6 months

i have been given 6 months ...
6 months to lose weight
6 months to make life changing choices
6 months to make things different
6 months to reverse the chance that i have to have  talk about being put on insulin
6 months ....6 months before my next appointment with the endocrinologist..i asked and he agreed but the agreement is that if i dont make the changes ..then he will..if i dont come back in 6 months with some differences going on...with my a1c coming down some points...with things looking better all around then he will talk to me seriously about putting me on insulin...because while i haven't truly gained weight..i havent lost any either...which made me freakin happy as hell ..but i havent lost any ....ugh ...the goal is to lose not maintain.. so a lot of changes will have to be made....a lot of choices will have to be made ....a lot of just a lot will have to be made..
i guess the big question is do i believe in myself enough to do it....

i wish

There are nights like tonight where i wish i could just anticipate better how to handle the brokenness that is me..i wish i could tell when it was coming to rear its ugly head and i wish i knew how to stop it in its tracks and turn it around and send it packing in the other direction…i wish i knew what to say to explain why sometimes i just need the silence because things are to loud in my head..and so i just sit and do nothing for hours at a time.  I dont get online, i dont read or play games, I just lay down and sleep or lay down and semi dream things that make no sense to me for hours on end…i wish i knew how to handle the somatic symptoms and that the meds worked 100% of the time and i didnt have days that leave me floundering like a fish out of water searching for a way to just survive.  i just wish some days to be anyone other than me, because being me is a little hard right now and i am feeling a little bit lost in the shuffle ..

Vday Gifts from Sarah

She got a friend of hers to make them for me :) :) :) :)  I absolutely love them !!!

Benefits.

With the promotion and the updating of my information..i will be able to apply for benefits...full benefits sometime in march and be fully covered by the middle of april !!!   im so excited...this year has really truly started on a positive note ... im so proud of myself :) ..now to just keep it going and continue to work on myself...yep

Xena, Kai, and Gizmo

anxious mind and food again

i still havent heard back about starting my pharmacy classes and it is making me anxious ...did  i fail something ?  is my background screwed up? did i do something wrong or not do something that i was supposed to do...why am i still waiting and it has been a week now...more than a week actually and ive heard absolutely nothing...im worried and tired and nervous and that just makes me more tired ... i hate waiting ..my mind runs away with me and im struggling to maintain my thoughts and not go overboard with the worrying ...

food is still an issue..a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig one..and im tired of myself really...i want so much to just be able to eat and be ok but i cant...so i obsess and plan and plot and try and fail and cry and get frustrated every single day... my new obsession is the keto lifestyle ..which is basically low carb..but higher in fat eating choices...like i can eat eggs and bacon and cheese but no grains or sugar or anything...it is blowing my mind really...but i am working to cut carbs down...so something has to fuel me and make me not hungry....i dont know if its the right idea but i keep researching it and learning about it...i know i need to do low carb because carbs are my down fall and i am diabetic so im not supposed to really be eating so much sugar anyway...im thinking by feb ill have nixed carbs like bread carbs anyway and just keep taking things a day at a time...

ive been adulting a lot lately...i mean between work and paying bills and all of that im just busy and worn out... did i mention im going to look back into going to the rec center or rva swim..i really need a new bathing suit..so maybe the rec center should be first since it is closer and i can go early in the morning...but anyway ..errands and food shopping and bills and doc appointments...my bp is getting more under control but of course bp is related to weight and my weight needs to come down...

really i want to have more energy and be able to ride the rides at disney world when we go..i know this probably makes me completely shallow but i do want to ride the rides and not feel embarrassed...that is what i want with my entire being .. i mean there is of course more things that i want like being able to wear my clothes correctly and not have to by bigger sizes because i keep gaining weight ..no i have plans ..a lot of plans and at the middle of it all is losing weight ..a.nd surprisingly it is all coming from me..not someone outside of me telling me what to do...or telling me how to be or anything ...this time ...for the first time this is me and my ideas and my wants and my plans...im scared i will go overboard but i have sarah to keep me sane ..and ill talk about it with britney too...but i just know that i have to do this ...i have to be able to adopt a baby at some point and have the energy to keep up with him or her...i need to strengthen my body because even getting sarah up is starting to drain me and i need to be able to do that ... there are so many little pieces that are commenting together to make a big picture and i have so much to plan for and well live for ...

because it is constantly on my mind i know i have already decided but i am still in the planning stage..i need more info..i need a plan..a starting plan..and a starting place..

