lately

there's so much that I want to write aboutbut I don't know what to say...I'm so tired and I don't know why I mean I'm not really depressed but I just want to sleep..I've been going to the training at the office for my medication certification and it's actually pretty interesting it reminds me that I really did want to be a nurse but now I'm in social work in mental health and that's fine...I've actually been thinking a lot about self care in the past few daysand I realize that I'm not doing what I should be with self care I mean I'm not taking care of myself at all I'm still not taking my medicine I'm not eating right you know my sugar is getting higher and it's just frustrating because I know what I should do and I'm constantly making the choice not to do it I know how to take care of myself I know what I should do what I shouldn't do and I just haven't been doing it and that's starting to make me feel really bad I know I need to take my medication for my blood pressure I know I need to take the medicine for the diabetes I know I need to eat less carbs and more protein and vegetables and fruit I need to take those vitamins because I'm not feeling good ...I should be making better choices and I know that that's something that I have to decide to do for myself let's sitting in this medication class and talking about you know the struggles that we have with the clients and it's like I'm sure with the same stuff every single day it's hard having to tell myself that I need to get up and take my medication or I need to get up and eat or making healthier choices when I don't have the money to go to the store or to cook every single day and I understand that you know everything is a choice and it's a choice and I'm making but no one can fix this stuff for me I have to fix it for myself...that means said I'm going to start checking my sugar again and pay attention to what I'm eating because I just feel like things are going to get worse if I don't start doing something... I want to talk to courtney and Anita about how I'm feeling mentally in mood wise and kind of what to do right now without the medication I mean I'm doing OK without it but I can tell that I am starting to have some of the more major depression episodes and not wanting to do stuff and just you know, doing only what I need to to get by I'm getting more easily frustrated and annoyed when I have to talk to mommy and Nia... I am just having a harder time staying in control of myself....I notice today that I am trying to touch myself to the bar and who's doing the medication class I have been around her for a lot of hours in the past 3 days and somehow I am already seen her as a comforting person and hoes so much going on right now I think I'm trying to seek out comfort and not being able to go over and see sarah and get you now any type of release or something... I am wanting  some sort of comfort in the midst of so much chaos..it is a completely innocent desire...but I really do just want to go over and be with sarah...I'm going to go in late allen see about falling asleep because I'm tired...