blahish

I'm sad that I finished my book..it was a good read...Now I'm stuck waiting for the next one..dang it..Ugh..

I'm bored and want to go  home..but I'm happily using the internet at work...so I guess that is something..

My thoughts and back and forth again...hard to focus..watching the twilight marathon..while I'm sitting here...

I'm thinking about a lot of different things...things I want..things I want to do...I'm pretty sure that I'll just stick to going to nias..in April...if I can just make it through February..And get stuff paid..Maybe by March things will ease up...I know I need to plan for getting a rental and gas and food...I'm not to interested in going anywhere special..I just want to get away..but I know I'll be missing a whole week of work...so I'll need to make sure I have that covered..make sure the rent gets paid...before I disappear for a week...I wish it could be longer..but I guess all I get is a week...Maybe I'll be able to just plan a getaway for Sarah and me for later in the  year...I still really want to go to Maine in the fall... Just to see the  leaves change..I love the fall..Maybe an October trip?? Maybe...oh I want to go to ny though to visit eleni and to ga to visit Angel...Maybe I'll plan those too...smaller trips though..like a weekend or some..And Angel has Andrew..I can't believe he is 2 already..he has gotten so big...Angel is sick though...Maybe I can go visit her sometime soon for a weekend....I think the three of us need  to completely plan a trip together somewhere...you know..Maybe a trip to ga is in order...hmmm I'll talk to Angel about it...

ugh

Today has been harder to manage ..My mood has gone downhill and I'm not feeling good...I've been picking at my fingers and my stomach has been upset all day..I really just want to go home and lay down...I'm tired...I'm feeling really depressed and sick..No not a real good day..actually spent almost the entire shift reading...not really working..must head wasn't with it today at all

be careful

The inmates are running the asylum

Proceed with caution.


I guess the breaking point has been reached


It is what it is

mushy brain

I'm not off until Wed....I can feel my brain turning to mush as we speak...Ugh...trying not to complain...

yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day....by the end of the day I had almost convinced myself that it made sense to die...I didn't die yesterday and didn't cut either..but it is very hard knowing that I was feeling that badly..I have no idea what to do..

I can't get my thinking to calm down...its back and forth between what I think I want to do and what I have already done...punishment and suffering and whether or not I deserve any of this... I just go over and over what I need to do and thoughts of ways to hurt myself win out..I'm planning without even meaning to and it consumes my mind...something is really wrong and I don't know what it is..my few hours of peace are gone and my control is slipping away..and I go back into survival mode and everything is to much to deal with...I go back to wanting to hide and disappear or just go away..but it all goes back to how and what I am planning... where when how what..its all stupid and overwhelming and makes me feel crazy...the paranoia is increasing and I keep feeling like I'm being watched and I don't like that at all...I'm overreacting to something that may not be really happening...everything is bothering me and doing stupid things makes a lot of sense

I don't think my brain can process anything else..I'm sleepy.. just watching the clock... waiting to be able to go home... I just want to hide before I do anything else... I've just been sitting here thinking about cutting... life sucks right now...I don't want any part of it..

.....when did I decide to call it quits?

Todays therapy was useless...my fault really...I wasn't explaining well..I couldn't figure out how to say what's going on...still cutting . Still want to die...still feeling hopeless and useless with life and things...I really don't know what to do...I did clean the cuts this morning... but taking a shower is a chore... it hurts but its what I deserve..

Force a smile for the next eight hours and continue to try to convince myself not to die... I want to go home and not have to deal with work today...but I have to work...but I still want to hide...

My thoughts are a mess today..I feel confused and lost...I don't know what I want or need right now and that is never a good thing...I'm wishing that I had put the razors in my bag...I can't focus...

life wins this round...

So I'm sitting at work..over thinking...trying to figure out what in the world I am going to do...about everything I guess..I'm trying to figure out the best thing..And I guess I am feeling super alone in this struggle..I feel as though I have asked for help so many times..And I'm back in this situation and I'm trying to figure out what to do for myself..How can I manage this...And where am I going to live...it is breaking my heart that I have less than a week to possibly pack up and move...And that I'll be packing up my stuff again and putting it back in storage...I don't want to ask for handouts..My self esteem is taking another massive blow because once again trying my hardest hasn't worked...And I'm looking at some serious decisions...

