logic

i reject any and all types of logic right now...my current thinking is..that if i get sick too then i will be sent to sarah...

there is nothing else to say or work out .. i know the logic in that is majorly flawed but my brain wont accept anything else..

throw a tantrum, pout, whine, cry...etc..hate everything, dont want help, hiding and isolating..it is a struggle to remain in a completely adult mind frame when fear and feeling alone is present ...

(wrote that last night and then fell asleep) 


my back is killing me..lower back..i dont know why but it is definitely hurting me today a lot...i was late taking my meds and im trying hard to curb some of my impulsive behaviors...i feel bad so lets go blow what little money i do have...or lets go eat everything and end up sick and in even more pain...dont go get razors just because i am upset and overwhelmed...the usual .. the constant battle to remain safe and calmish and in control...dont lose control ..so i recongized that i wanted to binge and so instead i made myself start cooking dinner instead of going out for fast food ...  some days i truly hate being aware of my own behaviors and knowing i have the tools to combat them..i guess im armed with a baseball bat or something and i have to constantly beat the thoughts back before they take over..im on the edge but i keep going one step back and one step forward...i havent gone over..but its a constant fight to stay where i am...im trying to work through my feelings and i feel like im writing a novel with all this journaling ...but i dont have any better ideas ..and i hate talking on the phone..mommy is being weird and i cant put my finger on why..but it is a strong feeling...she keeps saying she loves me and asks if i love her ..and why i dont talk to her and that she is there for me..stuff like that..stuff she rarely says ..and it is disconcerning...it puts me immediately on the defensive..and i wonder if she looked through my journals i had at home...it wasnt my main ones with the magnitudes of writing and thoughts and feelings..but there was some writing in them..and i just wonder if she read them while packing up my stuff..i didnt have them laying out or anything..but who knows...

sigh

this will be short as i think i will pass out soon.. i made sure that i will sleep tonight...im not going to die but i just want to sleep through the night you know..

ugh my thinking is being pushed into a really negative space and it is getting harder to pull myself away from it .. i just keep thinking about sarah and worrying and i cant see her..and i found out today that they are sending her to a hospital that is almost 3 hours away..that is a weekend trip...they are moving her tonight and so hopefully ill get a call once she is setttled into the new place..i hope she is ok.i wonder how long she will be there..i wonder when ill be able to see her..i miss her..the apartment is super quiet...and im afraid of things..my paranoia has kicked into high gear..and im a little on edge...im going tomorrow to get my meds filled...maybe ill go shopping ... i feel so guilty ...fighting to be ok and stay ok and do things that are fun while sarah is in the hospital...i know she would want me to be ok..but i still want to hide and do nothing and just sleep.i want to shut out the world..ignore everything and just stay home ..and hide ... and try to be safe..but there is more to life isnt there than that?  i know there is but im afraid to do things alone still...im still so afraid of the world ..and i feel like i dont fit in :(  the depression and anxiety and poor social skills causes me to feel like i dont fit in...i didnt go out with my co workers tonight because i am depressed..i didnt want to bring them down or have them concerned about my well being when everyone is trying to have a good time..so i stayed home...i had also taken percocet and i know not to drink or drive after taking those...sooo staying home was the plan ..i just wish i had felt strong enough to go..that i could have gone out and had a nice time..and i didnt ..i mean my coworkers know im having a hard time right now..and that im worried about my roommate..so not being there has been explained..but its just rough..its like i have to learn to be on my own..and im not feeling so confident about it..

but ok..ill go and watch netflix for a bit..maybe cartoons
i am safe..i havent hurt myself by cutting...i am eating to much of the wrong foods and took as extra sleep med tonight...but no cutting..but tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will try again ..

i dont know how i feel

right now i think i may be a little bit numb..i keep thinking i should be freaking out..destroying stuff..something..anything..and instead i am sitting here writing instead of reacting...i dont know how to react..i dont know what i want to do or say or think..right now i think all of it may be out of my realm of possibilities..maybe everything that has gone on has wiped out all feelings for forever...

