negative mood....extreme

as the day has gone on..my mood has gone downhill with it...i dont know why..ok i have some clues as to why..but im just ...im feeling stupid and selfish and lonley and lost and sad and just really trying not to cry from feeling so utterly useless and annoying...im currently waiting and praying for sleep before i get up and do something really stupid..just because my thinking is in overdive and my anxiety is up and im ovverthinking and trying to stop my head and not think but its not working and im upset i guess and i dont want to bring it up because its the same old issue..i need so much freaking reassurance and comfort and whatever and its not fair to expect it all the time ...and not getting it shouldnt make me feel so upset... i dont know...im just stupid...and selfish

going home and stuff

Once again I don’t realize that im doing something or that im feeling a certain way until after the fact…I didn’t realize that once again I was tracking things that weren’t happening between sarah and me..until something did happen..and suddenly all the things that didn’t happen came into focus and I realized that I had been feeling a bit unwanted I guess..maybe unimportant is a better word…and I didn’t know I was even feeling that way until yesterday..and we have both been so busy with work and not feeling good and being tired and not seeing each other..and I guess some of the small things kinda stopped happening and I noticed but didn’t notice at the same time…and I yesterday .. I was tired and cranky and tired and sarah ended helping me relax and later on I suddenly started thinking that ..ok I am still wanted..and I didn’t want to be a dork and just thank her for what happened..so instead I told her that I had been feeling not wanted..and sort of why..its hard having those types of conversations …and especially with coming back from being at home and feeling more watched and having to be careful knowing that mommy was watching and so everything did stop..no touching or anything really…no giving anything away..and so it was a completely hands off..your a friend and nothing more type environment and that is really hard to do..since being at home is hard for me and sarah already knows that…and not being able to really get that comfort and physical support…not sex..but physical comfort…and with getting so frustrated and anxious on Friday and not having the money I was expecting and not having all of my meds ..and just feeling unable to relax and or fully calm down…and trying to just be more than I was..and worrying about sarah who ended up not feeling good while at home…and just being at home and feeling so very much like I once again truly do not fit into my family…even more now…everyone is breaking off into their own little families and im not allowed to have mine…and so im just alone surrounded by everyone else..but I don’t fit into anyone elses family either..and so I did feel incredibly left out…yes I got to hold and play with marley..i talked to the boys…I saw noa who doesn’t remember me and wouldn’t come near me…I talked to nia and Courtney and wayne and henry…but now the differences is that nia of course has rob and noa…wayne and Courtney has marley and the boys..and henry of course has so many friends he is never lacking for company or friends…but me..i never had anyone…there was never anything for me at home..growing up all I did was babysit if I wasn’t at home or with mommy..i didn’t have friends and I never went out ..coming back isn’t a time for me to go visit anyone or to catch up with anyone..no one misses me or needs me around..im nothing there..no one..and even in my family I am invisible..a mistake…I have done nothing..i have given nothing…im not social enough to be invited anywhere..and im truly not invited places at all…if mommy or nia didn’t mention me I guess I prolly wouldn’t be remembered at all…but its ok..im used to being forgotten..and maybe that is why being forgotten is one of my biggest fears….because I am forgotten..im already forgotten…there is nothing about me worth remembering…and maybe that is where some of the never ending loneliness comes from…feeling that I don’t ever fit in..that I have never fit in..once again…something has been bothering me and I was not fast enough to catch it…or figure it out..i talked about it a little bit with sarah..but of course there are deeper issues…there are always deeper issues.. and maybe I need to stop writing for now… I can tell this is not going to end well ..my thinking is going in circles and I hate them all…they are all liars..they have all lied to me my entire life and none of them helped and none of them noticed and all of them told me to be grateful..and see..this is why writing is not always a good idea..

