never enough

Tears started tonight and it took a little bit to calm down...feeling the nee to destroy myself because I'm not good enough...old messages..old tapes playing..sadness drowns me..And I feel as if I am nothing..never enough as I am...go home so all my flaws can be pointed out for my own good...so that my thinking becomes confused and old habits never really go away... am I safe at home? I'm already freaking out..I my need to hand over my razors...I wish I could explain ..honestly explain why it's not ok right now without being told that I should be thankful and happy that I have a place to go..


Is suicide enough
???
Will I be good enough then?

This time skipped the si urges and moved straight to suicidal.....

Fml

Tired

Day 1 begins again... I'm just tired..my mind is tired my bones are tired. The worry increases and its causing fear and paranoia...I can't get myself to go outside today..I'm afraid...

fear of getting better...

my words and thoughts are confusing tonight...im trying to write but my stupid eye is twitching...

i saw anita today...and told her a million times that i wasnt going to talk her..but of course I did...I got her caught up on things an  How I've been doing ..and that I'm managing...it took a little while for the effects of that statement to kinda hit  me...And now I'm afraid of sabotaging myself...afraid that I'll get better and lose the support...I should want to  be better..but the fear  has set in...And I'm afraid.. I can't keep cutting...I'm actively working on not cutting right now and what thought pops up?? Purging...Yeah... one or the other but never both...what is wrong with me?  I'm struggling tonight..looking for an escape...

anxious

last night wasnt a good night for sleep...bad dreams...anxious dreams...my anxiety is up a lot right now..im trying to remember tat it is only saturday..i still havve until monday before going home..but the anxiety is increasing all the same..

broken pieces

besides feeling like crap today i was trying really hard to have a good day...and now all i feel is that i am broken and useless and not needed...a big big fear of mine is not being needed...being reassured that i am needed..anything to let me know that i am somewhat important..somewhat wanted... but mommy got me on the phone while i was walking to the store and i wasnt prepared for her line of questioning..all about me not bein all in sarahs business and that it looks like im taking advantage of her ..that i need to keep work and personal separate...that she doesnt need me..and can live and do things without me around...another attack on being in a relationship and her being uncomfortable..not putting any information anywhere..no talking about it..sharing anything about it...dont i keep enough secrets ?  its been drilled in not to talk about my relationship..so i dont...what else is it that she wants from me.. and my already low self esteem took a massive blow...i immediately started to think and wonder if it was true..i need so much reassurance when it comes to whether or not im wanted...or if im needed or important or doing something right..and for mommy to say that has sent me into no mans land...i feel worthless , hurt..a waste of space..that im not good enough..never good enough...i am not thinking clearly...i feel that i have to prove im needed..that if i do enough i wont be tossed out ..fighting hard to stay safe and not cry anymore ... i guess right now it is hard finding to energy to do anything other than crying or just being silent .. lay down and try to not think anymore .. earlier i ended up taking 2 of the clonzapan and fell asleep..instead of doing anything damaging...but i know where the razors are..my mind has been zeroed in on them since i came back from the store .. i dont know right now really how i am feeling..mixed up ..a mess .. nothing .. nothing

alone

tonite things are rough inside. feeling really isolated and alone...sarah is at her parents....they dont acknowledge me so i am not allowed to go..it has been this way since the beginning but still my feelings end up hurt ...and i worry while she is gone..if she will forget me or sstay there with them...im just sad ... not seeing t is causing feelings of desertion ... like no one is there anymore...scared to be leaving to go home next week..worrying and trying to plan..and just beginning to feel stuck i think..

Yesterday

Thank god yesterday is over with...it was frustrating and anxiety producing and drama from from my roommate and her brother that had me afraid to even have my family there....it was a big mess and then mommy came in and took over and just kept yelling at me about how disgusting my room was...and its like gee when you move things you find stuff underneath...but yeah..it was a hard day...stayed pretty anxious and afraid to leave to kids with her brother threatening to shoot her...and my brother has brought the baby and the kids and I didn't want to put them in danger either...I couldn't make this stuff up If I tried :( .. mommy of course got on me about cleaning and what I was wearing and rushing me to leave and finally I told her I was nervous about leaving the kids and my roommate ( we parted on good terms) ..I don't want to see them hurt in any way...luckily I was able to call Sarah and talk for a few minutes and try to calm down before we went to eat...and I also talked to my future sister in law and she was supportive too ... I have trouble taking on everyone's problems and get so freaked out..and I was already freaking out you know...but my stuff is moved home...I'm happily going to stay with Sarah for this week and to home next Monday ....we went out to dinner and talked and stuff last night...its really nice being able to talk about my day and be asked about my day and know that she wants to know and is listening to me...but I gotta get ready for work..still a bit down but going to get through the day.

