now i just need the pain..i need something else..i have to make it through the next few days...and i think silence will have to be my friend...silence and pain ...

i didnt tell anita because i was to close to crying..because i didnt know what to say..because i was sad and frustrated and upset and i didnt want to be..because my one time to myself truly was interrupted and i had to leave early which left stuff hanging for me..and so i just feel off balance...i feel vulnerable..and still like crying...i am not suicidal ..but i feel like im really close to walking that line..between being unsafe and being suicidal ...

i think i will just go ahead and take the meds and eat dinner..and lay down..

sarahs aide

i know and fully understand that sarahs aide is for her and what not but i truly do not know what i would do without her .. she checks on me as much as she checks on sarah.  she cooks and cleans and does a ton of stuff for both of us..she loves all of the cats and just is always offering care and support.  it means a heck of a lot.  it really does.

today i am proud

it may be a long long time in coming but today i am proud of myself..very proud of myself actually..i got my bank account paid off and fixed..ive paid all the bills...im going out to a party tonight with sarah and some new friends and i went out yesterday with coworkers.  i have money set aside for  the trip in oct..im feeling ok... i really am feeling ok..even though there are still a lot of feelings and things going on i am trying to make the best of it all..i had fun last night...i know ill have fun tonight..its big big things going on..who knew things would be as they are now???!!!  who knew.. and my birthday is next week so i am trying all the harder to be happy about things.. i want it to be a good day..i want it to be a good week. 

i want tacos :) 


but im also being more careful with my eating..my stomach is calming down..i know today i will be eating pizza and cake and stuff cas of the birthday party and well im included in the birthday celebrations..but im not going to over do it.  im going to try not to over do it lol... the thoughts of cutting come and go..but right now it seems i am looking for neutral terriorty with all the behaviors..im back on all of my meds...im going to work..im feeling ok..im doing stuff..little bits of stuff but still..im making friends..

i passed all the tests i had to take last week... i plan on catching up with my notes tomorrow so that i can start the week off right ! 

im feeling more positive.  i hope it sticks around. 

just thinking ..random things

i think i have been a little afraid to write since what i wrote the other day..i think i am waiting for the backlash...thinking about it i probably should have asked anita to call me after she read it or got it or whatever..i could have called her but i guess ive just been a little bit nervous about it all..and i can tell my eating is gradually slowing down from what it has been...good thing or bad thing..i truly have no idea..it really could just be that my stomach hurts so often that eating is just not high on the list of things to do...im eating smaller amounts but drinking a lot still..but i pretty much always prefer to drink things ..im always thirsty.

work has been stressful in its own way this week..ive been stuck doing tests and things for work and they are long and dull and boring..and i spend 8 hours stuck in an office staring at the walls..ugh..it is painful..

my current obsession is chicken tenders from martins...actually any food from martins ..but mostly i just get breakfast and chicken tenders for lunch..i truly am going to turn into a chicken one of these days..

things are fine with sarah of course ..we are talking a lot about my birthday and things..and what i want to do..im going out with my coworkers on friday for drink and dinner for my birthday..and then saturday sarah and i are going to a little birthday party meetup type thing...and then i have off next wed for my birthday. :)  i think im probably going to get myself some new books and movies and maybe a pair of sneakers ... my feet have been hurting so i think that is a logical thing..and im going to cash in my jar of change and maybe get some little toys from target..i want to go look back in target hehe.

it was my secret

it was my secret..mine..i was supposed to keep it..and never say anything about it..i was supposed to keep it safe and protect it and now someone else knows and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and feel like crying.. i shouldnt have said anything .. i really shouldnt have and it would have stayed a secret..

secrets can kill you..do you know that??  secrets can eat away at your insides until there is nothing lefts and then you just die and no one will care. you will be dead and no one will even know why.

go away, leave me alone

you didnt answer the question.  i didnt answer the question.  but that is answering the question.  saying nothing. refusing to answer. is like saying yes anyway. but i cant say yes.  that is bad. that is wrong.  that is dangerous.  people die from eating disorders.  people are sick and end up in the hospital from those.  its not about food.  its about control and power and thinking and feeling.