I saw Anita today and even though I didn't plan to tell her anything..I told her everything...it is easier to,talk when I am doing something else and so we colored today..And I pretty much spilled my guts...I told her I had cut...And she asked me what I wanted for her...in a supportive way ..for the cutting..And I actually answered her...I told her ..that I just wanted her to listen..And she said that she would...We talked about triggers and the cutting and what is going on..I told her it didn't help...And that I was upset about that ...  I did mention that I would probably continue cutting..looking for that release..looking for that little bit of calm...but I did agree that the cutting helps nothing at all..And it doesn't..but I need that calm emptiness so bad that I am willing to keep trying to get it...I can't drink or do drugs..I need to work and be calm and all of that..And cutting allows me to keep up the facade of what everyone assumes I am feeling or doing or how I should be...there is no time for a massive breakdown...so that is where the cutting keeps me in a slightly even mood...I'm trying to be careful..but already the craving for it is back in full force..And I don't have the strength to fight it..I'm trying to keep my wrist covered up...but the planning and plotting of the next time is happening in my head...it is like a drug and it is like chasing a high..Now is not the time I guess to get back my meds.And Anita did tell me that Courtney let her know I'm not taking my blood pressure medicine and that,has her concerned...but with everything that is now going on..I'm not sure I can use the money I'll get on Friday to pay for medicine..so I'm  going to just stay off of them I guess...sadly there isn't much that I can do about it...I have to be strong and in control at all times now..there is no room for any mistakes...I have to keep this mask firmly in place...there is to much uncertainty...And that makes me feel so out of sorts...I guess it makes sense that I have gone backwards looking for comfort in a way...Well to me..but it's going backwards all the same...And I'm caught in the trap again...

Sadly I'm caught in the trap again....And I don't know how this is going to end....

We didn't talk about if I was still feeling suicidal..but the idea I guess is that I am...I'm still not feeling safe with myself and now I have razors..that is a recipe for continued failure..which is what I am...a failure..worthless and stupid...I don't need anyone to agree with me..I know it is true...I wouldn't be in this predicament if I wasn't...I'm working my ass off and still can't get it together..I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I don't understand why I can't manage...I can't catch up financially and it is showing over and over...so once again I have failed in a massive way...

I want to give up..call it quits on everything because things are not really getting better...And I'm tired ... right now I am just so very tired...

and I guess this ends it

Again it is glaringly obvious that I am not seen as anything of importance... again I see how my news made no impact..how it is swept under the rug as if it never happened...if it is ignored then it will go away... again there is no one telling me congratulations.. no one being happy for me..and it hurts because it makes me feel worthless...I am still not good enough..even now... I'm not...and maybe that is the underlying thing that is preventing the suicidal stuff from going away...I just feel as if me trying my hardest isn't enough...

 Wayne has a baby coming..everyone is happy..well except mommy...but it is her grandchild so she won't say anything to them.. but she has said a lot to me and prolly more to Nia...but she isn't ashamed of them..which is what I feel she is about me...at every turn I have failed in someway..I never have been what she wanted.and so my good stuff is never good enough.. and still I try ... if I give her enough she will want me..if I change enough.. if I do what she says or lose weight or get a better job or dress better...change everything that I continue to fall at..maybe that will change her mind about me...maybe it will allow her to like me...

The thoughts take hold...that I'll never be good enough and should just die...so convincing...I'm once again stuck wishing for something that won't happen I guess...and that just hurts

agitation

Right now my anxiety is going crazy..I'm overly anxious..fidgeting..nervous.. jumpy...I can't relax and I'm staying tense which means my body hurts..my back and shoulders carry the weight of it...my ideas to make it better may make things worse...

crap

I realize a little bit late that I am triggered and that is why I didn't want to come to the hospital...its hard and of course I couldn't say the real reason for why I didn't want to come..I'm annoyed and anxious and sick to death of everyone making excuses for this particular resident..its not fair and it makes me angry..the convo today centered around her meds made her do it...I'm all for giving benefit of the doubt..but I was on shift before this happened and she was talking and joking..she had gotten her meds maybe 30 mins before.. and she was given cigarettes because she was feeling unsafe...so her needs were met...the only change was a new staff person being on the shift..she is showing what she can and will do...in my opinion.. not that anyone has asked...but again I already know how this goes..I know the ropes..the ins and out..and again..I fully believe it is all a choice...I can choose to cut..I have to get the razors..etc..no one is holding my hand or making me do anything..maybe I am being harsh..but there are standards and taking responsibility..ugh .. everything can't be an excuse and I make excuses all the time for not doing things...but the mental health stuff..is tricky..Yes..My brain is wired wrong..Yes I learned a lot of wrong things thinking and believing that they were right..I learned that I had to protect myself..by whatever I had to do or say...so taking responsibility is very hard..but the cutting and stuff..I have to take responsibility ..I did it..it's confusing...it really is..there is always something I am going for with the cutting an  stuff..an escape or numbness or a release of pressure..to give myself something to focus on in a sea of overwhelming thoughts...ugh..why am I trying so hard to explain things...it is just I keep getting set off and I feel guilty that I have n  sympathy for her...actions speak louder than words and it is her actions that I see..words mean nothing if her actions are constantly showing otherwise...