cant sleep

another night of missed meds and i cant sleep...im frustrated and overwhelmed and stressed and anxious..and the negative thinking is taking over to the point that silence really is the best option right now...im going over and over in my head of how to make every thing work and the strain is making me just feel like crying...i cant do it...unfortunately a lot is riding on my small check im getting tomorrow and the wiating is driving me crazy...because i dont know how much it will be or if it will actually be on my card and im just freaking out a bit and just scared about going home and i keep reminding myself that im going to see the baby..that im going to see noa and nia and everyone ..everyone sadly enough except mommy ...i dont want to see her...im not good enough to see her..i havent lost enough weight..i havent fixed enough things about myself..im not better..and just so many things..and she will look at me and just hate what she sees and i will know it..i always know it..i need my stupid razors i should have just gotten some yesterday...but yeah  silence  is better right now..i think im going to try to go back to sleep for a bit...its only 3:30am..and ive been up cleaning and what not since 2..im trying to distract myself...but the anxiety and fear is already becoming to much to deal with..and im getting lost in my thoughts

racing thoughts

early morning writing because my head is all over the place..trying to make everything work for today..trying to fit everything in for today...im so looking forward to next weekened ..its crazy..i want to just  get away so bad .... even going home is appealing...i know the anxiety will set in as it usually does..but sarah is going and we may be able to even get a small bit of time to ourselves..i doubt it but she will be there...anita told me that sarah kept smiling at me..every time she looked at me...something i dont notice...i mean im not ignoring her or not paying attention but i dont think i notice things like that if i not like talking to her ot looking right at her...but one hour with anita and she noticed it..go figure..but its ok..i trust anitas opinion..not that i would ever tell her that lol..but anywhoo..back to today..i have to see my client..make it over to the office to pick up my check...hope i go out with my client to walmart so i can cash it and send money to mommy for nia and rob...figure out what bills need to be paid right now...figure out what i can spend on the baby..and then meds and snacks for the trip..cat stuff...work stuff for next week..i need to pack my dinner for today...i want to wash my hair so badly..its gross..but i cant find my brush..and that annoys me....i think im just beginning to stress out about a lot of things...all at once...and i just gotta get through these next two days and ill have a break...ill still be busy per say ..but not so much...and it will be a little bit easier i guess .... i hope ... hmm maybe ill be able to get a pretzel today or something good to eat...my stomach actually feels ok right now...surprise! 

im still losing weight ...i got courtney to let me check yesterday...so that makes it that in about a month and a half ive lost roughly 15 pds....i could probably round that down to more like 4 weeks or so but whatever...i was trying to remember when i saw the doc last and everything..and count..but technically im tracking my weight sorta on sparkpeople . i swear i join and rejoin that site every year..but anyway im just using the trackers on there ...occasionally i track my food and what not and when i do start going to the pool and stuff ill be adding that in...but for now im just kinda doing the weight thing...

things are moving along ... with well everything..there is so much to do and like no time to do it in...like deadlines are looking at me and im just like not sure what to do about them..there are things i need to do that i am putting off in a major way...ugh..i really need to call my school and figure out how to get my transcripts released...but at least i have the correct number to call now...so i guess that is something...

blah

steps towards self care...maybe a little bit ?

yesterday..i had a long conversation about work and the struggles i am having there...last week in therapy i had a conversation about work and the struggles..i constantly and talking to sarah about work and the struggles i am having there...do we see a theme here???? the group home is a trigger right now..and i go to work but right now i am having trouble controlling my self and how i am feeling and just my thoughts and feelings and anger and all of it and i can feel that i am going to end up reacting badly and lose my temper or something over something stupid because i cant get a release on the feelings that i am holding in..i cant figure out how to let them out safely ..and so they keep building up and building up ..and it is not going to end up..and with me being triggered so often and unable to keep my personal stuff separated ...im just constantly walking on eggshells to make it through the shifts...the cops and emts coming so often..the hospital trips and the arguing and games and manipulations are getting to me and my anger just gets harder and harder to control...i go to work and try my hardest to not argue with her..and to remember that i am the professional..but the boundaries dont stay in place..and then problems start happening.. and well yeah... not good things start coming up..and i end up in a not good place at all...which is where i have been at these past few weeks and it hasnt been getting better...

