Super upset with myself

When I say I don't care and eat whatever I want..i truly don't care..and because of that I've gained back weight I had lost..ugh..and my stomach hurts for my trouble...blah

attention...

I am beginning to think that the whole fiasco with anita and the paperclip is because I'm not getting enough attention...im going out of my way to do stupid things and get sick again and just ugh...im not feeling good today at all...my stomach is bothering me a lot and I am once again saying that I will stop eating gluten....its harder this time around to stop..because I want so much of what I couldn't have before and things ive missed being able to have..but feeling this and gross is not worth it..and I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing it..i cant have it both ways...I really cant .. and my stomach is revolting my past eating habits horribly...so ill stop again...I truly will...I hate feeling like this...

but back to the attention thing...it has taken to me like almost 3 weeks to figure out that I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention..that I took the paperclip partially for attention...partially because sometimes I just cant stay in adult mode and want everything and anything..and telling me no is not something I understand in that frame of mind...but I kept and now I totally have anitas attention..good heavens I have it...but I keep going back and forth between it being upsetting because I cant explain why I did it..to just feeling completely vindicated because its mine and she cant have it back...I don't know..the whole thing is a confusing mess in my head..but really with work my attention is on everyone else and not me..there is always so much going on..im there..i do my job nd that's it...ive been avoiding sarah is some ways because I wasn't comfortable around her evening aide and so I have been spending a lot of my evenings alone reading, or sleeping, or just wasting time away..i feel alone..and I guess I'm not getting much feedback from work ..so its just maybe I am feeling forgotten ... unimportant..wanting to do something to get some sort of attention..i don't know..right now I'm feeling to miserable to even consider cutting but I think that has been one of my ways to have attention....not intentionally..but the end result was more attention...im trying hard to figure out the paperclip thing...

how it relates to anything or nothing....yes mommy constantly took things from me growing up or wouldn't let me have the same stuff as my brothers and sisters...I was quickly told I'm to old for toys or I need to grow up...yes I have issues with stealing and wanting to be like everyone else...or wanting to manage and fit in some way...a paperclip isn't making me like anyone but for some reason I wanted it ...my thinking changed and it wasn't until she asked for it back that I suddenly wanted it and refused to give it back...

sometimes I really truly hate the way my head works and thinks ...it makes no sense ... still trying to put the pieces together of a mind that makes no sense ...

Sooo

I'm waiting for dinner to finish cooking so I guess I'll write a little bit

My stomach is bothering me  today..no idea why though.. but it's not fun...

I got a small air mattress yesterday and woke up this morning without my back hurting me..i also slept away the entire morning! I  didn't mean to but I guess I was really really tired..

I'm off on Monday but I have Doc appts to go to...yuck...so I'll still have a pretty busy day... My job did get my background check back and asked me about it..luckily I wasn't fired but the worry about waiting for them to say something about it is gone...i know they have it.i know I wasn't fired..so for now that is all good..come August I'll only have one more year of it being on my record...well background...but I like my job..its tiring but i like it.

I have to start planning for Sarah's birthday and the trip to see noa and then my birthday trip... and then I probably won't go anywhere until Christmas.  That's the plan anyway. 

Struggling

I'm having a hard time right now..im struggling to stop using food as a weapon...its making me sick as and I feel miserable and am hurting...i did it on purpose...and now I'm paying for my choices..at the time I was impulsive. I didn't care..i wanted to be sick..i was angry and hurt..about somethings going on and took it out on myself...and the last couple days I've been miserably sick and feeling off...i know better ..and still I make the choice to take my feelings out on mYself...why can't I learn to not do that... :( I gotta get ready for work...but I'm feeling nauseous..

Life's obstacles

Well  My kindle is working again..so I can write and see what I'm actually writing...

This has been a depressing week.. Well last week has been depressing...Sarah had a death in her family...I had a death in my family that leaves me questioning my own stability ...they are saying he overdosed...mommy and nia had just   spent time with him..he had said he was going to get his life together..stop drinking...only to die a couple days later...last year my nephew committed suicide...both of their actions make me fear my own thoughts...Will i  reach a point where I truly am convinced that nothing is worth it...I often feel things aren't worth it but not to the extent that I have in the past..does that mean I'm getting better?? I cut last weekend and I haven't done it again but the thoughts are there..I'm not concerned about trying to kill myself..but I am just left questioning why..to all of it...I am safe..Just really sad...