finally

I'm finally off for three days in a row ..I'm worn out..this week has been very hard ..Just with how I'm feeling and work being triggering..And the extra shifts..and not having a real break...My body hurts and my anxiety is up...My thoughts are heavy and bleek...there is an incredible need to just hide from everything..I don't know

ice

I'm back to wanting to chew ice again... I'm very anxious...nervous...on edge...I want to jump out of my skin..ugh..restarted the prozac this morning... yes..now I know why the meds I have are put together..damnit

My brain is full...I'm tired and cranky and craving a serious break...from life.from everything..I'm tired..I cant seem to get a grip on the suicidal stuff..and wanting to cut
.I told courtney today how I am feeling and that I can't promise my own safety..that im plotting and planning something...anything...

well

It is unsettling to realize that life goes on..regardless of how I am feeling..nothing stops even though I'm overwhelmed and just sad..really sad....I don't really know what to do with myself..I haven't managed to get a hold the razors I want..so haven't cut..the thoughts are still there..wanting something to just ease some of the turmoil inside...again made it to work and today I'm worn out..working like 12 hours today and still have the rest of the week to get through...I'm tired..I don't have the energy..I have to convince myself to take a shower..getting in the shower this morning was physically painful..And took forever..I want to sleep..I really do..the moments of clarity are hard because I can see how things are..but the other feelings come.back..they keep coming back...I see.Courtney tomorrow..as long as the weather isn't crappy...Maybe she will figure things out...

sigh

I wish...I knew what to say tto make things calmer inn my head.but I can't..it's taking all of my energy to even be at work...as the night goes on my will to fight decreases and I don't know what to do...I'm watching the clock..willing it to move so that I can go..this this one of those nights that the pressure in my head is to much...And need to get it out..I'm..overly anxious and thinking to much..I'm not that worried about cutting...I almost want to just to get the thoughts   to stop...I don't know

sadly

I couldn't promise my safety to anita....I contracted to show up next week...but I can't be sure I won't cut...I already am planning....just a matter of time.. I can't win this fight

daily battle...

Self esteem is at an all time low...been fighting it out in my head for the past few days..I certainly have not won..the negative depression has won...that is never good

on overload

This is going to take a while to write..I have a lot on my mind and can't seem to figure anything out so maybe writing is the last resort before my thinking turns to other things that I know will cause me to numb out and not have to think of anything at all...My brain is working overtime and it is frustrating that I am thinking so much about so many different things and can't get it to slow down or stop...

I'm thinking about what I talked about with Anita and I just feel so stupid about it all..I mean why did I think this would be any different from anything else I have done or expected from mommy...I really still wanted her approval and so the rejection was awful..but I should have realized that my wants were just not realistic..not at all..when Anita told me that she was not surprised it completely threw me because I hadn't even considered that mommy would do the same thing..or that I had described her so much and talked about her so much that her reaction as viewed by someone else is normal for her..I didn't see that..Maybe I wasn't looking for it..I don't know...Maybe I am being unfair and childish with my demand that everyone should be happy for me...I know it's not fair to think that and everyone is entitled to there own feelings and everything..but it is my thinking that is screwed up..it is wanting everyone to be on my side that is screwed up...so I need to kind of regroup and come to terms with the fact that no not everyone is going to be happy and not everyone is going to care...but the good thing is that no one else matters anymore..Well their opinions do not have the same unyielding grip that I struggled with before...And that is what I am trying to get used to..Well deal with...I am able to separate out things a bit more these days but it still takes a while to reach an agreement with myself on things..I haven't gotten there yet..but i will..And I do have friends who are happy for me...who are supportive and caring...and that needs to be enough..the never-ending quest for mommy's approval is what needs to end ... not sure how but it does...it doesn't do anything but cause more heartache and pain and hurt feelings...I haven't brought up the conversation again with mommy's or nia...I may be able to say ok I can respect how you  feel but I have no desire to have my own feelings minimized or picked on for any reason...I'm not up for a you need to rethink this or your making the wrong decision conversation..I really don't..so I will talk about and plan things with Sarah...And others...And my family I guess can have all the time they need...to decide how they feel about things...I really hate that I don't feel comfortable having Sarah come home with me and stuff..And knowing that she doesn't feel comfortable makes me sad too...Maybe in time it will be better...who knows...like..planned to go visit nia..And stay for a week..with Sarah of course..but knowing how mommy and now feel makes me just question whether it is a good idea...I don't want it to become a I'm doing everything for Sarah and that's not okay type thing...I wish they could be around Sarah with her power chair but they don't ..And I want them to see how things really are..but they don't And it's not fair..but life isn't fair I guess...I don't know though ...