Promotion

I started off the new year by putting in my application for a promotion...i heard back a few days later and was able to accept the promotion pending a background and drug test of course...and it comes with a raise!!!

i am waiting for those to come back in as the weather has been suckish and so i was a little late with the whole drug test thing...

all that being said i am actually starting back in the pharmacy tomorrow ! IM so nervous and scared about it...I know the people who work back there but I dont know them like i know the front store people...im used to the front store..i know what the expectations are ..what im supposed to do and everything..but in the pharmacy i feel like im a fish without water...i dont know them and im not comfortable with them...ive worked back there a couple days but nothing like what ill be starting tomorrow...and so i am nervous and already feeling lonely...

i know ill get used to it with time...but it is so hard starting something new..being with new people and having to find where i fit in with them..im not the most talkative but i do like being talked to ..and i guess i have to remember that they do not know me either...so it is rough..

Either way i start full time tomorrow in the pharmacy and the other side of that is that i have to retake the pharmacy classes and do a lot of online classes and stuff too and that is anxiety producing all on its own...i know i can do it ..but having to do all that work all over again and it makes my brain hurt...i plan to complete all the work and of course test for my national certification..this is important to me because my goal is to work with the robots at the hospital and to do that i need my national certification...

i have so many plans you know...so many opportunities with this...this is the first time in a very long time that i have gotten a promotion...and im just shy of my 3 month mark at my current job..

my faith in myself is shaky at best ..so this is a big big deal.

i hope i manage tomorrow...i really do...

Hello 2018

well 2017 came to a close a couple days ago and 2018 is here to stay.

i honestly feel like last year came with a lot of growth and understanding and experiences.

I feel like i rejoined the land of the living for the first time in my life with the help of the correct medications.  i feel like i have grown in the understanding of who i am and made new friends because of it.  I tried new things, went to new places, got a freaking car! lost people, gained people, and continued to live throughout the process of well everything..

My hope is that 2018 will continue to allow my to grow and keep learning to understand and accept myself as i am.

I am good enough, I am loved, I have friends and a partner who accept me.  I would say I am starting the year off on the right foot.  It may be a slightly shakey foot, but well Im starting.

“And God said, ‘Love thy enemy,’ so I obeyed him, and loved myself.” – Kahlil Gibran

life

heya...im still alive lol...ive been working so much that i no longer even have the energy to mess around on fb ...im soooooooo tired...but i made it to today and i am off and sarah and us are going on our second 'staycation' ...leaving for the hotel in a couple hours ..and just gonna hang out and spend some time together ...ive been at work more than ive been at home i think...that is what it feels like...she got me a bunch of card games for christmas and so we are bringing those along and a couple movies to watch...outside of the mommy issue christmas was good a little sad but i got some fun presents and then of course more unicorn stuff and build a bears .. 

once again a baby is being dropped into my lap and i am considering the adoption..i am..but at the same time there is a war inside about am i willing to give up everything to care for a child...that is what is giving me pause..does that make me a bad person ?? that i want to not give up the freedom i have now? but there is still a lot of back and forth on the idea...yes, no, maybe....ugh...i wish it was just black and white..clear ideas and pictures and no maybes or what ifs...sadlly i mentioned it to mommy and while she didnt not veto the idea..she did tell me that i needed to know both the father and mother of the child because i didnt want a monster baby ...yes she actually told me not to adopt an ugly child.. -sigh- i want a child so much..but am i ready for one ?? that is the big big biiiiiiiiig question...i talked it over with t and she did give me a realistic look at it..and what im getting myself into ... i mean i know what im getting into if i agree to it...but it was good to talk it over at least..im not any closer to a decision though and luckily i have some time on my side .. i dont know what to do..

Merry Christmas 2017

 

Merry Christmas to my friends and family  :) 

quick note

things are just rough...very rough with no end in sight..i keep hpoing to get through the holidays ..thats all...my schedule is crazy and i feel like i have no time for anything..no time to breathe..i am tired and cranky and achy and just stressed out and worried about things... that is all...

fudgesticks ...

well ...-sigh-  well

i saw the doc today and i got a talking to about not taking care of myself and not caring enough to do it and well falling off the wagon of good health yet again... ugh...im so frustrated with myself you know...i know better..i have done better..and still i fall off the wagon...i am heavily in not caring mode but that is going to have to change as my weight and sguars and everything is up...and that is not ok...im just disappointed ... and i need to make some changes you know....changes i have made before ...changes that will help me ...

i dont know

but mood wise..mentla health wise things are pretty low .. i am struggling a bit with the negative thinking and intrusive thoughts and have actually caught myself wondering how cfast i would have to go to crash my car a couple times...and it scares me ...it really does....old thoughts about not being good enough are popping up and wanting to hurt myself thoughts are creeping in like monsters under the bed..i cant escape thiem...i cant control them and i am nervous being with myself when i know i can be irrational as heck about these things...