sarah is in the hospital...she will be moved to a different hospital so the not knowing has me worried...struggling to get in contact with her..and being told a nurse would call me back and waiting and waiting had me frustrated to the max..but i finally talked to sarah a little bit ago and she filled me in... so she is safe and getting hellp...that is good.. i am happy she is safe and being cared for..im sad that she is alone..im sad i have to work.. im sad i dont know where she is going ...

im afraid because i am alone..for the first time in a really long time it is just me..and that has me feeling nervous..what am i supposed to do with myself ?  how am i suposed to take care of myself ?  there is always sarah ..its the two of us..against everyone else ..but right now i just feel lost and alone and vunerable..

its hard not being able to explain the severity of the situation..my work people know sarah as my roommate..so my continued worried and stress and things may seem out of place..not that it is there business but they dont know that sarah and i are together and so this for me is very serious..i worry that im being judged or something..i dont know..i worry im talking about it to much..maybe im trying to get support but feel like no one will care because she is just my roommate to them..maybe i am looking to deeply into something that is not really there.. my supervisor has been incredibly caring and supportive ... i know i am struggling...beginning to slip a bit as my thoguhts try to run away from me..i have to maintain control...  i keep thinking that i didnt try hard enough to help..that i didnt care enough..i just didnt do enough..and i was all out of ideas ... and then anitas voice jumps in and tells me its not about me..and i want to scream bloody murder... honestly i think im jealous..because sarah has so many more options than me when it comes to getting help..and i am jealous because things would look a lot different for me if i was in crisis..and i would have hospital bills piling up all around me...silly and stupid thing to be jealous over but i am...im an awful person...im walking that thin line between making things about me and keeping things about her...i want to be supportive and there and instead im worrying that i will need to stave off my own breakdown...i know right now im just overwhelmed and my thinking may be different in the morning..maybe not..but the situation wont chhange..but i cant let my thinking go off into left field..it takes so long to reel it back in...im unsure of myself ..im unsure of being alone...i spend a lot of time around other people these days and so time alone is a luxury..but now i have a little time and i dont want it...i would gladly have sarah back and just know she is here than to have the apartment to myself ...

my head is becoming a jumbled mess..i think laying down is a good idea..

i just want to hide in bed and pull the covers over my head and not be apart of the world for a little while ... thats all

struggling ..in weird ways

im having trouble figuring out what i want to say tonight..im trying to keep myself safe and it is a losing battle..im slipping and im stressed out


skip ahead a few hours ... ok like 3 hours

things ive done to avoid hurting myself

ive talked to sarah twice
ive talked to amanda
i texted D
i took meds for anxiety
i downloaded a new book
i packed my lunch for tomorrow
i od'ed on waffles
i cried
ive overthought everything - worst case scenario type things
ive played with kai
and im about to either watch netflix or work on late notes until i fall asleep.

.......

im disappointed in the hospital ... for not doing better.. for not helping...for sending a suicidal person home for the 2nd time...how do you try to get help and get turned away?  no i dont understand that at all ..

.....

i sat through the most depressing staff meeting ever today.. 2 and a half hours ... of 'when i did it we did it this way and it worked fine' type things..a lot of we are a team bullshit...that if we need help to just come and ask....really ??!!  because as i remember it..i asked all 4 of them for help and all 4 of them said no.. so team work my ass...i truly am just trying to make it through to the new year with this job... im not stressed out completely..but im trying to hang on and do my job...i know ive got to get on top of doing the notes though..but again we are so short staffed..and once again i may end up with 5 people tomorrow..who knows..i dont call out often..and i dont vacation often..i show up for work.. sick and having stomach issues and whatever..unless its super bad...but i freaking show up..i do what is asked of me ..without to much complaint...i try to help out as much as i can..but this job runs you ragged...it is tiring ..giving so much..on a regular basis..i feel like all i do is give and then there is nothing left for me...i dont know... my thoughts are sad tonight ..like im depressed but i cant reach that bleak moment and stay there..its like a fleeting thought that keeps returning.. i want to curse my meds for keeping me from slipping completely over the edge..? how does that make sense??

