today....

today has been just one of those days that you read about happening to other people..where things just all go right and happen and it is a good day all around ...

i got up this morning nervous about going to the interview i had scheduled for today...got up...ate...talked to sarah..and then got ready..i posted on fb asking for good luck wishes because i was beginning to feel nervous and scared and didnt want to go ... but i went..freaked a little about finding parking but finally got it situated and went for the interview....the lady interviewing me was nice..i didnt ask her religion and i dont want to guess at it..but it isnt harming me in anyway .. but i spoke with her at length about my experience...she gave me a questionaire to answer and a writing example to do...i did both and then went back to talk to her..more questions and answering type stuff..paper work questions and so on and so forth...and then the last thing we talked about was pay....and before i knew it she offered me a position ... she told me that i would officially start may 4th ... ill be back in mental health support...there have been some changes..not as much paper work...im eager..im readyy...i want things to change so much..i need things to change....i really do...and i have to make the steps for the changes to happen....and it is scary...im not sure what i want to do about my current job..i dont want to stop it completely just because i know there will be a lag in checks for my other job...but i am going to decrease my hours...ugh i need to talk to anita... i talked to sarah a lot about it all today when we went out for dinner and she listened which was awesome..

we also talked about going to alsaka next year...for sure...so ill start researching and planning it...because this will be a lot more money due to plane tickets and what not..but i want a real vacation..i need a real vacation...

sudden im looking to the future again..im wanting to do things again...im feeling more hopeful about things...

i am going to come clean with my supervisor about the cps thing though and we will go from there...i just would rather tell her...and not let it come back in the paperwork background stuff...and i just feel guilty not telling her...so until i know for sure...i wont be letting go of my other job...not yet..

but i ended up calling mommy and nia and sarah and stephanie and of course posting it on facebook..and then i came home and took a nap..and then i went over the sarahs and we went out for dinner and then just spent some time talking...and then some time doing other stuff...i wished i could have stayed....really needing that physical contact i think...not sex per say...just contact..connection...

meds are starting to kick in though and im starting to drift off...

only had one sweet thing today at dinner

and the kids are becoming more comfortable...

ok i think thats all

not doing so great

I really hate when I being to feel out of control..when I begin to feel useless and hopeless and not needed...My body becomes the battle ground..it's the only one I have...im at war with myself..And it will get worse..it is getting worse...it started with pills and has grown...And now eating is becoming a battle..refusing to eat..eating twice a day..And it is going to get less..No one can know...there is nothing wrong..there is never anything wrong..I'm fine..I'm just destroying myself...And that is what it is...I'm sorry

broken

My body continues to betray me....thoughts of destroying myself are strong...right now its pills....whats next??? Just more secrets and tears...and I don't know who to talk to about it anymore..Sarah has listened to me a million times and still I'm struggling to process this information... I really don't know what to do..and next week I don't Anita until wed...I may need to call her...I don't know...

my heart hurts ....

my heart feels as if it has broken into a million pieces...for all of the times i had i didnt want to have children or how gross it is and all of that...but the option was always there...and now i may end up not being able to have children at all..and i know that i am told that having or not having a baby makes me any less than a women..but in my mind it does..i feel useless..i feel broken..and just so very very sad...i know that nothing is set in stone but the option is put in my head..and im afraid..it is all i can think about..its is consuming my thoughts..and i cant escape the thoughts..no amount of sleep is making them go away..i am taking to much xanax and trazodone ... and i need to not to do that because it is dangerous...tomorrow i can going to get my regular meds...ive just been at all home today..i called out again..my mind and body in condition to be at work...tomorrow i will have to go..i cant keep skipping work...but im tired...not feeling 100% safe ..but im not concerned i will actually do anything to myself..im to sad for that...i talked to sarah i think yesterday..she went to the appointment with me..i have to go back for an ultra sound on may 4th..and i guess that will be the day i find out what the real next steps are...im just i dont know...trying to shut down..trying to not have to deal..ignoring and self medicating until i stop feeling..maybe i should call courtney or anita but no..i dont want them taking away the meds just yet..im not planning on dying ..i just need help to get through the day without crying..without any real thinking...i dont have the energy to keep up appearances...so medicine it is ...so something has to help...im behind on getting my meds filled anyway..so i really do need to go and get them..im sure that is not helping things either...im a mess right now...feeling so very much like a failure...broke down at least 3 or 4 times yesterday...today im very carefully managing to stop the tears..but i am really isolating...not talking to anyone really but sarah and mommy since she called me first thing in the morning...i have nothing to say..i dont know what to say...to myself or anyone else right now..i just want quiet...numbness..emptiness ...anything to help me forget about what i was told..i cant deal

