a struggle today

Today has not been a good day...I made some very not good choices..I cut my leg this morning out of anger..And being  overwhelmed...I did bandage it at least.. it's sore....And walking hurts a little bit...I'm trying to remember if I took my meds this morning...I think I did..the morphine from yesterday kicked in this afternoon and knocked me out..I was hazy and had no idea where in the heck I was..And I was only in bed...I was a mess.this afternoon..Well later this afternoon..

Mommy got to me both yesterday and  today but it was this morning that it was to much...  I was stressing about my car an  talking to the insurance guy and money and  a million other things and she calls to yell at me about a stupid gofundme page..told me I made her look bad...that i was begging..that no one needed to know if I was struggling...on and on she went..I told her that I am working my butt off with my head hurting every single time because I am trying hard not to have to ask for money..I'm trying to jungle an almost minimum wage job against bills and life and meds and the outlook is depressing..I'm trying and all I get from her is that it's not enough..if I sound ok  on the phone  .Ok I guess Im  going to work..if i don't sound ok..go to the hospital and then go to work..there is no stopping..No giving in...giving up is failure..suck it up and move on..

How it goes from 0 to 100 with her...
The cycle begins slowly enough...the accident happened...I called nia and not mommy because I didn't want to deal with all  the questions right from the start from mommy..I kept her updated and she updated mommy..I called mommy after I got to the hospital..let her know what happened and that I was ok..she asked some questions but I told her my head was hurting and I would talk to her later..she asked me to call her when I got home that night..I called  her when I got home...she called me the next day numerous times asking how I was and asking about my insurance stuff..what to say and what not to  say..I started getting headache  And she pushes  going to the hospital...I went and was told I had a concussion...the numerous calls kept coming but they slowly began to focus more on insurance stuff..money..the deductibles..who I was talking  to..was I calling enough..if i complained of not feeling well she mentioned the hospital..told me to get a lawyer..to have a doctor trail that something is wrong..that she would talk to a family member and let me know exactly what I needed to do...on my days off I was sleeping a lot..And she didn't like that.. she told me I needed to keep calling the insurance people..she told me she didn't like how I was doing things..she told me that I would lose my car and have nothing and no one would be able to help me...that conversation got me to start questioning myself..what,was I doing wrong? What hadn't I done? I had called and left messages..  was becoming afraid that mommy was right .. that some decisions  was going to be made and it would be a bad one and it would be my fault for not trying harder..I began to tell myself that I was mess in  up..that this was my fault.the accident..that I was  going  to lose my car and my job..that even though I'm not feeling good I have to keep going to work..  have to keep trying to do something right in the midst of so much wrong...I started thinking about cutting..wanting it..needing it..I finally got in touch with one insurance person only to be told my case was  transferred...I got the information for the new person and began calling him..the not  I couldn't get him on the phone..the more paranoid I got..I was stressing myself out worrying about the rental..about work...about if I would have to drive home..what would happen..And having to go  back an  forth to the doc because of the headaches...the more I couldn't get answers the more worked up I began..And the more negative I got ..until I was feeling suicidal..until.  I was tired of fighting with myself and tired of listening to mommy and tired of insurance and worry and not knowing what was going on...I finally talked to the right adjuster just to  be told that my car was considered a total loss..And that some one else would be calling me..i  didn't want to tell mommy that because I felt like what she said would happen..had happened...I messed up... i ruined my car..And now I had nothing..I was at work when I got that information and spent the whole shift thinking of a way to get one of the box cutters and cut my arms and wrists...I wasn't able to do that...instead I came home and found the dilaudid..And suffered for a couple hours after taking it because it makes my chest hurt so much..but I took it anyway it made me unable to stay awake but the real weirdness happened today..this afternoon ...but this morning mommy again called and yelled at me..this time about the fundraiser thing and I really did just lose it I guess..I started crying and agreeing with everything she said..that I had messed up and made her look bad..And that no one needed to know I was struggling..And all of that..And as I listened and agreed with her..I very calmly planned where I was going to cut...I hung up after she was done ..avante was in the process of leaving and I told her I was fine in some form or fashion..I think I just shook my head and close  the door actually because I was crying..I waited until the house was quiet ..the baby was sleep..I was watching  him...got what I needed..And did what I did and then bandaged it up and put pants on to hide the bandage..I cut until I calmed down pretty much...watch and analyze what I'm doing..not enough..to much..not deep enough..How to tell when the anger is gone...this time I was angry when I cut..which is kind of a don't do that rule...those are worse...those show a lack of control...those show the  absence of pain..because there are more.And they are more likely one top of each other and stuff...it can get messy...but that's pretty much what happens..the cutting has gotten the suicidal thoughts to slow down a little but both are still around..

