grasping at straws

tonight i am doing everything in my power to remain in control but it is hard..it is tiring..i feel like i am trying and trying and still the thoughts win in the end..it makes me question what is going on and why i bother trying .. i am feeling so so angry, tearful, sad, just off..really really off and im trying to be quiet and deal and not upset anyone ..but i feel like i am beginning to go backwards and i dont know how to stop it..i just feel so frustrated and angry all of the time again..i am having thoughts of wanting to hurt..not punish but just hurt..to get a break from my head .. from the constant stress of trying to maintain control ... the anxiety has been bad .. and i am struggling and im still trying to struggle alone and quietly ..i want to be better..i dont want anyone to think that im not trying..but i feel like i am sinking in this ship that i am on...im losing interest again .. i dont want to do anything.. im tired all the time..i just want to sleep and have silence ... i need silence as things are getting louder in my head again ... im thinking and thinking and thinking and worrying and stressing..and worrying some more...frustrated with the need to be perfect and always failing and its makes me feel like i do need to go away..like i have failed just so very much and there is no hope..there is nothing at all and it makes me tired ...it takes so much energy to interact and maintain some semblance of anything..and its like how in the world will i manage to do anything when i dont want to be bothered..when i want to just be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone..i am afraid that i will just yell and scream and break down from something..i feel crazy..i feel mean..heartless..broken..and it comes from very deep within..


it is almost as if i feel safe and stable and so my control is slipping ..  the anger wants out but how ?  why?  does the anger hide the sadness or is it the other way around ?   maybe knowing i will be seeing mommy soon as set this all off again..maybe i am just crazy and need to stop pretending that i will ever be able to lead any sort of normal life.. i cant yell at people to not talk to me because it bothers me..  i feel like im drowning .. i fail at life ..i fail at maintaining..i fail at everything ..

beginning to feel overwhelmed..

my head is full of fuzz today.  it is hard to think..and it hurts...im just laying here really thinking about a lot of stuff..worrying about a lot of stuff..wishing i could just lay down and go back to sleep until wed when i see britney again .. i feel so out of it and frustrated and irritated ... and sad...  the sad is creeping back in .. i am taking my medicine ..i dont think im forgetting it..but im beginning to just kind of drift off and it is a struggle to get myself pulled together...i dont know.. little things bother me, noise is bothering me..i feel like im being invaded and there is no way to fix it... i am tired and i want to hide

why are people so cruel ?

my heart hurts for my youngest brother.  i feel helpless in this situation because there is so little i can do to help...i feel awful that life continues on and he is having to deal with a hell of a lot of shit from an ex girlfriend.  i wish i could do more.  i am worried and scared for him.  i am trying to have faith in the justice system but i am not confident in it..i want to believe that the truth will prevail and he will be found innocent of the charges...but he is a tall, muscular black man and i feel like the odds are already stacked against him :(  i hate feeling like this.  but i know my brother.  i believe my brother.  i will be there for him no matter what.  that is what i keep reminding myself. 

DIabetes chat

i saw the head honcho yesterday at the clinic..the endocrinologist who is the head of that department over at one of the hospitals comes to the clinic on tuesdays ..and i saw him to talk about what is going on with the whole diabetes life stuff.. my doc was able to have a nurse stay in the room with me while i was with him and for that i will be forever grateful...but it was ok talking to him about stuff..he is increasing the metformin again im im taking 3 pills now instead of two..and he touched my feet which was so weird ..checked my eyes too.. i learned that the dark rash looking thing around my neck is related to being diabetic and that my body isnt absorbing or making insulin rihgt..mommy forever tells me i need to scrub my neck and stuff when she sees it..i told her yesterday that it wasnt me not washing or anything and it still led to a conversation on using skin lightening creams to clear it up... i dont know how much more straightforward i could have been when i said it is a result of being diabetic..but oh well .. i learned something new.. but it went ok for an appointment... my daily numbers have come down to the upper 100s...that is a big big improvement ..i am truly horrified that i was getting numbers in the 300 and 400 earlier this month..which means my numbers must have been crazy high the past few months..but i am determined to get them to come down...and so the past few days its been in the upper hundreds..i am a little proud of myself for that..like the work has been worth it you know..i am concerned because he talked to me about there being protein in my urine..which he explained as meaning it could be that the diabetes is messing with my kidneys ...i had to pee in a cup yesterday and all of that for it to be checked again..but i am well aware of the complications of diabetes..and i refuse to let any of that happen..diabetes will not kill me...so i go back to see him in a couple months.. hopefully i will be able to handle the increase in the metformin. my stomach has been a little off yesterday and today..but im hoping it will ease up...

