getting stuck in the past

every since i saw britney i am struggling a little bit with maintaining control over my thoughts of mommy ... and it comes and goes and it is hitting hard this evening..and i dont know what got it started off again...but i cant seem to get the thoughts to stop and it is dragging me into a not so great place ...

mommy has a great face that she shows the world and that has always been a sore issue with me..because i have seen her when she does not have her public face on..i have been on the receieving end of her hitting and yelling and all sorts of stuff...i have listened to her rant and rave for hours and prayed to just be hit or whatever so she would stop..ive listened to the threats and comments about how i will be taught a lesson..god forbid i got in trouble while we werent actually at home because then the whole trip is ruined while i try and fail to disappear..try to be good and hope she forgets she is mad...  but i am told over and over how caring and helpful mommy is..how i am so lucky to have a mom like her..im told i should be grateful..im told that my childhood was awesome because i did so much stuff..went places..traveled ..did stuff.. and it hurts and i feel like im such a liar.that i just didnt really see anything...i made it all up..how can what i saw be so different from what others saw?  how can no one see what i see ??  i dont understand it :(  these worries have kept me silent a long long time...who would believe me ?  why would anyone believe me?  how come i cant be more grateful and not so selfish?  how come i cant just let it go ?  maybe that is the million dollar question..why cant i let it go?

i cant let it go because it hurts me...my past hurts me in so many ways and i struggle still to understand all of them..i struggle to remember..i struggle to forget..i struggle to put things in order..i struggle to stay alive..i struggle to breathe and live each day because of the past..because i cant let it go..because it still haunts me .. because it sneaks into my dreams, my thoughts..it takes over how i feel and makes it impossible to remain present and remain adult..it makes it impossible to grow and manage safely because of the fear and pain and hurt that i cant release..because tthere are so many questions and i do not have any answers..there is no why..there is no why did she pick me ? why was i signled out so much..why was i the one that was always with her, i tried to hide, to be quiet, to not be seen..and still she saw me...she found me..she called me..and i couldnt say no..i followed her blindly and pushed the panic and fear down..until it was nothing.until i stopped feeling...

i talked about some of the things mommy have said to me..how she told me she makes me angry on purpose so that i will do what she wants..or how im to selfish to ever have anyone love me...how im selfish and dont care about anyone but myself ..when she asks me why cant i be more like nia or my college roommates..why cant i be more talkative.. she told me that something was wrong with me and that i needed to be in the hospital.... that i am a liar and a thief ..and that she wanted to kill me..that she could kill me. the list is so very long of all the things mommy has said to me..if she wanted to break me she did..ive been broken for my entire life. i asked britney if a parent is supposed to tell their kid that they want to kill them...i left out the part about her holding the knife ... but i saw it...i still see it..she is behind me ..right behind me ..and i remember that i wished and hoped and prayed for her to just put me out of my misery..and she didnt .. she just didnt ... there is the stuff that goes back further than that incident..making me eat out of the toilet, beating me awfully when it was assumed i pushed henry down the steps, washing me and dressing me as a preteen..forcing me to do things ..not protecting me.. excluding me and telling me so..because i was only needed for cooking and cleaning.. because as an adult i panicked so bad i was sick when henry and i broke something that i was in tears and trying to figure out what to do..he took the blame and wasnt looked at twice... because i get paranoid that she is following me ..and will randomly show up to see what im doing .. that she takes my money...she used to just take now..now she is nice enough to ask me for it..she can tell me what my checks will be before i even see them... because she can still guilt me into almost anything..

because im still willing to die if that is what it takes for her to love me... everything about that is saddening...and the thing is..i know i mean it with all my heart...i will die if that is what it takes .. or my behaviors will kill me .... how is that for some ultimately depressing shit on a saturday night..

im tired of writing.....

well...its saturday (not anymore)

well..it was saturday..and then it was sunday..and now it is monday and im still looking at this page wondering what in the world it is that i am trying to say...


i went this morning and got my shot..and ran a couple errands..and now im home and laying down because my arm is going numb...stupid shot..and being to feel a bit crummy..so laying down it is ... i have therapy and see the bh people on wed and that is all of my appointments for this week..i am going to get my hair done on thursday and so i guess ill be spending tomorrow taking out the current style and washing my hair and all that good stuff...

im trying to remain positive on the whole money aspect of things..like i paid the bills, paid my own bills, got all my meds, we have food, gave my brother a little and ordered something for mommy and i got a tank of gas, and the cats are settled ... and im down to dust in my bank account and it is a little disappointing to see that i have no money left for anything fun. .. but things are paid you know..im trying hard to accept that this time around money had to be spent on stuff we needed..but sometimes it is just frustrating to watch all of the money just slip away with not much to show for it...blah..its ok..it will be ok if i could quit worrying about it..i have enough left over for therapy on wed ..and then its kinda ...uh ill be hanging out at home for the rest of my life lol...