so again i dont know

the going ons of my mind ...

things are well moving along as they usually do...im feeling a bit down..a bit out of it.a bit off lately...i dont know why...time of year maybe ? horomones? just me being a downer?  who knows..

so the process for me to be transferred into the pharmacy has begun ..ill be working on learning the register once a week starting next week.  i have to do the transfer paperwork online when the portal opens up..but it will be a promotion .. im sad that i have to retake the pharmacy classes but oh well...it will be a refresher course for me ...and they will pay for me to take the national test..so im not complaining at all.. it is a lot different working at the drug store and dealing with the holiday rush because it is crazy...i am working on christmas day also..but i asked to so maybe it will be a quiet day lol..

yesterday a coworker told me that she was jealous of me and my homemaker skills....she called me independent and it was a shocker for me..i mean this is the stuff i thought everyone knew or was supposed to know...cooking, sewing, taking care of a household, first aid skills.. i dont even know how i picked up the skills honestly...but i use them .. i thought knowing how to cook was an important thing but this coworker told me she doesnt cook...and i looked at her like she was crazy lol... she said she goes to her mom for a lot of stuff still and im not nope...my mom doesnt even live in the state..im on my own you know..i have to know how to do this stuff..but at the same time i feel so dependent on her still..and so to have someone tell me she sees me as being super independent is so different...so mind blowing in a lot of ways...i struggle with doing the day to day stuff a lot ...so having it pointed out that i must be doing something right is nice...again stuff i would not acknowledge as being a big deal ..is a big deal ... go figure

i got a fit bit on black friday and i have been wearing it...and it is so cool...it is also a bit depressing because it is an actual representation of how little i move and how little i drink water and all of that...but i sleep plenty !   it tracks my sleeping too which is cool...im ashamed of myself and how lax i have become ...where is my motivation.?  where is my drive to do better to be better?  im a lump of nothingness ... (yes i have been yelling at myself again) i dont measure up...when i work i am moving..i am walking..i am getting my heart rate up..but when im off ... i am just so tired that i just lay down and do as little as possible..there is no happy medium..its either i work and move or im home and im sleeping .... ugh...im frustrated with myself ...i really am... but i know things wont change over night ..that i have to put the effort in... its just that with work i end up so tired that i dont want to do anything else when i get home...my body aches so much i just want to be off of my feet you know...

on the christmas front i am moving along well...i am almost done with my shopping for everyone where i have to mail the boxes out...ill be doing that around the middle of the month...and then i just have a few things to pick up for people here in richmond and sarah..but i can get that last minute if needed...but i really need to get the boxes mailed off in a timely matter...so really i just need to do a gift card run and a couple more stores..and ill be done...im pretty proud of the stuff that i have found for everyone....im totally mad at wayne because he is my secret santa and he hasnt said what he wants....i dont want to just get him a gift card but that may be what he gets..i dont have anything to go on with him...and it frustrates me to no end..ugh..

otherwise things are going as well as can be expected..im not truly taking my medicine like im supposed to or checking my sugar....blah...i gotta do better on the physical health front...im slacking majorly in that area...

but each day is a new day....i gotta keep reminding myself of that ...

Thanksgiving Eve

since im awake i thought that i would do some writing and of course it is the night before thanksgiving so i am feeling a little bit reflective...

what am i thankful for this year?  what has me continuing to move foreward living life and actually feeling engaged in it...and ive decided ..

im thankful to be alive
im thankful for sarah and the life we have together
im thankful for my crazy weird cats
im thankful i am me

for the first time in my life i am thankful to be alive..im thankful the depression and the suicidal thoughts did not end me ... i am happy with my life, i am stable and grateful and even on the hard days i am still here...i am still fighting and gosh my head stays clear ... i am moving up in the world..i have people who love me and i am actually almost putting myself first this holiday season and not traveling...not stressing...not doing any of it...i am going to be at home with sarah and the cats..relaxing...enjoying myself ... this year has turned out to be a big surprise... but it has been good things ...still rough stuff going on too...but as i said ..i am still here..and so for that i am thankful.

mental health days ...

so...we are doing the equivalent of running away fora bout 36 hours ...it is a much needed break and we are just going to a hotel for a day and a half ...no obligations..no commitments..nothing..just me and sarah and cable tv ... just us and a different set of walls as things in life are a little stressful right now...so we are doing what we can to make the most of my time off..so we are running away... to get away and regroup and then come back and rejoin the world ... yep..