total loss

My car is a total loss...the cost to repair it is more.than the car is worth ..My car is gone...I tried to see about raising money to help.pay the deductible..I saw nothing wrong with that...I didn't see it as begging...but mommy did..she got me.this mornin about it...it got back to.her that i,was begging. I wasn't begging. I.wasn't..I've taken it down of course...I cut ...instead of killing myself and I'm still thinkin  about cancelling t...I don't want to be seen..I don't want to be anything..I'm trying my hardest and its not enough
.two notes to keep my ass home and I still go to work because it's drilled into me that I have to...sick or not I have to... I just want to not deal right now...I can't deal...I feel so useless and stupid and sad and worthless and so so so not ok

overwhelmed to the point of numbness

I'm so very tired..bad night of sleep..took some morphine...bad idea...I said not to take it again bit last night I was wanton  t  cut so bad that I chose practically giving myself a heart attack ..for whatever reason that shit hurts like a bitxh and I can feel it moving through my system...And so for a couple hours it was suffer central...I didn't ask for help..I didn't deserve it..I managed..I slept like shit though and I still want  to cut..I will...it's just a matter of when at this point...I'll have some alone time this morning...so whatever...I'm stressing ...overwhelmed to the max and frustrated...I found out yesterday that my car is being classed as a total loss...what in the hell am I going to do..because I have  insurance and everything I'll get some settlement for my car but will it be enough to get something else...?  If I can't keep the rental how will I manage to get to work? How will I survive at all at this point??
I have another doctors note to not work..And what am I doing?? Going to work...I have to  work.i told someone last night that me a my concussion are going to work..And have been ..i didn't even truly take off a single day..i got them to switch my day to later in the week..why bother eating when I take Tylenol and aleeve all freaking day long just to manage and that's at the bare minimum...the headaches kill me..but I have no  choice. I have to keep an income coming in..No matter how small...these days I feel like crap..medically I feel like crap...emotionally I am incredibly suicidal...I don't have the energy to go through this again...I really really don't..And giving up just begins to look better and better and better..because I see no,,way out..I'm working and its not enough...in mommy's eyes I'm not doing enough and I  not doing it right..let's ignore that most days I don't feel good anymore..but again I  am a failure..I ruined my car..I should have moved more..or left work earlier or something..this is my fault..And I can't even fix it.. and there is no more borrowing money for a car..there is nothing...nothing at all..I'm just done..

hurting

 ..I'm once again writing this and trying not to cry...My head hurts so much..I just got this job..I can't call out..again already.. I came home last night and crashed..cried on the phone with my sister my head was hurting and I didn't know what to do...I woke up an  my head  hurts..I just want to sleep..I'm only taking my regular meds and some aleeeve..something heavy or that I shouldn't have..mommy is pushing for me to go back to the hospital..  don't wan  to though :(  it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do...I have to work..I have  to get the money for my car..I don't have any options. I don't know

Mommy is pushing for so much right now and my head can't handle it..insurance and lawyers and cars and it just makes my head go in circles

I'm just tired...so so tired

very angry tonight

Everything seems to be getting to me today..everything....sing  I heard about my car...And maybe that is affecting other stuff..I don't know...but I think I've ended up pissing everyone off..And it just pisses me off even more...currently I'm just up thinking about my car...My situation..My life..My lack of a life...My joke of a life and I want to end it..silly little argument with avante over the kids being in my shit...hello this is nothing new..and she knows that. She knows they are in my room and take my stuff out...she knows I find my stuff all over this house and I leave my stuff in my room...but she picks tonight t  want to tell me to speak to,her children in front  of her...Ok then..whatever..I'm the one with shit missing...with shit broken...with shit lost...stuff I came here with is gone...My mugs..My knick knacks..My magnets..stuff out of my room...gone or broken..but I say nothing...How many nights have I come in and my chargers are out of my room? And I have to ask for them back..My stuff...they didn't ask for it..or to use it.No they wait until I'm gone to come and get things and then can't find them...I told her I didn't want them messing with my movies because one of my cases is already lost....but still they are being taken out of my room when I'm not here...but again I don't say anything...I let it go..but I'm wrong in this to right...because I'm here I'm freely supposed to allow all of my stuff to be ruined to be destroyed...Yeah..My hand is forced ..because I have no wear to go...And so,silence is my friend ..hiding is my friend..I have nothing anyway...why pretend otherwise..