bogged down ...

i have been avoiding writing like the plague and as a result my thoughts are begining to become repeatitive and obsessive and a lot of things are just making me feel so sad...i dont even know where to begin right now...my mind is so full but im so tired..my energy is gone..i feel like i cant function right now..it is 1:30am and im awake because i wasnt able to leave work again until 12am...another no communication so i wasnt expecting it..and all i got was a sorry...im sick..im worn out...im just tired and as the days go on i just get more tired..of struggling and trying and failing ... over and over the same things and i just end up feeling so disappointed and upset with myself a nd i want to lash out but i cant do that either...i dont have the energy...but whats going on..maybe ill make a list...

- the bleeding is stopping..i went on thursday and was able to get my shot ...which as i suspected practicly stopped the bleeding within 24hours...part of me wants to say im fine and not go to the gyno appointment..but im still cramping and it is still pain..and it is something that i dont want to happen again..so ill keep the appointment...but i havent gotten my info stuff either..so ill have to call access now on monday to ask about that...with all the bleeding ive been told that i am anemic again...i can craving ice again...

- allergies have begun to kick my butt..and im not feeling so great in general right now...my throat, eyes, ears, and nose are itching so much..im been sneezing and coughing..so i guess a trip to the drug store is in order...i need to get my meds refilled anyway...and im just beginning to strress out about money..

- money issues are getting to me again...im working my ass off and there is nothing to show for it ..i cant afford to move..but staying will come with a high high price..and i dont know..right now im feeling like such an awful person that i wonder if keeping taji and bounce is even a good idea...i cant see life without them..but im not able to care for them properly either and it worries me..a lot..but money for bills and rent and meds and phone and all of it is just stressing me out..and paying nia and rob back..

- my a1c is on the rise..it is actually above 8 right now..and that is not good at all...im scared and worried..wondering what ive done so wrong with..diet..no exercise..what...its jumped 2 points in 6 months...ive only been back on the meds for a month and still forgot sometimes to take the evening dose...the doc called me on friday to tell me this and i immediately became worried...she is changing my med to see if it helps and wants me to see the nutritionist..and im just afraid..

-applying for jobs...and getting interviews is making me nervous..i want a new job..i need a new job...i can do more with myself and my career if i would just believe in myself..its so hard for me to believe in myself..and i did freak out a little bit on friday when i had the interview and ended up talking to both courtney and anita on thursday..and had a very small talk with anita on friday afternoon...shoot im ready to go to the group just to get more time with her...