Things at work are sometimes really frustrating..but I try hard not to let it get me..sometimes it does take some time to calm down...but I keep telling myself that I have a job and so that is important...

My finances are a hellish thing..right now..I'm struggling big time...but thankfully I am getting 40 hours..for the past couple weeks I've gotten 40 hours ..so then I will have a little bit more to work with..to catch up on bills with pretty much...all it is right now is bills..which is so depressing...a little bit left over for food and gas and the cats at least...but again I have to be so careful because one wrong thing and I'll to borrow money for gas or something and I'm trying my hardest to get back to being more self sufficient...I can't keep borrowing money..or else i will never get out of this hole that I'm in...again I'm really hoping that I get back something from taxes...Just to be able to catch up and breathe..My next check will be for utilities..I can't believe that the water bill is so expensive..ugh..so just going day by day...And trying to keep my head above water..

Random note..I would kill for a shower right now..My roommate pissed me off this morning about the water..like I would lie about that...but the maintenance ppl got the water working again..because like I said ..the water was on..the bill is due but it is not horribly late yet and it will be paid...Just have to wait..an  My next check will cover those bills...water..electric..cable..And paying some to Wayne...because once I'm done paying them all back I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to manage...

I know I have to start looking at what I will be doing in 5 months with my living arrangement...I'm thinking that I'll go back to renting a room..because I have to many bills right now and can't keep up..I just need a break before I completely crack under the pressure..I'll start looking into that though..which means finding a place for taji and bounce..I love them..more than anything..but I can't keep locking them up in one room..taji is way to active for that...she is struggling and yeah...I just don't want them to keep suffering on my account...so I'll start looking into something for them...And I'll have to get used to the idea that I can't keep them..

I keep telling myself things are going to work out..  try to keep telling myself that things will work out..that things will be okay.. I'm trying to convince myself of that..

My health is getting bad..Well I'm making bad choices and I know better..My stomach is not happy lately .. And I know I'm eating junk food..And drinking way to much soda...I do know this..And some days it's not so bad..but some days it is just awful..I need to get my meds refilled and finish off the vitamin d ...I need to check my blood sugar and it is horrible just how slack I have become..I need to do better..  I really do..I need to make an appointment to see Courtney..And talk about my meds again...I'm not sure what I want to do but I think I just need a little bit of help...to maintain...the urges are stronger..I'm much quicker to anger..much more easily angered...racing thoughts and so on and so forth...Yeah...seeing Courtney may be a very good idea...And then I'll figure out what to do about the meds and paying for them...I've gone almost 3 full months with nothing and now things are beginning to slip into that space of all or nothing...And nothing is winning out..slowly but surely...

So maybe that is what has been on my mind...a lot of stuff..

whatever

For someone who said to not talk about it..she won't leave it alone..so yes she is quite right in that my happiness doesn't depend on her at all..im just trying to deal with my hurt feelings..nothing more..nothing less...

trouble never goes away

I'm so upset and still trying to gain control over how I am feeling and trying to get the tears to stop...I can't seem to stop thinking that I'm just screwing everything up..And that mommy seriously told me that I had ruined her day when I told her that I thought she would be happy for me.. a lot about how she doesn't agree with it and that she would be fine with me and Sarah being lifelong friends..like I am 5 ... it makes me tired and I feel so useless.I know that things are really bad for me.right now...but they could be worse..I'm not getting married tomorrow..I'm not making plans to suddenly have so many options or plans...I'm not expecting that getting engaged is going to suddenly make my life so much better...No..I just wanted it for what it is ..a happy space in a massive sea of depression and struggling..I wasn't looking for a life changing event..I just wanted my little bit of happiness...And mommy doesn't approve because Sarah is in a wheelchair..she has asked me not to say anything about it..the engagement..And that pretty much means not to put it on Facebook...And by what she said today she has rejected me in so many ways and I don't know why it has even surprised me..Maybe I really truly thought that she would be happy..And that it would be ok...  I must have been holding one to those hopes for a long time because she started to rant and I began to shutdown...I couldn't argue..there was no point..does she really think that I would do something like this on an impulse? Me??everything has been called into question and that upsets me...I can't ...I just want to turn my brain off..to erase the hurt and sadness and go back to feeling content and happy...it was just a few hours but I want it back..instead I keep thinking about all she said and making conclusions and I don't know what to say..I talked to Sarah and her feelings are hurt and that makes me sad too...for such a happy day there is a lot of sadness going on...I just want to sleep for awhile..I have a headache and I don't want to even look at my phone for a while...I don't want to talk to anyone at all right now..