Blah....food

I hate when I can't sleep because all I do is eat...I'm no longer even hungry and still I stuff my face...ugh..I don't know what's wrong with lately..I eat and eat and eat and still feel hungry.. Tonight ..well it's almost morning now and I've eaten to the point of feeling sick and part of me wants to go and purge...but one bad behavior can't condone another bad behavior...so I'll suck it up on tonight and start a new day tomorrow... But something has to give... I'm going down hill fast right now...  And being sick helps nothing... Ugh...

....

i want to write but i am tired and sick and just kinda out of it..i have to work today and tomorrow and then ill be off for a couple days and able to rest a bit more and hopefully beat this cold that  i have...well allergies that just refuse to go away...but there is a lot on my mind .. im having some bad dreams and really woke up today wondering if i had truly hurt someone :(  my mind is over extended a bit..a lot... yes..i need a break...

on overload....brain dump

my brain is so overloaded right now..and im thinking a mile a minute and getting more and more frustrated as the day goes on...i guess ill start with the now problems and workm y way back to other things ...

i just need to write and i guess collect my thoughts ...

so the morning aide did not show up this morning...i left for work this morning with the expectation that she would show up at her usual time...i talked to sarah when i got off and find out she didnt show..wasnt answering calls or messages ...and was just unreachable...luckily i only worked a few hours this morning and so i was home again around lunch time...but this is unacceptable...i have to have someone here who i can depend on to show up when i have to go to work...this is not working out so great .. once again we have been so accommodating that i feel like we are beginning to be taken advantage of...and it sucks...and so they start calling around 1 and said that she was sick..that she had messaged...so on and so forth...but that she would be at work tomorrow..well i dont know..i just dont know right now...and i am frustrated because i was gone..at work and didnt leave things as i might if it was a weekend so sarah is the one who had to suffer in the end..because she didnt have what she needed and i feel so awful because i left for work and she was left without her needed set up...and it isnt fair at all...

the unaccessibleness of the apartment has been coming up a lot also and that is overwhelming me too...i know the apartment is not top notic accessible and i try to make it work for sarah and i guess i need to stop being selfish and do more to make it work better...like the kitten is causing a bit of chaos and so things are getting knocked over and pushed onto the floor and sarah cant reach them...she had to leave the apartment yesterday and struggled to get the door back closed so that the cats wouldnt escape...things that normally arent an issue become more of an issue when no one is home...so have to make some changes to how things are set up in the apartment..maybe i have been resistant to making the changes because i am worried about something...maybe i am just worried in general these days about things .. but there was a long talk last night and so changes will be made to make things easier for sarah...

my eating has been just out of control the past few days..i keep eating everything and dont feel full at all..i know im doing it..i know im eating way to much but i cant seem to stop..i cant seem to turn it around ..and it is frustrating me to the max...im supposed to be losing weight ..not gaining weight..candy is my evil right now .. i gotta get the candy out of the house .. i gotta stop feeling like i have to eat everything..my stomach is not happy at all these days...i feel like im not doing anything right at all right now..not food..not life in general..not anything..like im beginning to mess up again...like im gonna screw something up and mess up royally and just not manage ...and i was thinking last night that i just want to go to the hospital and have a bit of a break from life...but that is not possible or a real logical option anyway..so i need to think of other things...safe things...ways to keep myself feeling level headed and not so floaty again...damn it...

im thinking more about the holidays and stuff and trying to plan for things to do....what to buy ...what we need...what i want ... a lot of ideas and thoughts and things are trapped in my head...and it makes my head hurt...my doc appt last week was depressing and i had a med change..that could be causing the current predicaments that i find myself in ... who knows.. i am feeling out of control though...very out of control...

i may go to the support group on thursday night ...i called and asked to be added to it ..so i think im going .. im going to try to go...

im anxious today...very very anxious and cold ...

he proposed to her...

i am overwhelmed to say the least right now..my focus is shot and i am struggling to wrap my head around this information..

mommy got proposed to and i am struggling to identify my feelings about it.. i can only control myself and i am allowed to have my feelings right ?  i want to be happy for her but it just reminds me of how she totally shot me down when i told her i was engaged...i wonder if she remembers that or remembers what she said...how would she have taken things or how would the conversation have turned out if i told her that i wasnt happy with it..that i didnt approve?  would she have still been happy or would she have yelled at me??  that is what she told me and it hurt so very much...and it was like i didnt matter at all..but now she is telling me this news and i had to tell her i was happy for her..i couldnt say anything else...i guess somewhere inside i am happy for her..but maybe jealous to because she can tell people but i am sworn to secrecy..my news is shrouded in silence and omissions..

she didnt even tell him yes... ugh

i just want her approval..and cant get it ... but she has mine even if it may be fake and untrue...