i wish

There are nights like tonight where i wish i could just anticipate better how to handle the brokenness that is me..i wish i could tell when it was coming to rear its ugly head and i wish i knew how to stop it in its tracks and turn it around and send it packing in the other direction…i wish i knew what to say to explain why sometimes i just need the silence because things are to loud in my head..and so i just sit and do nothing for hours at a time.  I dont get online, i dont read or play games, I just lay down and sleep or lay down and semi dream things that make no sense to me for hours on end…i wish i knew how to handle the somatic symptoms and that the meds worked 100% of the time and i didnt have days that leave me floundering like a fish out of water searching for a way to just survive.  i just wish some days to be anyone other than me, because being me is a little hard right now and i am feeling a little bit lost in the shuffle ..