my head is starting to hurt so im going to go and lay down i think. 

sarah should be coming home sometime tonight from the hospital...

this week

i am just tired

closure

maybe i am the one that needs closure...i need to say goodbye..i need to acknowledge her..something..anything..

i actually asked mommy the other day about where nicole is buried..she said she knew of course..and told me the name of the cemetery and i promptly forgot..today i took the funeral program thing back out and actually read and paid attention to what i was reading...i know where she is buried..i dont know where she is at there but i know the name of the cemetery now.  its evergreens cemetery in new york.. information that i think i have dreaded finding out..and i feel overwhelmed and terrified..what is the next stepp?  do i even want to take the next step? well i have to figure out the next step...  i know i want to go and see her..see if i can find her..but they should have the records there..i will be able to find her...and that scares me senseless

docs and ugh

so i saw all three docs today...i dont know what i was thinking but i did it..

med doc...was fine mostly..she told me that i will be decreasing the anxiety med next month...which caused major anxiety and is not my choice..who the hell wants to deal with anxeity and not have help to calm down without freaking out...but she says ive been on it to long and i have to learn other ways to cope instead of relying on the medicine....ughhhhh

reg doc ..was highly embarrassing ..because i had to tell her that i am having some itching which prompted a exam i didnt want..but the itching sucks..so i let her take a quick look ..she asked me to try some over the counter stuff and see if it helps..and going commando when i go to bed..but i was honest about my current eating habits and why..and she didnt yell at me or anything..i know i need to do better and stop using food as punishment..because my stomach really is rebelling these days and im back to going to the bathroom alot...ive gained some weight ..which is frustrating but with my eating i knew i had..so awareness is there but the drive to make changes comes and goes.. again i ask myself the question of shouldnt i want to be better ?? and i still cant answer it...  (update though -  my a1c is down a whole point!! so i guess exercising a little bit and making some choices with my food has helped)  ..now i just to stop using food to punish myself...stop using it as a weapon..

the thing is...im afraid...not eating gluten..made me feel better..feel lighter some how..i was losing weight..i was exercising..i was paying attention...but then i realized it was working and i got scared..i dont think i identified it as being scared though..and so the first chance i got to sabotage i took it..and ran with it..i needed to punish myself..why am i so afraid..i know all the ins and outs of being eating..counting calories and carbs..exercising and all of it...ive dealt with not eating and overeating and binging and purging..ive done all of it..no i dont truly like myself or how i look..but changing...paying attention to my body is horrifying and so ill make progress and then go backwards...stop...pretend nothing is happening as i go back to destroying myself in unnoticeable ways...i cant handle it..stupid reasoning in my head once again...i dont want attention put on my body...i would rather i didnt even have a stupid body..

then i saw t and we talked about a lot of different things..it is so hard to talk about being adopted because it brings up so many hurt feelings..so many questions..did they look for me? did they want me? is it true that i have two sets of parents that dont want me ? and i wonder if they know about nicoles death..do they know where she is buried? have they been to visit her ?  i think of her and wonder if anyone has been to visit her..is she just by herself thinking no one remembers her..and i just feel guilty...guilty that i dont remember, that i keep trying to grieve for someone i dont know..what feelings are attached to my thoughts of her?  its like i dont know her but i do..ill always know her..and i do feel as if something is missing without her..it is hard..because next is the birthday..and its like why celebrate when she is died..and cant...ive tried all the "she wants you to be happy" thoughts and i just feel even more guilty..guilty for wishing she were here and then wishing she wasnt ..how would life have been different with her here...would things have been better?  would things have been safer? or would we have both been stuck in a life of pain and fear ? maybe she is better off not being here..maybe she is safer that way..but  i am still missing the only real piece of my family..my birth family.. i love my sisters and brothers..my niece and nephews..they are my family also...but its not the same .. sigh..i dont know how to explain...it just hurts thinking about it..it always hurts thinking about it and i feel so worthless ...