be quiet

how many times have you refused to eat ? how many times do you eat until you are sick?  how many years have gone by of carefully doing everything you can to get out of eating or to hide what you are eating or to pretend that you arent eating?  how many times have you planned it, what to eat, how to throw up just to dull out some feeling.  how many ways can you convince yourself that you are not destorying yourself one way or another.  do you hide from eating in front of other people?  do you feel like you are being watched and judged from eating?  would you not eat if it meant being liked more?  how far are you willing to go to be like everyone else?? how far do you honestly tell yourself you would go to be like everyone else?  the pills, the cutting, the hate, the shame, the guilt...why?  why are you willing to die to be what everyone else needs you to be ? the games, the i can do it better than you. i can destroy myself and i know how. i know how to do it and let it go unnoticed..ive thought about it..planned it..wanted it so so so very badly..to just go away..to just be invisible..to be silent but loved.  to be perfect in every way.  but i kept failing. i kept getting hurt. i kept believing i didnt want it enough. i wasnt trying enough. why couldnt i just be like everyone else.  im not pretty enough. im not happy enough. im not loved enough. so you keep your secrets locked up tight where no one can see how awful you are. how bad you are.  no one cas see how evil and horrible and unlucky you are.  but i can see..i can always see and no matter how many times i cut or starve or throw up or hurt myself or deny myself or hate myself..it doesnt go away.  it stays..it hides.  it pretends. it makes me believe i can be this person that doesnt exist. and i keep believing and i keep failing and i keep punishing because there is no other way.   take away all of this and im not sure i will exist anymore..maybe i never existed. there is nothing to me. just broken pieces of someone who died a long time ago and there is nothing left..whispering shadows of a very sad child, yells and screams of a very angry teenager, endless thoughts and whispers about life and living and things that are unattainable ..

you find a place where no hope exists and that is where you will find me.  lost.  stuck. afraid.

i hate you
and now you have gone and screwed up
watch what happens
just watch
you are to much to handle
you cant be helped

you will be thrown away

might as well do it yourself you know.

see what happens ..

i dont want to write. .

my thoguths are all over the place..my nerves are all over the place..im feeling quiet and sad and worried and to many things to even list. .. therapy left me a mess last week and im still not sure why..today im remembering that t said she is looking for another job ... just kill me know on that one..i regret talking to her if she is leaving :( i dont want to talk to her if she is leaving :(  

im laying down willing my stomach to hurt..willing anything to hurt ..so i dont have to go to work tomorrow..i think ive been gone so long that coming back is going to be hard...and nerve wrecking..and did i mention hard..but its a job..i have to remember that..it is only a job...it is not going to make or break me..i truly just want to make it through the end of the year and then we will see... but my motivation to succeed is back it seems...i have a lot of work ahead of me though...a lot of catching up to do..but my goal is still to keep my stress levels down...i have to...

mommy, nia, rob, and noa and back from vacation...i was worried about them and missed them...not that im telling them that..i told mommy i was concerned about her well being with being gone so long ...yeah..smooth move lol..im so silly at times...the same way i got really excited to see my doc the other day and then had to calm myself down and remind myself i dont like her...but i do like her..im just afraid to like her..ugh..the same way i like courtney and jane and anita but i cant tell them that... blah

we are going out to a movie and dinner today...i should get up but im still laying here because now im tired and want to take a nap..and playing sims...definitely playing sims ...

update sorta

ive been sick..since i guess that is the biggest news...sick and tired and achy and barfy and just kinda all around worn the heck out...maybe that is it..all the stress and worries and everything going on just made me sick..and i need to calm my nerves before i end up sick forever or something...i gotta de-stress a bit better...i know stress does contribute to my stomach issues..not eating right contributes to them also...so im working on both of those...i mean this week has been pretty low key with no work outside of the house...i have been helping sarah during the day but its not like im doing a lot...so i spend a lot of time laying down..napping..playing on the computer...i maybe should write a little bit more as there is still loads on my mind about various different things..various worries and concerns and fears..