Work has been stressful as we are still so short staffed ..And so the amount of clients we each have is high..And I'm falling behind on the notes...Ugh..  hate that..I'm starting to put money aside  to get a computer so I can get my notes done...there are only two computers at the office..so having my computer will make it easier...And then I can work on them little bits at home too..but gotta save first..

I'm really hoping my stuff from home will be brought to me at the end of the month..I'm trying not to have to spend more money on another air mattress...the current one is losing air so fast..I end up waking up often to reinflate it  only to have the air come right back out..Thanks to little cat,sized holes in it...I'm trying hard to make it..I don't mind sleeping on the floor but it hurts my back...sleeping on a not fully inflated air mattress kills my back too..so for now I am just hoping..

My stomach is bothering me today...And I was throwing up last week...hopefully it passes and my stomach calms down...I hate not feeling good...it sucks...I'm slowly becoming better with the gluten free stuff...I'm finding alternatives and stuff..And like with everything else there is gluten free junk food...And i have days where all I want to eat are cookies..I'm working to stop drinking soda again..hard battle...And it kinda really sucks...but I know drinking the empty calories aren't helping anything ..And the sugar content is awful..so yeah..things to work on..I did get a new meter from the doc so I am checking my sugar again at least..

Hmm ..haven't been sleeping the greatest..bad dreams...that sucks too..

Kai is really funny and steals my food...right as I'm looking at him..he took my whole container of rice from the Chinese place and carried it  from my room to the living room..the box of course was covered in little teeth marks and holes!!...

Ok I'm off to finish cooking ..And maybe taking  bubble bath...I've been reading  a lot too..I was able to get a couple books I really wanted...so I'll be busy some...an  Tuesday we are going to the movies at work...so that will be fun.

I'm alive..I'm sorta healthy and happy..so things are    overall   good but there is a layer of sadness to everything currently...

Will I have to live in fear?

I woke up this morning to news of a mass shooting in Orlando...when I woke up it was at 20 dead...now hours later it is at 50 dead...And many injured...it is heartbreaking to see the news and know all of these lives have been lost to hate...all the families who will have to worry about burying loved ones and the families who have no news of their children's whereabouts....what fear that must be..to see the news and know your child could have been there...

Each time there is a shooting I am saddened and become more afraid...schools, church, homes, train stations,movie theatre's, and now a gay nightclub....this is happening  r the world..every few months the world ends up praying for the victims of a shooting..a mass crime..bombs..No where feels safe...in my mind this was a hate crime..all of them are hate crimes...people and dying for being out and having fun..And I don't understand why..I don't understand what the reasoning behind it is..I want to understand but the shooter is dead...if he was still alive would they say he was mentally ill? Because of his name  is he a terrorist?? What reasoning  Will be fed to the masses about what has happened..

It is sad...depressing..I want Nothing to do with this world..the actions of a few can destroy the outlook for many...I know now is a time to focus on the positives but I am afraid...if I go to the store wil I make it home alive? If I travel? Do I need to watch everyone? Wonder about their intentions? Will I ever truly feel safe?? Will I wonder if I will be hated on sight because of my skin color, my life choices, my mental issues...should I have to be afraid??

Today is another sad day for the nation...for the world...for me...

Day 1....yet again

How many times do I have to fall just to have to get back up again...I don't know how long it was without cutting but today is day 1 again..And I'm frustrated with all of it..things have been stressful lately and I know there are other coping skills but yesterday...yesterday's feelings were the tipping point..I want so much to be accepted..liked...And I know Sara's family doesn't acknowledge me..but I guess hearing plans being made to visit specifically when I am not here just hurts..My feelings are hurt an  I can't stop thinking about not being good enough..I don't fit in my own family..My birth family gave me away..And now Sarah's family wants nothing to do with me..I feel rejected in a major way..I try so hard and still can't manage ..I'm tired..I'm sad...I know it is out of my control but the thoughts and feelings that have been triggered are alive and well :(

Sinking ship

I'm tired and cranky a bit today...My feeling  are hurt over something I thought I was managing..but I guess not...I know I'm not accepted by Sarah's family...not all but most..And it just hurts that her grandmother went out of her wH to make sure I wouldn't be here when she came to visit..I already have so many issues involving wanting to be accepted and feeling important...Just to once again be ignored and avoided..it's like I'm not even here...I'm a glossed over w accessory that will be thrown away with enough time I guess...it hurts and makes me incredibly sad...

:) today

Today was one of the best days Ive had in a while. I am content.. happy.. relaxed..

