My mood has definitely taken a major downhill turn..I'm sad and angry ? frustrated..depressed..worried..I'm anxious about tomorrow..I'm trying to figure out how this is all going to work and the stress of it all makes me feel like crying...My little break away from the world was not long enough..I want to go back to Sarah and get away from all the stress of everything..I'm annoyed that I'm stuck in the hospital room with a client who thinks the  world shines out of her ass...I really don't want the here...and just got off the phone with the lead person and now I have to go and get another resident...fuck  today..Just fuck today

thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving.. I'm currently laying in bed not doing anything..waiting pretty much until its time for me to go to work...I'm trying to not be sad and upset but I am..I'm feeling incredibly left out..everyone is at nias. No one needs to know I'm feeling so down..I think its just not being with noa.. I know I have to work and save and handle things here...but its hard. The holidays are just hard and sad and I feel like crying..I have to work tonight and finally get to hang out at Sarah's for a couple days.. I'm tired of work and issues and sadness...I really want a break from life without resorting to anything dangerous..at Sarah's I'm safe.. sigh... this is so depressing.. the urge to numb out is strong...very strong...

sadly

I am feeling rather ..I don't know..jealous isn't really the right word..but I'm feeling something... I've been in and out of the hospital for the past two days and most likely will be in the hospital again tomorrow..and seeing the 24 hour care is causing a lot of difficult feelings..I want that constant care..knowing that someone else is going to handle the hard stuff..that someone is going to help me when I can't do it...I just want the option..I want to have a break..just a little one...but in the same breath..I know that the care and concern is not the same for mental issues...that a self inflicted issue is met with judgement and more negative stuff..and that is depressing and why I try to stay out of the hospital.. even when I am currently sleeping with a knife..I haven't used it but I need it...need to feel safe in a convaluted sort of way..I don't know..I'm feeling just confused..not sure..I don't know what to do right now with my thoughts.. just sad right now

freaking a

I'm having a hard night..bad day..whatever..I'm upset and jealous an  on  edge and sad and feeling  ignored an  forgotten...PAY ATTENTION TO ME..

I don't care..I'm thinking too much and    can't seem to get myself together tonight....I just want to go home and go to sleep...

I can't help but think  that mommy has still won...she has me completely under her control and now because of everything and work and stuff I can't even get the time to go and see Sarah...I just suck at life...

Not even watching frozen is helping my mood...I'm angry..And I don't know why...I want to lash out and I don't know why..all that is left is attacking myself and I'm great at that...I can attack myself on a consistent basis and no one will even know..I'm very close to just hating myself immensely right now and it just feels out of control...

I'm feeling very alone...empty...invisible..

Who was I kidding?? There is no relief for me..the negativity and bad  thoughts and irrationality will never go away...I'm very easy to replace..I'm not needed or wanted...

I am nothing

UGH

Lost my Damon post....I could just scream

random picture

I don't know why I like this picture but I do

lately

there's so much that I want to write aboutbut I don't know what to say...I'm so tired and I don't know why I mean I'm not really depressed but I just want to sleep..I've been going to the training at the office for my medication certification and it's actually pretty interesting it reminds me that I really did want to be a nurse but now I'm in social work in mental health and that's fine...I've actually been thinking a lot about self care in the past few daysand I realize that I'm not doing what I should be with self care I mean I'm not taking care of myself at all I'm still not taking my medicine I'm not eating right you know my sugar is getting higher and it's just frustrating because I know what I should do and I'm constantly making the choice not to do it I know how to take care of myself I know what I should do what I shouldn't do and I just haven't been doing it and that's starting to make me feel really bad I know I need to take my medication for my blood pressure I know I need to take the medicine for the diabetes I know I need to eat less carbs and more protein and vegetables and fruit I need to take those vitamins because I'm not feeling good ...I should be making better choices and I know that that's something that I have to decide to do for myself let's sitting in this medication class and talking about you know the struggles that we have with the clients and it's like I'm sure with the same stuff every single day it's hard having to tell myself that I need to get up and take my medication or I need to get up and eat or making healthier choices when I don't have the money to go to the store or to cook every single day and I understand that you know everything is a choice and it's a choice and I'm making but no one can fix this stuff for me I have to fix it for myself...that means said I'm going to start checking my sugar again and pay attention to what I'm eating because I just feel like things are going to get worse if I don't start doing something... I want to talk to courtney and Anita about how I'm feeling mentally in mood wise and kind of what to do right now without the medication I mean I'm doing OK without it but I can tell that I am starting to have some of the more major depression episodes and not wanting to do stuff and just you know, doing only what I need to to get by I'm getting more easily frustrated and annoyed when I have to talk to mommy and Nia... I am just having a harder time staying in control of myself....I notice today that I am trying to touch myself to the bar and who's doing the medication class I have been around her for a lot of hours in the past 3 days and somehow I am already seen her as a comforting person and hoes so much going on right now I think I'm trying to seek out comfort and not being able to go over and see sarah and get you now any type of release or something... I am wanting  some sort of comfort in the midst of so much chaos..it is a completely innocent desire...but I really do just want to go over and be with sarah...I'm going to go in late allen see about falling asleep because I'm tired...

