trying to calm down...

im upset...sick and tired in more ways than one..she doesnt listen..im trying to explain and she doesnt fucking listen...does she really think that im not aware of what is going on ?? of what im looking at and working with??? that i dont know what in the hell im going to do if i dont have a place to live??  that safety wise i could care less about being evicted..i really could...logistically i know i need to stay put...that being said...am i really so damn unaware that im going to happily talk about giving up my cats...does she have no idea how hard it is to have to deal with that decision??  that im sick of depending on everyone for help because i cant manage right now..im trying..damnit..im trying and all im doing is getting pushed back at every single turn...yeah spic bad choices...ok epic not thought through choices have gotten me here..but none of that can be changed now...im working my hardest to get to work ..to live and manage..and i cant...but all mommy and now nia seem to see is that i dont have money and that im not focusing on myself...what the hell..how am i not focused on myself?  why cant i get a little bit of time to regroup and not have to worry..fucking hell all i do is worry and stress..but thats not enough i guess...now she decides that its ok for the cats to come home and stay if i cant keep them..where was that option 3 months ago??? when she wasnt able to keep them for me..when she wasnt able to come and get them and take them home...but now its ok to bring them home if it comes to that..because putting them in the pound is awful...yes im awful..i know that...just leave me alone..i cant deal with this..not today..anyone even bother to ask why it is that i am even willing to give up the cats???anyone at all ??? ugh...taji and bounce both have some minor cat issues going on..and i feel awful that i cant get them looked at..or get medicine or anything for them..and they are prolly not feeling good..and i cant  fix it for them..and that makes me feel horrible..more than horrible...but that is not high on any ones list of worries but me...i cant get together money for a vet visit when im prolly looking at 200 some dollars for the two of them to be seen and treated..the spca isnt free..and i dont even have the money for that option...that is my concern...its not fucking about me...but again..no one cares..im just awful for considering putting them in the pound..well spca...