life

heya...im still alive lol...ive been working so much that i no longer even have the energy to mess around on fb ...im soooooooo tired...but i made it to today and i am off and sarah and us are going on our second 'staycation' ...leaving for the hotel in a couple hours ..and just gonna hang out and spend some time together ...ive been at work more than ive been at home i think...that is what it feels like...she got me a bunch of card games for christmas and so we are bringing those along and a couple movies to watch...outside of the mommy issue christmas was good a little sad but i got some fun presents and then of course more unicorn stuff and build a bears .. 

once again a baby is being dropped into my lap and i am considering the adoption..i am..but at the same time there is a war inside about am i willing to give up everything to care for a child...that is what is giving me pause..does that make me a bad person ?? that i want to not give up the freedom i have now? but there is still a lot of back and forth on the idea...yes, no, maybe....ugh...i wish it was just black and white..clear ideas and pictures and no maybes or what ifs...sadlly i mentioned it to mommy and while she didnt not veto the idea..she did tell me that i needed to know both the father and mother of the child because i didnt want a monster baby ...yes she actually told me not to adopt an ugly child.. -sigh- i want a child so much..but am i ready for one ?? that is the big big biiiiiiiiig question...i talked it over with t and she did give me a realistic look at it..and what im getting myself into ... i mean i know what im getting into if i agree to it...but it was good to talk it over at least..im not any closer to a decision though and luckily i have some time on my side .. i dont know what to do..