therapy yesterday left me feeling sad..broken..anxious..i wish i had a better grasp on what we talked about that caused the shift but im not 100% sure..maybe all of it made me sad i dont know..

sick

today i am sick..like trying not to move or i feel like barfing sick..my stomach is not happy and it has been a lot of running back and forth..my body is tired.. i am tired ... and i hate feeling this badly

sigh

i cant seem to escape the triggers this week..i cant seem to escape my head..my impulsive habits are increasing and im not sure i even have the energy to care..as long as i am not dead right ??  that is the only thing that is truly cared about..i get up and go to work.do what i need..come home ..do what i need..and go to bed..every day..if i didnt show up would the world end ?? my head hurts..my chest hurts..my arms carry my screams of pain..but no one sees..its starting to get cooler again..i want to cool weather..it was mistake to find and have my razors..im sick daily now..with no end in sight..i guess i got what i wanted...i have been reminded that i am hated and worthless..and nothing will ever be different.  ill go to bed soon i guess.  i have a headache

frustration

i dont feel like im being listened to or taking seriously and it is frustrating and just very frustrating and i dont like feeling like i am not being taken seriously..i really really dont...so i go back to hiding in silence..i dont feel like there is a need to say anything when i am not being heard..so i go back to before..and exist without existing..move without moving..live without noticing..i see no point in anything else.   do enough and let the other shit go i guess..right ?!

...

just struggling this morning..a lot..i dont think i slept well last night .. i dont know what to do or what i want to do or any of that..i want to ignore my head and my thinking ..and i cant even do that ..

today...brain drain

right now mt entire body hurts :(  im trying to lay still but anything and everything is setting it off...i know i am feeling tense which isnt helping things but i also know that getting sick yesterday has caused a lot of soreness and i feel like my body wants to just fall apart...

so im in pain right now and just want to sleep but instead i am up thinking. i had a very interesting session with anita today..and my mind is once again going all over the place...

we did talk about the meet up thing and how that went and she said she was proud of me ... we did the usual updates and things and then we talked about eating and making friends sorta and things ...and i am left thinking way to much about things...i took an anxiety med just to get myself to calm down and not panic... so yeah ...

what i remember most ..and im paraphrasing here..so..

the child who made all those coping skills is not the adult you are now. the adult now just cant let go of the childs coping skills..

talk about a brain stopper!  i truly think that my brain stopped working for a bit after hearing that one..its such a loaded statement..and true in ways too...the stuff that worked for me as a kid and as a young adult..no longer work the same now...i keep trying ..i keep going back to them..and every time i am disappointed that i can not reach that same empty feeling where nothing matters..but letting them go fully terrifies me..i dont know who i am without them..i dont know how to cope ... ok so maybe that last bit isnt completely true..i can cope ... i just fall immediately into the negative coping skills..and end up no better than when i started... my mind keeps throwing this around ..i want to analyze it..i want to break it apart and see what becomes of it..  maybe i just need to acknowledge that i am truly an adult and not a kid anymore...i wrote a little about it on facebook and one of the responses said "its safer being an adult"  and i kept rereading it becuase my first thought was no its not...its safer being a kid...kids are protected..they are taken care of..they are loved...obviously my own little magical world supplied the answers to that statement because if im being logical i know that is not always the case ..and that makes me really really sad... i wasnt protected back then and i dont know how to protect myself now...i neeed someone else to do it...i want someone else to do it..and it goes back to truly wanting a mother...and that need not being filled..and i just feel sad..

