ugh

My stomach is being a pain today...I ate my lunch and for some reason my stomach is incredibly upset..I ate the same thing last night and my stomach wasn't upset...geez..I hate how my stomach picks and chooses what is ok to eat and what isn't...

I seem  be on a corn kick..No idea why but suddenly all I want to eat  is corn...I was craving fried chicken but I made that yesterday so I'm good on that..but no corn is taking over..weirdness extreme..

I'm super bored at work and did I mention I'm bored..  want to coo  way to many different things..And no time or space..I am going to throw the rice away though..  I don't like it and normally I do like the chicken wild rice..but for some reason I don't this time...I think I'll do the chicken and sweet potatoes bake thing tomorrow morning...And I ended up saying something to tramaine about my food ..because she and her company came in last night and ate my food..  don't understand because she has food but sees fit to keep eating mine .. it frustrates me..And she was just like I understand..And it's crazy because there is nothing to understand..it's freaking mine...Ugh..undue stress

I'm going to have to go to the store...I need cat food..Maybe I'll pick up the stuff for the macaroni and beef thing..it looks so good! So that and my cinnamon rolls are next for cooking...

I was a little frustrated this morning with Sarah
..but we talked about it..who knew communication could actually be a good thing...

It's looking more and more  like I'll be applying for that other job..if.  want to be able to do anything I need more money coming in...I'm making needs meet right now..for the most part..it's a struggle though..an  I need to get back on my meds before I try to kill myself or something....And that is an additional 70+ dollars..Ugh everything is so frustrating..I'm trying to just keep my head above water...blah way touch to think about..

I'm at work..I've really saved gas  this week lol..tomorrow I'll have to drive of course..but I've barely driven this week..the water was on this morning..we left it running all night and that worked..but the house manager came and picked me up an  My coworker is going to be taking me home tonight..so they managed to get me to work..I was really hoping for a snow day of doing nothing!! But no I'm at work..but thankfully I don't have to spend the night..My hours are kind of sucky this week..I'll end up missing a day..blah..I'm trying hard  to make sure I get my 40 hours a week...pretty soon though days off will be a thing of the past with two jobs...Ugh...oh well ..some how something will work out..I hope..I hate having two jobs...I end up getting careless and there is no time to distress at all...I really need to think about this..big time...