i also should be starting the food pharmacy program soon.. i filled out the questionnaire thing with ro yesterday and so i should be getting a call about it...the cooking class will be every other thursday in the evenings..and ill be meeting with a nutritionist/nurse weekly for 12 weeks..and well free groceries are involved ..that i am super happy for..groceries are freaking expensive lol.. so that will be happening too...  im suddenly very very busy lol..

depression ... lack of confidence

ever since mommy has told me about the party i have been beating myself up..wondering what to wear..wondering if i am good enough..and the more i think and worry about it..the more my confidence lags and disappears...i mean there wasnt a lot of it anyway but its like scraping the bottom of the barrel right this minute... i keep looking for outfits or dresses that i like..and judging my self harshly because i dont have the body to wear them..i want to look nice but im comparing myself against other people i know will be at the party and its like i fail miserably..and i am ashamed that i cant wear a lot of stuff because of scars...and i hate it..so much for fitting in...i just dont ..and ill never be good enough ..and i just want to go ahead and give up..im frustrated and sad and scared..

undercurrents of thoughts ...

you know that nagging feeling..that something really needs your attention but you arent completely sure of the what or why or how?! yeah ..
i talked to mommy the other night and was informed that i was to be home on the 17th of june for her retirement dinner thing. it was implied i would be there, it was also implied that sarah isnt invited. i know a lot of the people my mom has worked for because i babysat for almost all of them. This is not a jeans and tshirt type party and so fears and uncertainty and judgements are slowly popping up. what to wear, what to say, to starve or barf..how to be perfect when i have accomplished nothing..they are slow thoughts, like i have to stop being busy for them to become noticeable. but the undercurrent of thoughts is there, the guilt, shame and jealously are there. all these people that hail her as the greatest most helpful person ever and we are over here like umm no i actually dont want to go..i dont have anything to honor for her..but id better be dead if im not showing up....

got a kitten and other stuff :)

this is my newest little munchkin.  she is 7 weeks old and her name is xena :) :)  gizmo has taken a big big liking to her and seems to be almost in parent mode..kai is very unhappy with the new addition and is keeping his distance...right now i have her in the bedroom and have food and a litter box in here for her..so that they can stay separated a bit for a few days..she is a curious little thing..and has made a place for herself in the closet...she lets me pick her up and move her around..and she slept with me on my pillows.. i want to get her a couple toys of her own to play with when i go to the store tomorrow.  i think she will fit right in though..she is vvocal and not afraid at all.  i love her to pieces ..i love all three cats !

today started out rough but it got better.  i had therapy today and we talked about different things... i havent gotten into the major stuff with her yet..not really...but we are working on the daily stuff ...  working on taking more notice of the positive stuff .. aand well there seems to be a bit of positive stuff going on right now. 

my working on getting my sugar down..and my numbers are getting lower ... im trying you know..next friday im going to join the rec center ...after the maymont adventure i realize that i am so much weaker and i dont like that..so gotta get stronger ..

tomorrow i go back to class and that is exciting...

but things are ok overall right now..they really are...  im so afraid that ill do something to mess it up or something..blah..that part sucks ..the thinking and worrying that goes on in the background... but im trying to give myself a break you know...