vacation

 spent this past weekend at nias and it was good to get away..sarah and curvon came.  we went to the movies, and the giant arcade, we went out to eat and shopping, we went to sweet frog and had family night. it was great.  it was busy. it was loud. but i still wish we could have stayed longer..next time it will be for longer! i think it will be christmas before we are able to visit again .  but we will see..

did i mention we had sweet frog ?!?!?!

i wish

i wish i knew what to do or say to calm the thoughts down..they are dark..full of guilt and blame and shame...anger and hurt..feelings of not being wanted by anyone..remembering that i am not wanted..feeling that i am not wanted...things i am supposed to keep to myself but i go and try to talk about it in therapy and i cant even get all of it out in one go..jumping around as thoughts come no structure..no balance..i regret saying anything at all ... but if not then this will keep happening..every year i will tinker on the edge of self destruction...every year it hits and every year it is awful..not talking about it hasnt worked...talking about it..well even just beginning to and trying to talk about it has left me reeling and unsteady..adoption, death, family, twins...so much in just a few subjects..topics that i avoid so very much..and now i bring them up and have to deal with the fallout from it...i dont like this...im going to try to go to sleep now..again...

not doing good tonight

my head is spinning...im feeling to much and trying to fight against all of it..my head hurts..and it feels like i am trying to turn off my brain but its not working.its going to short circuit itsself out..why couldnt i just keep quiet and not say anything ..but i brought up adoption and my sister today..and i knew it is upsetting but i didnt realize just how much..like i feel worse after therapy than i did before it..too many thoughts going in my head and i cant put them into words..i messaged sarah beefore heading home because my thoughts were all over the place and i couldnt focus..i was going to sit in the parking lot forever and think..sarah got me home..and i laid down and fell asleep. i didnt mean to go to sleep..im writing now to try to ease some of the anxiety and pressure in my head..i cant seem to process everything from therapy today..i barely remember it..and that frustrates me..im just going to go back to sleep for tonight..i know im not thinking clearly and i know i want an escape from myself..sleep is safe .

anniversaries..

it is the time of year again that i become consumed with the past.with thoughts of my sister..a person i dont remember or know but still i grieve for her.  it happened almost 30 years ago and still i can only wonder where she is buried, if my birth parents know, if anyone else remembers her. so many questions and no answers.  i cant even visit her if i wanted too..every year i wonder if this will be the year i ask mommy where she is buried so that i can visit her..and each year i dont do it..im afraid..im afraid that i will forget her permantntly. that without me trying so hard to remember her, she will just disappear..as if she never was.  i think growing up i was glad she had died so that she didnt have too experience what i was experiencing..i was angry that she left me alone and i had to experience it on my own..and i am guilty for killing her and then forgetting her. i should be punished..i feel like i should be punished for not remembering, for her not being here.i do punish myself still for these thoughts and feelings.

i have her obituary..i found it when i moved.  i knew i had it but cuold never remember where i had put it. i find it and often lose it again.  it must stay hidden though because im not supposed to have it..mommy would not be happy i guess to know that i have it..but finding it again a few months ago was like finding proof that she existed..that i am not making her up. she was truly here..and she died..she left me..

being adopted, having and losing her, and knowing who i am is all connected in some ways..i wonder about my real family i guess..i wonder how different my life could have been..i wonder how its possible to not be wanted by two different families..and i feel so alone..like i truly have never ever fit in..not even from the beginning..i wasnt wanted


i think that is enough for now.anxiety is rising quickly..

stressed

i truly think the stress of everything is causing my stomach issues to be worse again...ive been eating gluten yes but not a lot like a couple weeks ago...work stress..the world stress..am i safe stress..all of it..i dont know...i dont feel safe..