anxious

I made the reservation with Wayne today for the uhaul... I'm really leaving...like really leaving....trying to shut down...hide..I feel sick...really sick...scared..Sad...anxious...And the kids have no idea...she hasn't told them...fuck..mommy is becoming repetitive...And I'm getting stressed...I'm struggling to calm down...And stay calm

Frustrated

I'm just frustrated and right now that is not a good thing because I feel like cutting..I'm pissed off at everything.and locked out in the cold which pisses me off even more...I'm mad at Anita and Courtney.. I'm mad that I couldn't get my meds filled ..I'm mad that I'm hungry and stupid but I did get cat food a little bit any way.. I'll figure something out..I guess..I'll have to since I don't have gas money ... I'm just sick of today and I think I'll take the last of the percocets before I do anything incredibly stupid..because my thinking is not good right now..today is just not a good day...

i like this one

happy New year

It's 2016... No I'm not going to right about how the new year means a new me...I'm still the same old me...the date changes nothing...I do want to say though that I wan  this year to be better..And so I have so things I plan to work on...this year is going to  be about getting myself together..becoming more self sufficient..And stable...I think that is the most important thing...becoming more stable..

My mood and feelings leave me so down...And I know Anita told me that the symptoms affect my daily life more than I let on...I try so hard sometimes and just can't manage..    I can't get out of bed..I have no motivation no desire..right now I'm fighting urges to hurt myself...And I'm not sleeping...I really want to sleep..

I guess you can say  I have learned a lot this year..about myself..How I handle things..How I think...I currently feel more broken than whole..but that doesn't take away the lessons..

I'm no longer completely sure why I wanted to write this...I'm feeling a little mixed up right now...Ok a lot mixed up...

urges

The urge has not died..or gone away..I'm struggling to stay safe..I'm struggling to even want to stay safe...give me back the few moments of calm..going to try to sleep a little bit before work..

Oh and yes
.tell the unstable person who can't handle change that moving will mean no more being seen at the clinic...Yeah..that was really smart...

cut

I am a cutter
I'm afraid I'll always be a cutter

I cut tonight and I didn't want to stop
I lost control
I didn't care

Something is wrong...
Why can't I sleep???

I'm tired

My arm stings
These will scar
I want to be upset with myself
But all I find is sadness
A bone weary sadness

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas world :) 

(My lovely Christmas roses from Sarah) 

I am doing everything I can to keep my mood level...in times of stillness I can feel the sadness at the edges..I feel quiet..I feel lonely but I'm not alone. I'm with Sarah and it has been great...we talk and laugh and well I sleep..I swear I try not to but it just happens!! I may have been a pain in  the butt yesterday because I wanted to open my gifts and kept being told no...you know I can be down right annoying but Sarah kept me in order and distracted..

We did Christmas over the phone with now and everyone..since I wasn't there and mommy sent my box here...I got kitchen stuff from man...gift cards that will be used for a date night ..clothes and bed stuff...Sarah got mg watercolor pencils and a sketchpad and a journal with a unicorn on it. :) definitely going to give the watercolors a try..I have been wanting to paint again  so this is good..oh and I got some movies and other coloring stuff too... I'm happy.. I am..And grateful because I know I,have been borrowing so much money lately and still I got gifts..I wasn't expecting anything at,all but mommy still came through and got me stuff...a stuble hint to lose weight but I know I need to work on my health..And I'm actually going to..I  afraid because of being  sick lately..  I don't want to go back to the hospital..And so that means a couple things..but I'll write more about them later on..today is a happy day right. Movies and relaxing with Sarah today..I made a cake and I'll be making dinner later on...Well a late lunch..And just having another day to ourselves..