so in all the talking i keep being asked what am i going to do..how am i going to handle it..what are my next steps...and i want to pull my hair out trying to figure out how to deal with it safely and sanely and like kick her or something ..ok not good i know .. but ive been thinking about it non stop..and i had talked about cutting back my days due to my other job..and i am still going to do that..but right now...next week..i had already planned to go ut of town that weekend and that made the beginning of the week super crowded and i was just feeling overwhelmed thinking about both jobs and fitting everything in and trying to make everything work..and already feeling like i was on such a short fuse and really the only thing that i could think of to ease the situation was to get away from the most stressful thing..which is the group home...i need a break..a serious break...and i know that mean that it will be crazy hard next month money wise but i will out a way to make it work

and in my entire life ..this is the first time i have ever made a choice like this..the first time i have ever taken my on struggle into account for anything..that i havent just made myself struggle through it and pretend that i can handle it...i know i cant handle it..i know that im not ok right now ..and i asked for time away to hopefully get it together...i cant believe i did it..i dont know how i did it..but i did it..i actually did something to take care of myself on purpose..

writing ....again

i wish i could say i was ok ...that i wasnt just sitting here thinking about going and getting razors..or going and finding more pills...the worse i feel and the more awake i am..how does that work exactly..where is my escape..i dont want to be awake right now..i want to be nothing..i would much rather prefer to numb out and instead im just awake and thinking non stop about things..nonstop thinking about every single thing going on...worrying about noa and her surgery..bills and money and work and jobs and moving and life and sarah and the cats and everything and it makes me tired and im bored..i dont want to do anything..just lay here and sleep and not even sleep is an escape ...with out the dang xanax im not even sleeping as much ...im awake and i dont want to be awake... no pain pills no nothing...im feeling worse...ive gotten to triggered and not had an outlet for it..and so ive begun taking it out on myself without actually taking it out on myself...little things..picking and scratching...not actually eating..not sleeping..showering is becoming optional .. my room is a dirty mess..all i do is feed the cats and some days it takes taji crying for 15 mins straight for me to even figure out that her food bowl is completely empty..im an awful person right now...i am..i deserve nothing because i am nothing .. im tired of fighting to just keep doing the same thing ... i am a failure ..playing endless adult games that i dont understand  and am not able to win...ill never be able to function correctly...always flawed and broken and sad and just not all there..something always missing...but i have to pull it together for work... smile and  talk and keep it together until 10pm...maybe somewhere in there ill actually eat something..and maybe ill even take my meds and quiet my mind ...  maybe

ugh

once again i feel like i feel like im trapped..stuck..in a situation and i dont have a way out..im over thinking and struggling and just trying figure out a solution to so many different problems and its becoming overwhelming ... well its already overwhelming ...

right now with two jobs things are getting a bit difficult..and will get more difficult as i get more clients..i know im going to cut back my hours but that hasnt really happened yet..im down to four days ..but with going out of town next week that pretty much means that ill have to work the beginning of the week..and that wont work with seeing clients...and then going out of town for the weekend ... and money for that..and bills and im just feeling overwhelmed .. with all of it...im thinking about just taking off the entire week from the group home...but then i feel stupid for even considering that knowing i need the money...but if i have two clients i will be able to see them and still have money coming in and be less stressed out...im tired...the past few weeks have been incredibly hard and tiring and triggering and im just tired of all of ... but again i feel stupid for even considering taking a full week off...i just some time away from here..from richmond.. from work..from obligations ..and from stress...again..i just dont know what to do

hating mother's day

I have tried today to feel something other than sadness and hate for today and I can't.... I want so much to be happy but I'm filled with hurt and anger instead.... the questions surrounding my adoption have no answers so I come to my own conclusion... some one threw me and my sister away ..even. in the very beginning I wasn't wanted... who took care of me I'm the couple years my sister lived? I don't blame her for taking all the attention ..it is just...I was hard wired to be ignored and forgotten..and then i got older and had the joy of living in fear...learning to fear.. wishing to die and looking for an escape... from my life...from my mother... I don't feel anything special about today.. I made my customary phone call this morning..sounding happy and in a good mood... but it was soul crushing...pretending to care on a day that means nothing to me..maybe going home is a mistake waiting to happening..I'm not good enough yet...I have to become good enough first... I need to not eat so much...I need to do more...be more....I just don't know

shame

My mind is still.going in circles...I keep thinking and trying so.hard to just allow things to be but i cant...im ashamed...ashamed of the scars the hiding the heat..the pretending.. the not being able to be like everyone else...never like anyone else...