this weekend was really really rough ... mood wise i couldnt seem to stay stable..up and down..ok and not okay..tearful and angry...everything...nothing...i felt so unimportant and like i wasnt needed or wanted..i didnt feel good...sarah wasnt feeling good and ended up going to the hospital twice .. and i was feeling i guess exposed with the whole budget thing being shared around with her family..and worries about a lot of different things..and i was upset with myself for being upset about it...i want to be supportive and caring and i ended up upset...ugh..im such an awful uncaring person..it shouldnt matter that plans had to be cancelled but for some reason this weekend not being able to do the fun dinner just made me upset...i know its not the end of the world .. and yes of course i would rather she go to the hospital and get checked out to make sure she is ok...i dont like her not feeling well and i feel so helpless because i cant do anything to fix it... -sigh- oh and yep still hate cleaning up vomit...i think its safe to say that it doesnt matter if its my own or not..vomit just well sucks..and its so gross .. and stomachs are just gross with what they can uh eject...but anyway it was just a rough weekend and im glad it is over with and im just going to try to focus on today and the fact that i want to take a nap

im highly frustrated with the inconsiderate upstairs neighbors...i dont like that there bedroom is right over mine and that i can hear EVERYTHING ... it is embarrassing and i swear it sounds like they are doing there best to destroy their furniture..i want ear pplugs but im afraid that blocking out all sound will scare me..and ill end up not using them..so i try to play something loud on my computer when i start hearing them to try and block them out ...

healthwise i have been feeling crummy...ive been taking my meds but ive once again stopped checking my sugar and have been eating a lot of junk ...well more junk...im still not really drinking sugary stuff...(and i made an appointment to see nutrition today while i was at the clinic) ..but like eating a lot of bread and stuff..you know..the stuff that im being told i cant have..so i go overboard with it...i weighed myself while i was at the clinic today too and while i havent gained weight..i havent really lost any either ... im glad im not gaining but frustrated at myself for not having lost anything...i need to try harder..i want to try harder but well i want cake too..ugh i have totally moved out of wanting to punish myself .. .now its just a matter of caring enough to go back to trying .. i have the stuff..but i make not the best choices ... and im still skipping breakfast more often than not...im gonna restart the food journal ... and all of that... that will help..im going back to see the nutritionist..that will help too .. so yeah..i am aware but making better choices is a struggle...i realize my mental health truly effects my physical health ... and i very easily slip into not caring and not trying .. and just saying screw it to all of this... but it makes me so so angry to think that my physical health could kill me at some point ..if i dont get a handle on it..i know that there can be a lot of complications with diabetes ... and it like a personal let down to know that a complication could be the cause of my death..vs say me killing myself for some reason...how is that for logical ?!?!?!? so my numbers still need to come down more...right now ive gotten them down to the lower 200s...but again it needs to be below 150..so i still have some work to do..i know the meds cant do everything ..and that the main effort has got to come from me... but i am just struggling with it...

i did go and get my glasses ordered and i am waiting anxiously for them to come in...

2 visits in with the new therapist .... jury is still out on how i feel about her...but i have an appointment scheduled for wed morning all the same... 

weight of the world

tonight i feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders and it is weighing me down so very much...i feel so tired...so drained .. i dont want to fight anymore but i am not sure of what i am fighting currently..i was ok ..i thought i was ok and then this all hits me and maybe it has been building..maybe i am thinking and worrying and there had to be a release valve..but the pressure is still in my head..the pressure is still building ..and i just keep adding things on..maybe ill make a list of what i am thinking about ?

jaylen coming and me screwing him up somehow
paying for things
planning the summer
seeing britney
worrying about what courtney said to her
will she think i am bad ?
im not trying hard enough with my health
i need to get my hair done
will i like the melting pot ?
why doesnt sarahs family like me ?
mommy hassling me and arguing with me
me placing all sorts of pressure on myself
feeling like im failing at everything
feeling like im being left behind
worrying about bills..
thinking about my sister ..
worrying about the anxiety..

those are some of the main points that have been running through my head in the past couple days ...a lot of worrys ..a lot of thoughts and wondering and thinking and wanting and just not getting anywhere with anything ... it could also be that i have been in the house for the past couple days and so maybe fresh air might help..i dont know .. im just feeling badly and thinking badly and i want an escape..i want the pressure to release ..and i dont know how to get that ...i ended up taking 2 klonipin and the trazodone..maybe sleep will be an escape...i hope sleep comes quickly because i am tired of thinking..

amped up

i dont know why i am feeling so on edge..so amped up..but the feelings are just increasing and i feel like my mind is movnig to fast for my body to keep up..i keep thinking and thinking about so many different things..wanting so many different things...trying to figure out so many different things..i think it may be a latent reaction to the doc visit today..and feeling a bit nervous..talking to mommy and all of it..coming off of the benzo sooner rather than later..knowing she is going to talk to the new therapist..and being afraid of what she is going to say..and not wanting to go to a different clinic and just a lot bouncing around in my head and im feeling anxious and frustrated and irritated and i want to be left alone but there are people in the aprtment and it makes me feel even more anxious..im getting a headache big time right now..