worry

I'm going to write some because I can tell that,I'm getting angry and. I Don't know why..I started to get anxious at work..reminding myself I didn't take any meds this morning..great...No...left work and its pouring rain and mg lights aren't the best so my anxiety just spiked..I was scared..I couldn't see..I was afraid of getting into an accident..I made it home and still it was pouring  And I was locked out which did not help my mood any...so then I was in I don't want to talk to anyone mode..came in..took meds and laid down...kaiya decide tto have litter box issues tonight so I ended up cleaning her and the litter box out..And now I'm laying here..unable to sleep and just getting more and more angry..I know I'm stressing about stuff...And my eating is all weird and all I want to eat is sugary stuff..cakes and cookies and candy..I'm tryin  to do a good job at work but my need for reassurance is already popping up and it has been like 2 shifts..I'm worrying myself to death with everything

trapped

I'm feeling quiet..tired..a bit worn out with things I guess.Maybe it's the depression...I spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed sleep or just lay in  down. I did go to the store and sort of cook dinner..And then that was the extent of my energy it seems
 My first day at work was hard..it was restock day pretty much..first day and I got to spend it looking for where all this stuff goes.
I tried to keep a positive attitude..but it got harder when I couldn't find things..And had  to keep asking for help..I of course didn't have snacks and so I knew when I started to get cranky and frustrated  that my sugar,was low..but I didn't want to make a big deal about it because there is a young girl there with diabetes and her  sugar dropped during the shift and everyone was focused on helping her and so I didn't need to make a big deal about it. When I get some money next week ..I'll buy so stuff to take for lunch well snacks since I don't really get a lunch..I'm hoping my hours stay the same each week though. That would be nice. If I can just snag another day..but we will see how all that goes...

Sarah is out of the hospital..she got out on Wed...I'm glad she is out..she still may end up going to the crisis unit..but won't know that until next week...which has me thinking a mile a minute about everything and nothing...I'm just off..Just waiting...I did let her know I won't be comin  over when anetras there..didn't realize it was bothering me so much until she asked ..but it is bothering me...Sarah going  away is bothering me...but  it's not my choice is it..im supportive...but I have no answers..And that bothers me to.

I'm trapped in my head today....really really trapped

My thoughts move backwards

Sadness engulfs me...fear...tears...not understanding...guilt...I think and think..I don't sleep because I'm thinking.trying to figure out I don't know what..I'm lost and my thoughts become so convincing...No point in not cutting if it will keep me calm...May as well..bad bad dreams..pain..death...rape..torture..violence..I keep ending up in bad situations...I'm sick of slee

empty

Right now I'm feeling so empty and alone...And stuck I guess..  want to be ok for Sarah..And she has my full support and I'm so proud of her for getting help and calling her docs and going to the hospital...but at the same time I feel useless and alone...I know she needs to figure out what's going on and get a handle on it...but I feel as if I've been left on my own..And its making me just want to shut down..  don't want to talk to anyone..or do anything...  don't know when she will be able to call me or when she will be out...I am mad and jealous..I tried everything I could to help while i  was there and it wasn't enough ..And it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough..I didn't care enough..I failed..And now she is in the hospital..the jealousy is coming from the fact that she is in the hospital..that she can go to the hospital or crisis program and get help or get a break..but I'm not allowed to do that..personal rules... I guess...And I can't afford to do it anyway...And mommy would kill me herself...Yes those are the reasons ..Well some of them anyway for avoiding the hospital..things aren't that  bad for me..I'm only thinking of killing myself a little bit this week..so that means this week is acceptable..there is a major need to hide my thoughts..pretend I'm ok...as I usually do..otherwise I'll just be stupid and not stop crying...she is safe and I'm happy for that. I truly am...I'm just wondering how safe I am...the thoughts weigh heavily on my head ...another night of no sleep..not even with the medicine..I just stay up and think...but maybe today I'll just sleep..I'm not to sure about managing today safely..

