again betrayed...

it has taken me quite a few days of none stop thinking about the events that have gone on this week...and it all just makes me feel so very tired and sad...im hurt..much more than i think i would ever admit too...im still embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened...no i havent taken my feelings out on myself ..but all the same i cant seem to let the events go...what i failed to notice about making the choice to live with tramaine is that she has used little things and big things against me since the beginning..and i just didnt notice or didnt want to notice..maybe i was trying to protect myself in some way..keepp the peace..i dont know..but the part of all of this is that she betrayed my trust..and once again i feel that i can no longer trust anyone...i know that i will never again trust her ..but once again the damage has been done...it cant be changed...i told her things in confidence and from the get go she has turned them around on me..used them against me...i trusted her...maybe i felt i needed too..maybe i was just wanting so much to have a friend..in the midst of so much chaos..and this is how it has ended up...i have been called names..had my struggles thrown in my face..been left stranded and alone and frustrated..told to grow up and well a whole bunch of other things..and taji being in the bathroom sink was what broke the camels back i guess..that was the meltdown point for her..but i guess i should have known something was wrong..that something was up when her mini blowups began happening...and no i will not make excuses for my behaviors...and i may be a lot of things...i may not pay attention to things..i have been hurt and used and broken and wanting to die ..but i have never used information that someone has told me in confidence against them..i have never thrown information back in someones face ..never used there own struggles to hurt them..to make them cry...never..but that is not the same with tramaine..she does not hold the same ideals as me i guess..and i mean i dont have a lot..and it takes so long to earn my trust and she did..and now she has left all of it crumbled to the ground...even this morning when i was in the living room with her and her sister and niece..she still made little comments about how my social skills or lack there of leads to outbursts or something..but i said nothing..i let it go..but again i am covertly attacked again because of my issues..

the need to defend myself is so strong..the need to explain..to figure it out to make it work...carry all the blame..apoligize..fix it..make it better...it falls on my shoulders..i have to fix it..i have to be better ..i have to be more..how was i so easily sucked into such a warped friendship..trusting and so easily fooled...i want to go back to hiding away..not letting anyone know what is going on...not asking for anything from anyone...go back to dealing with things the way i did before..where words and tears were not the answer..when i cuold control the hurt and pain..when i was able to stop the saddness and just numb out..find an escape into nothingness..i made it then..why cant i make it now??? why is now so different? why cant i go back to before? when i could so easily escape the fears and hurts that i faced on a daily basis?? why cant i have that back??

before i was being hurt ..in so many ways..it was a part of life...a life that i had no control over..that i had no say in..i was forced to live it..and some how i stayed alive..i grew up and became my own worst enemy...no one else could hurt me...and now..the emotional hurts still go on..i am still being hit from different angles at different times ..and it is hard..because im supposed to be better..i supposed to want to be different and healthy and whole..but that doesnt give me an escape..no i can cry and talk and hope and all of it and still things stay dark and lonely and hurtful...and there is no escape..i try to escape and my attempts are stopped..always stopped..

i am walking in shadows right now...needing to hide and think and pretend that i am no longer a part of this world..no longer a part of a world that sees fit to keep hurting me...i dont have the energy to keep fighting a battle that i have not won in 31 years...why keep going ??  no i will keep my thoughts to myself..slowly slip away until there is nothing left...im all out of hope, and patience...my need to trust has been shattered...and i feel as if i am just some misguided lost soul...forgotten..used..broken..left to die...every day the thinking gets a little bit darker..i am trapped..and i do not think there is a way out...