sad

I want to write but words escape me..sadness nd loneliness are eating at me. I'm so scared and worried and trying so hard to hide it. Sarah needs me to be strong. I have to be strong and calm. No crying. No cutting. I have to remind myself of these things daily..if I stop for to long or think to much I'll cry..I'm going tomorrow to see her..after I see Anita..I'm scared..I'm not strong..I'm so so sad

School

My memories of school are sketchy at best...I did enough work to pass..but I wasn't really engaged I guess...we moved when I was in elementary school.. Maybe middle of ,3rd grade or so..I was new and scared..mostly the other kids just wanted to hear me say different things because of my accent..I didn't make friends...I didn't really talk much.fear maybe..I was afraid to be noticed.. Lunch times where hard.in elementary school I know I had to stay in the cafeteria. I sat alone and rarely spoke to anyone. In middle and high school my gears jhad increased..there was more paranoia..I felt like I was being watched.I didn't have friends ..I rarely eat in the cafeteria.. I hid in the bathroom aalot to eat lunch and stuff because I was scared..sometimes I went to the library..but more often then not I was alone. I was bullyed ..because I was fat, because I was quiet..I don't know why.? I just didn't fit in..there was no place for me and I didn't know now to make a place for myself..

Sleep is taking over...bye

Touch

As much as I may try to fight it..I am drawn to touch ...I need it...I need it alot and that makes me so uncomfortable.. And I feel needy and clingy..I try to be OK by myself but alone I get trapped in my thoughts..and I end up not OK..but I want Sarah to touch me.?yesterday I was drowning in loneliness and today I feel content.. I spent a few hours at Sarah's and just laid down with her..we watch a movie but contact was kept between us..and as soon as I laid down and snuggled into her I calmed...immediately calm and quiet...I don't know how it happens but it does...it makes me want to be with her all the time..and never leave her...because I'm OK with her..I'm more than OK with her...it is difficult to produce these same feelings on my own.. I just want her..and only her..I can feel some jealous feelings popping up ...but trying to deal with them...

Just thinking

My thoughts aren't racing but I have a lot on my mind...I am tired..like my body..my bones..my brain.. I'm just so tired..I know I'm taking to many pain pills..I'm up to about 3 a day... My supply is lessening...I'm not taking them to get high or anything.. Half the time it's just to help me sleep..other times it is for back issues...but I have weird little water blisters popping up on my arm..and I don't know what's causing them...they don't hurt or itch or anything and a little scratch pops them open. It's just weird..I will have to make a list for the doc..blah I have a few things going on that I need to talk to her about...I am becoming more aware of my body and that scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does..I'm beginning to realize the pain I have inflicted on my body..the self harm..the b/p..not eating right..not moving enough...like I take care of my body like 15%...crap I can't even take a shower on a reg basis...and the more aware I become the more I'm getting antsy to make changes..give up sodas..eat better..join the y...take my meds right...the way I care about Sarah's health is what Anita wishes I would do for myself.

Work is hard right now...i m reacting alot ..I need to keep my head down and do my hours and go home...I have to get better at controlling the things I can control and stop trying to control the world..

My forgetfulness is increasing ..my anger is increasing..Anita said lack of sleep and maybe that is true..but I know myself..it increases when I'm stressed but right now I'm not 100% sure of what I'm stressed about..maybe some jealous pertaining to Sarah..and worry about her too.. Nervous about my birthday ? I m not sure..and I hate not knowing what's going on with myself.. I really do..

Today

Today has been a real struggle...I was so happy when Sarah told me she would get to come home today..my day was off to a good start...but work stuff happened and I slowly became angry and frustrated. I'm tired of the secrets..I'm tired of watching my words when I have so much to say...I wish I could feel as if I was truly free..I can't be myself..I can't celebrate my life with my family and it just makes me sad..I feel like such a loser and a liar..yes I have my other account.. But I just wish I could be myself and stop hiding so much.these days the secrets weigh heavily on me..the emotional backlash from remembering is happening..I have trouble containing the anger.the sadness. The fear..it all just makes me so tired.and I end up feeling like giving up.. Because it's to hard.. But I can't quit. I just can't..I have Sarah now.. I want to be with her and means being alive kind of...I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now..I'm trying to cope. Pills are bad right now.. But I'm coloring and listening to music and reading...my last self harm was 8\18\15... Not serious a few scratches.. But I have to keep reaching out before things happen..that's the key..I'm jumping around between a lot of stuff.I think I'll go lay down since its after midnight..and I'm still up..get to see Sarah tomorrow before work..cuddle time before work...maybe just a little time to relax..and regroup before work..OK bed. Yeah