writing..reflections ...boredom

so i ended up not going to work today because of the water issue and well i wanted to take a shower..they came and looked at it in the early afternoon and it was back on like 3 hours later..im currently trying to do laundry and what not while i have the chance and while i have the apartment to myself...i did my hair and ive cleaned up my room finally...taji has been peeing on everything and so it is a pain and i needed to mop the floor so that it would not smell like her personal bathroom pit stop anymore...but for the most part my room is in wonderful order and it smells like apples ... i love that cleaning stuff...it smells really good...but generally its been a pretty i dont know sort of day..woke up angry..and pissed off..found out about the water not working and just kind of stayed pissed off...so i ended up calling out from work..and now ive been asked to do a double tomorrow...and i said i would if the weather permits...if i wake up in the morning and there is a couple inches of snow on the ground im not going in..and i let her know that..ive already told her that i cant drive in the show and im not comfortable doing it..so we will see how the weather holds up..just in case i am bringing extra stuff with me..and food of course since i will be there all freaking day..ugh..that is going to suck horribly..but ill get all my hours for the week..and the schedule for next week is actually already out and im going to be off all weekend..yay...im gonna just hang out at sarahs of  course for the weekend..and maybe my mood will hold out...im considering my medicine and how i can get it filled..not sure ill be getting anything at all back from taxes because of some random medical bill i have that i dont even remember..essh..but im just not even counting on that one anymore..so on to my next plan...sadly ive come to the decision that i will not be going to see nia at all for now..not until i can get them paid back...and so that means no visiting ...because it would be hellishly wrong to visit knowing i owe them a bounce of money and what not..so to avoid that ..ill be paying them back first..which means no visiting anyone or going anywhere and that just makes me sad...i know i just should work on working and paying bills but that is all i do..i work so freaking much..and have nothing to show for it at all...so not being able to go anywhere just really makes me sad...there is not really anything to look forward too..the months will pass and there will be nothing of interest going on...maybe ill be able to go and see wayne and the boys and courtney when the baby is born for a couple days...i just feel like im missing out on everything..and it triggers the depression in an even bigger way..im trying to hang on..and deal with it...but the sadness wins out...the overload on criminal minds may not be helping at all..but dang it..im addicted ...maybe ill take my prescriptions to walmart and see how much they cost...get back some of them..a few at a time...i know i need to be on all of them..both the ones for physical stuff and mental stuff..but if i cant get the mental stuff under control better then i wont be willing to take the other ones at all ..because i tend to get hooked on the i am fine thinking and well if i think im fine then no amount of trying to convince me otherwise will work..right now my self care is lacking a lot..ok im pretty much not doing it in any way at all...again ..knowing i should and actually doing it are not the same thing..so i go up and down with my moods and well the outcome is that i lay in bed and only get up when im stuck going to work..shoot half the time im at sarahs im laying down ..ha sometimes laying down is fun..but sometimes im really truly just laying down to lay down..blah..depressing stuff today it seems ... i dont know..head is in a weird random and disjointed place tonight...i think im getting more agitated for some reason..i dont know ...maybe if the weather holds ..i can take some of my prescriptions in somewhere and see how much they will cost...i should go check my laundry ... this wifi thing though may be a huge lifesaver !! i can be online a little bit..well ill only use it on days that im not working of course..but i get to be online..and use my computer again..and that keeps me a little bit busier...hmmm ok ..kitchen to cook and clean and then more crimnal minds and wasting time so that ill go to bed early hopefully so i can get up at 5am tomorrow to go to work...

who saves the day?

you know ..i watch all of these shows..svu, csi, criminal minds, etc...knowing that to many at once is an overload and will cause some adverse reactions...but i keep watching them..over and over i watch them..my current show in criminal minds...but if i know the shows are a trigger ..why do i put myself through it over and over again..what is the point exactly???

ive watched 5 episodes of criminal minds in a row today..and im at the point now where i need to stop watching..for my own sanity..but the last episode was about a kid who had been kidnapped..you go through all the stasistics about how after a certain number of hours the ability to find the child alive like get cut in half ... but they found her...she will need therapy for the rest of her life but they found her..unharmed..and was able to give her back to her parents...thats the important piece..they are saving these people...kids and adults who get caught up in some messed up things..and things shows are based on life..i cant watch them and just think oh this will never happen..its to far fetched..who would steal a kid or sale a kid ..so on and so forth...i watch the shows because i know that they will catch the bad guys..i need to see them catch the bad guys..its really important to me...its because they go looking for these kids and people and do everything that can to make things right ...they care and they support ..

and i go back to wishing my life could have been a tv show..where i am lost and found all in 60 mins...that there is a way to let go of the bad stuff and move on...but thats not my life..no i was lost in the cracks and left to my own defenses ..and i am where i am now..and the old questions still plague me...what did i ever do ?  how come i couldnt pick my parents?  why did i end up with two sets of parents who didnt want me?  but there was no one looking for me or helping me..and so here i am..all broken and useless .. waiting to be saved..still waiting ...

therapy...conversation

we actually talked a little bit about what it would be like if I went to the hospital...t said she would feel sorry for them if I was there...not because I'm bad..but because I know the field ..I know what to say and how to say it..I would be in there teaching them what they are supposed to do...And she is right... I can talk them out of putting me in the hospital..And t and pdoc both know that I can...but t told me that the world needed me out of the hospital and that she didn't want to see me there. That means a heck of a lot.

on overload

My brain is overloaded right now..I'm feeling anxious and tearful...I did see Anita today and we talked about what's been going on and I told her what has been kind of going on and how I've been..but I haven't been able to track my moods and my journal has no time of reference..so that wasn't so helpful..but I've asked to journal daily and to write about the touch thing when it happens and stuff...so that is ok..we talked a lot actually about the touch thing since I did bring it up..I'm not sure why I brought it up but I did...so we talked..I worked on my journal more too...still not finished though...Anita mentioned that I may be trying to hard to make it all fit together..And she is right..I'm slowly losing the ability to look at it objectively...it's hard..there is so much pain and sadness and it is hard to ignore it when I'm sitting there reading it all...so that is going slow...really slow..talked about work and everything..And a general check in...I forgot to mention that I'm starting to have trouble sleeping..And bad dreams about death again...there is never enough time during the session..seriously...