life waits for no one

My brain is sluggish bit I feel like. a lot is on my mind right now so worrying it is...I'm back on my meds..  saw my doc today and i actually let her know that I was off of one of them and because my blood pressure was so good today she said that we are going to hold off on the one I'm not taking..And see how my blood pressure does..I have to go back in to have it checked in a couple weeks..but everything overall was ok...got my usual lab work done, and depo shot and flu shot today..to say my arms are killing me is putting it lightly...I'm feeling. A bit miserable actually..My weight is the same though...for three months I say that is good but I told mommy and got the you can do better speech and so immediately felt bad but I'm to tired to take it out on myself today..I'm just down. I had to take off my shirt at the doc to have her  look at my back...embarrassing..but I needed her to see..she sent in a cream..Maybe Sarah can put it on my back  for me...

I talked to Sarah the other day about somethings and we had some time together and it was a much needed release...I'm just stills  struggling so much to accept that sex is a release and that it's ok to like it and want it and maybe even need it. I can't get there as often as I like and so it hard  ..And I get stuck and act on things negatively..I don't mean too

Things with Anita are rough..Well rough territory..scary territory...

I may have a part tome job...at ac moore...I  waiting for my background check...And then ill know when I can start...it's something..I'll be able to live..it's going to be tight..but I'll manage..somehow I'll manage.

Secrets

My whole life is made up of secrets..keeping them..protecting them?!hiding them...when do I bet to stop keeping them.Anita is slowly learning my secrets..and she will hate me too.I'm trying to push people away..I don't know what I want..right now I'm sorry I exist and I'm wishing mommy had gone through with what she threatened all those years ago...why couldn't she have just killed me then..and it wouldn't have mattered..

down

I'm feeling so down..My thoughts are getting darker..what's the point of fighting...the planning and plotting an  thinking are going on...what do I want to do..it's a choice..  i now.. I just keep making bad choices..And these choices will kill me...eventually...I'm just tired and feeling alone because I'm having a hard time pitting things into words..I can't ask for help when I don't know what's going on..I can't ask for comfort from Sarah when I don't even know why I want it...And not being included is makin  me sad..Well sadder...I know she would..but If  I'm not invited and not wanted then I'm not going to show up.but it doesn't help my any thing..to be pushed aside for reasons I don't fully understand..but it's ok..I'm not bothered. I'm fine..it's a part of life. I am reminded again that regardless of it all I will never fight in..

Aimless...

I'm just feeling so aimless right now ..I'm not sure what I want to do and the energy and drive isn't there to do anything with either..I'm sick of laying in bed..but I'm stuck in my head..which aggravates the already aggravated symptoms of my head and leaves me with to much time to think and plan and remember and wonder and question and feel useless.. And I just wonder what I am doing. What am I supposed to be doing and I'm afraid to truly revisit that question from Anita about working and doing a job..and me and my views or plans or whatever you want to call it..I don't know what to call it..I can keep a job can't I ?? Have I become so messed up that I cant? Do I expect things to be given to me?? I don't know what to think..maybe it truly is better I get out of mental health and see how I do away from the field..just a regular job..no taking another peoples problems ..but at the same time. I don't trust my ability to do anything else...I can't be normal..I don't know how...I feel stupid.

Something is brewing in the corners .maybe that isn't the right choice of words... something is driving this current back and forth anger and sadness and I'm getting those questions I have no answers to. Why couldn't I protect us? Where was everyone at and why was no one there? Someone is looking for answers that I just don't have..I feel guilty for not being able to answer.. I feel guilty that the questions even have to be asked. I think I'll go back to laying in the dark.

Overthinking

Something is bothering me..I'm not sure  what it is though.. My mood goes up and down and I'm suddenly feeling more down and lonely and I'm not sure why..I'm feeling mean and spiteful and I just want to be left alone..suddenly the need to run and hide is strong...to just go away .. I don't understand. Yesterday was OK right? I held off the thoughts but I guess today there was no holding them off and so they returned...they are back where they are comfortable .. Causing me to doubt and question and fear everything...

Happy Birthday

I made it through my birthday. I am 32 and I am alive. I worked hard to have a good day yesterday and overall it was good. Some down moments and struggles but lots of good moments too and I even got to spend the whole day with Sarah on Sunday. So overall a good birthday.

What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...

Outlook ..abuse..mental illness..families

I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.

The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .

I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.

Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.

Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.

You deserve to die
I hate you so very much
Just go away and leave everyone alone