Lost time maybe

Im sitting here thinking about the past couple days..well trying to and my mind drifts..i forget...and just keep sitting..i feel off..this has been a really stressful week though..and maybe im trying to destress but i feel more anxious and out of it with each passing day...today feels worse than yesterday...im not sure what ive been doing..sarah keeps asking and i keep telling her i dont know or im not sure..i have to be doing something..time keeps passing...was i reading or playing cards...did i take a nap or watch netflix? I cant keep a consistent flow of  consciousness..it gets broken somwhow and then i hear the negative thoughts..yesterday it was crashing my car..today its drowning in the bathtub...like just thinking about them..doing them..but i cant stick to a plan..its like they keep slipping out of my grasp..i keep trying to find something to cling to and nothing is there..i tjink my coworker leaving as brought up abandonment issues...i told her i was mad at her for leaving ..thinking about it makes me tear up...i am an adult right? Why is tjis so hard..things are beginning to get down and all im doing is watching because I don't know whay to do...my head hurts really a lot..i think ive missed taking the meds for a couple days...i took  them today..my brain feels slow..my thinking is slow...im not mYself but i dont know where i have gone.

yesterday was a bad bad day at work

i kept getting yelled at ...all this week ive been getting yelled at for something ..stupid stuff...they are not letting us do our jobs... and it took a while to calm down the tears..and then i ended up frustrated again..and just couldnt focus on completing notes..i was on sign out yesterday..note to do..and was with the client who likes to flip over her wheelchair..they made me switch rooms and she was not happy and so i couldnt get anything done at all..i was a mess..i mean they are yelling at me because i let a client use all the stickers and im being wasteful..it was a client who hasnt been wanting to participate in anything..and finally she does something and they demand i take the stickers back..wtf...i didnt and she took her picture home...given i didnt give her all the stickers...she happened to be sitting with them and i was otherwise occupied and she kept adding things to her picture...because im not coming up with enough activities..because i let a client use a canvas with someone elses name drawn on it in pencil, that has been in there forever...i let a client color on a stack of construction paper and am again being wasteful..i do come up with activities..i have given her lists of supplies that i need..and have received nothing..but im told there is stuff upstairs...ok but im expected to stay with the clients and keep them busy and they hide activities upstairs and then swear we arent doing anything...yesterday was just too much :( i did get hugs from the two im trying to attach to..which did nothing to help the attachment issues but did make me feel a little bit better..im up now trying to work on missing notes...but again ..im feeling so down and upset that i just dont want to even show up...but i guess they would be expecting that...so ill show up...but the enjoyment is slipping away...im trying to be a team player..i do what im asked to do..and then some...and somehow i end up being yelled at...i dont understand it at all..and i hate that i started crying ..i left at 4 yesterday...no staying late for anything and i didnt finish my notes either..right now i dont care if im taken off the schedule..im tired .... and they will be the ones struggling with coverage...not me..i wont get paid ..but ill manage...  and i feel bad for even thinking that.... but yesterday i was feeling the urges to cut very strongly..i was really hurt and upset..and if im getting to that point then something is wrong...maybe this week is just a rough one...but im ready for friday at 4...i just want to go home..and stay home...

sarah totally made me feel better though because my new kindle showed up and i got to play with it..

blahish day

my stomach has not been happy today and i have not been nice to it at all so i am guessing that this qas going to happen and i would suffer for it...well i knew it would happen...as i caused it....but again i am convincing myself that i dont have to take out my anxiety or sad feelings or whatever with food...or eat foods i know make me sick so that ill be sick....am i lacking attention?  i went bowling at work on friday..and i was so hurt when no one told me good job..like really hurt..but when someone did..it was like the best thing ever....craving more attention..and still trying to attach to my coworkers...i hope my stomach settles a bit before i have to go to work tomorrow...ugh..but ill be testing all day tomorrow so i wont even be on the floor..but being stuck in a hot office and bored to death with not make tomorrow any easier...but hey no note writing if im not with the clients..and for that i am happy..i finally see anita tomorrow..and prolly have to make a stop at the store before coming home...and tuesday is sarahs birthday...and noa called me today to ask if i would take her to see the trolls movie :)  i swore she said train museum lol..but that will be something we can do when i go down there...i cant wait..my thoughts are a bit jumpy tonight and i really wish the weekend was a bit longer...i packed my lunch for tomorrow already...a sandwich, chips, grapes, and fruit snacks...good and simple...i eat so much better during the week than on the weekends but lately all my eating is kinda bad in that im eating stuff with wheat in it...and that is going to have to stop because it is making me sick...like bathroom accidents sick..and im beginning to feel miserable with all of it..im gonna go lay down for a little bit ...feeling antsy for some reason...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~ Marianne Williamson"