After leaving her..I was feeling ok.but gradually my mood has gone down a lot...I feel like crying and I'm tired of so much..My head refuses to stop hurting and I really don't want to be at work...it's to hard and I'm thinking to much..I want to be left alone and that can't happen at work...Maybe I won't do anything tomorrow ...Just lay down and not do anything...I don't know..

well

I am much calmer...ready to go home..but I am definitely calmer..And with the calm have come some latent turned on feelings..can we say bad timing extreme!! Hmmm maybe I'll look  up a couple of my stories that I like reading...Ok so off track..tonight at work was actually ok
..all things considered..Thank heavens tomorrow I see Anita..I think I need to talk or not talk..My feelings are mixing themselves up big time...And hiding and Pretending are the game changers of course..My brain is skipping around majority..I  thinking about today, tomorrow, and Tuesday..  I want to cook so much on Tuesday and I think I will..I. Just sure what I want to cook..I keep changing my mind..I want to spend the day watching criminal minds and cooking...nothing that requires much thinking ..Just for a day...Maybe I'll sleep...who knows...I really should focus on tonight..goodness...Umm get through tonight..that's the goal...I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here..

Breathe
Keep breathing
Get up and go to work
That is the plan
Make sure it happens

badbadbad

Something is really wrong and I guess it started sometime yesterday..feeling way to much ..I keep falling asleep..And then bad dreams are what chased me away from trying to keep laying down...all. dreams ending in my death I guess..a very big difference from the night before where I was just super excited...My head hurts and trying hard not to cry..Maybe I'll put on cartoons or something...feeling incredibly vulnerable and sad and fragile..the ability to manage properly is leaving me very quickly..right now I just want to hide some where...self destruction is becoming an issue...My thoughts are jumbled. I can't think straight and.  I would prefer if the crying stopped..Maybe I'll just sit in the darrk and think about nothing and everything..And hope nothing happens...

a lot going on...sorta

Ok this may be crazy long..I guess I'll  start with the current stuff and work my way back...currently my stomach is going crazy..the past couple weeks I guess, almost everything I eat is upsetting my stomach...And its just a pain constantly running to the bathroom..I need to figure out what is causing it..because I'm  once again having stomach issues and I don't like it at all...it's been happening almost daily..it's not fun..if it keeps up I may end up making an appointment to see the doc...

Also for like the past couple weeks I've been getting really bad cramps but no actual period...I'm not sure the aleeve is helping..but I'm starting to feel pretty crummy physically..I'm not really sure what is going on ...so I'm gonna go back to fixing my meals an  not eating out so much...I  still pretty good with decreasing the soda...only like once or twice a week..And not massive amounts..so better on that..but I'm gonna have to figure out what is causing my stomach to stay so upset...it hurts..And I end up not feeling good..And last weekend I wasnt feeling good at all..Sunday ended up with me spending most of the day laying down and sleeping..but gradually as the day went on I started to feel better ..And I was over at Sarah's and not by myself...I can't remember the last time I willingly let someone else take care of me..but it was nice to be able to let go of things for a little while...

Things at work are pretty much the same..working a hell of a lot for not much of a paycheck..but I'm surviving I guess...I'm looking for a new job..And I really just want stability so bad..where I know my hours and when I'll work and all of that...And physically feeling so crummy has me just wishing I could take a few days off of work..Just to have some down time...but I can't afford to do that..so I'll keep coming to work not feeling the greatest..