Pharmacy Class has begun

just a little ramble..brain is on high alert. i miss school. ok i miss the school supplies but being in the pharmacy class today as an older person is so very different from being that scared college kid. no i still do not want to do a presentation or speak in front of the class (there are 4 of us) .. but i know i will. i expectations are different in this experience. like i signed up for the class. so that means no halfassing it ..i paid for the class with my own money. so there is a commitment there. i have to see it through. i have to work hard and pass. I want to take the national test, not the state one. i want to be certified, not just have the license. this actually interests me, it holds my attention. Im so glad that it is a course for 12 weeks because there is a bit of math involved. no i am not a scared kid who doesnt know what in the world im doing ... ok i am a scared kid but i have life experience now. this is a different kind of scared you know... this is a scared that is mixed in with i know i want to do this, i want to do a good job. I want to learn this stuff and know it and remember it. I have to keep reminding myself im not going to be seen as a kid .. i have to be adult. I have to say what i know and not pretend like i dont know stuff. but i dont want to be a know it all either. 

my brain is going back and forth a lot right now..and i know i need some down time to kind of regroup and focus ..im gonna have to go and get a few more supplies ..and im gonna have to schedule in study time at the library.    

It is nice to have something that i am working towards. that i actually care about.  im not being forced to do it..im not needing it to pass something ..it is totally my choice and that makes it so different in a lot of ways. 

Happy Easter and other rambles

Happy Easter ... i added a picture of sir hops-a-lot and oliver from my easter basket :)   i got loads of candy and some small toys and did i mention candy and movies and a poster that i can color...mommy sent me jewerly for some reason ..but i talked to her this morning and told her happy easter so that obligation is over ..  im making a big easter dinner..ok kinda big..im making roast with carrots, mac and cheese, broccoli and rolls ..it is going to be yummy..

this weekend i am keeping things majorly low key..last week was busy with babysitting and then having nia and noa and rob here...we certainly managed to cram a lot of activities into only a few days...we went out for ice cream, we went to the childrens muesuem, the movies, maymont park, and the melting pot...it is was busy...super busy..and very tiring but it was a lot of fun... noa even picked out a trolls toy for me :) i have it on my dresser with my other little toys... and sarah got me an easter bucket that makes me really happy !!   my current obsession is these little things called num noms..they smell really good !  and again they do absolutely nothing..but i must have them! they are so cute...im searching for the pbnj, the grilled cheese, and the berry waffle !!  i must find them :) 

with everything that has happened my body is so worn out...like i have no energy left...im more determined to get my physical health in better order... like i wwent to maymont..and we walked the entire thing...the uphill little hike at the end almost killed me...i felt embarrassed that i had such a hard time doing it...i really thought i wasnt going to be able to finish it..and i had noa cheering me on very loudly...but its like im seriously out of shape...like i worked for an outdoor camp at one point you know..i did 4 day hikes..i danced for years...my legs used to be so much stronger..and now they are weak and i dont like that ... i have to get stronger..that will probably help my back to...i am feeling a bit more focused...i need help though...goodness do i ever need help with it..so ill talk about some of my concerns with the nutritionist on monday... and yes i know better than to eat all that candy i got lol...im gonna break it up and it will probably last me quite a while !   

but over all ... im trying hard not to beat myself up over it...i have to stop myself from thinking of how awful i did and focus more on that i actually finished....or that i overate a little bit this past week...ok i had fun with my sister visiting...today is a new day...so many ways to think that are automatically negative and attacking myself and it happens so easily..and so trying hard to remind myself of the positives..like yep ive been taking my medicine..yep ive been remembering to eat something with it..hey i got out of the house every day last week..its the little things that i gloss over and instead want to focus on the not so good... but it is constant work ... tiring work.. 

so next week i start my pharmacy tech class.. it is here finally...for the next 12 weeks i will be learning...and at the end of that...ok in september i will be getting a job in a pharmacy hopefully ! 

august though is still the wedding and i need to start planning for that...hotels and travel time and everything ...driving up to michigan and ohio... fun...that will be my last bit of traveling though for this year... this year for the holidays we are staying put...   i am planning a cruise for early next year though...ill also be going home to get jalen in june..and he will be with me most likely until aug..so yep..busy busy busy time coming ..

