i still havent heard back about starting my pharmacy classes and it is making me anxious ...did i fail something ? is my background screwed up? did i do something wrong or not do something that i was supposed to do...why am i still waiting and it has been a week now...more than a week actually and ive heard absolutely nothing...im worried and tired and nervous and that just makes me more tired ... i hate waiting ..my mind runs away with me and im struggling to maintain my thoughts and not go overboard with the worrying ...
food is still an issue..a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig one..and im tired of myself really...i want so much to just be able to eat and be ok but i cant...so i obsess and plan and plot and try and fail and cry and get frustrated every single day... my new obsession is the keto lifestyle ..which is basically low carb..but higher in fat eating choices...like i can eat eggs and bacon and cheese but no grains or sugar or anything...it is blowing my mind really...but i am working to cut carbs down...so something has to fuel me and make me not hungry....i dont know if its the right idea but i keep researching it and learning about it...i know i need to do low carb because carbs are my down fall and i am diabetic so im not supposed to really be eating so much sugar anyway...im thinking by feb ill have nixed carbs like bread carbs anyway and just keep taking things a day at a time...
ive been adulting a lot lately...i mean between work and paying bills and all of that im just busy and worn out... did i mention im going to look back into going to the rec center or rva swim..i really need a new bathing suit..so maybe the rec center should be first since it is closer and i can go early in the morning...but anyway ..errands and food shopping and bills and doc appointments...my bp is getting more under control but of course bp is related to weight and my weight needs to come down...
really i want to have more energy and be able to ride the rides at disney world when we go..i know this probably makes me completely shallow but i do want to ride the rides and not feel embarrassed...that is what i want with my entire being .. i mean there is of course more things that i want like being able to wear my clothes correctly and not have to by bigger sizes because i keep gaining weight ..no i have plans ..a lot of plans and at the middle of it all is losing weight ..a.nd surprisingly it is all coming from me..not someone outside of me telling me what to do...or telling me how to be or anything ...this time ...for the first time this is me and my ideas and my wants and my plans...im scared i will go overboard but i have sarah to keep me sane ..and ill talk about it with britney too...but i just know that i have to do this ...i have to be able to adopt a baby at some point and have the energy to keep up with him or her...i need to strengthen my body because even getting sarah up is starting to drain me and i need to be able to do that ... there are so many little pieces that are commenting together to make a big picture and i have so much to plan for and well live for ...
because it is constantly on my mind i know i have already decided but i am still in the planning stage..i need more info..i need a plan..a starting plan..and a starting place..
No comments:
Post a Comment