kinda off the past couple days...

ive been kinda i dont know the past couple days...yesterday i was feeling a little sick..and it is bothersome that i can tell now that i know what to look for, when my vitamin d is dropping again...i guess just one pill isnt going to keep it up with it being so low..and i know i have to be patient..but it is just disappointing...i started to feel really tired and sick on wed night...and that carried over into part of yesterday...today im feeling ok..i mean im wide awake at 4 something and ive been up for maybe 45 mins already...i want to take a nap ..well go back to sleep but im afraid i will over sleep and i need to be on my way home this morning...i have to get the car hopefully and then ill be not going back and forth home..its hard driving back and forth and well i just dont like it really...im no good at driving long distances..and even 4 hours is a long distance..i just get so tired and sleepy...and id rather not get into a car accident...the way things are going though i am positive that i wont be going anywhere at all for the holidays...i need to work...as i will be so very nice and tell mommy...since i have to pay back nia and wayne and rob...so after i get the car no more traveling anywhere..ill be stuck in richmond and that does upset me..but i cant do anything about that now..i dont want to plan to go somewhere and then have everyone reminding me that i need to pay everyone back and what not...i dont like that..and so no..until everyone is paid back i guess ill be staying put...not a big deal or anything..i think today everything is pretty much bothering me..im anxious about going home..im anxious about whether or not the trip will be wasted if the car title isnt there...and going home yes again is a waste of time if i cant get the car...but i have a feeling i wont be listened to anyway..so home it will most likely be...next week i dont get a day off...it will be med classes and work all darn week...im looking at it and it makes me tired..im trying to remind myself that it will be ok..that i am going to get the certification and it will be worth it..blah blah blah...either way next week is going to be so so busy...and tiring...

im working on getting a copy of my transcripts faced to me...its a pain in the butt..my only other option is to see if i can go and pick up a copy from one of my other jobs..and that is such a pain..i only am asking for a copy..you would think i was asking them to give up their first born kid or something.. as i said..im in a foul mood...trying to get it though..has to reschedule my appointment to see the doc and so that wont be happening until the 24th...because i just need to get home and to the office today...and im trying to get there as early as i can...so i can head back as early as i can...

things in roommate hell as on a manageable level...i refuse to be talkative with her ..if she asked me something that needs a response then fine...but no...every ounce of friendship, trust, anything is just gone for me...some things i just cant forgive..and not only were my cats threatened..but my sister was on the phone and heard what was going on...and she used information that i had told her against me...so no..i have nothing really to say to her...as she so nicely put it the other week..she isnt doing a damn thing for me..and i dont need her too...i can do my hair..i can get to work..i can get food..i can take care of my cats..so no i dont need her ...and its just that we are living in the same apartment..that is all ... i go to work and i come home...that is my life..and it pisses me off to no end lately that everyone single fucking person in my business is just assuming that if i dont answer the phone that im over at sarahs..i got mad while on the phone with mommy yesterday and she asked if i was at sarahs..on a fucking thursday morning no less...only because i didnt answer the phone...gee no..i wasnt..thanks to the constant back and forth home and now my schedule with work..no i dont have time to go anywhere at all..not that anyone else gives a damn about that..no she is trying tp pinpoint where i was..and i wasnt anywhere..i was taking a shower and fixing something to eat so that i could go to work..i wasnt hanging out anywhere...my days off as full the past week and this week..and then next week im not even off and then the week after that is thanksgiving and ill see how many times im called for an extra shift or something..no i cant do a damn thing...and im so horny i cant even get myself together..blah...such is life..oh yeah..ive been cramping bad..but nothing has started yet..that is what i dislike the most..that just because im cramping does not exactly mean my period is going to start right then..no..i get to wait for the surprise since the days have seemed to change themselves again..so it really is just as much a surprise to me as it is to my body...joy...im so overcome with happiness i can barely stand it...ugh i need to get my head together...im pissy as all heck..and it is a pain..i dont like it..i dont want to be bothered...and my stomach is playing havoc with everything...