and the medication issues are minimal right now...i did increase the metformin to twice a day...starting yesterday....and im being very very careful to eat when i take it...no more taking medicine on an empty stomach..i have to remember to call the appointment place and see about an appointment with the endocrinologist .. ill do that tomorrow...

but ok ... i think that is about all of the needed rambles for today. :) 

back on the metformin and other stuff

well...i restarted the metformin yesterday...i am struggling with my feelings on why it is that i have to take it again..and struggling with the worry of having stomach issues again ...  so far it hasnt even been 24 hours yet and there is a little bit of stomach hurting ... maybe it will be ok this time around ??  gosh im hoping so..but ive also taken it enough to know that i may not be able to take it without having the stomach issues... im supposed to take it with food and already my dodgy eating has me taking it without eating..im going to go and fix something to eat in a little bit ..  but im not that hungry...like an hour ago i was starving and now i dont want to eat...weirdness ...

my back is still bothering me a bit and im frustrated with that too..right now im sitting up but braced against the pillows and im forcing myself to kinda stretch my back ..because it hurts.. 

not much to write about right now though..mood is really really down...  im missing bounce a lot ... i love kai and gizmo..dont get me wrong ... i just really miss bounce ...

i start my pharmacy tech class soon too...and that is a giant giant thing !  im so nervous and scared ... but i will have paid for the class...so i will be going of course.. but it is just nerve wrecking to be starting something new ..

i also was informed that i have been recommend for like this cooking class thing at the clinic...  doc told me she thought of me when they asked about people who were dependable and came to there appointments and would benefit from the class... i mean i can cook fine lol.. but this is going to be about a bit more than just cooking ... so i hate to admit it but i am kinda interested in this particular thing..although when she told me about it i was horrified lol... it is another 12 week program ..  i seem to be really liking 12 week programs lol ..

oh and im going to be referred out to see an endocrinologist ... to see what they think may help .. i mean just from taking the metformin yesterday evening my sugar was 226 this morning before eating..for what my readings have been lately that is positively low ! but i know there is a long way to go ... so that appointment i have to call about next week.

hhmmm ok ..now i guess that is all for right now ..

very dejected

so very very dejected  ... i went to see the doc yesterday and of course got my lab work done ... i go like clockwork because of being diabetic and stuff...so every three months i have to get it done and have my a1c checked.. a great a1c is under 7... mine is currently 12.7 which is super high and in the major not good zone...my a1c like everything else is all over the place but it has been steadly creeping up..but ive had it in the 7's before...and so the doc called and let me know what it was this morning ...and i had been hoping that it was going down..and its not ...and i have been working so much harder to eat better, to stay on top of the meds...and doc reminded me that it has only been about a month since we have been working to make changes...so the next a1c will be a better representation of the hard work ive been doing ...and since i refuse insulin, i have to go back on the meds that may have been causing some of the stomach issues..and the whole thing just makes me want to cry. i just get so frustrated..i want to see results now ..from the changes i am making now..not three months from now and i just want to give up and say screw it because i cant do it..i cant make the number go down..and ive failed again i hate all of this..i hate food, i hate snacks ..i hate wanting to eat .. or needing to eat..i hate having to check my sugar...i hate all of it i hate not being able to eat like everyone else because my body doesnt want to work right .. why cant i just be like every body else..why cant my body work right ??  why cant my mind work right ??? 

why cant i manage the feelings of needing to punished for failing yet again :(  

i think i need to be quiet for a while ..

secret thoughts ... and pain

ive been thinking a lot lately about food and stuff...ok lately all i think about is food and eating and what i can and cant have and all of that..with seeing the nutritionist and the behavioral health people i am talking a lot about diet and struggles with it and stuff ... and i keep asking myself why is it so so so hard for me...what is causing the major struggle ... and the refusual and fighting it and given i am making changes ..slowly but surely i am..but they arent happening fast enough and i want immediate results and that means i end up being even harder on myself because i am not getting immediate results ..and my sugar readings are so up and down it is dizzying ... 