it is becoming clearer....

i can not work with someone who is actively self harming ...not in a professional sense....it gives me a sense a uselessness that is overwhelming me ...i feel lost and like i have let every one down because i am not able to save this girl..another incident tonight and my thoughts are circling again around cutting..around hurting..trying to convince myself why a few cuts would make things easier..would let some of the pressure go...but i cant..i cant..im trying so hard..and its so hard being strong when i watch her and she takes this way out ..over nad over and over and it just kills me to have to keep working to stay safe and she could care less...and its like im stressed and overwhelmed but im expected to be ok...and im not..i just want to sit and cry right now because im feeling bad ..and stupid and flawed and sad...and i cant get the thoughts to stop...

i feel like a failure

going to write..going to try to write ...

my mind is on overload and i am sad and probably triggered..i am having things on repeat..and actually it is the same phrase that has been on repeat for a couple weeks now and i couldnt place it until a few days ago ...its from girl interrupted...but quotes on cutting...both constantly going back and forth...still no major desire to cut..but again the thoughts just plague me..try to get past all of my other thinking and take over...thankfully i have to many other thoughts going on and other stress going on right now that it cant happen...not like it usually does..im feeling miserable enough without cutting currently..thanks to my weird stomach issues and current food issues..and no energy...and going back to wanting to sleep all the time..and work being a massive trigger...i saw anita yesterday...and i knew i was beginning to get angry about work and going to work..but i did not really realize that it is getting beyond just being angry and getting into dangerous zone where i am beyond angry and possibly moving beyond thinking rationally about situations and then doing something stupid...and im trying hard to keep control .. but my ability to stay calm and separate is slipping..i know this...i can feel it..i hate going to work..it stresses me out..it upsets me and yes it triggers the heck out of me...i wish i could that her cutting and stuff isnt a trigger but it is..just with all of my own stuff going on ...the small need for escape is always in the back of my mind...and going and having to deal with her behaviors and the cops and hospitals and all of that is a trigger all by its self and staying professional and talking to them..and feeling so stupid because she does this stuff and doesnt tell us and we dont have all the information and cant really do anything but tell her past history..not what she has currently done..it is upsetting and it makes me feel like i cant do my job..that im not doing my job and that ill be in trouble for not being able to stop her...for not being better in some way..and it all becomes a big big circle...im not good enough for anything..i cant do my job effectively..i cant do anything right..and then i hate her..i hate her for everything she does and everything she is able to get away with..and i want to scream and cry and yell and all sorts of stuff because its not fair ... i cant get away with anything and she get away with everything ...all of her behaviors are brushed under the carpet ..it doesnt matter that shes been to the hospital..it doesnt matter that she is actively cutting..it doesnt matter that she is calling the cops or that staff is calling the cops..the people in charge arent at the house any ..we can barely get them on the phone in an emergency..they are useless...they dont do anything to help..they still give her permission to go out and give her what she wants while saying she is being manipulative and playing games and that they are going to talk to her and fix the situation and all sorts of stuff and nothing is done and its not fair that she gets all this stuff and can do all these things and the other residents cant..so yes it makes me angry..very angry..more angry than i thought possible because it is happening so often right now..because i feel like i am her target..because i barely want to interact or talk to her unless i have to .. because im tired and going to work has become an automatic stressor..and im not sure anymore how to deal with it...im worn out..i dont want to do it...i hate that i have to do...if i was 100% positive about my other job i would just quit but because im not i cant .... im afraid ill have to stay...im afraid ill be stuck there...im afraid ill be there and not to leave because of the cps thing and that makes me feel completely hopeless..and useless..