i did see anita this week though..and she told me that i am sounding better..and i guess she is right...i mean over all im ok...a bit antsy mood wise right now..but ok i guess...what changed though?? maybe it is because there is an end in sight to some of the current stressors...like i may have  a car and a place to live..i dont have to give up the cats or pack up and find another place to live...things are reaching the resolution point in a way...i still am without the meds..and im not sure how i feel about that..but i cant really do anything about that right now..so ill have to just be off of them..and deal with it..ill prolly make an appointment to see courtney soon..just to let her know what is going on...i dont feel strong or brave going without the meds...i admit that i do feel i am dependent on them...but without them doesnt make me a martyr or anything...im without them because i have to be..im dealing with it because i have no choice...staying in bed and hiding isnt an option..so i have to manage...such is life..i have no real escape right now...i need to start working iwth my coping skills more..actually using them...more than just writing...ive been doing collages with one of the residents at work and i realize how much i miss it..i have oil paints that i havent used and just stuff like that..i have some coloring pages that are super detailed and that will keep me busy..but just stuff like that...

it may snow on saturday...that is really cool if it actually happens...im not to thrilled that i will have to drive home from the class in it...but yeah...will see how it goes..

but this has calmed my nerves..ill go and lay back down for a couple hours..and then get up and prepare to head out...deep breath...and stay calm today...that is the plan...

thinking

im just really tired and down...at the mercy of my family and just struggling to keep my head above water...most likely will not be evicted..will be taking the entire check this week and borrowing the rest from mommy to pay the rent up...plus all the money she has borrowed to get the car..and im just overwhelmed by it all...im being so cautious..with everyone..im afraid that ill say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and end up getting everything taken away...while at home mommy again did the whole this is what you should be doing..my relationship is again called into question because it is my first one and i told her pretty straightforwardly that i did not want to move back home because i have nothing there...i would be at work and come home..and that is it.i told her that at least here i had sarah and my little 5 yr old who i do really need to see...but that at least here i have a chance at getting out of the house...she said she understands..but i dont know if she will let it go..i do not plan on living at home or moving back home..i had planned on moving to sc but that is not going to happen until i can get my credit repaired...i cant logically pack up and move states with so many bills and things hanging over my head right now..and until i have the judgement paid off anyway..i need to just get things in better standing here you know...she keeps saying she is now doing what is going to make her happy...so how come i cant do the same thing??? do what makes me happy without having it questioned to death? i dont know..i really dont...the roommate situation makes me upset and i feel that i am becoming bitter about it..and cant do anything about it..she is such a hypocrite ..and im trying to let it go..and not freak out about it...when she is here i just stay in my room unless i have to come out for something...but i have nothing to say to her..i really dont..and i dont care if i am being childish or anything really...wow..didnt mean to write all this..i really was going to say i was ok...i do see anita today at least...

Just...I don't know

fuck her

so fucking angry..... the roommate is such a hypocrite...she ranted and yelled and screamed about how i dont clean enough..today i had to wash all the damn dishes that she left in the damn sink for three days..only because i want to cook and needed the sink cleaned out...fuck her

trying to calm down...