I think  today my mood is going crazy ..I'm ok and then just as quickly not ok..My brain hurts and I'm tired and well not feeling good..I want to be left alone but not alone ...Ugh...I'm just feeling off..really really off..I missed seeing Anita this week..not a good idea..I don't even remember now why I ended up cancelling..but I'm scheduled for next week so that will work out...

Yesterday ended up with me feeling really anxious..I know this because I was picking at my feet..And yes picking my feet apart is just as bad as picking at my fingers..I need to pay more attention to my feet if I  managing to pick at them...but I ended up upset yesterday morning about something with Sarah but I actually told her I was upset and later sad...it was just triggering in a big way..thankfully it ran it's course..I used my coping skills and calmed down..even managed to no  hang on to the sad feelings...dinner and flowers were an unexpected perk...but I loved them.

Right now I'm hoping that I don't end up in a not good place again...I'm started to get that rocky things aren't  Ok feeling....I don't know

heading into a bad place

I have no idea why or what has really caused this particular downward spiral...I don't want to be bothered..I feel like crying because I am so upset and I don't know what about...How can I fix what is wrong if I don't even know..I was ok I thought I was ok but I'm not..I just want to go and hide at home...I don't want to be around anyone..I just want to lay down and not have to do anything...I don't know what is wrong..but I can't stop it...I don't know how..

well...

Things are going ok right now...they really are..I'm trying to manage and I did throw out the razors..they are completely gone now since I took out the trash this morning..I was once again stuck cleaning up the kitchen..but oh well...I cleaned up and went to get toilet paper and paper towel..I asked her to get some but she never answered my text so I see no point in waiting for her..I don't plan on running out of stuff for her benefit..so I went to the store and picked some up..I got sandwich stuff and I got some water and sugar free mixes..And some cereal...surprisingly I didn't want any snacks..I got some chickfila and it made me sick...Ugh...I'm going to be able to get my meds by the end of the month..I finished my taxes for the most part and will be getting a small amount back...so that will help out with bills and maybe I can get something that I want ...who knows...I'll see...but I will be able to get caught up on the stupid water bill..I found out that I may be taken off of the schedule because of my transcripts and right now I don't even care..I'm tired and I'm trying to get my transcripts from my other job and they aren't sending them..I've been emailing for weeks and something keeps coming up...so I guess I'll be off the schedule...I'm trying hard to care...but the need for a few days off is much needed...Just a couple days or something of no stress...so next Wed I'll know for sure...but me being taken off the schedule gives me time to look for another job..I've talked to my supervisor about the current financial struggle and they are going to take me off?!?! Yeah that makes sense...

I'm off on Saturday though..And that is pretty exciting...I've gotten all but one thing for Sarah and hopefully she likes it..we are going to the movies and out to eat..Marcia is going to but that's ok..because in April we will be gone for a week..not the most private place but just getting away...so it will be ok...we make it work..And I like doing things that makes Sarah happy..which is a totally different conversation...

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor tomorrow..I don't want to go..And if something happens I'm technically at the clinic each week anyway..I can make another appointment...

But like I said..getting through Feb is the important thing...And then maybe things will get a bit easier...hopefully

pretending, hiding, masks...