with the eating though things are a little bit different...and today while we were talking i was trying to think about it all..and i was thinking long term stuff..past stuff..not current stuff..and i know having to give up gluten was the trigger..and it has just grown from there..and i had forgotten about that..because when i did that i was scared..and unsure of things..but messing with my eating is something i am familiar with..so taking stuff out was ok...but then it changed to being a punishment and even then i didnt realize that i was beginning to fall back into an old pattern of messing with my food...but it became im eating purely to get sick..im eating to stop thinking..im eating because im mad..its never about whether or not i actually want the food or if i even like the food or well enjoy it..its like eat as quickly as possible..overeat...feel sick..get sick..and then do it all over again..because if i am sick from eating and it is just my stomach not agreeing with something then its not really me doing it on purpose.  maybe that is what it would look like to someone looking in..but i know that it is on purpose..it is to punish..to cause pain...to hurt..to zone out..to not think or feel..but right now i am acutely aware of my body and i hate it..the old thoughts and feelings of hating myself are hanging around..all centered around food..why do i have to eat..why cant i lose weight..why cant i be better..look better..be wanted...why why why..and i am reminded of just how deep the hate still goes...back when i was younger mommy wouldnt let me eat..so i ate when she wasnt around an then threw up so that she wouldnt yell at me..so i wouldnt be in trouble.. sometimes the thoughts centered around losing weight..i was positive i wasnt doing any harm because i caould stop and start it at will..i didnt do it all the time so it wasnt dangerous..this was my thinking it middle school..i guess i peg that as the time it kinda started..it may have been the tail end of elementary school ..i dont know..but being aware of my self was nothing that i liked..i was bullied i guess in school for a few reasons..i read alot..i had an accent..i was overweight..i didnt make friends easy..i dont think i really made friends at all..but i was always trying to fit in..and i couldnt ..i think ive been taking out my anger on myself for a really long time actually..and right now that makes me sad too...so i got older..the binging and purging continued..off and on...i researched..i learned what was easy to throw up and what wasnt...i learned stupid facts .. that eating but not throwing up within an hour meant you had failed..and throwing up wouldnt even matter...ice was a food group..junk food was fine as long as you drank a ton of water or something...so on an so forth..it amazes me that i can still remember all these rules and these things that i had to do..not so that i would like myself ..but so that i would be like everyone else...i was compared to other people so much that i just hate who i am..i hate everything about me and wish to be anyone else..because then ill be liked..and loved..it was really bad in college..the binging and purging..well everything was kinda bad in college..but i was throwing up a lot..i was alone a lot...i didnt make friends in college..well except for yvonne and i truly dont know how we became friends..or how she has managed to stick around ..but she has..i was a master hider while i was in college..and after i left college to.. i said nothing..i did nothing to draw attention to myself..i was perfecting the art of being invisible..i lived alone off and on..and when alone my behaviors would get out of control and then calm down..a continuous cycle that never really ended..it was one or the other..cutting or purging..occasionally burning.. all things that hurt me in some way..all things that could be hidden...i had to know what i could handle..how far i could go...i would get as low as i could get and then refuse the hospital because of fear..because i didnt want anyone to know i wasnt okay.. i had to be okay.. i had to manage and deal with it and never say anything...i was terrified of being in therapy because i felt like i was to much to handle...that i would talk about all this stuff and end up having a nervous breakdown...i was told more than once by therapist that i was to much to handle or that i only focused on the negative stuff..and i believed them just as i believed mommy...there was something wrong with me that no one could fix..not therapy..not medication..certainly not the hospital..and all this time i was in and out of therapy..but i wouldnt truly admit to anything..i wanted up but refused to accept it..and fought against it..i made myself believe i was fine but i guess i knew that wasnt completely true either..because wanting to die and being suicidal and thinking of plans and overdosing on pills and getting ahold of different medicines  and taking them..i did want to die..i wasnt supposed to make it past 18..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21...every few years a new plan developed that i did not go threw with..and every year i wonder why im still alive...ive done everything i can to destroy myself...why am i still here? it was never about attention...like it wasnt attention seeking behaviors because i guarded my secrets with my life...i guarded my self destruction with my life..i wouldnt say anything .. i was positive no therapist would be able to make me crack..i made the therapist do all the work and i sat quietly and wouldnt look at them...i was an awful client to put it nicely..how can it be a cry for help when no one knows your crying ? or that you need help? no i was always fine. that was the only option really.