im upset...sick and tired in more ways than one..she doesnt listen..im trying to explain and she doesnt fucking listen...does she really think that im not aware of what is going on ?? of what im looking at and working with??? that i dont know what in the hell im going to do if i dont have a place to live??  that safety wise i could care less about being evicted..i really could...logistically i know i need to stay put...that being said...am i really so damn unaware that im going to happily talk about giving up my cats...does she have no idea how hard it is to have to deal with that decision??  that im sick of depending on everyone for help because i cant manage right now..im trying..damnit..im trying and all im doing is getting pushed back at every single turn...yeah spic bad choices...ok epic not thought through choices have gotten me here..but none of that can be changed now...im working my hardest to get to work ..to live and manage..and i cant...but all mommy and now nia seem to see is that i dont have money and that im not focusing on myself...what the hell..how am i not focused on myself?  why cant i get a little bit of time to regroup and not have to worry..fucking hell all i do is worry and stress..but thats not enough i guess...now she decides that its ok for the cats to come home and stay if i cant keep them..where was that option 3 months ago??? when she wasnt able to keep them for me..when she wasnt able to come and get them and take them home...but now its ok to bring them home if it comes to that..because putting them in the pound is awful...yes im awful..i know that...just leave me alone..i cant deal with this..not today..anyone even bother to ask why it is that i am even willing to give up the cats???anyone at all ??? ugh...taji and bounce both have some minor cat issues going on..and i feel awful that i cant get them looked at..or get medicine or anything for them..and they are prolly not feeling good..and i cant  fix it for them..and that makes me feel horrible..more than horrible...but that is not high on any ones list of worries but me...i cant get together money for a vet visit when im prolly looking at 200 some dollars for the two of them to be seen and treated..the spca isnt free..and i dont even have the money for that option...that is my concern...its not fucking about me...but again..no one cares..im just awful for considering putting them in the pound..well spca...

worries and thoughts from yesterday

-sigh-

im worried..about my health...yesterday i went to therapy and to see my med doc...and as soon as i showed up i was told that the lab person needed to see me and that i couldnt leave before seeing her...well i had to go to work yesterday and so cutting it close is putting it nicely..but my med doc explained what was going on pretty much and i ended up asking her if she could go and get the prescription for me...and luckly she was able to go and get it from downstairs and a copy of my labs and bring that back to me..and i didnt have to cut having therapy short...i did still have to go and suffer more lab work... but pretty much ..i have a major ..and i do mean major vitamin d defiency ... and im a little bit freaked out about it..because i have to go and get lab work done every three months...the last time they were done i wasnt told that there was an issue or anything with my vitamin d levels..so to be told out of the blue that my number is beyond low is rather unsettling...i have a prescriptoin for a massive amount of vitamin d that i have to take for 15 weeks...yuck..but working on figuring out how to get the prescription filled.. ive just been feeling so sick lately..tired..achy..headache on a daily basis...eye trouble.. ugh...weird cravings...very weird cravings ..like i feel like im going to die right now if i dont get some fried chicken..the other day it was spaghetti..and now its chili and chicken..and sweets..and just an endless list of foods...maybe on friday i can do a little bit of cooking or something...ugh...im just off...feeling really off and now that i know what may be the problem i want to fix it and just feel better..but instead im stuck and waiting on mommy to decide if she will be able to let me borrow any money...right now im considering saleing some of my movies or something..blah...i dont know..just trying to figure something out...

another thing that happened yesterday is that i decided to not get back on my meds for now...if anything i think ill go back to the klonipon when i can afford it...but for now its like..well im off of them...and cant afford them...so for now i guess im managing as well as i can..so staying off of them isnt that big of a deal...i wish i was feeling more stable but again it is a medical/physical issue that is ovvershadowing the mental stuff..and until one or the other is worked out..i cant figure out what is causing what...it is frustrating..i mean life wise things are stressful and strained and as anita said yesterday..toxic...ugh...

talked to anita finally yesterday about what has been going on..and for a little while i was able to feel safe outside of being with sarah...anita actually told me that i am doing well..all things considered..i mean im trying my hardest to manage and deal without the medication..without the cutting...ok food may or may not be having some issues..but again..could be due to multiple reasons..blah..but over all..im not doing anything dangerous...i wish i could get some of this stuff printed out to take to her...and would explain things a bit better..maybe ill go to the library on monday..but i hate printing stuff out at the library..essh..especially personal stuff...but ill see..maybe i can get enough change together to get it done...anita did try to get me to look at things from my roommates point of view...but no..im not willing too...not after everything that has happened...not after being pushed to the max...picked on and talked about and made to feel like dirt...no...im very serious when i say that i have nothing at all to say to her...i have nothing that i need from her and well that is all there is to it...i am doing my own thing and she is doing hers...and there is nothing inbetween...not any more...i honestly dont feel safe with her..and i have to keep reminding myself that i dont need to explain myself or anything about myself to anyone...i am watching what i say...for safety..to protect myself..i have to protect myself...thats all there is to it...and i was also very honest about the fact that im not that upset about the lease ending..if it comes to that...no i dont want to be evicted...but no it is not the end of the world either..i will figure out how to manage...i just have to...