I just hate that my mood still over powers me .... :( I may need to talk to Courtney about my mood swings again....blah

a new option

a new option as been brought to my attention in the whole possible homeless situation ... and what i may be able to do....

i was talking to mommy and she actually brought up that i could come home and just commute on the weekend ...something i really had not thought about honestly... i mean when the conversation comes up i do everything i can to avoid having going home as an option...but this time ...this time i may be going home ....short term of course ... to allow for saving and lowering my stress levels ..

te problem is that i have until the 1st of January to find somewhere to go...no other option and im not payin avante any more money for anything..so 1st i need to be out...this is causing me a lot of stress..i cant afford a place on my own because of money and my credit..i cant save because im not making enough money.. lookin for a place and finding a safe place is going to be hard.. the stress of everythin landed me in the hospital and i dont want that again...

pros of going home...
-it will keep my bills low
-i will be able to help courtney with marley
-i wont be alone
- i can come back and forth to richmond
-kai will be going with me
-i will be able to get online
-short term and sarah will keep reminding me of that

cons
-im going home
-ill be around mommy more and that causes fear
-i will have to be careful to keep the anxiety under control
-not feeling that i have as stable a support system
-more dependence on mommy
-afraid i will get comfortable at home

im trying to think this through completely because i need to know what i am getting into ... i can do it..i know that..but am i willing to ? do i want to ? do i really have a choice if i am fighting to prevent homelessness ... i truly want to become more self sufficient...i want to be able to support myself and eventually be able to live with sarah in october...that is the month we picked ... i want to be able to start over with her but to honestly do that i need to be in a better space financially...i need to have some money saved...i need to just be more stable and  in better health and all of that...continue seeing anita and courtney and megan... if i can remember my goals...well i have to set them first..but if i can remember them...remember that this is not forever..that this is not me being a failure..then it could work...it could ...

Well I'm back...

I spent a week in the hospital...from.Tuesday to Saturday because my stomach pains got worse...I was tested for everything possible and they gave me a couple diagnosis... I do not like the mri machine ..it scared me senseless...I had 5 ivs put in because my veins kept blowing out..the shift changes made me anxious..And I still hate wearing socks .even in the hospital..I did talk to Anita while there and Megan too..I forgot to message Courtney..but I'll email her since I need to see her this week anyway...it's so weird coming out of the hospital and being back  in the real world...I missed a whole week of my life..And now I feel a bit out of place..I'm still having some pain and I hate that I didn't get the pain meds filled..trying to manage though...I need  to do some research on ibs and gastritis..find out more about them...have been told I need to lower my stress levels..I'm always stressed! But definite changes need to be made because I am stressed out...

frustrated

Right now I am,just feeling so,frustrated and angry...I'm overwhelmed and tired..I haven't eaten on time today,so let's add in cranky and pissed off to..ugh...so much frustration...Anita was rough and I won't be able to see her weekly for a little bit...stressed out about finding a place to live...gosh I want my own place and its depressing that I can't get one...I don't have the money or the credit to do it...I would ask now but she is to far away..Maybe I need to just look at renting a room somewhere and trying to manage that....I don't know..I'm  tired of thinking and trying to figure things out...mommy finally agreed that it will be to much for me to drive all the way to nias on Christmas day just to turn around and come back...I can't afford it anyway...so no traveling but I'll be with Sarah....right now I'm not even sure I can afford.to mail presents out...I'm a failure..that is what this feels like..the thoughts make me want to  cut I'm trying to be ok and be strong and manage ..there is no time for tears...all I want to do is cry though..but no instead I'll worry and stress and try to figure somethin  out..the outlook is depressing...everything is depressing and I feel so inadequate ..so useless...antia  is right...I am holding on to a lot of anger..I try to hide it but it is always there
.I don't want to become that bitter angry person..I really don't...but I am angry..so very angry...And anger is one emotion I am afraid of...it's one I can't handle..I'm just struggling today and feel like I need to keep my thinking to myself...

I wish

  Wish I could just write and empty my head but my focus is shot...My thoughts are little jumping beans and I don't feel good...I'm really just hoping that I sleep tonight.
.

Maya is a liar and a thief... I am pissed off

what is wrong with me???

Something must be wrong with me..Im  flawed in some way...unfit to live with others..i don't know..I need to find a new place to live by Jan 1...I've been asked to leave and I don't truly understand why..I've talked to her about th  kids stuff and to ask .e..I tell her my schedule..when I ask if she needs help.she says she's got it covered..Ok..so I don't ask...I use the last of my money to go get groceries..did she bother telling me that the fridge is broken? I haven't been here..I try doing something and am asked to leave...where do I have to go? Where can I afford to go?? Just one more thing to add on to the list of things I have to figure out..what am I going to do...And I just keep thinking that I've messed up again....