when did things change ?? when did i notice them changing?  when did i start listening and paying attention?  it was a gradual shift i guess...a very very slow gradual shift.. maybe it solidified into something solid when i met sarah..hmm i dont remember when i actually started with anita but i know i went to see her determined to not like her..and here i am a few years later actually talking about things with her..there are still a lot of struggles but no i am not where i was before..and that is surprising...i still have thoughts about things and still struggle to maintain control of myself and curb the negative behaviors..but im not a walking death wish anymore.. i made it through a hell of a lot of craptastic stuff both in the past and in the past 2 or 3 years..and some how im still here...i owe everyone a crap load of money but im still here...interesting isnt it...

ok i think thats enough for today.

struggling to accepts some things ...

i think therapy on monday has left me feeling vulnerable..scared...there are a lot of thoughts in my head and im not sure i have the answers for them at all...

this has been a tough week with work and im frustrated and just worn out..

i think im worrying a lot ... im not eating right and have been getting sick daily...and things are feeling out of control..and i dont know how to bring things back into my control ..

today sucks

everything has turned into sucking mode...i dont know if its my mood just being weird or if today just truly sucked.i dont feel good..my stomach hurts...im stressing about giving mommy money and getting my car fixed and saving for vacation..im worried and frustrated about my notes being late..im back to handwriting them and its taking me forever..im trying my hardest to catch up and do them and it seems i just keep falling behind..im overwhelmed to the point of tears and i forgot my meds thins morning..ok it wasnt i forget it was more like ill be ok without the meds..and my head is pounding and life sucks and yes i just want to cry...and no i dont need to not take the meds ... -sigh-  im off to hate everything

feeling gross

-sigh-  my eating is not so much over eating as just eating the wrong stuff....sandwiches are my big thing right now..and i swear i eat them daily...and im beginning to feel like heavy..like i dont know its weird...im just so tired lately...ok playing the sims until midnight did not help anything at all...but i am feeling like i am running low on energy this week...and highly distracted. ugh

the anxiety is way up..im picking my fingers apart...something is up but i dont know what it is... 

weekend

this has been a pretty good weekend ... relaxing ... ive been having some mood issues and have been feeling really angry and frustrated with things...i dont know why .. it was pretty bad on friday..but its eased up a little bit since then..but i got a lot of sleep.. like serious almost 5 hour nap today! which is why im still up right now lol..but i did laundry today and sarah and i went out for lunch and it was so good..i love going to chilis ! and i even got desert! my stomach is a little upset right now but i wouldnt trade today for anything..it was a nice day.  yesterday i went to the grocery store and im really not sure what i bought lol..i got waffles...a lot of waffles !   right now i just want sandwiches and well waffles ... i think my anxiety is up and thats when i end up eating the same things over and over...maybe ... im not eating completely gluten free right now...im trying to decide what i want to do with my eating..like i felt better not having gluten..i truly did ..but trying to stop this time around is so much harder...but i think if i can manage not to go overboard..i can manage..maybe not but ill have to see...im gonna be working on not getting fast food this week..and if i do good then we can go out for dinner ot something over the weekend.  i may need to leave my money at home !!! but i pack my lunch and things so i should be ok..just gonna have to remember to make myself eat in the morning before going to work...that is my downfall..and taking all the meds on an empty stomach makes me sick so i end up stopping and picking something up..but i know i am relying way to much on fast food ..

but i am having an issue with my side again...its a pain that comes and goes..sometimes its really bad and it hurts to move even a little bit..and sometimes its like a little twinge that im aware of but can work around ...every time it happens i get scared that its like my appendix or something..but all i get is the random pain..no fever, or vomiting or anything else..the area isnt swollen and if i press on my side it doesnt really hurt...im going to call my doc this week and talk to her about it. because im really not sure what to do..should i be more concerned?   i thought it was from like sleeping wrong or something ..because it is always my right side...sometimes lower and closer to my hip hurts and yesterday it was a bit higher and was radiating around my back and stomach when i moved...im a little concerned..but again i may not be as concerned as i need to be..ive explained away some serious medical stuff as nothing important..and i ended up in the stupid hospital...so ill call my doc and see what she can tell me..i refuse to look up anything on webmd because then ill just convince myself that im dying ..