selfish thoughts..racing thoughts

Right now I am really feeling badly..like almost into the hopeless, nothing matters stage..when nothing makes me laugh or smile...when I feel so broken and can't stop crying...I argue the need to reach out and then can't manage to keep any type of conversation going..I'm blaming myself, feeling guilty, useless, afraid,.scared and alone...the need for impulsivity is high..very high...thoughts of how to hurt overwhelm my brain..And the. I shut down...I've thought through numerous scenarios..planned out the least obvious..even set it up to happen and I couldn't do it..so I can add failure to the list to. There is no relief when Sarah is in the hospital ..No amount of trying can get the tears to stop..I was with her today at the hospital and I was kind of ok..trying not to cry once we found out that she would be admitted...they have taken her away again and I am alone..I talk to her on the phone and I cry
.I'm so pathetic..And I hate myself for being so weak...I've talks  to his and mommy..I pushed what I was feeling way way down..No tears..Just explaining..showing how strong I can be..talked to someone from work..I was happy and talkative on the phone..all lies..all just so no one will know how broken I am feeling..I just want to be alone and I am alone...I told Sarah I would be hiding out in her apartment..And now I'm scared..her apartment feels darker without her..I want her here..I want hugs and kisses and to be able to see that she is ok...instead I can't deal and hide away from everyone...I wait for Sarah to call and try not to cry on the phone and beg her to come back..I don't mean to be so selfish..I don't know what to do with myself..I've cried so much I have a headache..I've been sitting silence for hours..I did read a bit..but that's about all...I overage and didn't throw up so now I'm feeling a bit sick..stupid choices I make..How do I ever pass for an adult? Right now I feel like a very sad and lonely little girl..I don't feel safe. I am afraid..but i have to keep being strong...so I cry quietly in the dark while writing...do I nee  to take more pills?? Why can't I sleep? I need to stop thinking...o want to stop feeling...I am not myself without her...

Yeah..selfish is all I am

fears

I'm afraid to sleep...I'm afraid if I sleep I won't hear if Sarah needs me....I feel like crying because I really am at a loss for what to do..she is hurting and in pain and sick..And all.comes can do is wait for the doctors to figure out what's going on...she's been sick twice tonight and all I could do was help her  get cleaned up tell her it's ok..I have to keep watch..o have to help but I don't know how..I know she is feeling bad about getting sick..And I'll keep reassuring her that things will get better..I'll need to,keep my hormones in check..And stay calm...for her...

The sadly funny thing is that I decided not to be in bed with her because her legs are bothering her...if I had been in the be  with her I'm not sure my gag reflex would have held out...there were a couple iffy mime talk an  I had to take a step back and breathe before I hurled too..things are quiet now and I'm hoping Sarah is sleeping...she really is tired...Maybe I'll quietly watch Netflix or something...I just keep thinking I need to be up...

so many thoughts

My brain is overloaded ...I'm so excited to see Anita tomorrow...And I'm even more excited to know I'll get to.stay with Sarah until Friday morning..a much needed break..And much needed together time...gripes I'm sleepy..Ok lay down and then write..yeah

progress...acceptance

 you know..i came to my sisters house determined to relax and have a good time and all of that..i knew we would be going to the pool at least twice ..and i love going to the pool...i havent been in years really...i stopped going pretty much when the scars started accumulating ... i couldnt show them to anyone..i couldnt let anyone see them..or even know they were there...half of the time i pretended that they werent there...i can still look right at them and not acknowledge them at all..i dont see them...i convinced myself that they werent there...in reality yes i could see them..but at the time i wasnt truly seeing them...for years i wasnt truly seeing them...i would go back to and forth to therapy and talk about it a little or not talk about it..but now things are beginning to reach a point of being different...of seeing myself differently..something is changing and i cant really put my finger on it..but lately ive been wearing tshirts that dont really completely hide my scars...i came to nias house and put on a bathing suit and went to the pool..and got in...i cant hide the scars on my legs..but i tried to still keep my arms covered up..but i was in the pool...i had to work really hard to just focus on being there with nia and noa and curvon and not that people were looking at me ..or judging me...i had moments of just really wanting to hide out and got nervous from so many people being aorund me..and not being able to just say ok ive had enough its time to go...i wanted the kids to have a good time ..and heck we paid to get in..i wanted to have a good time too..but so often fear sends me running in the oppisite direction...i wont do a lot of things because of the scars...and the fear of them being seen and wondering what people will think...but i know they scars arent going away..they arent..they wont grow any smaller..they wont fade out..they are there permanently..and i guess i took responsibility for the cutting but ive never accepted it...sometimes im able to see it as a behavior...sometimes not...its still touch and go..but this time i was determined to have fun..and it took a lot but i did go to the pool and the museum and all sorts of stuff...i wore a skirt..and tshirts ..and i know at times my scars showed..i know they definitely showed at the pool...i still pull at my shirts trying to hide them when im out..but that is more of just a nervous habit ...but its to freaking out for long sleeves..no i dont think i will ever get to the point of wearing tank tops except when im by myself or with sarah...but maybe ill get around to wearing shorts again...or going to the pool more often...even holding noa in the bottom picture scared me when i realized that she is pulling at my shirt...my scars are showing..and i was going to take the picture down..but then i changed my mind..and left it up...i like the picture..i dont want to be ashamed of it..and take it down and hide it away..so i did put it on facebook..on my main page ... yeah im hoping no one makes comments about it..im not so sure i can handle that...buti cant  control what other ppl do can it?  sigh...i wish i could but i cant...so maybe the small rebellion has begun...slowly the scars controlling me will let up and ill be able to breathe...