Sarah and I spent the day together.. I guess Anita was right in that we need a go out and have fun day...and it was a fun day..slept in..read a book..went to lunch at my favorite restaurant.. and I got my chicken sandwich without the bun and it was just as good!...and then we went out for ice cream..and we talked and goofed off and just had a good time..we even sat outside and talked to a neighbour while I got my hair braided...and we spent some alo e time together and I even managed to  get in a little more reading in..

I'm off tomorrow and looking forward to another good day.

rough week

this has been a really really long and tiring week...work drained me majorly and i think the stress i was feeling from that made me stomach upset a couple days last week..i dont know...im trying to be careful with what i am eating of course...im randomly finding things to try though..this week it is chocolate chip muffins...i hope they are good, gluten free of course...i really hate how expensive the grocery bill has become..that is frustrating all by itsself...

but i saw the doc last week and im doing well on that front...ive lost 13 pounds since my last doc appt in april...so i guess it was maybe 3 weeks or so..i feel different..in some ways..i certainly dont have any more energy...but i guess im feeling better bodywise..its hard to explain..

work was hard in that..there is staff not showing up and not calling out....its rough with only 3 staff with the clients...especially when it is supposed to be 6 of us...busy and then havin staff arguing and yelling in front of the clients was awful and made me so tense and upset and it was sucky...im assuming the girl who didnt show will be fired which takes us down to 4 staff.and thats if everyone comes to work...ugh..so last week was just long and tiring..  i am excited though that we are going to the zoo on monday...ive never been to the zoo in richmond so it will be a fun trip..

i am noticing that i do not have a lot of down time to myself anymore...im not coloring or writing or anything really...i sleep and maybe cook..and help sarah..and that is my life..there is no time for anything else..and it is beginning to make me feel on edge ..like i just cant get enough time to regroup and calm down .. and get some of the pressure out of my mind..i feel like im overloading and there is not a release valve anywhere to be found...i still havent found a balance yet between work and home..and most days im to tired to even care ..but i am noticing it..and am aware of it..so i guess thats something...

that is all there is to talk about since im yawning and of course want to go to sleep..today has gone by really fast though...i did go to the grocery store today and tomorrow i have got to do laundry..or ill really have nothing to wear! 

Am I OK?

I am OK? I think I'm OK...I feel OK..but I don't trust that I'm OK...

A busy week

 working all week and trying to be active in the evenings is hard for me...I wake up around 5:30.my alarm is set for 6..I work all day and get home around 5..cook..eat..and fall asleep..that is my day..add in therapy and last week i had to get off early to do first aid and cpr..I'm just tired...I am way more active..and I'm trying different gluten free foods...some junk food...but I don't think I'm over doing it..OK yesterday and this morning I ate way to much Chinese food.. but I've found that Chinese doesn't make my stomach hurt... so every two weeks I do splurge on Chinese...I made the mistake to eat rice a roni last week..made me sick..so on one hand I know I have a gluten intolerance for sure..and on the other I'm sad because I'm giving up so much...I'm slowly getting braver with trying new stuff..like I got gf bread and pizza today.. I'm having to try things to see if I like them...I've learned gf cornbread is OK but not great.. where as gf biscuits are great. The major down side is that all the gf stuff is so expensive.. the grocery bill has doubled thanks to my gf food..and I try hard not to make Sarah eat all gf stuff you know...so a lot goes into getting groceries...

 Work has been going fine..just busy..each day is definitely different.. and I know that a couple days the depression made being at work very hard..but I managed..I guess..I do have notes to finish tomorrow and take in ..but I'm off Monday because of doc appointments...

It took a few days to kind of regroup from mothers day..it was rough and I was sad and unhappy...I didn't cut.. though for a while I really wanted to. I think I'm becoming to busy to totally focus on things feeling bad..who knows ..I'm just glad I feel OK today..

Things other wise are OK I guess..nothing major going on..I'm still working to get used to my schedule.. but that just takes time.
I know I do need to make a little more time for writing.. I miss it..

Mother's day

A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.

I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..

All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...

I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...

 I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up

Just a thought from work

I really wish people could understand that calm body language and patience goes a lot farther than yelling...they may have disabilities but they are not stupid...I hate that..I had to explain to a coworker today that I repeatedly kept answering the same question for one client because it helped keep him calm..I didn't yell at him or have to chase him like the coworker did...I told him that it didn't bother me to answer the same question over and over..it wasn't stopping me from doing my work.or hurting me in anyway...I don't want power over anyone else..I'm there to help and make sure they are safe and have fun...not to yell at them...I hate that many in this field don't know that..it makes me sad...