oh and we are getting a kitten on wednesday...sarah said i can call him gizmo :)  im gonna go shopping for him on tuesday when i get off of work..im excited about the kitten but nervous to because well bounce and kai are possibly not going to enjoy a little ball of fluff...maybe they will..but hopefully they dont kill each other!! bounce is getting older and kai has so much energy..maybe a kitten will be good for him.

im moving the trip back a little bit and its going to be at the end of october now..which is fine..it will be cooler! and ill have more time to put money aside..hotels are not cheap lol..but it will just be less stressful planning and everything when i have more time and money to work with...so the trip will be in oct now..for sure lol..

but tomorrow is monday..back to the work week...tomorrow is anita too. hopefully this week is a bit less stressful than last week!

anxious

i dont know why im feeling so anxious but i am..im picking at everything..im nervous and shakey..i dont know..im very nervous actually ..but im just laying down..why am i nervous? im something..i dont know what..but its making the anxiousness worse..im getting a headache and i want to sleep but of course im very awake right now...ugh

Ugh

Im so frustrated and i dont know why

update...

its been a couple days and i have begun to calm down...sarah should be coming home today...im working on my late notes and well things will be right with the world again..well mostly right with the world because it is still freaking hot and im sure everytime i go outside, i die a little bit !

seeing anita yesterday helped a lot and well she helped me some of the illogicalness of my idea to be put in the hospital...we talked about eating stuff and im not sure how it came up but i know i didnt plan to talk about it at all ..i never want to talk about that part of things because it is embarrassing and gross and i dont know...im trying to be careful with all the 'i said to much and need to be punished thoughts' ..my eating has been awful though..yesterday and monday...ugh

ill be drowning myself in notes today and tomorrow to get everything down.. i dont plan on them holding my paycheck at all ...

but well i guess its just a week then...a lot going on this week...

logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...

sigh

this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..

ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that?  i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :(  the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..

but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..

i dont know how i feel

right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...

sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...

im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ?  how am i suposed to take care of myself ?  there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..

its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control...  i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...

my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..

i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all

struggling ..in weird ways

im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out


skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours

things ive done to avoid hurting myself

ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.

.......

im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away?  no i dont understand that at all ..

.....

i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!!  because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??

my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think. 

sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...

this week

i am just tired

closure

maybe i am the one that needs closure...i need to say goodbye..i need to acknowledge her..something..anything..

i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now.  its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp?  do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step...  i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless

docs and ugh

so i saw all three docs today...i dont know what i was thinking but i did it..

med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh

reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it...  (update though -  my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped)  ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..

the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..

then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ?  i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her?  its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better?  would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but  i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...

vacation

 spent this past weekend at nias and it was good to get away..sarah and curvon came.  we went to the movies, and the giant arcade, we went out to eat and shopping, we went to sweet frog and had family night. it was great.  it was busy. it was loud. but i still wish we could have stayed longer..next time it will be for longer! i think it will be christmas before we are able to visit again .  but we will see..

did i mention we had sweet frog ?!?!?!

i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...

not doing good tonight

my head is spinning...im feeling to much and trying to fight against all of it..my head hurts..and it feels like i am trying to turn off my brain but its not working.its going to short circuit itsself out..why couldnt i just keep quiet and not say anything ..but i brought up adoption and my sister today..and i knew it is upsetting but i didnt realize just how much..like i feel worse after therapy than i did before it..too many thoughts going in my head and i cant put them into words..i messaged sarah beefore heading home because my thoughts were all over the place and i couldnt focus..i was going to sit in the parking lot forever and think..sarah got me home..and i laid down and fell asleep. i didnt mean to go to sleep..im writing now to try to ease some of the anxiety and pressure in my head..i cant seem to process everything from therapy today..i barely remember it..and that frustrates me..im just going to go back to sleep for tonight..i know im not thinking clearly and i know i want an escape from myself..sleep is safe .

