-sigh-
im worried..about my health...yesterday i went to therapy and to see my med doc...and as soon as i showed up i was told that the lab person needed to see me and that i couldnt leave before seeing her...well i had to go to work yesterday and so cutting it close is putting it nicely..but my med doc explained what was going on pretty much and i ended up asking her if she could go and get the prescription for me...and luckly she was able to go and get it from downstairs and a copy of my labs and bring that back to me..and i didnt have to cut having therapy short...i did still have to go and suffer more lab work... but pretty much ..i have a major ..and i do mean major vitamin d defiency ... and im a little bit freaked out about it..because i have to go and get lab work done every three months...the last time they were done i wasnt told that there was an issue or anything with my vitamin d levels..so to be told out of the blue that my number is beyond low is rather unsettling...i have a prescriptoin for a massive amount of vitamin d that i have to take for 15 weeks...yuck..but working on figuring out how to get the prescription filled.. ive just been feeling so sick lately..tired..achy..headache on a daily basis...eye trouble.. ugh...weird cravings...very weird cravings ..like i feel like im going to die right now if i dont get some fried chicken..the other day it was spaghetti..and now its chili and chicken..and sweets..and just an endless list of foods...maybe on friday i can do a little bit of cooking or something...ugh...im just off...feeling really off and now that i know what may be the problem i want to fix it and just feel better..but instead im stuck and waiting on mommy to decide if she will be able to let me borrow any money...right now im considering saleing some of my movies or something..blah...i dont know..just trying to figure something out...
another thing that happened yesterday is that i decided to not get back on my meds for now...if anything i think ill go back to the klonipon when i can afford it...but for now its like..well im off of them...and cant afford them...so for now i guess im managing as well as i can..so staying off of them isnt that big of a deal...i wish i was feeling more stable but again it is a medical/physical issue that is ovvershadowing the mental stuff..and until one or the other is worked out..i cant figure out what is causing what...it is frustrating..i mean life wise things are stressful and strained and as anita said yesterday..toxic...ugh...
talked to anita finally yesterday about what has been going on..and for a little while i was able to feel safe outside of being with sarah...anita actually told me that i am doing well..all things considered..i mean im trying my hardest to manage and deal without the medication..without the cutting...ok food may or may not be having some issues..but again..could be due to multiple reasons..blah..but over all..im not doing anything dangerous...i wish i could get some of this stuff printed out to take to her...and would explain things a bit better..maybe ill go to the library on monday..but i hate printing stuff out at the library..essh..especially personal stuff...but ill see..maybe i can get enough change together to get it done...anita did try to get me to look at things from my roommates point of view...but no..im not willing too...not after everything that has happened...not after being pushed to the max...picked on and talked about and made to feel like dirt...no...im very serious when i say that i have nothing at all to say to her...i have nothing that i need from her and well that is all there is to it...i am doing my own thing and she is doing hers...and there is nothing inbetween...not any more...i honestly dont feel safe with her..and i have to keep reminding myself that i dont need to explain myself or anything about myself to anyone...i am watching what i say...for safety..to protect myself..i have to protect myself...thats all there is to it...and i was also very honest about the fact that im not that upset about the lease ending..if it comes to that...no i dont want to be evicted...but no it is not the end of the world either..i will figure out how to manage...i just have to...
but im going to go and lay down for a bit...have to work later today and im tired...
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