but im going to go and lay down for a bit...have to work later today and im tired...

on high alert...

im so tired..and the more tired i become the more i feel like i am focusing myself to pay extra attention...to zone out and watch everything all at the same time...i dont know what im doing ... im afraid to go to work today i dont know why...im annoyed but glad im only working four days this week and next week...im waiting and hoping  for something to work out..but im not expecting anything..my ability to plan or look forward to the future has gone away...right now all i can manage is to get through the day and even that is becoming harder..i wake up and want to go to sleep..i sleep i think..weird dreams.bothersome dreams plague me while i sleep...i dont remember them..just uneasy feelings...i feel useless and stupid and like a failure...im on the verge of crying at all times..and all i can think is that i need to stay at home and be good...ill stay at home and kill myself..but that is not important to anyone at all..as long as i am at home then i guess i am managing..im fine...i go to work and come home..that is my life ..or that is how my life is supposed to be..i dont know what i am doing..i dont have motivation to do anything really..and im trying to be positive and plan and think.bbut my thoughts become darker..and im afraid to be left alone with my head..but there is no choice..the holidays are always hard and right now with so much going on..im dreading them so much more...i cant stand being on fb right now because everyone is posting such happy pictures..spending time with family and friends..and all im doing is trying to get through the damn day and not think that my thoughts make more sense than anything else..i dont have anything left to ask for help with..because i keep messing up..and its like i dont know why ..but yes i keep messing up...gota stop writing before i start to cry...maybe ill just go to work a little bit early...

what am i missing ?

what am i missing?? what havent i thought of ?? im so tired of being told that i need to worry about myself..that i dont need to go and spend time over at sarahs...i really wonder what in the crap it is that my mom and sister think i am doing...im not going out to dinner or movies...i spend money on food, on gas, on the cats..im not shopping or paying bills for sarah..i dont understand...all i do is go to work and am at home..i go to sarahs house one or two days a week and not even full days because i have been taking the bus...im not losing the one person i have here that i can go to for support..all i do is worry and stress out...all i want is a few hours of not stressing out..thats all...and lately not even time at sarahs is a full time relief...i cant let go of the worrying for long..not even with her..but ill take the moments of freedom that i can get..im tired of being asked why i havent asked sarah to borrow money or why she cant help...geez if ive already told sarah everything that is going on..i would think that if she could she would help...its enough that i can go to her house and she feeds me while im there..no questions asked..the more they push the more i feel like i am being backed into a corner and i really will be left all alone..right now im hoping i dont lose my apartment...i am ..but if i do then that is what it is...i cant afford it...im without a car..i need to keep my job..i can rent a room..im not above doing anything anymore..and so yes if it gets to the point that i have to move and move quickly.then i understand that means finding another place for the cats to live..i know that my stuff will most likely go back to storage..and i will have to live with that..for a while if i have too..because there is no other choice...i have done everything i can..moved then and all of that numerous times..and yes even thinking about being without them makes me sad and the tears immediately threaten..but im not so far gone that i cant realize a bad situation..i under the situation is currently really bad..i know the holidays are coming..i know that im off my meds and going slightly crazy..i know that i dont feel safe in my own apartment ...i understand all of that..and i have to figure out how to make it work..with what i have now...there is no more hoping for the best..because thats not realistic...not anymore..but with mommy and nia beating at me from every angle ...its just hard to remember..but i cant go home...and i may not be able to fully explain to them why i cant or wont go home...the thing is that im just not going home...not moving home..that is not an option...not a good one...it will cut me off from everyone ..and i wouldnt last long...so my options are here and i have to figure it out for here..i have to figure out what to do..my doctors are here..all of them...its not exacctly easy to pick up and move back home where i will be totally dependent on mommy..no...the pros do not outweigh the cons and i really dont know what the pros actually are...i dont know what im doing wrong..and the more im stuck thinking ..the more i feel like i cant even go to my mom or sister for real help..not anymore..because suddenly all they see is that i want to spend time with sarah..i cant deal with them constantly telling me to focus on myself...i am so focused on myself..i cant freaking see straight...i do feel as if i need to shut down..just to begin to try to manage..some how...be obedient..follow the rules...i hate that it is beginning to feel as if i need to hide and lie about my life..but i dont feel as if i am being given a choice...not anymore...as long as i am not living in my car..that i dont have...then there really is nothing to tell...ill do what i have to do...as i keep being told..im not a child...so i guess that means making choices i dont want to make and living with the aftermath...

