ive been kinda i dont know the past couple days...yesterday i was feeling a little sick..and it is bothersome that i can tell now that i know what to look for, when my vitamin d is dropping again...i guess just one pill isnt going to keep it up with it being so low..and i know i have to be patient..but it is just disappointing...i started to feel really tired and sick on wed night...and that carried over into part of yesterday...today im feeling ok..i mean im wide awake at 4 something and ive been up for maybe 45 mins already...i want to take a nap ..well go back to sleep but im afraid i will over sleep and i need to be on my way home this morning...i have to get the car hopefully and then ill be not going back and forth home..its hard driving back and forth and well i just dont like it really...im no good at driving long distances..and even 4 hours is a long distance..i just get so tired and sleepy...and id rather not get into a car accident...the way things are going though i am positive that i wont be going anywhere at all for the holidays...i need to work...as i will be so very nice and tell mommy...since i have to pay back nia and wayne and rob...so after i get the car no more traveling anywhere..ill be stuck in richmond and that does upset me..but i cant do anything about that now..i dont want to plan to go somewhere and then have everyone reminding me that i need to pay everyone back and what not...i dont like that..and so no..until everyone is paid back i guess ill be staying put...not a big deal or anything..i think today everything is pretty much bothering me..im anxious about going home..im anxious about whether or not the trip will be wasted if the car title isnt there...and going home yes again is a waste of time if i cant get the car...but i have a feeling i wont be listened to anyway..so home it will most likely be...next week i dont get a day off...it will be med classes and work all darn week...im looking at it and it makes me tired..im trying to remind myself that it will be ok..that i am going to get the certification and it will be worth it..blah blah blah...either way next week is going to be so so busy...and tiring...
im working on getting a copy of my transcripts faced to me...its a pain in the butt..my only other option is to see if i can go and pick up a copy from one of my other jobs..and that is such a pain..i only am asking for a copy..you would think i was asking them to give up their first born kid or something.. as i said..im in a foul mood...trying to get it though..has to reschedule my appointment to see the doc and so that wont be happening until the 24th...because i just need to get home and to the office today...and im trying to get there as early as i can...so i can head back as early as i can...
things in roommate hell as on a manageable level...i refuse to be talkative with her ..if she asked me something that needs a response then fine...but no...every ounce of friendship, trust, anything is just gone for me...some things i just cant forgive..and not only were my cats threatened..but my sister was on the phone and heard what was going on...and she used information that i had told her against me...so no..i have nothing really to say to her...as she so nicely put it the other week..she isnt doing a damn thing for me..and i dont need her too...i can do my hair..i can get to work..i can get food..i can take care of my cats..so no i dont need her ...and its just that we are living in the same apartment..that is all ... i go to work and i come home...that is my life..and it pisses me off to no end lately that everyone single fucking person in my business is just assuming that if i dont answer the phone that im over at sarahs..i got mad while on the phone with mommy yesterday and she asked if i was at sarahs..on a fucking thursday morning no less...only because i didnt answer the phone...gee no..i wasnt..thanks to the constant back and forth home and now my schedule with work..no i dont have time to go anywhere at all..not that anyone else gives a damn about that..no she is trying tp pinpoint where i was..and i wasnt anywhere..i was taking a shower and fixing something to eat so that i could go to work..i wasnt hanging out anywhere...my days off as full the past week and this week..and then next week im not even off and then the week after that is thanksgiving and ill see how many times im called for an extra shift or something..no i cant do a damn thing...and im so horny i cant even get myself together..blah...such is life..oh yeah..ive been cramping bad..but nothing has started yet..that is what i dislike the most..that just because im cramping does not exactly mean my period is going to start right then..no..i get to wait for the surprise since the days have seemed to change themselves again..so it really is just as much a surprise to me as it is to my body...joy...im so overcome with happiness i can barely stand it...ugh i need to get my head together...im pissy as all heck..and it is a pain..i dont like it..i dont want to be bothered...and my stomach is playing havoc with everything...
i did see anita this week though..and she told me that i am sounding better..and i guess she is right...i mean over all im ok...a bit antsy mood wise right now..but ok i guess...what changed though?? maybe it is because there is an end in sight to some of the current stressors...like i may have a car and a place to live..i dont have to give up the cats or pack up and find another place to live...things are reaching the resolution point in a way...i still am without the meds..and im not sure how i feel about that..but i cant really do anything about that right now..so ill have to just be off of them..and deal with it..ill prolly make an appointment to see courtney soon..just to let her know what is going on...i dont feel strong or brave going without the meds...i admit that i do feel i am dependent on them...but without them doesnt make me a martyr or anything...im without them because i have to be..im dealing with it because i have no choice...staying in bed and hiding isnt an option..so i have to manage...such is life..i have no real escape right now...i need to start working iwth my coping skills more..actually using them...more than just writing...ive been doing collages with one of the residents at work and i realize how much i miss it..i have oil paints that i havent used and just stuff like that..i have some coloring pages that are super detailed and that will keep me busy..but just stuff like that...
it may snow on saturday...that is really cool if it actually happens...im not to thrilled that i will have to drive home from the class in it...but yeah...will see how it goes..
but this has calmed my nerves..ill go and lay back down for a couple hours..and then get up and prepare to head out...deep breath...and stay calm today...that is the plan...
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