-my needs for comfort and attention are at an all time high..ive been not feeling good for so long and i just want someone to take care of me...i can go to sarah sometimes and just lay in her bed and cry from the pain and overwhelmedness like i did the other weekend..but she stayed with me..but i dont get to see her every day..i dont get hugs or feel important on a daily basis..and now with her family back in town..im trying to be suportive of her and still managain to some how lose my mind with worry and anxiety when she is with them..i dont mean to..but i keep freaking out...ive talked to her about it..cried about it..obsessed about it..felt selfish and mean for feeling the way i feel..im trying to understand and trust that i will not be abandoned..that i wont be left alone...sarah tells me that i am important to her...the most important person to her..and that she isnt going anywhere...the old fears and insecurities are popping up..worrying about how i was told that im to selfish to ever get married or be loved...feeling that im only good or needed when someone wants something from me...that i cant say no because ill be left alone..that i really am just an awful person and deserve to be alone because i am so complicated to deal with..and ive spent so long convincing myself that i would be alone..that i would never have anyone love me..and that changing is still hard...but its the random moments we have together where things are just what they are..we talk..we laugh..its silly..its fun..it makes me feel loved..and that i matter..that i can be myself..wether im just sitting in her room crying my eyes out for some reason or talking about sarahs umm dressing style...it really is the little things..like watching a whole movie and her holding my hand for the whole movie..i didnt ask and neither did see..but it happened...and i keep thinking of anita asking me what love means for me..and i think that is it...yes it is having someone accept me as i am..but its so much more than that too..its having someone to laugh with, to cry with..no questions asked..no judgements..being forgiven ..and not giving up on each other...being supportive..we hold each other up..no matter the issue..we are consistent for each other..we can sit in silence and i dont feel afraid..i dont feel i have anything to prove..she knows everything already...she stayed with me when i had nothing at all..she has helped me with various things even though i  struggled to accept the help...but yes..it is a lot..but i think i feel it the most with the little things...the things that i dont ask for but somehow she knows i will like or will help me feel better...and thats why im trying so very hard to calm down the jealousy stuff...with her and courtney and anita..people who dont judge me and give me attention for the positive stuff..i dont have to beg for there attention or use negative stuff to get there attention..my brain knows this but my thoughts continue to push the boundaries...continue to try and get more from them.to get everything from them...they have to fill up the emptiness inside of me..i need them to feel confident and happy and supportive and non judgemental of me,,i need them to tell me things that i am good at and point out the things that i am not seeing or when i am manipulating..or not listening..or pulling me out of my head when things get to hard to deal with and i am shutting down...i cant do it myself..i dont know how..but the emptiness is always there..the need for acceptance is always there..

-im sad that my relationship with sarah is not considered important by others...like mommy asks about how sarah is doing but nothing about planning a wedding...i guess i know where nia stands on the issue...yvonne hasnt mentioned it or talked to me about it..and understanding that sarahs family is not feeling happy about me...and i guess my feelings are hurt about it..no im not in a place to plan a wedding..but i just want it to be acknowledged...its important to me..but i can only show that to sarah..and well courtney and anita..i wish people were more understanding...and as much as the odds are stacked against us in a million and one ways...we are still sticking together..and pushing through...because its like ok ..interracial relationship..then a lesbian relationship..and then the wheelchair...i find it funny that the most important issue for my family is the wheelchair...of all the things..its that dang wheelchair...but again my life is here with sarah..maybe i just wish we could do more stuff...but then my stupid issues with being social and whatnot come up and its like no id rather just stay with you at your place...maybe that will change with time..and a heck of a lot of practice because i know that sarah does enjoy going out and stuff..

-a work issue came up the other day...regarding me being a cutter and the resident that i generally dont like...she said something about me telling her that i thought she was harming herself and she started crying..and blah blah blah..we had a conversation..about coping and being strong and resisting the urges...but my supervisor pulled me into the office and talked to me about it...because of course the resident told what we talked about it..and i guess again my feelings were hurt..but that i something i should have expected to happen...i mean the resident has known since like my second or third week of working here...and my issues will not be used against me...me making stupid decisions has been used against me..but i refuse to let the mental stuff be a deciding factor or excuse in anything...which is why i refuse to go the disabled route..i dont want the label...i dont want my issues to become all that anyone knows about me...and believe me..not many people know about my issues..hiding and pretending and being ok is the story of my life..but the cutting and scars ... they arent going anywhere and i told my supervisor that...that i have to live with my actions for the rest of my life...that i was in therapy and taking my meds...everything that ppl want to hear..to keep up the image of being ok..who wants to hear that i am feeling depressed or that i may or may not be suicidal ..or how im really depressed and not just tired some days...that i can only do with my very small circle of support ppl...but yeah i was just hurt by all of it..i mean she cant use it against me..my work proves that i am able to do my job...but can i be fired for being depressed and in therapy?