punishments and rambles

i have been punishing myself this week...it is starting to calm down..i am still having some binging episodes..but only cut once ... disappointed a bit in that but trying not to dwell...ive been over eating a lot and hoping to get sick..some of it has been anxiety too...but as this week is coming to a close maybe the need to punish willl keep decreasing...i know in my head that im not hurting anyone but myself but i feel like somehow all of this is getting back at those who have made me mad this week...not logical i know ..but that is how i think about it...

ive got curvon again this weekend...he is a major distraction for sure...it may snow tomorrow too which i am looking forward to.  i really need to go and pick up my medicine because i havent gotten very good sleep the past couple days .. and it is wearing on me..i do tend to be more cranky when im not sleeping..

i will be getting jaylen this summer and i have so many plans for that i want to do...i found a swim shirt that will cover my arms and so i am excited about going to the pool with him..a lot of plans..it will be a busy summer thats for sure.. 

but with getting him, i have to be more stable ... so therapy and meds and all of that have to keep happening..i want him to have a happy summer and i dont think my spending all day in bed is going to do that for him...

im nervous about how to work on fitting me and sarahs schedules together because jaylen will have to be with one of us at all times of course..and i may be working another job by then...

the cats are fine...in the process of looking for another kitten..a little girl kitten.   havent found her yet :)

but things are moving along i guess...busy busy schedule full of doctor appointments...i go get my eyes checked on monday so ill be able to get my glasses back soon..my eyes have really been bothering me...i will totally wear them this time lol..like consistently wear them! 

im still seeing the behavioral health lady, and i see courtney for a med talk next week, add in a therapy session and i have an appointment once again almost every day!   im trying to get myself together..and again i am grateful that i am able to put all of this time into getting better...im grateful that i have sarah pushing me to work on getting better.  so now i just gotta keep working on stuff...mental and physical...

new therapist

i met a new therapist yesterday,  one that i have picked out by myself for the first time in what 16 years.  normally i end up with referrals and im placed with someone...this time i found someone that i think i wanted to try out and went and talked to her.  it was different..being in an office and not the clinic..i talked to her and i have an appointment to go back..so i guess there was something i liked...i will see her next week and then have off a week...so that will give me time to think and decide if i want to stick with her...her office wasnt very colorful...but there are windows that i can look out of..and she remembered that i said i sometimes needed things to keep my hands busy and had a couple things available for me...her practice has a small waiting room that was thankfully empty..but i also had curvon with me yesterday so that was good. we kept things kinda light, talked about stuff i had put on the intake forms...i asked to bypass parts of it and she was ok with that. i just feel like there are so many issues to deal with and that i will be overwhelming for her...i dont know..i guess will have to see what next week brings..

vomit on things

as i realize that my mood is going downhill ..i am forced into writing.  i am forcing myself to write as i have had a lot of things on my mind the past few days but no real time to write...

so the big big issue with going home is the sadness that closes in over me and refuses to let go..just going home, being in the general area of home, knowing i am home creates a vacuum effect and i am sad, tired, hurt, scared, anxious, worried, paranoid.  add in mommy and all of the feelings intensify, there is so much want, there is a huge desire to be noticed to have her attention, to just be wanted. I feel like i am ignored, judged, hurt every single time i am around her.  I feel her watching me, looking at me, but that is not the attention i want.  the attention mommy gives me puts me on edge.  i try so hard to tell her good things ive done, to talk to her about things and i am brushed aside unless it fits into something she wants. a conversation full of fake smiles and laughter.  i watch her without looking at her.  i heard what she said, i heard the tone of voice, and i heard her immediately add on what i should be able to do in the future. the hint at what i should be doing now and i get quiet.  i am hurt and i can not even being to explain just how huge it is, how ignored i feel, how angry.  every single time that anticipation is there..the want, the excitement mixed in with heart stopping fear and i am continuously disappointed ...my hope dies every time and still foolishly i keep wishing and hoping that something will change.  that she will see me..that she will want me..and i realize that i am still nothing, not good enough, not anything...i have failed so many times that i dont believe she will ever see anything worth wanting in me...but i keep trying..and i want to kill the part of me that keeps trying..i set myself up to fail.. and then i feel worthless and stupid for trying...because i know that i was just at home and now i am anxiously awaiting the next phone call that will remind me of everything that is wrong with me...i messed up with wayne ..i already got yelled at about that...i messed up with my hair..what has she left out ?  my weight?  what i wore?  my job?  my life? my existence? my everything is called into question, to be put under the microscope and to be judged..i am condemned before i ever had a chance..and i stupidly walk into it...over and over and over..worthless rat that i am.. when will i learn..i need to be reminded.  i have forgotten my place..i need to be punished..that is the thought that is running rampant..