On edge

Things are moving very fast and I am nervous and anxious about it...I have to go get my fingerprints done and her my other paperwork done..I see Anita tomorrow and with work starting possibly very soon I don't know how to be able to see her and not seeing her may send me into a tail spin..I have doc appts and stuff to figure out and I'm feeling really overwhelmed ..plus Sarah has a new agency starting tomorrow..new people.. becoming comfortable with someone being here all day...after 2 months of just us...and now there will be someone else and it makes me nervous and sad...I will have to wait another couple weeks to get my stuff from nc... and I just want my stuff at this point..I may end up having to get an air mattress... sleeping on the floor is not fun...I want to hide ..isolate...too many things are changing..I should be happy right? Why am I not happy? I just want to have immense quiet...with no expectations...

Busy busy days

Yesterday was super busy and tiring as I was moving stuff...we are in the new apartment though :) it is a truly nice feeling to feel safe after so much moving around and not really having a steady home...And now against everything thrown at me and Sarah..we have an apartment..it is exciting and scary...

Plus I've been offered a job...a perfect job ! M - f ...at a day support program... I have  to go and pick up the packet of info to fill out and get my finger prints and stuff done..before I can start...but I did it..I got a job...hopefully my background issue won't end up with me getting fired and that makes me so nervous...but I'm can't worry about it now...I have to wait and just see and pray that I can keep this job...

Unpacking and stuff today..but gotta go to the other apartment to get the cats and bring over some little things...

But things are seriously looking up and it makes me so very nervous...I'm afraid something will take it all away :( but I'm working to enjoy these days.

Thoughts

For the first time in weeks/ months my stomach isn't bothering me....I did not spend yesterday running back and forth to the bathroom..all this time..I can see from two and three years ago in old Facebook posts that I've been having stomach issues for a long time...And it has sucked royally...And for my doc to ask about what I'm eating..because I always swore up and down that my eating doesn't change..but it was what I've been eating...what I've always eaten..And its more than just being like it's not healthy...it was literally sending me to the hospital...this may,be the hardest thing ever..And I feel so stupid for not considering this sooner ..but this is like the ultimate self care for me...this is truly having to figure out how to work with my body and try to save it without hating it at,the same time..it is different and hard but as I told my doc..  am sick to death of being sick..

How things are going..

This weekend will be one for flat out relaxing as next week is going to be incredibly busy!

Kai got fixed yesterday and he is doing well..lots of cuddling and laying with me...I can tell he is taking it a bit easy..he is younger than I thought though...the docs peg him at 7 months and I was saying he is 9 months because I was told he was born in August...but he was awfully small when I got him at the beginning of Oct...so maybe he is a bit younger..I'll make his birthday around my birthday :)

I finally got the change of address form submitted...I did forget to go and get my meds yesterday ..so I'll have to get them on Monday..

Went grocery shopping yesterday and looked for the gluten free options ..at first I wasn't seeing any and was starting to get overwhelmed..but I was able to slow down and figure out what little sign I was looking for..And found more things..I got a lot of fruits and some veggies and stuff..some popcorn chips and I even got some waffles..it is going to be a learning experience for sure...but I had an almost normal stomach day yesterday...I'm so nervous that this won't work and I'm trying not to get my hopes to high..but I'm working on sticking with it..

I was able to close out my storage unit yesterday..And got that stuff moved to the apartment..so now we have to work on  finishing up packing Sarah's stuff and the plan is to move her stuff on Wed morning..

And I have an interview next week..on Tuesday ..at 10am.
.a full time position..m -f ...I really want this job!!

So I guess things are going ok ...surprisingly.. a bit stressful but ok..

big eating changes

i am terrified of the changes i have to make to my diet...im scared that i have no idea what i am doing...i am beginning the process of taking gluten and dairy out of my diet...im having so many stomach issues that  i will gladly do it...but its taking away a lot of stuff that i eat on a regular basis..and that is scary...i know there are a lot of gluten free options but im not big on trying new things..and for right now im going to go back to what i know and am comfortable with..as i learn more about this...diary isnt so hard as i know there is dairy free butter..i can live without milk and cheese ... but the gluten part..that one is just daunting..no bread..no processed stuff..boring old fruits and vegetables .. meats are ok to eat..seafood..but not fried..corn stuff is ok ..and im suddenly glad that i like grits...im tryin to go slow but i know i will just stop eating the stuff as much as i can..and see if it helps...

Something is wrong with my stomach

May end up back  at the er because  of my stomach issues...trying to stick it out and call my doc tomorrow..but since Saturday things have been pretty bad...I don't know what to do really