-im still working on that personal mission statement...i think about it alot..but i just cant figure out how to word it..how to write it...how to believe it..but its on my mind ...

i guess those are the major issues on my mind right now...a lot...and it really is bogging me down..im so tired...of the medical stuff..and not understanding my body ..not caring enough to stick to anything..i feel like a fialure at life..at my health..at all of it..because i just want be ok..and things keep happening that prove im not ...and i feel even stupider going to the doc with all these issues and i cant even give a real family background because of being adopted..there are no answers..there is nothing to go on..and my mind runs awaay with the fear of something serious going on..of being told that i will actually never be able to have children...of taking away my option to have kids...its all making me sad

i guess i just emptied my head..maybe ill just ty to go to bed now,,or try to sleep..fighting the meds it seems tonight..but i really did need to write

and again...anxiety won

as the meds take affect im really hoping this makes sense...my body hurts right now ...but oh well on that one..

i got home from work at about 8 am..and slept off and on until about 3....i was ok for a couple hours but then i started to get anxious about sarah and not being in contact iwth her and knowing that she was away..almost got to a full blown anxiety attack...i ended up talking to someone on facebook..who was able to understand the confusingness of eccho and parrot...food got things calmed down enough and then i knew i just needed to keep busy..really busy...so cleaned up and did laundry ..cleaned the litter box..everything..and now im ready to crash..waiting for the meds to kick in..i just feel so so vulnerable i guess..afraid of being abandoned...remembering past things..broken promises...all the threats of being left..because i wasnt able to do things in time...its all mashing up in my head and i end up freaking ..and i hate it because then i lose control...i cant think clearly..i want comfort and physical contact..just to calm the nerves...i just need the reassurance that she is there...the kids are still so very close to the surface.there is a major need to just know she is there..ive failed twice this week at keeping it together..and instead i turned into a crying spazz who cant handle it...i dont know

i just cant ..

my body hurts..i cant get the smell of blood to leave me alone..i cant get the bleeding to stop ..or the cramps or the clots or anything..no amount of pretending is making it go away..im tired..so very very tired ... i feel dirty .. very dirty

failing at this

i woke up anxious and confused...i am struggling to do the correct things and not act out in anger or frustration or whatever it is that i am currently feeling...i dont want to take the meds..i want to hide..i want to cry...and i cant even get out an explanation of why...im hurting and upset and sad and just to many things to even name ..i think today i will just lay down until time for work..i cant manage anything right now  :( 

bad dreams and stuff

There is a lot that I need to write about ..but my time is almost up  for now..I'm over at Sarah's and soon will have  to leave..like in an hour leave.And it is causing some anxiety..Ok a lot of anxiety and I'm trying not to cry...things are slightly hard right now nd I feel like I'm not any good to anyone...but I had a dream last night that I killed myself..took all my pills...I didn't make it to the hospital so I guess I died...pretty much means that I need to be incredibly careful with myself as i am aware that my thinking is becoming more mixed up..I'm frustrated with my body and the cramps that come randomly and make it hard to do anything...I hadn't cried at all  about it until Saturday..I just got so upset that it is still happening and I can't do anything about it..I'm afraid that I'll be told that I will have to go for the ultrasound and then the d&c...I'm afraid...I talked to a coworker about it..she has had two..she explained the process to me..And I'll end up needing to take a couple days off of work ... I hate this...My jealously and need for attention is causing some unrest...I am feeling left out and forgotten before anything has even happened..And Anita not being here is not helping the feelings...I'm being so incredibly selfish bit I don't know how to make it stop..Sarah is being reassuring and keeps reminding me that I'm the first priority to her..but my insecurities are suddenly front and center and I start convincing myself that I need to  be better..I need to not be me...I need to fix what is wrong with me...And Sarah has a million different things she is dealing with right now an  me losing it won't help... I'm feeling out of sorts and don't know what to do..wanting an escape..And thoughts of cutting are returning...My head is confused..I have such a head ache and I'm feeling sick...I last ate around 1 yesterday...I know I need to eat as my sugar is probably incredibly low...but I can't seem to..I just want to  lay down actually...Maybe I need  to call,courtney..except I'm not sure I'll be able to make that call with crying...the crying needs to stop...really...I made cake yesterday...I don't even want any..And cake is my favorite..something is going on...