anniversaries..

it is the time of year again that i become consumed with the past.with thoughts of my sister..a person i dont remember or know but still i grieve for her.  it happened almost 30 years ago and still i can only wonder where she is buried, if my birth parents know, if anyone else remembers her. so many questions and no answers.  i cant even visit her if i wanted too..every year i wonder if this will be the year i ask mommy where she is buried so that i can visit her..and each year i dont do it..im afraid..im afraid that i will forget her permantntly. that without me trying so hard to remember her, she will just disappear..as if she never was.  i think growing up i was glad she had died so that she didnt have too experience what i was experiencing..i was angry that she left me alone and i had to experience it on my own..and i am guilty for killing her and then forgetting her. i should be punished..i feel like i should be punished for not remembering, for her not being here.i do punish myself still for these thoughts and feelings.

i have her obituary..i found it when i moved.  i knew i had it but cuold never remember where i had put it. i find it and often lose it again.  it must stay hidden though because im not supposed to have it..mommy would not be happy i guess to know that i have it..but finding it again a few months ago was like finding proof that she existed..that i am not making her up. she was truly here..and she died..she left me..

being adopted, having and losing her, and knowing who i am is all connected in some ways..i wonder about my real family i guess..i wonder how different my life could have been..i wonder how its possible to not be wanted by two different families..and i feel so alone..like i truly have never ever fit in..not even from the beginning..i wasnt wanted


i think that is enough for now.anxiety is rising quickly..

stressed

i truly think the stress of everything is causing my stomach issues to be worse again...ive been eating gluten yes but not a lot like a couple weeks ago...work stress..the world stress..am i safe stress..all of it..i dont know...i dont feel safe..

Lost time maybe

Im sitting here thinking about the past couple days..well trying to and my mind drifts..i forget...and just keep sitting..i feel off..this has been a really stressful week though..and maybe im trying to destress but i feel more anxious and out of it with each passing day...today feels worse than yesterday...im not sure what ive been doing..sarah keeps asking and i keep telling her i dont know or im not sure..i have to be doing something..time keeps passing...was i reading or playing cards...did i take a nap or watch netflix? I cant keep a consistent flow of  consciousness..it gets broken somwhow and then i hear the negative thoughts..yesterday it was crashing my car..today its drowning in the bathtub...like just thinking about them..doing them..but i cant stick to a plan..its like they keep slipping out of my grasp..i keep trying to find something to cling to and nothing is there..i tjink my coworker leaving as brought up abandonment issues...i told her i was mad at her for leaving ..thinking about it makes me tear up...i am an adult right? Why is tjis so hard..things are beginning to get down and all im doing is watching because I don't know whay to do...my head hurts really a lot..i think ive missed taking the meds for a couple days...i took  them today..my brain feels slow..my thinking is slow...im not mYself but i dont know where i have gone.

yesterday was a bad bad day at work

i kept getting yelled at ...all this week ive been getting yelled at for something ..stupid stuff...they are not letting us do our jobs... and it took a while to calm down the tears..and then i ended up frustrated again..and just couldnt focus on completing notes..i was on sign out yesterday..note to do..and was with the client who likes to flip over her wheelchair..they made me switch rooms and she was not happy and so i couldnt get anything done at all..i was a mess..i mean they are yelling at me because i let a client use all the stickers and im being wasteful..it was a client who hasnt been wanting to participate in anything..and finally she does something and they demand i take the stickers back..wtf...i didnt and she took her picture home...given i didnt give her all the stickers...she happened to be sitting with them and i was otherwise occupied and she kept adding things to her picture...because im not coming up with enough activities..because i let a client use a canvas with someone elses name drawn on it in pencil, that has been in there forever...i let a client color on a stack of construction paper and am again being wasteful..i do come up with activities..i have given her lists of supplies that i need..and have received nothing..but im told there is stuff upstairs...ok but im expected to stay with the clients and keep them busy and they hide activities upstairs and then swear we arent doing anything...yesterday was just too much :( i did get hugs from the two im trying to attach to..which did nothing to help the attachment issues but did make me feel a little bit better..im up now trying to work on missing notes...but again ..im feeling so down and upset that i just dont want to even show up...but i guess they would be expecting that...so ill show up...but the enjoyment is slipping away...im trying to be a team player..i do what im asked to do..and then some...and somehow i end up being yelled at...i dont understand it at all..and i hate that i started crying ..i left at 4 yesterday...no staying late for anything and i didnt finish my notes either..right now i dont care if im taken off the schedule..im tired .... and they will be the ones struggling with coverage...not me..i wont get paid ..but ill manage...  and i feel bad for even thinking that.... but yesterday i was feeling the urges to cut very strongly..i was really hurt and upset..and if im getting to that point then something is wrong...maybe this week is just a rough one...but im ready for friday at 4...i just want to go home..and stay home...