once again after a lot of thinking ... and a lot of wondering.. i am pulled back into my past ... to when i was a kid ...  mommy singled my out because i was always bigger...overweight...she would not let me have the same things as everyone else..she watched me and criticized what i ate or didnt eat...while at the same time using food as a reward in some ways..there are a lot of humiliating thoughts and things from mommy around food ..a lot of things she has said or brought up around others to shame me into not eating... the purging is a direct result of this stuff...the not eating is a direct result..the over eating is a direct result of this ....  i get so so jealous because even now i cant eat what everyone else can..because i feel like i am still being singled out..and i fit against the changes because i dont want to be singled out..i just want to fit in..and i cant ...  for health reasons i cant .. but i cant seem to let go of the hurt feelings ..  cant let go fully of the love hate relationship with food .. it is a very big battle .. it is not as easy as just dieting ... its that sometimes i end up eating like a toddler..sometimes i feel like i just need to eat..sometimes i feel like i cant get full...the cravings ..the wanting .. the need to just eat at times ... it is embarrassing ...  it really is...again that being fearful of things...being fearful of being watched ..and everytime i eat around mommy i know she watches me...she tells me later on whether i did good or not...did i eat all of my food or did i end up taking some home?  did i do good or did i fail ??   like i got pizza today for dinner ... i didnt stuff myself to the point of being sick..so that is a little bit of progress i guess .. but the other thought is gee you ate pizza you pig..well worse than that ... but again i am not very nice to myself anyway...

sigh

my back is really really hurting ..since yesterday night ...  spasms at time ... constant pain ... ive just been laying down most of today taking ibprofen ... i need to get some aleeve..that one is a muscle relaxer and may help a little better...im currently sitting up and my lower back is spasming ..and i can feel the pain radiating around to my stomach and down my tailbone .. i dont want to move at all honestly .. but again ..i dont have time to be hurting and what not ..so i need for this to go away..but i see the doc tomorrow ..so maybe she will be able to help...

but i need to lay down..so that is enough thinking and writing for now..

hmmmm

im laying here trying to figure out how i am feeling...im not happy but im not sad..im thinking but the thoughts arent racing..im tired but not completely sleepy..im somewhere in murky neutral area with everythhing.. sometimes it feels as if my secrets are just spilling out and i keep saying things..like how i really and truly feel and how i think and how i see things and it is hard..it is uncomfortable and it does make me feel incredibly vulnerable ...

where is my brain going with this ???

again today i ended up looking at stories on pregnancy and really wondering what it would be to get pregnant and have a baby...me ??? yes i know i am wondering about my sanity too..im like the worst candidate to be pregnant..i have tons of stomach issues..im old..im fat..im a mental case ..im AWFUL.essh... like that alone should be enough to get me to veto the idea ... but there is a little part that still wonders what it would be like...and i know it is epically gross and disgusting and would take a lot of patience when the time came to give birth...shoot that would be a miracle... but i just keep wondering if i could do it...bring a kid into the world and not freak out..would i be able to be okay enough to manage ...

i guess that lately with all the nutrition appointments and thinking about and looking at my body..i wonder you know...i wonder what the ultimate goal is...what am i working towards...maybe i need a goal..and i know just getting pregnant is certainly not that cut and dry..and would involve things im not comfortable with..maybe i feel like i am running out of time ?  ill be turning 34 this year ... and with all that i have put my body through i dont even know if it is possible ... -sigh- 

i know having a kid wont make me feel great and happy and will probably be incredibly stressful and im afraid i will be like a prime canidate for like post partum depression or something...i guess my biggest fear is that i wont be able to handle it...i wont be able to deal and i will screw the kid up..

blah...brain is way in left field currently...like way way waaaaaaaaaaaaay in left field ...

maybe its that i havent been feeling super adult lately...


just a lot on my mind today..

im glad ill have therapy tomorrow..
who knows