The mask I wear is constant..immediate..I still rely on it to hide from everyone..to hide from the world...it is still firmly in place..after all these years..I can't seem to let it go for long...I got my evaluation at work on Friday and it is making me anxious..the last job I had..I literally lost my job like a few days after the evaluation was done..so I'm a little bit freaked...I got a good evaluation...I was told I am positive and what not all the time..And I looked at her lime she had lost her mind..I told her I thought I was going to be fired..I didn't tell her that often I come to work suicidal or stressed to the point of crying..or feeling afraid and all the recent cutting....but that isn't for anyone to know and so the mask stays in place..it's hard and tiring and that is why I guess the isolation is still so important..I get tired of pretending that I have things all together..because then no one believes me when things have fallen apart..I never act sad..I get very quiet..but I blame my off days on being tired or not feeling well..those are acceptable answers..I'm depressed and suicidal..or anxious are not acceptable..not to mention I would most likely be fired..because I'm completely crazy and make stupid choices and get myself in trouble and I just want to scream some days when I can't get my head  to work correctly.. I want to be something ..someone..anything that I'm not..I'm not good enough..but  I don't know what parts of me are acceptable..I'm stuck..the I hate myself thinking is alive and well..I hate that I can't die..I hate that I can't be better..be more..be what or who people think I need to be...And that quickly the thoughts have turned back to cutting..to punish..to hurt..because I am just kidding myself with everything and I will keep disappointing everyone and just be awful forever...it's not fair..but that is nothing new..I've spent my whole life wishing to be someone else..someone pretty and liked..but instead I look in the mirror and see myself and I hate me..except speaking in 3rd person makes it turn into I hate you..a constant attack ..a constant thought..having someone..a voice sitting behind me..constantly telling me that I'm stupid and awful and that I should have died a long time ago..that cutting helps..that I can take pills or drink or burn or purge until I feel better...I van destroy myself because no one will notice..no  one will care...and  it will be to late for help because I will gone .

I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to no  think about dying or hurting or any of it..to just have peace and quiet for a while..to be ok..to not go up and down with the moods..to just be ..to be present without fear or wondering..but that is mot for me ...I'm giving up on finding peace or quietness
I want the silence..I want to not be afraid that I'm going to wake up and try to kill myself...Just to be ok...

I have to remember..I have to fight to remember that I'm not alone..that,Sarah is with me..And that I need to trust her to not go away.that I can't drive her away..that she loves me..

I gotta go

im tired

Yesterday was a hard day...My anxiety was really high...I had my work evaluation done..And got my check.. I was able to  pay the rent and mommy and put some money on the water bill...I have enough left for gas and food and cat stuff..with a little bit left over for vday with Sarah..

I know what I want to  get for her and I'm trying to be ok with it..I want to get her so much but I can't afford it...I just feel bad that I can't do the things I want to do...for her..

I've been feeling really depressed and well yesterday super anxious...I'm not liking myself very much and the cutting hasn't increased but it is still  happening..And I'm ashamed that I'm still doing it..that I still want it..but I'm upset that it doesn't work like it did before..the element of release isn't there..it still switches my focus and the pain holds my attention..but I'm not making massive cuts..the pain doesn't stay..And then my thoughts go back to racing..My head loses the battle and the overwhelming thoughts return..the feelings return..and  I can't escape..Maybe I will be able to get the meds with my next check...the money I got advanced wasn't taken out of this check and for that I am grateful because I was able to pay the rent and stuff ..but it may be taken out of the next check..so I'll have to figure that out..but maybe it will work out...

I just need a break..I want April to get here so bad so I can go out of town...I need a vacation...

I'm beginning the search for an apartment..a one bedroom..it is making me a bit anxious...but I'm going to  need to,find a place...

Sarah helped me calm down yesterday and I'm trying to hold on to that calmness..I have to work tomorrow but I'm off Sunday and Saturday..And that makes me happy..I prefer being off those days..but I have to work today and that is ok...

not going to be good

A bunch of little things have become one big thing and i left for work angry...raging and I'm still struggling to calm down... the outcome in my mind to calm down is not a good one but I can't get myself to think of anything but cutting... I'm struggling to even get through work right now...

calming the storm

I am able to breathe right now..the urges to hurt myself are quiet this morning.. I ended up spending the night with Sarah..it was calming to be able to joke and laugh... I have missed that..we have both had so much going on..and its been really serious stuff..so last night was a good break..no worrying or freaking out...just a good time together.. I didn't even realize I was missing it until last night..
Yesterday was just really stressful and a bit triggering.. and I had planned on cutting.. but other things happened instead that made the urges quiet down...so it was good...I think the scars were bothering me yesterday..shame and guilt fighting it out in my head.. not the best day at all...but it ended on a better note and that's good

ugh

So much to write...Ugh I forgot my computer at home of course..crap.

I really really wanted to drain my head but that won't be happening today..Just wanted to write...it takes to long on the kindle...

I'm starting to feel overloaded..

I just need something and I don't know what it is...