my brain is so overloaded right now..and im thinking a mile a minute and getting more and more frustrated as the day goes on...i guess ill start with the now problems and workm y way back to other things ...
i just need to write and i guess collect my thoughts ...
so the morning aide did not show up this morning...i left for work this morning with the expectation that she would show up at her usual time...i talked to sarah when i got off and find out she didnt show..wasnt answering calls or messages ...and was just unreachable...luckily i only worked a few hours this morning and so i was home again around lunch time...but this is unacceptable...i have to have someone here who i can depend on to show up when i have to go to work...this is not working out so great .. once again we have been so accommodating that i feel like we are beginning to be taken advantage of...and it sucks...and so they start calling around 1 and said that she was sick..that she had messaged...so on and so forth...but that she would be at work tomorrow..well i dont know..i just dont know right now...and i am frustrated because i was gone..at work and didnt leave things as i might if it was a weekend so sarah is the one who had to suffer in the end..because she didnt have what she needed and i feel so awful because i left for work and she was left without her needed set up...and it isnt fair at all...
the unaccessibleness of the apartment has been coming up a lot also and that is overwhelming me too...i know the apartment is not top notic accessible and i try to make it work for sarah and i guess i need to stop being selfish and do more to make it work better...like the kitten is causing a bit of chaos and so things are getting knocked over and pushed onto the floor and sarah cant reach them...she had to leave the apartment yesterday and struggled to get the door back closed so that the cats wouldnt escape...things that normally arent an issue become more of an issue when no one is home...so have to make some changes to how things are set up in the apartment..maybe i have been resistant to making the changes because i am worried about something...maybe i am just worried in general these days about things .. but there was a long talk last night and so changes will be made to make things easier for sarah...
my eating has been just out of control the past few days..i keep eating everything and dont feel full at all..i know im doing it..i know im eating way to much but i cant seem to stop..i cant seem to turn it around ..and it is frustrating me to the max...im supposed to be losing weight ..not gaining weight..candy is my evil right now .. i gotta get the candy out of the house .. i gotta stop feeling like i have to eat everything..my stomach is not happy at all these days...i feel like im not doing anything right at all right now..not food..not life in general..not anything..like im beginning to mess up again...like im gonna screw something up and mess up royally and just not manage ...and i was thinking last night that i just want to go to the hospital and have a bit of a break from life...but that is not possible or a real logical option anyway..so i need to think of other things...safe things...ways to keep myself feeling level headed and not so floaty again...damn it...
im thinking more about the holidays and stuff and trying to plan for things to do....what to buy ...what we need...what i want ... a lot of ideas and thoughts and things are trapped in my head...and it makes my head hurt...my doc appt last week was depressing and i had a med change..that could be causing the current predicaments that i find myself in ... who knows.. i am feeling out of control though...very out of control...
i may go to the support group on thursday night ...i called and asked to be added to it ..so i think im going .. im going to try to go...
im anxious today...very very anxious and cold ...
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