my niece in her innocence has showed the world my scars...i wont hide away from it...i cant...she will get older and ask me what happened...i still want to be able to tell her the truth..that i struggled but i got help and got better...

worried

I,am,scared and worried about Sarah...And now I'm far away and can't get t  her and all I can.,do is be reassuring and be there for he  over the phone.. I'm afraid she is going to have to go back to the hospital and that scares me..I'm already trying to shut myself down and do stupid things out of fear..I want her ok and better and her not feeling good makes me cry...I  glad it's.the.silent tears right now
..I'm aat nias..which will keep me safe but I want to be with Sarah..i have to keep it together..I have to stay in control...I have to. Stop crying..I will be talking to Sarah in about three hours and will check on her..today is doubly sad because Emerson is going t  his new home today :(  Maybe I need to lay down for a bit...I have been up since 6 worrying...I'm just scared...I want her to feel better..she is the strong one..I'm not..without her I keep falling apart....No more leaving her...I don't think I can handle it...

This one speaks to me

I'm lost without her :( :( :(

Sad thoughts. jealous thoughts

I'm just feeling off.sad. lonely..afraid..Sarah is still in the hospital.. She is still sick..they keep changing when she can go home..its Wed and she is still there ..I miss her and I do go to the hospital.. As much as my anxiety allows..so like every other day..I feel so disappointed that I can't manage the hospital.. She is stuck in there and I can't even get myself to visit her everyday..we talk on the phone a lot..but I miss seeing her...and I'm feeling jealous of the around the clock care...I'm so screwed up...-sigh-

And I have a friend who just made her two year milestone of being si free..I'm super proud of her..and sad for myself..thanks to recent behaviors I'm on day three..my count keeps getting started over...that's what I get for being impulsive...I'm ashamed to say that the hurt from the scratches was a welcome feeling.I liked it..I needed it..I wanted it..I don't know..I'm just feeling so stressed out and worried and I'm just doing a lot of stuff to kind of ignore it all and not have to deal with it..I'm making poor choices.. But right now I don't see any other way to deal...my supports aren't there and I fall apart without them :(  my lack of being able to deal on my own is appalling.. I'm not thinking.. Lately I'm to drugged and out of it to really think clearly...

Things are a struggle

I'm struggling a lot right now...just making some not so good choices and going back to hurting myself in a lot of ways..I'm scared with Sarah in the hospital.. I'm frustrated that I can't handle being in the hospital with her..I can't keep control of the anxiety..I panic..I can't sit still..I'm worried...work is draining me..I'm not complaining I need the money..but I'm so tired and feeling on edge..the expectations are even higher.. There is not enough staff.. I've done doubles for the past two weekends..I'm working full time and I'm only prn staff..I'm being asked if I would consider the house manager position..I'm upset that I can't see Anita. I am feeling so overwhelmed without her..I need someone to talk to..there is so much in my head..I'm trying..well I was trying harder but Sarah ended up in the hospital and I lost it...instantly got overwhelmed and started scratching my arm..nothing deep but it hurt..and I keep taking the percocets I have...its numbing me out a bit..but I know I'm not working today and so im staying a bit out of it...I'm tired..but can't sleep..I didn't sleep well last night...I think when I'm not sleeping well things get worse.. And working overnight has messed with my sleep schedule... And I need to get my meds filled..and going out of town maybe..but Sarah is not feeling well.. And I'm afraid to leave her..maybe I'll go and lay back down for a bit..

a mess

Currently a crying slightly drugged mess..can barely keep my eyes open and fighting the urge for more pills. Scratching at my arms...it burns but if you don't know what to look for.you won't see them. No razors. I want razors. The fears overwhelm me..I'm cracking..
I just want t  sleep and not think or feel anything. Stressed and anxious and overwhelmed..And scared cas Sarah in hospital and I don't do good in hospitals and I try but get so anxious.. and scared something back  is going to happen. It's hard for me to be there but I don't want to leave her by herself..And I'm trying not to shut her  out. But want her to feel better and not worry about me..I'm ok .  I'll be ok  . I just need to sleep. Yeah

Important

I wish I could copy what Sarah wrote to me yesterday when I was feeling so lost and empty...it meant a lot seeing it..hearing it..

I feel like I'm remembering to much..to quickly..the urge to hurt is very strong..overmedicating a lot..i just want to sleep..and not think...I'm writing.. I am