wow wow wow

this week has been ridiculous !!  work has been crazy...like someone contaminated the water crazy...ugh..i was so freaked out on tuesday because one of the clients had a seizure and i responded first ..and he is ok..but i just worry so easily...

today was a better day at work though..this weather is irking my nerves because its so so so hot and sticky and humid and gross..and i get so cranky when im hot..i dont mean to be but im just not comfortable ..

but the coolest thing ever is that ive found the computer i want to get sarah...i cant show her mine because its like the one she is getting ..im going to pick it up on friday..im pretty proud of myself for being able to get me a computer for work stuff and sarah a computer for her birthday...im proud of myself for working ...and having money and being able to pay things..and this month is also involving a trip to south carolina..and everything...so yep pretty cool stuff going on.

its hard though at the same time some days...my mood is all over the place and ive been sleeping a lot...i want to talk to anita but i wont see her until monday..im trying to be patient and not call her or bother her..i keep telling myself i can manage ... i hope..still using food as a weapon against myself and as a result my stomach is more often than not upset these days..i want to join the rec center that we go to with work..and go and walk the track in the evenings or something..its a small place so maybe i will look into it..

Wow things have changed

I truly like this picture of myself... I can say that with feeling immense hate..without thinking about everything wrong with myself...

When I took the picture I was in an ok mood..i was at work..playing around iñ the bathroom while waiting for a coworking..nothing special going on..

As I posted the picture on facebook..i realized I actually liked it...no strings attached..i still feel a bit detached from it though and I guess that might be odd..i mean it's a picture of me..but at the same time the connection is not there..maybe I just made this so confusing lol

Ok I like the picture..thats the overall message .

Headaches and stuff

I'm trying so hard to use my coping skills and not give in to any urges....the weiģht on me seems to be lifting a little bit but I'm still worried about anita..and struggling with my thoughts...physically I be been sick a bit and I don't know what's causing it..but my stomach is not happy and I'm feeling nauseous during the day..im trying to take things one day at a time...but I'm really glad tomorrow is friday.

Broken

I want to just lay my head down and sleep...no more thinking .. no more anything..im sad..worried..upset..wanting  so very to hurt..to cry..to scream..my thoughts are racing but I shouldn't take any more meds...i found out today..i couldn't see anita..next week is a holiday on my usual,day..and so I am feeling everything...well I'm still to,drugged to feel anything but I know they are there..i have to be safe and all I want to do is destory..im worried about anita..something could have happened...amd she's mad at me and i,can't fix it and it makes me feel so anxious..i have to fix it..but I am left craving attention that I can't have. My thinking goes back and forth.. I'm tired..im hiding from myself..i want quiet as the noise in my head increases..i don't want to go to work tomorrow..im not happy I'm sad...i don't want to be around anyone..my routine is broken. I push away the thoughts and things until I forget them....i have to get through the next two weeks...how can I do that when all I want is to be alone..I  want comfort but won't accept it for fear of breaking down..the pressure builds on my head and in my chest and there  is not a safe release valve...i must be quiet..i must survive..i just want to sleep as my thoughts become darker and I'm more afraid of myself and there is no escape. No break..just never-ending thoughts...a constant battle to stay one step ahead of myself and not give in to any of the urges  .. I want an escape from mYself but no,pills are strong enough...sleep is all,i,have...