sarah totally made me feel better though because my new kindle showed up and i got to play with it..

blahish day

my stomach has not been happy today and i have not been nice to it at all so i am guessing that this qas going to happen and i would suffer for it...well i knew it would happen...as i caused it....but again i am convincing myself that i dont have to take out my anxiety or sad feelings or whatever with food...or eat foods i know make me sick so that ill be sick....am i lacking attention?  i went bowling at work on friday..and i was so hurt when no one told me good job..like really hurt..but when someone did..it was like the best thing ever....craving more attention..and still trying to attach to my coworkers...i hope my stomach settles a bit before i have to go to work tomorrow...ugh..but ill be testing all day tomorrow so i wont even be on the floor..but being stuck in a hot office and bored to death with not make tomorrow any easier...but hey no note writing if im not with the clients..and for that i am happy..i finally see anita tomorrow..and prolly have to make a stop at the store before coming home...and tuesday is sarahs birthday...and noa called me today to ask if i would take her to see the trolls movie :)  i swore she said train museum lol..but that will be something we can do when i go down there...i cant wait..my thoughts are a bit jumpy tonight and i really wish the weekend was a bit longer...i packed my lunch for tomorrow already...a sandwich, chips, grapes, and fruit snacks...good and simple...i eat so much better during the week than on the weekends but lately all my eating is kinda bad in that im eating stuff with wheat in it...and that is going to have to stop because it is making me sick...like bathroom accidents sick..and im beginning to feel miserable with all of it..im gonna go lay down for a little bit ...feeling antsy for some reason...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson"

wow wow wow

this week has been ridiculous !!  work has been crazy...like someone contaminated the water crazy...ugh..i was so freaked out on tuesday because one of the clients had a seizure and i responded first ..and he is ok..but i just worry so easily...

today was a better day at work though..this weather is irking my nerves because its so so so hot and sticky and humid and gross..and i get so cranky when im hot..i dont mean to be but im just not comfortable ..

but the coolest thing ever is that ive found the computer i want to get sarah...i cant show her mine because its like the one she is getting ..im going to pick it up on friday..im pretty proud of myself for being able to get me a computer for work stuff and sarah a computer for her birthday...im proud of myself for working ...and having money and being able to pay things..and this month is also involving a trip to south carolina..and everything...so yep pretty cool stuff going on.

its hard though at the same time some days...my mood is all over the place and ive been sleeping a lot...i want to talk to anita but i wont see her until monday..im trying to be patient and not call her or bother her..i keep telling myself i can manage ... i hope..still using food as a weapon against myself and as a result my stomach is more often than not upset these days..i want to join the rec center that we go to with work..and go and walk the track in the evenings or something..its a small place so maybe i will look into it..

Wow things have changed

I truly like this picture of myself... I can say that with feeling immense hate..without thinking about everything wrong with myself...

When I took the picture I was in an ok mood..i was at work..playing around iñ the bathroom while waiting for a coworking..nothing special going on..

As I posted the picture on facebook..i realized I actually liked it...no strings attached..i still feel a bit detached from it though and I guess that might be odd..i mean it's a picture of me..but at the same time the connection is not there..maybe I just made this so confusing lol

Ok I like the picture..thats the overall message .