I know that there are friends happy for me..And that I should be doing what makes me happy but that doesn't stop the sadness...self medicating shall began asap...pick your poison...

No I don't think that this will be made all better overnight..once again I am left grieving for something I have never gotten..or will get..so I guess it just takes time to get used to the idea and accept it...accept that this part of my life is just not something that will be accepted or acknowledged...And that hurts...a lot ..she acts as if I have said nothing and I guess to her I didn't...I didn't say anything...it never happened..I told nia to forget I said anything...And I'm fine..I'm always fucking fine..this is no different..Yeah I'm fine...

a beautiful day

Yesterday was the best day I have had in a long time. It was special and happy and I'm so glad it happened and that my mood didn't ruin things...

This is my necklace, from Sarah. A proposal an  I said yes.  We picked it out and finally got  to go  And look for it yesterday. It was the last one .. And we were able to get it. Of course I wore it for the rest of the day and loved it..I'm proud of my necklace. 

Then we went out to lunch at applebees and Sarah would have gotten dessert first for my benefit..but I was hungry and actually wanted real food.. but we did get dessert and it was a chocolate overload in deliciousness.

I told nia and a couple friends yesterday..they are  happy for me..I told them I was happy and I meant it..coming out of 2014 ..Sarah has been the only consistent person in my life..she could have walked away from me and my troubles and issues so many times..And she didn't..there are so many things to take into account..but the biggest is that regardless of everything..she is still here for me...And well she has seen me naked.. haha

But really..with everything that has gone one..what we have dealt with together..the obstacles and let downs and arguments we have faced from family and friends..every single aspect has been questioned and torn apart...And we are still standing by each other.

I asked Sarah the other week about if someone else would be able to convince her that I was too much to deal with..And Sarah told me the choice is hers to make..And she is right..And I trust her..And again she is still here..she knows my past and my present..the painful secret things that still hurt me..she knows what I think..what I like..shoot she prolly knows me better than I do..

But I guess I say all of this to kind of know where my thinking is..to know that I am not walking into this major thing with my eyes closed and hoping for the best...No... I think that I know and understand exactly what I am getting into.. that my life is no longer just me..it's now me and Sarah and well it has been for a long time...I have my life and she has hers..but now they are just even more mixed up together than ever...And that is ok with me..

With so much sadness going around..I am clinging to my happiness and well that happiness  is centered around Sarah..I'm not missing out on anything..which I know is what mommy will mention..I don't need all that much..I just want to be needed and wanted and not for what I may be able to do for someone.

Crap..Sarah's wheelchair would be the least of my worries..And I know that is another argument that will come up..I could explain how we actually use her chair but umm yeah...that is not for everyone to know!! But good heavens it's only a wheelchair..it's not the end of the world..I'm not going to miss out on anything because of her chair..it's easy to work with her chair and everything..

You know Sarah hasn't tried to change me and I haven't tried to change her...I'm glad that we don't and haven't done the whole -I'm with you to make you better or to fix you or something- there is nothing wrong or broken with either of us...We have things to work on..but we accept each other for who we are...family and all..Sarah has met my family and so I'm thinking that the next step is for me to actually meet hers..I've been avoiding it..majorly avoiding it..but I guess that little ship has sailed and its time to meet them..I may die from anxiety but we will see...

I guess I just want to hang on to these feelings...I am able to feel safe and calm with her..And with being around her..And I don't want that to change...

mad

Super angry..but not feeling good dulls the responses...mommy called and again yelled about the car and my college stuff .. i was sleep before she called because I'm tired and prolly sick and I have to go to work...ended up losing my temper and yelling..I tried to stop and not say anything.. but now I'm just really angry and annoyed..I don't remember a lot of stuff and ugh just fuck it