what am i missing ?

what am i missing?? what havent i thought of ?? im so tired of being told that i need to worry about myself..that i dont need to go and spend time over at sarahs...i really wonder what in the crap it is that my mom and sister think i am doing...im not going out to dinner or movies...i spend money on food, on gas, on the cats..im not shopping or paying bills for sarah..i dont understand...all i do is go to work and am at home..i go to sarahs house one or two days a week and not even full days because i have been taking the bus...im not losing the one person i have here that i can go to for support..all i do is worry and stress out...all i want is a few hours of not stressing out..thats all...and lately not even time at sarahs is a full time relief...i cant let go of the worrying for long..not even with her..but ill take the moments of freedom that i can get..im tired of being asked why i havent asked sarah to borrow money or why she cant help...geez if ive already told sarah everything that is going on..i would think that if she could she would help...its enough that i can go to her house and she feeds me while im there..no questions asked..the more they push the more i feel like i am being backed into a corner and i really will be left all alone..right now im hoping i dont lose my apartment...i am ..but if i do then that is what it is...i cant afford it...im without a car..i need to keep my job..i can rent a room..im not above doing anything anymore..and so yes if it gets to the point that i have to move and move quickly.then i understand that means finding another place for the cats to live..i know that my stuff will most likely go back to storage..and i will have to live with that..for a while if i have too..because there is no other choice...i have done everything i can..moved then and all of that numerous times..and yes even thinking about being without them makes me sad and the tears immediately threaten..but im not so far gone that i cant realize a bad situation..i under the situation is currently really bad..i know the holidays are coming..i know that im off my meds and going slightly crazy..i know that i dont feel safe in my own apartment ...i understand all of that..and i have to figure out how to make it work..with what i have now...there is no more hoping for the best..because thats not realistic...not anymore..but with mommy and nia beating at me from every angle ...its just hard to remember..but i cant go home...and i may not be able to fully explain to them why i cant or wont go home...the thing is that im just not going home...not moving home..that is not an option...not a good one...it will cut me off from everyone ..and i wouldnt last long...so my options are here and i have to figure it out for here..i have to figure out what to do..my doctors are here..all of them...its not exacctly easy to pick up and move back home where i will be totally dependent on mommy..no...the pros do not outweigh the cons and i really dont know what the pros actually are...i dont know what im doing wrong..and the more im stuck thinking ..the more i feel like i cant even go to my mom or sister for real help..not anymore..because suddenly all they see is that i want to spend time with sarah..i cant deal with them constantly telling me to focus on myself...i am so focused on myself..i cant freaking see straight...i do feel as if i need to shut down..just to begin to try to manage..some how...be obedient..follow the rules...i hate that it is beginning to feel as if i need to hide and lie about my life..but i dont feel as if i am being given a choice...not anymore...as long as i am not living in my car..that i dont have...then there really is nothing to tell...ill do what i have to do...as i keep being told..im not a child...so i guess that means making choices i dont want to make and living with the aftermath...