sadly

I am feeling rather ..I don't know..jealous isn't really the right word..but I'm feeling something... I've been in and out of the hospital for the past two days and most likely will be in the hospital again tomorrow..and seeing the 24 hour care is causing a lot of difficult feelings..I want that constant care..knowing that someone else is going to handle the hard stuff..that someone is going to help me when I can't do it...I just want the option..I want to have a break..just a little one...but in the same breath..I know that the care and concern is not the same for mental issues...that a self inflicted issue is met with judgement and more negative stuff..and that is depressing and why I try to stay out of the hospital.. even when I am currently sleeping with a knife..I haven't used it but I need it...need to feel safe in a convaluted sort of way..I don't know..I'm feeling just confused..not sure..I don't know what to do right now with my thoughts.. just sad right now