on high alert...

im so tired..and the more tired i become the more i feel like i am focusing myself to pay extra attention...to zone out and watch everything all at the same time...i dont know what im doing ... im afraid to go to work today i dont know why...im annoyed but glad im only working four days this week and next week...im waiting and hoping  for something to work out..but im not expecting anything..my ability to plan or look forward to the future has gone away...right now all i can manage is to get through the day and even that is becoming harder..i wake up and want to go to sleep..i sleep i think..weird dreams.bothersome dreams plague me while i sleep...i dont remember them..just uneasy feelings...i feel useless and stupid and like a failure...im on the verge of crying at all times..and all i can think is that i need to stay at home and be good...ill stay at home and kill myself..but that is not important to anyone at all..as long as i am at home then i guess i am managing..im fine...i go to work and come home..that is my life ..or that is how my life is supposed to be..i dont know what i am doing..i dont have motivation to do anything really..and im trying to be positive and plan and think.bbut my thoughts become darker..and im afraid to be left alone with my head..but there is no choice..the holidays are always hard and right now with so much going on..im dreading them so much more...i cant stand being on fb right now because everyone is posting such happy pictures..spending time with family and friends..and all im doing is trying to get through the damn day and not think that my thoughts make more sense than anything else..i dont have anything left to ask for help with..because i keep messing up..and its like i dont know why ..but yes i keep messing up...gota stop writing before i start to cry...maybe ill just go to work a little bit early...