again betrayed...

it has taken me quite a few days of none stop thinking about the events that have gone on this week...and it all just makes me feel so very tired and sad...im hurt..much more than i think i would ever admit too...im still embarrassed and ashamed of what has happened...no i havent taken my feelings out on myself ..but all the same i cant seem to let the events go...what i failed to notice about making the choice to live with tramaine is that she has used little things and big things against me since the beginning..and i just didnt notice or didnt want to notice..maybe i was trying to protect myself in some way..keepp the peace..i dont know..but the part of all of this is that she betrayed my trust..and once again i feel that i can no longer trust anyone...i know that i will never again trust her ..but once again the damage has been done...it cant be changed...i told her things in confidence and from the get go she has turned them around on me..used them against me...i trusted her...maybe i felt i needed too..maybe i was just wanting so much to have a friend..in the midst of so much chaos..and this is how it has ended up...i have been called names..had my struggles thrown in my face..been left stranded and alone and frustrated..told to grow up and well a whole bunch of other things..and taji being in the bathroom sink was what broke the camels back i guess..that was the meltdown point for her..but i guess i should have known something was wrong..that something was up when her mini blowups began happening...and no i will not make excuses for my behaviors...and i may be a lot of things...i may not pay attention to things..i have been hurt and used and broken and wanting to die ..but i have never used information that someone has told me in confidence against them..i have never thrown information back in someones face ..never used there own struggles to hurt them..to make them cry...never..but that is not the same with tramaine..she does not hold the same ideals as me i guess..and i mean i dont have a lot..and it takes so long to earn my trust and she did..and now she has left all of it crumbled to the ground...even this morning when i was in the living room with her and her sister and niece..she still made little comments about how my social skills or lack there of leads to outbursts or something..but i said nothing..i let it go..but again i am covertly attacked again because of my issues..

the need to defend myself is so strong..the need to explain..to figure it out to make it work...carry all the blame..apoligize..fix it..make it better...it falls on my shoulders..i have to fix it..i have to be better ..i have to be more..how was i so easily sucked into such a warped friendship..trusting and so easily fooled...i want to go back to hiding away..not letting anyone know what is going on...not asking for anything from anyone...go back to dealing with things the way i did before..where words and tears were not the answer..when i cuold control the hurt and pain..when i was able to stop the saddness and just numb out..find an escape into nothingness..i made it then..why cant i make it now??? why is now so different? why cant i go back to before? when i could so easily escape the fears and hurts that i faced on a daily basis?? why cant i have that back??

before i was being hurt ..in so many ways..it was a part of life...a life that i had no control over..that i had no say in..i was forced to live it..and some how i stayed alive..i grew up and became my own worst enemy...no one else could hurt me...and now..the emotional hurts still go on..i am still being hit from different angles at different times ..and it is hard..because im supposed to be better..i supposed to want to be different and healthy and whole..but that doesnt give me an escape..no i can cry and talk and hope and all of it and still things stay dark and lonely and hurtful...and there is no escape..i try to escape and my attempts are stopped..always stopped..

i am walking in shadows right now...needing to hide and think and pretend that i am no longer a part of this world..no longer a part of a world that sees fit to keep hurting me...i dont have the energy to keep fighting a battle that i have not won in 31 years...why keep going ??  no i will keep my thoughts to myself..slowly slip away until there is nothing left...im all out of hope, and patience...my need to trust has been shattered...and i feel as if i am just some misguided lost soul...forgotten..used..broken..left to die...every day the thinking gets a little bit darker..i am trapped..and i do not think there is a way out...